Chapter Twelve
The Monster
I didn't show up to school all that week; I persisted to dad that I had an intense migraine after all the drama on Monday. As for Tweek, I hadn't talked to him since I deplorably sobbed on him in bed.
My phone was swamped with texts from almost everyone I knew, Clyde and Token mostly and not to mention coach who was beyond infuriated I hadn't been showing up for practice considering the game we'd been preparing for all season was only a week away. I didn't reply to any of them, I left my phone on silent and sent short half-assed replies to Tweek, as worried and addled as he was. He would've no doubt tried to see me if it weren't for my overbearing homophobic father.
Tweek, well I would've expected him to try visit me anyway, being the considerate yet persistent person that he is, but my one and only visitor this week was someone I certainly wasn't expecting.
Mom had let Kyle Broflovski upstairs to navigate his way to my room and I didn't notice that it was him until a freckle-endorned face poked itself curiously around my doorway and spied me sprawled across my bed, my eyes pinned onto the screen as I played Fallout. I'd been playing video games and watching movies all week with no one but Stripe to keep me company.
"What the fuck is going on. It smells of balls in here" Kyle grimaced and examined the mess. Usually I was very tidy and organised, neat and particular.
"You'd know" I muttered under my breath and pressed pause on my game to sit up and meet my teammate's judgemental glare.
"Where have you been?" He began as he fold his arms with a concerning scowl.
"Here" I answered simply. I hadn't spoken all day, it came out in a tired croak.
"You've been here all week? Dude, coach has been going crazy! If you don't get back to him he's going to cut you from the team, you've missed so much practice."
"I've practiced so much already, surely he can give me a break this once."
"No. The game is next week, which can I remind you, could be one of the last before graduation. The last game we do all together in high school, as a team…"
The redhead's voice deflated slightly and I watched something sad flicker over his eyes. Despite my role as team captain, I never felt an affinity with the team the way that most of the other players did. My leadership was simply down to standards that I could meet, being good at telling people what to do and more than physically able. However, I never much cared for football.
"Last game" I echoed in thought. I hadn't put much thought into graduation; I always assumed we could fit one more game in before studying began for finals. Perhaps I thought wrong. I had my own plans for graduation anyway and it began with a vehicle of my own. The plan may have not been solid anymore after everything with Tweek.
I felt Kyle take a seat next to me on my bed and remove his hat, fiery curls set loose as he let out a long sigh.
"Coach has me ordering the team around now. You know how bad I am at leadership, Craig. No one listens to me" he didn't sound aggravated anymore.
"That's no good" I could've chuckled "you're like a stuffed bear. You're not intimidating enough."
"That's true" he agreed. Kyle made a good sportsman, but good was just about the best it got for him. In another life he'd have been a star basketball player and that's for sure.
"Craig, I gotta ask…" Here it came, something I wasn't in the mood to discuss. "Kenny's bust up, he looks like a walking smoking grape and call it intuition of sorts but I feel like that was your doing" he didn't seem angry or scared around the possibility that it could be me, so after releasing a sigh, I decided to tell the truth.
"It is. We got into a fight on Monday" I admit.
"Can I… Can I ask why? I mean, I know Kenny's got into plenty of fights, came out in worse conditions than with you; he's very annoying, I'm well aware of that. But I didn't pin you down as someone who could get angered so easily." I'm sure he could.
"Usually I'm not. He just…"
I recalled how I had him at his throat, how I held his last breath of air until I finally released him. The horror of his bloody face was still healing in cuts and bruises on my knuckles and a mild case of fatlip. Even a few days after the event, it was hard to wrap my head around what got me so angry and then going to Tweek's house… taking it out on him. I was a mess, unfit to be around people in such a state. A state I barely understood myself.
"Kyle" I stared him right in the eye and like the genuine friend he was, his ears were exposed to listen. "I'm gonna be honest, which is something I'm not very often. There's something wrong with me, okay? I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I was this well behaved, heterosexual student with a good friendship circle and his head high above water but… Tweek. This bet. It's turned everything around, I'm suddenly beating people up and I'm self-conscious, confused" I took a breath. "It's like I've been suppressing something for a long time, a few years or so. It's all coming out."
My heart was palpitating with each word, like a sinful confession in a church. I doubt I could have told anyone else even a fraction of what I just blurted out to Kyle who eyed me sympathetically as he picked at his ushanka hat.
"I can't imagine what it's like Craig, but… you can't do this to people. You're hurting yourself more than anything. Look at you, cooped up in the dark, ignoring all your friends. I mean, I thought you and Kenny were friends?"
"We got along" I corrected him.
"Yeah and now you don't and you don't need to tell me why because I think I already know. Craig, I know you're gonna hate me saying this but gay or straight or whatever else, you don't choose that shit, you're born that way. But what you can choose is happiness and you've chosen to be miserable, that's no one's fault but your own. Why not be happy with who you are?"
"I… I don't know. I don't know who I am to begin with."
"Do you know who you like?"
"Yes."
"And that's Tweek?"
"I… Yes, I guess."
"Then just be with him."
I bit the inside of my check and tried my hardest not to lose my temper, what would Kyle understand? If I could 'just be with him' then I would have.
"I'm not gay" I told him quietly, unsure of what else to tell him and he rolled his eyes, raising his voice a little higher.
"If I had a motherfucking dime every time you said that!" He shook his head "I've been through this with Kenny. Granted, the guy's a sexual deviant and it was a lot easier for him to come to terms with it than you but Jesus..."
"It's not easy for me" I stammered truthfully, the confessions quickly becoming too personal and embarrassing to share.
"Stop thinking about yourself. What about Tweek? How much longer are you going to convince everyone that you're only with him for the money? We see through that bullcrap. And what happens when someone tells him, huh? He's not only gonna be heartbroken that you lead him on for so long but you're also going to have to make the choice whether you want to walk away or fix it and be with him. For real."
Was this another famous Kyle Broflovski speech? The ones that always made a lot of sense but no one wanted to hear. I certainly didn't want to listen to it either, the sound of reason and logic. Questions I didn't have an answer to.
There was a long pause and I had nothing to add or at least nothing I'd wish to say aloud. I didn't plan far ahead, I didn't prepare for if and how Tweek would finally find out he was apart of a bet that turned into something much bigger and far more evil. Then again, I never planned to fall in this deep with Tweek.
I'd become… very fond of him.
Kyle decided to stop there when he received no answer. I felt bad, about everything, so tremendously bad.
"I'm sorry" I told him, my eyes pinned to the floor in shame. He sighed and pulled his hat on before making his way towards the door.
"Are you going to the dance tonight?" He asked.
"Do I look like I'm going anywhere?" I retorted. He smiled.
"If you change your mind then come find me in the bachelors' group. Surprisingly there's only a few of us single dudes left." With that, he departed.
There was a stagnant smell in the air around me and it wasn't just from the lack of showering. I suddenly felt heavy with guilt, heavy with shame and a whole load of other mixed emotions clashing against each other. My phone buzzed against my leg stirred me from the depressive pit and the screen flashed Tweek's name.
The mood changed. It always did when he spoke to me.
Tweekers: Blue or black tux?
I leaned back against the headboard of my bed and gazed up at the blank white of the ceiling in thought as the squeaks and pitter patters of Stripe's feet broke into the silence.
I was thinking about Tweek in a tuxedo, the silken fabric draped over his small frame, the way his shirt would have a few buttons in the wrong places and the way his hair would be ruffled by his pillow and neglected by his comb. He'd look beautiful, with that smile he'd wear that I like and the way that he'd nervously peer at me from behind his long eyelashes. The more I fantasized about it, the more I realised that I wanted to see him, to dance with him. So I made up my mind and I replied.
Me: Blue. I'll see you there.
The purpose of these seasonal dances was still unbeknownst to me. It was American movie worthy, complete with sparkly Christmas decorations, tacky music and questionable fruit punch. However, it seemed to amuse the students enough for the girls to doll themselves up and the guys to grab themselves a cheap tux with the price tag still tucked neatly into their pocket.
These were the sort of conventions I wouldn't miss when high school was over. One or two more of these things and I'd be free of this dreaded suit I'd been milking since junior year.
This was a suit I'd worn to my grandmother's funeral just after I turned sixteen, bless her heart and soul. It was black of course, smart and slightly on the morbid side but it did it's job, however sweltering and smart it was for school dances. I was more interested in other people's attire than my own anyhow.
The whole senior year filtered into the hall, catching up with their friends under the blue disco lights and helping themselves to punch and mini turkey sandwiches. I'd come in alone via dad's truck and juggled the keys between each hand as I scanned the hall for a familiar face, Kyle perhaps.
I didn't need to look far to spot a shrub of tight auburn curls, desperately gelled back as far as they would go and said boy was entertaining a plastic cup of punch and laughing at something Jimmy Valmer pointed out about the punch being spiked or something along those lines. I swiftly made my way towards him and examined his attire: a black tux, plain and simple. His smile stretched from ear to ear in disbelief as he caught sight of me, passing me a cup of punch and patting me on the back.
"Really didn't think you'd show" he grinned as he held the juice out to me. I shook my head politely and reached into the inside pocket of my jacket, discreetly fishing out a flask and taking a long, putrid sip from the instrument.
"That's so typical of you" Kyle raised his brows and sipped contently on his pink punch. I didn't put it past him for being a good boy and sticking to the punch but me on the other hand, I needed a little hit of something strong and warm to keep me sane in these god forsaken scenarios. It didn't make it any better that I couldn't see Tweek anywhere, not by Wendy, not in the corner sporting a travel mug of coffee. Nowhere.
"Where's Clyde?" I asked as I glanced around the 'bachelor's club' only to find that the school's most well known virgin and crybaby bachelor wasn't amongst us. I would've thought I could at least find Clyde. Kyle rolled his eyes and braced himself to rant.
"I know. I didn't fucking believe it either but look, he's scored with Bebe" the redhead motioned to the bleachers where Clyde, in a sudden wave of confidence, was sat with an arm around Bebe, his eyes hooded and dazed as she laughed at something dumb he said. I couldn't believe it, he'd been talking about her for so long and now as they began making out in the dark corner of the bleachers it actually seemed like he was getting somewhere in his ten-year or so year plan. Well, at least I wouldn't have to listen to his whining every morning on the way to school.
I took another sip of the bitter whiskey from my flask, engaging in conversation with the other members of the bachelor group and watching as Kyle glared almost in irritation at Stan and Wendy dancing playfully together in the centre of the hall.
"They've broken up so many times" he groaned "I wish they would call it a day already." I couldn't tell if it was jealousy or genuine frustration I could sense in Kyle's throat but I sure did know the feeling of yo-yoing back and forth with your best friend. I'd bet that Kyle had been Stan's shoulder to cry on for a year too many by now, what with the amount of times Wendy had broken up with him.
Tweek still wasn't present.
I sloshed the alcohol in my flask and watched Kyle's features sadden pathetically as he observed the famous couple of South Park dance around ecstatically as if they thought they weren't heading in separate paths in a few months.
"If it makes you feel any better, Tweek is one of Wendy's best friends and he told me that she's gonna leave Stan for good after graduation. She's pretty positive she's gonna get into Yale or some shit" I explained. Kyle raised his brows at me and let out a long sigh, perhaps one he'd been holding in for a good few years now. However, he didn't seem surprised.
"I don't know whether that makes me feel better" he told me "I know for certain Stan wouldn't get into Yale."
"Surely he wouldn't want to either?" I add and Kyle scoffed.
"No, he doesn't want to go to Yale but for Wendy he sure will try his ass off."
Stan and Kyle were best friends and it was always evident that Kyle was the more together of the two, always fixing things, always ever the more wise and patient. It was unrequited love at it's finest.
"Tweek's here" Kyle told me quietly, the faintest of smiles on his lips.
I spun around on my heels quicker than I anticipated and sure as snow in South Park, Tweek Tweak had just emerged into the hall, his navy blue tux dusted in snow and his cheeks tinted rose. His blue-green eyes were boring into me from across the hall and I hadn't the slightest idea how much I'd miss them after a week of solitude until now.
He smiled, a sort of shy smile at that and then he tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, waiting patiently for the leader of the waltz to approach him and whisk him across the dancefloor. That was me. This, was something I was willing to do. Not just willing, but I was eager to dance with him. Despite the masses of people around me, eyes prepared to witness what photos days ago had insinuated, I had to have this dance with Tweek.
"Hey" I spoke under my breath, a tickle at the back of my throat that I refused to reach.
"Hey" he replied, his voice small. He was gazing up at me through his lashes with that reserved smile of his, the smile reserved for Craig Tucker.
"You look great" he tried to restrain a giggle as he examined my outfit. I laughed for him instead, knowing full well how ridiculous I must've looked in a funeral suit, blue converse on my feet and black hair spilling messily over my eyes. I held out my arm for him to latch onto and invited him over to the refreshment table where Kyle's cheshire grin was hard to ignore from behind the punch stand.
But it didn't matter, because instantly I felt a lot better with Tweek conjoined to me this way. We were just passing time until the slow songs cued and I could give Tweek a dance that I'd promised at some point during my hibernation.
I noticed Kenny bumble towards Kyle with Butters' hand clasped tightly in his own as the boy trailed behind him, all three of them stole glances at me as Kenny explained something intently to Kyle. Kenny was ironically wearing the most expensive suit in the building, the tags poking out from the waistline and front pocket while Butters didn't surprise anyone with his choice of a pink waistcoat and bowtie.
His face was still pretty swollen from our quarrel, he didn't look any less pissed off about it either but I couldn't see great in the minimal lighting and I certainly couldn't hear whatever he was hissing at Kyle over the music but I knew that it was about me. My ears were burning and Butters kept shooting me this apologetic look as he twiddled his fingers together, much like Tweek did when he had something on his mind.
Twiddling of the fingers, a bad omen.
Tweek tugged gently on my arm and motioned to the dance floor where heads started to dip into their dance partner's necks and the loud chatter died down into the soft lull of Crimson and Clover. I had to admire Tweek for his own admiration of cheesy rituals and I supposed, however much I despised these sorts of occasions, I owed him a lot more than this. A slow dance was the least I could grant him.
He took a hold of my wrist and gently tugged me across the floor. We woke in and out of the numerous amounts of couples who swayed side to side to the old ballad. We ended up in the far corner where the music was quieter and the lights weren't as offensive to the eyes.
He gazed up at me warmly before positioning my hands on his waist and ever so slowly snaking his own hands over my suit until they sat comfortably on my broad shoulders. There was that timid smile again, his eyes sparkled up at me as we began to sway and rotate around our spot and the cool shadows of the room engulfed us into the music.
Tweek eventually broke the gaze and rest his head against my chest, instinctively he blinked everytime my heart beat against his ear, which was always more than usual when he was around.
"I missed you" he whispered, I could just about hear him. I hoped then that he wouldn't ask what I was doing.
"Where were you?" Damn it.
I cleared my throat and tightened my grip on his waist protectively. "I was just sick" I told him quietly against his ear, a little trick I'd learnt in the last few weeks. But my breath against his ear wasn't enough to fool him into silence tonight.
"Y-you were crying" he muttered "I can't get that out of my head." I licked my lips and looked away pitifully. I felt remorseful that he was more concerned about me crying than the fact I nearly violated him against his will that night. Something I still have yet to come to terms with.
I pulled him closer until I could smell him, the sweet and fragrant aroma of green apple, one's favourite coffee shop and the undertone of anxiety. It was Tweek's scent, one I'd become quite accustomed to.
"I'm sorry for what I did" I murmured into his hair "I don't know what came over me."
The blond pursed his lips pensively before he pulled back to examine my face as I spoke. This was a trick of Tweek's. He liked to look at me when I admit things or if there was an opportunity that I could, if ever, display something on my face other than a lack of interest. He did this probably because he didn't trust me and I couldn't blame him for that. I didn't even trust myself anymore.
"It's okay" he reassured me and stroked a few strands of hair behind my ear so he could look into my eyes.
"It's not" I protest. He didn't get it, he didn't understand. He was too good, too pure.
The song was drawing to an end and I was feeling relieved that I would have a reason not to continue this conversation any further until Bryan Adams began to echo throughout the room and winter spotlights bounced off all the waltzing couples.
"Craig" Tweek began, in a voice that he used when he was about to make a lot of sense. "There's something going on with you and I- well, I think you should talk to me. I want to help."
I bit my lip and twirled him round, I was painfully avoiding meeting his eyes. "I'm fine" I told him and it would have sounded so much more convincing if I had even believed it myself as I said it.
"I know what happened with Kenny." I swallowed. "And I-I think I know what's happening with you. It's common, really, but something you gotta, you know, come to terms with…"
God, no. Please stop, I thought.
"You don't understand, Tweek…"
"But I do. I'm gay, I understand perfectly."
"It isn't- ugh, it isn't that." It was that. It was exactly that.
"Then what… I'm running out of ideas here." He was beginning to sound frustrated with me, a first for him; it was well deserved.
"Tell me what I don't know" he urged. I wish I could, I was so almost ready to rip the bandaid off and come clean. Sooner than later right? Ah, it was too late for that. It'd been two months give or take a week and every single day it became harder to lie to him. When he didn't receive an answer he stood back and untangled himself from my arms. My chest began to ache once I felt his body heat depart and I was so sure he was about to turn around and walk back out of that door with his back turned to me, everyone in this room knew I deserved no less.
"I do know that I can help you, Craig. But only if you let me in, you have to let me in" he paused, inhaled and finally caught my eyes, teal clashed with blue.
"I love you."
Did the music stop? Was Heaven beginning to sound like a splitting headache or was that just me and my ears ringing? Tweek didn't twitch, he didn't stutter or gasp spontaneously. He looked me dead in the eye and told me that he loved me.
Me.
Love.
He couldn't just drop that on me like that. What was I supposed to say? Time was going by, it was going by slowly but not nearly slow enough for my mouth to form a coherent answer.
"I…"
Tweek's face looked hopeful, he was telling the truth and he a hundred percent meant what he said. Any fool could see that. But it wasn't as if he even needed to tell me that he loved me, I already knew that he did. Saying it aloud just made it harder to ignore. This was why love made this so hard.
I watched the spotlights pass over his messy locks of hair, snowflake patterns danced on his face, his face that began to fall each second that I wasted not telling him that I felt the same way. We'd long stopped dancing.
"I need to tell you something."
An array of mixed emotions contorted his expression. Confusion, hurt, anxiousness, anger and somewhere in the mix of it all was the desperate look of hope. Hope and faith into something as unreliable as me.
Suddenly I regretted starting this conversation, this confession. I realized how bad of a time it was, how public of a place we were and how vulnerable Tweek looked before me, the realization of rejection hitting him like a bullet I never intended to shoot. He told me he loved me, it wasn't like it was out of the blue either. We'd been unofficially dating for two months, we were best friends, we kissed, we had sex, we talked about our lives. That was more than enough reason to fall in love with someone. So why couldn't I accept it? Why couldn't I tell him that I loved him too? I couldn't have let him down anymore than I'd let myself down.
"W-well, what is it?!" The twitching returned, the panic and doubt in his voice was all to evident. I didn't know how to proceed from there. Where did I start? The part about Cartman paying me to date him? About how me getting in touch again was out of duty, not genuine care for my best friend? Or how about the part where I realized I loved him, the part I realized I wasn't straight and hated myself and blamed him for both. Would that make the blow any softer? Would it make the situation any less of a big fat disgusting lie?
"Tucker."
Before I could spit any lame excuse for the monster that I was, both me and Tweek shot up to the source of the voice, a well known large individual in a red suit, hair combed back and smirk as malevolent as I'd ever known it to be.
This couldn't be happening. Everything that could ever go wrong had gone wrong all in the space of one song and as the third and last track began to play, I knew right there and then that I'd lost Tweek. I'd lost him and it felt worse than anything ever had, it made every other problem I'd ever had feel like a piece of cake to solve.
An envelope full of cash, an envelope to end all.
"I knew you'd take him to the dance. You made the right decision" Cartman grinned, he knew exactly what he was doing. This was his payback for ignoring him, for wanting out of the bet.
He tucked the envelope into my pocket and I couldn't move to stop him, I couldn't grab his wrist and twist his arm until it snapped as much as I fucking wished I could. I was frozen, sweating profoundly and the only thing that moved was the rapid beat of my heart, furiously pounding into my ears.
"Pleasure doing business with you."
That's what Cartman left us with. He knew already that me and Tweek were over and that's why he said goodbye, that's why he walked away smiling. I couldn't hurt him, I couldn't blame the guy… This was what I opted for from the very beginning. This, was my fault.
When I finally looked up, nothing could have hit me harder than the betrayal in Tweek's eyes, the way his face burned in shame and his lip quivered.
"What… W-what" he couldn't speak and I couldn't hear, I felt so sick I could pass out. He tried to compose himself so he could ask me, ask me why I was this way. He wanted to know what just happened. But Tweek wasn't stupid, so he didn't ask.
He blinked back what I could only assume were tears and then, like I expected, he turned his back on me. He left.
I wanted to cry, I wanted so badly to scream apologies at him before he opened that door and walked home through the snow in tears, humiliated and hurt, all because of me. But I couldn't feel upset. I knew this was going to happen and I didn't have a right to explain myself anymore.
A/N: It was about time, huh?
