Chapter 17

Taylor felt herself losing her breath. She had enjoyed everything Randy had done up until that point. She could not understand why she could not get over that memory.

"Randy," she chocked. "Please, stop." She did not want to cry. Not again. Not with Randy. John always stopped when they got to the point that she was no longer comfortable. But she had never allowed John to get as far as she allowed Randy.

Randy was different from John in so many ways. John had the tongue of the devil. Always saying the right words. Randy said what he felt. He did not sugar coat it to spare anyone's feelings. John always found ways to get her alone. He was an expert at romance and setting the scene. Randy never had to plan his move on her. It seemed to just happen. Of course he usually cross the friendship line after a touch from her except when he wanted to satisfy Kenneth's desire to see her in pain. He played that part well, but he always lost control.

"Randy, please."

And he shocked her by rolling off her body and lying beside her.

"You confuse me." He whispered, holding his forehead to hers and playing with her hair. He sighed. "I guess I need to accept the fact that you don't like me this way."

"No." she cried out. "Randy that's not it at all." She could not stop her mouth from spilling out what she wanted to keep secret. "You're the one I want the most."

"You keep toying with me." He pushed her away.

"Randy, don't pull away. Don't pull away." She laid her body against his and laid her head on his chest. "I love being like this with you. I love the way your body feels next to mine. So warm …"

"Taylor, if John is your choice … I want to know now. I don't want to keep trying to win you away from him if I have no chance."

"I've been with John for a while now." She challenged. "Why do you keep coming after me? I was sure you would have given up on me by now."

Taylor was drunk and she knew she was.

"I have to be with John. I just can't seem to get over my past enough to give him what he expects from his girlfriend."

"You have to be with John? What in the hell does that mean?"

"It means I love you, you stupid jerk!" she sobbed. "I just can't be with you."

Taylor's rants confused him even more. She loved him and but she couldn't be with him? It made no sense.

"I'm done with this." He slid out of bed and began to pull on his jeans. "If you want John … go be with him and stop driving me insane with your contradictions."

"I have to be with John." She repeated, tears streaking her cheeks. "John will move on and forget about me when he leaves. But you … with you there is a future …"

She was talking crazy again. No one would understand. They didn't know what she did.

"I'm sorry." She told him laying her head down on the pillow. "I would love more than anything to be with you just once. I want that memory so badly."

Randy softened. His anger faded. He sat down on the bed again.

"I think this is all my fault." He sighed. "I'm too forceful. I try so hard to be gentle with you but I can't help it. My last girlfriend. I liked me to be rough and now I guess I know why. I don't know any other way."

"You're not that rough, Randy. And tonight and on the docks before it wasn't your fault. I just can't … I keep seeing him."

Randy lay beside her and held her.

"That wasn't the first time he … attacked you was it?"

"Arman touched me inappropriate several times. Ever since I was about twelve, I guess. Before I began to mature, I thought he was a great guy, but after he looked at me differently and he would trap me against a wall when my mother wasn't home. He always said I needed to know what a boy would try to get away with and he was showing me what I should not let them do."

"You didn't tell anyone."

Taylor shook her head.

"I couldn't. He made me feel like I had done something wrong. He told me that the way I presented myself turned a man on and if I didn't stop …. He told me every time he touched me that each time I had caused it and that I needed to try harder not to entice him. I don't know what I did."

"I have something." He admitted. "To confess." He pulled the bag out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

"Pills. That make you really relaxed and I guess kind of drunk. I got them from punk. They are what men use in the bars to get women to go home with them I'm guessing."

"You were going to drug me?"

"No. I thought about it. But … I honestly don't know what I was thinking." He let them drop from his fingers. "I just have this crazy idea that if I was able to be with you once … then you wouldn't be scared anymore."

"I like the making out part. I love it." Taylor admitted. "It feels so good. But I don't know if I will ever be able to do more than that. I keep seeing his face and that night."

"I want to help you. But I don't know how." Randy continued to caress her naked body.

"If I said I just wanted to do what we were doing and nothing more, would that be okay with you. Would you be able to?"

"I think that's a risky request, Taylor. We get carried away every time and I'm scared I won't be able to stop myself."

Taylor looked at the bag lying on the bed and then she looked back at Randy. She wanted to be with him. She picked up the bag, opened it and took one out.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm tired of letting Arman's memory haunt me." She put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it, then she pulled Randy in her embrace.