A/N: I'm back! Enjoy!
Picks up immediately from last chapter. Derek at the hospital with Helen.
.
"So, can you do it?" Helen's soft accented voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Helen," Derek sat up and took her hand. "Hm," he smiled at her, happy to see her awake and cognizant.
"Well?"
"Right to the point are we?"
"Why not?" Helen smiled back. "I'm dying here, Shepherd."
"Mm. You're getting morbid in your old age."
"Language, dear." Helen shifted and groaned a little as she sat up in her bed. Derek sighed and gazed at his colleague, his friend, with compassion. She too looked at him intently. "Did you fall in the river on your way here? You look like a drowned rat."
That caused him to snort. "I..." he shook his head. He couldn't tell her about Addison right now. "Just contemplating life on the ferryboat."
"In the rain? Without an umbrella?"
"Yeah." he smiled ruefully. "One of those days."
"Well that's pretty silly if you ask me. Did you at least have one of those scrumptious donuts?"
"I thought I wasn't supposed to have petty indulgences."
"That was different. You were a resident. Residents aren't allowed indulgences."
Derek smirked, shaking his head. "You're something else, Helen."
"Of course I am. So, can you do it?"
He'd seen the scan. If he was in his right mind he would take it all. It was big, but not as big as before. But it was awful close to the superior sagil sinus artery. If he was in his right mind he would take the risk. He rubbed his jaw, his five-o'clock shadow like sandpaper against his hand. He swallowed. "Where's Jake?" he asked.
Helen waved a dismissing hand. "He went to the condo to bring me my things. Enough stalling. Tell me."
"I can do the resection," he nodded.
"But you can't get it all."
Derek sighed. He didn't need another failure. Another black mark. Especially when it was his friend. "No... I don't think..." He stopped and pushed his insecurity down. "No, it's too dangerous," he said finally, looking down at his shoes.
Helen sighed and looked away from him. "So eventually, I'll have to have another surgery."
"Yes."
Awkard silence filled the room. Derek slumped back in his chair. He couldn't get the image of Addison and Mark out of his mind. What happened? How could he? Betrayal gnawed at his heart. His Best Friend. The man who held the rings for him now seemed to be taking them away. And his friendship. He wouldn't lose another friend. Not today.
"Contemplating life again, Derek?"
"Mm." He replied, pushing himself out of his chair. "I'm going to get an OR booked, okay? Get some rest." He managed a reassuring smile to cover up his fear that in a few hours he'd be hovering over Helen's brain.
xxx
"Dr. Peterson, can you close?" he asked.
The Resident who had been assisting him nodded, "Yes Dr. Shepherd."
Derek stepped back from the table and scrubbed out. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. The surgery had been successful. Helen would be symptom free for the time being, but... he shook his head. He'd played it safe. He could've... there was a chance that he could've gotten it all. But as he'd come up to the margin of the tumor... his fingers trembled. It was unnoticable to the residents and nurses, but he noticed. So he played it safe.
He scrubbed out, his mind going peacefully blank during the familiar routine before he'd have to inform Jake. He walked slowly out of the surgical wing into the waiting area.
Jake was waiting patiently in one of the lowback chairs, his legs crossed as he peered at a surgical magazine. He seemed so relaxed despite the fact that his wife just had brain surgery. In many ways, Jake was the opposite of Helen. Where she was elegant, Jake was conventional. Where she was impatient, he was contemplative. Where she was cultured, he was rustic. A part of Derek admired the man for it.
"Jake," he called, and Jake raised his head. "Dr. Shepherd," he said, standing up to greet him.
"Please, it's Derek."
"Derek. Is Helen-?"
He smiled, "The surgery was successful. There weren't any complications. Your wife will be fine."
"Oh, thank God."
"Hmm," He rumbled before he was captured in a tight hug. "Okay." He patted the man's shoulder. "You can go see her now, I'll take you."
xxx
Jake was snoring at Helen's bedside, and Derek too was fighting sleep. He wanted to see this through. See her through. And it wasn't like he had anything else to do anyway.
A long sigh could be heard over Jake's snores, and Derek stood up. Helen's eyes fluttered. She sighed again, smacked her lips, and opened her eyes. "No donuts?" she whispered hoarsely.
Derek shrugged, "You and your donuts."
He turned to Jake, but Helen shook her head. "Let him sleep."
"Okay." Derek took out his penlight, and begain his routine neuro exam. "Squeeze my finger."
Helen obliged. "Now, you are going to tell me what's wrong with you Shepherd."
"Nothing is wrong. Follow the light," he flashed his penlight in her eyes, watching her pupils dilate.
"You're lying."
"It's nothing for you to worry about. What's the date?"
"It's the day after yesterday. I'm fine Derek. No tingling or numbness, no blurred vison, no headaches. Except where you drilled a hole in my skull. Now, tell me what is going on, because I saw the scans too Derek, and I thought... this time you'd have the balls-"
"Balls?" Derek interrupted sharply, deeply offended. "Really Helen?" He did what he said he would do. He gave her more time. What more could she ask of him?
"You played it safe. I expected a speech. Something about how you could get it all. Something about a different approach... But..." she shook her head.
"I'm sorry I didn't want to kill my friend!" He snarled back at her.
But Helen didn't listen. "What happened to you? Where was that daring intern I remembered? The one who even kept Richard Webber on his toes?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." But he did know... he'd felt it for a long time... And it wasn't Addison or Mark or what they did together, it was... him.
He'd changed somehow. It had happened so slowly and naturally as he'd grown. He'd become comfortable. He'd been taking things for granted, not realizing how quickly things could fall apart. How quickly he could lose it all. And now...
He looked down at Helen, picked up her hand and squeezed. "I wasn't ready, Helen." He blew a defeated sigh. "I..." he shook his head, letting his eyes reveal the dissappointment he had in himself. "I just... I couldn't... I wasn't ready. I'm not that person anymore."
Fail, fail fail. Rattled through his head. Was this why? Why Addison and Mark- Was he why?
"The drawer," Helen whispered.
"What?"
"Open the drawer." She was trying to stay awake.
He slid it open. A ferryboat scrubcap. "What's this?"
"Jake and I met on a Ferryboat you know," Helen said. "I just arrived here from Iran." Her eyes flashed with love as she gazed at her sleeping husband.
"Really?" He grinned.
"Mmhmm. I took a risk. Asked him for directions to Union Station. He was more than accomadating." She smiled, "The next thing I knew, he was my best friend, and then my husband."
Derek thumbed the fabric, admiring the simple yet meaningful picture of the Ferryboats and the water and the seagulls.
"I had it with me in the OR."
"You did?" he hadn't noticed. He'd been so focused on not screwing this up, that...
"You should keep it." Helen said.
"Oh, I..."
She shook her head. "Every surgeon needs a lucky cap. I won't be using it anyway."
Shock filled him. What did she mean, not using it? "You're not-"
"Jake and I are going to enjoy our time together. Who knows what's going to happen next? I've made my mark in the medical world... now I need to make a mark in my husband's world."
"Hmm," he sighed. He hadn't made many marks of any kind lately. "You're sure?" He asked.
"Yes." Helen closed her eyes.
Jake snorted awake. "Huh?" he jerked in his chair. "Helen?"
Derek patted the man's shoulder. "She's awake. She's going to be perfectly fine."
"Helen," Jake stood and walked up to the bed. He kissed her softly on the lips. "I'm glad you're alive."
"I love you." She said simply, caressing his cheek. She scooted over in the bed and patted it. Wordlessly, he lay down next to her and wrapped his arms around her.
Derek felt his heart constrict and he blinked. "Well," he managed, "Dr. Peterson will take take care of you post-op... so... We'll keep in touch okay?"
Helen and Jake both nodded and Derek backed out quickly.
xxx
The wind blew harshly against him, but the sun was peeking out along the coast. It sparked a pink glare that reflected off of thousands of windows from the NY skyline. He sighed. He didn't even know where he was going. He bunched the scrubcap in his hand. Ferryboats. Contemplation.
He had to change. He had to find out who he was again.
But he had no clue how to start.
His phone rang. Addison? At this hour? Really? But it wasn't. Who was calling him from a 206 number?
"Hello?" He asked.
The voice on the other end was deep and familiar. "Richard? Richard Webber?"
