Hi everybody! Just wanted to say thanks for reading. Just so you all know, this chapter is a bit heavy and there is a trigger warning in place.
"Levi! Hey come on, not so fast!" Hange has to jog to catch up to the captain who is walking rather hastily toward the courtyard.
"Levi?"
"Not now." He growls. Hange just walks beside him, no longer trying to ask what's wrong. Once out in the open air Levi slows down. He breathes in the fresh air and lifts his head to the sun. He walks toward the trees at the end of the courtyard.
"Levi? What's the matter?" Hange is a little worried. "Levi? Are-" he brings a hand up to silence her. Without any warning Levi turns around and bends over. He coughs and gasps as the vomit is almost violently expelled from his body. He groans in discomfort and annoyance. This is disgusting. Hange starts to pat him firmly on the back. He knows what she is trying to do but would rather not be touched in this filthy state.
"No." He shakes her hand off just before the rest of his breakfast is spilled on the ground.
"Levi?"
Levi breathes air deep into his lungs before standing upright again. He takes out his handkerchief and wipes his face thoroughly before turning back toward Hange, who just watches him with concern.
"Better?" Hange is uncharacteristically quiet, but he appreciates it right now.
Levi just shakes his head as he leans back on a nearby tree and tries to recollect himself. He hasn't felt this awful in years. Not since he was a teenager. Not only does it suck, it's gross. He hates this feeling. Hange hasn't seen Levi with such a faraway look before. She really can't even begin to guess what he might be thinking about.
"Last night, she crawled into my lap and started to unbuckle my belt. She whispered…" He shuts his eyes, remembering the dread and shock that ran like ice through his bloodstream. "I can make you feel good." If he hadn't already emptied the contents of his stomach, Levi would feel sick all over again. "In a lapse of judgment I pushed her away instead of just telling her to stop."
Hange just listens.
"When she woke up just now, she said she wasn't ready. I asked what for she just said 'ready for you, for whatever you want.' I told her to forget about that. Whatever happened then won't happen here. I swore to protect her… And she asked what I wanted from her in return. She was convinced that our aid came at a price. She didn't even feel she had a choice but to give up another part of herself…" When he looks at Hange, she's surprised that his usually calm and emotionless expression has disappeared. He looks confused and sad. It's a look Hange has never seen on Levi before. He doesn't wear it well, but then again, few do.
"How many girls had you come across like that before?" Hange asks.
"It was girls and boys, but the answer is still too many." Is Levi's quiet reply. "I grew up around kids that would give up their souls for a single meal. Children offering up their bodies, their service, anything they had." Levi feels as though he's about to fall over. He sits down on the ground, the tree being the only thing keeping him upright. "Just so they could eat one hot meal… So they could sleep somewhere warm and dry for a few hours, not even a full day."
Hange leans on the tree beside him. She's caught on by now, but Levi knew she would. A part of him wanted her to.
"Levi…. How old were you?"
He doesn't respond right away. Just looks toward the sun in search of warmth. His heart starts to race and try as he might he can't slow it down.
"I… I was ten."
He was hungry, it was winter, and he was alone. Kenny had disappeared and Levi searched for days before accepting that he was on his own. He'd spent the last of his money and his previous meal was almost a week prior.
You look hungry.
If he hadn't have been thinking solely with his stomach and his fingers weren't throbbing with premature frostbite, Levi wouldn't have entered that home. But he did. Because he was hungry, and this stranger wanted to cook him dinner and give him warm clothes. He was only ten. What could he do?
I just want to help you.
He was no fool, even as a young child. He saw the twisted desire in those eyes. That smile. Kenny warned him time and time again just how many ways people would try to hurt him if given the opportunity.
Lie down. Stop crying.
Levi had to abandon everything he'd been taught if he wanted to live long enough to heed those warnings. He even agreed to leave his knife at the door. He was just so hungry.
It'll hurt less if you relax.
"Once. Never again." Never again. It was after that night he swore never to be hungry. Never to be dirty. Never to be cold. "Never again." He repeats.
Good boy. Such a good boy.
Stop crying.
"He didn't... Didn't even hit me or become violent." Levi mumbles as he recalls the sickening tender touches. "He was gentle…" Hange can hear his voice trembling. "He told me… That I should be grateful. No one would have helped me out of kindness and he... He was right. I was given a meal, and I wasn't going to freeze. No one else would have done that… Anyone else would have just… Just used me and left me to die. At least he kept his word." These thoughts have tormented Levi for over 20 years. Hange is the first person to hear the whole story. Hear the warped logic his ten year old mind was forced to accept so he could survive.
"Levi, he was wrong."
"He saved my life." Levi shivers. If the hunger didn't kill him first, he'd have frozen to death. That's a fact. One that he forces himself to acknowledge.
"But he took away a part of you. Something that's worth more than some clothes and a hot meal."
His eyes are shut tight. He can't breathe. Levi is ten years old again. Some filthy old man has their lips mashed against his collarbone. One rough hand holds his wrists above his head. The other caresses his inner thigh. He's freezing right now, but somehow his entire body is covered in a thin layer of sweat. So dirty. So cold. Dirty. Cold. Coldcoldcoldcold.
Dirtyfilthynastysoileddirty.
No. No. No. Dammit!
He hasn't had a panic attack in almost 10 years and he's never had one in front of another person. His hands rush to his head and he can't even feel himself pulling at his own hair.
What a good boy. It's okay.I've been nice to you haven't I? Just relax. Shhh it's okay. It only hurts at first.
Good boy. Good boy. Goodgoodgoodgood-
No! Stop. Don't make me. I don't feel good. Please no more. Please stop. That hurts! That hurts, please… Please stop.
I fed you. I gave you warmth. A bed. This is the least you could do for me. Just be grateful. Just be a good boy.
He hears a child screaming. Crying. Begging. It doesn't take long for Levi to realize the child is him.
Stop! Please! It hurts! It hurts! NO! It's burning! Get it out! Please! Take it out of me! No!
"Levi."
I never told you my name!
"Levi."
Stop it! You shouldn't know my name!
"Open your eyes."
No!
"It's Hange. Remember?"
I don't know anyone named Hange.
"It's Hange Zoe. And you are Captain Levi. Humanity's strongest soldier. You're safe."
Hange?
"Open your eyes, Levi."
I don't want to see his face.
"You won't. I promise. You won't."
It's dark. He's still there.
"He's gone Levi. It's just you and me here."
He's still touching me. I feel him touching me. It hurts.
"No one can touch you. Not without your permission. You're safe."
He's gone?
"He's never coming back."
He opens his eyes to see Hange in front of him. Just Hange. She looks concerned. Worried.
"I'm sorry." His voice feels hoarse.
"Don't be sorry." She whispers. "I'm going to take your hands, okay?"
He didn't realize the tight grasp he still had on his hair. Hange attempts to untangle his fingers but he flinches violently, even with her warning him beforehand. He fights her. He resists, because he is deftly afraid of being touched. Of being hurt again.
"No." He whines. Hange has never heard him this way before. He sounds small. Afraid. Broken.
"It's just me." She whispers. He gives in eventually. Half of him realizes that it really is just hange. The other half has decided not to fight and get it over with.
"I'm sorry." He can feel himself trembling as he squeezes her hands.
"It's okay, Levi. It's okay."
He lowers his head to hide his shame and embarrassment. His breathing quickens. This isn't over yet. Hange runs the risk of hugging Levi to comfort him. He doesn't fight her this time, and she sees that as a good sign. She holds his frightened, trembling frame tight, whispering words of encouragement and comfort. They stay like this for quite some time. As long as Levi needs.
"Deep breaths, Levi." Hange says quietly after his breathing is somewhat calm. "Slow, deep breaths."
He follows her instructions. When he pushes her away, she knows he's alright.
"Thank you."
"For what?" Hange gives him a little smile. There is still so much sadness in his eyes, but he holds her gaze. Holds her hands.
"Thank you."
"It's okay." Her smile is kind and comforting.
When his grasp on reality seems to have come back to him, Levi releases Hange's hands. He continues recalling his past. Now that he's started he must finish.
"I found him again… four years later. He was with another child… Offering them food and shelter. As it turned out…" Levi shakes his head. "The kid was a regular. He had nothing except what that bastard gave him. He was seven, Hange. Seven years old."
Hange listens to Levi's recollection with the heaviest of hearts.
"I castrated the sonofabitch before cutting his throat." His fists are balled so tight he's sure his palms are bleeding from how hard his nails must be digging into his skin. He fails to mention that after cutting the man's throat, Levi proceeded to stab his corpse over and over to the point of complete exhaustion.
"And the kid?" Hange asks.
"Taught him to use a blade, then sent him to someone I trusted. Someone who could keep him fed and off the streets until he was old enough."
"That was good of you, Levi. You saved his life." Hange puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. Levi responds by placing his hand over hers, but only for a moment.
"Not a single word." Levi warns her with an uneasy glare. "Don't you dare."
Hange just shakes her head. "Not a word." She repeats back to him.
He relaxes slightly and looks back toward the sun. He has no idea why he's trusted Hange with this but also realizes that he didn't hesitate or feel uncomfortable when revealing this part of his past. Few ever just… Listen. It's exactly what he needed.
"You know why I love Titans?" Hange interrupts Levi's thoughts.
"Because you're weird." He replies.
"Yes, 200%, but I have other reasons. I understand them." Hange explains. "It's easy to see why a mindless Titan does what it does. They have no heart, they don't have feelings like compassion or sorrow or even malice. All they're capable of is devouring people and running."
Levi is having trouble seeing her point, but lets her continue.
"I don't know about you, Levi, but I still have a lot of trouble trying to figure out how humans can hurt other humans the way we do. How can we, in all our infinite wisdom and knowledge, allow our children to suffer? How can we let thousands die from sickness and starvation when we have the resources needed to just do away with such problems? We're smart enough to know better. We have the superior intelligence, skill, and willpower to do so much good… Yet we hurt each other. We turn a blind eye to those that need us." Levi can hear her getting emotional. "We have MPs kidnapping children and the Garrison getting drunk on the job and scouts that join simply for a chance to leave this awful place and die somewhere beyond the walls. What the hell is wrong with us?"
"Real shitty." Levi comments.
"Yeah." Hange wipes away her single tear and smiles. "Shitty as ever."
They sit in silence for just a bit longer.
"She's going to be alright, Levi. You swore to protect her, and I know you don't take that kind of promise lightly." Hange reassures him.
"She'll never be alright." Levi breathes deeply as a gentle breeze hits his face. "She'll remain safe, but she won't be alright."
"I know." Hange hates that he's right. "We can't change her past. All we can do is hope to improve her future. Teach her how to trust and smile and be happy. That will bring her just a little closer to alright."
Levi actually nods in agreement. "We can do that."
"Want some tea?" Hange offers.
"More than anything." A strong cup of black tea with a splash of mint is exactly what he needs right now.
"Feeling better?" Hange asks as she stands in front of Levi, who hasn't moved from the tree.
"No." His expression is blank again. "I'll be fine."
"Let's head back then." She helps him to his feet.
