One Week Until Valentine's Day

"Puddin', are you sure you don't want any help with the planning?" asked Harley Quinn.

"I ain't never needed your help before, so why would I need it now?" asked the Joker, not looking up from the blueprint he was working on.

"I meant for…um…next week," said Harley, tentatively.

"I don't have a scheme for next week yet – gotta see how this one goes first," retorted Joker, still not looking up. "Who knows? This could be the one gag that actually kills the Bat, so I might not even need a scheme for next week."

"I actually meant Valentine's Day," said Harley, realizing that subtlety wasn't the Joker's strong suit. "Now I know you said you'd handle it this year, but it's always been something I've planned and you've just gone along with. Are you sure you're up to planning it yourself?"

"Jesus, Harley, what kinda idiot do you take me for?" asked Joker, rounding on her angrily. "If I can come up with these complicated death traps for the Bat, I can make a phone call to a stupid restaurant and pick up some flowers! Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you don't think I'm capable of that!"

"I do think you're capable, puddin'," said Harley, nodding. "I'm just not sure I…" She trailed off.

"You're not sure you what?" demanded Joker.

"I'm not sure I…trust you," stammered Harley. "I mean, you are a busy guy with a lot on your plate, and if you want me to take over the Valentine's Day plans, I'd be happy to…"

She flinched and stepped back as the Joker suddenly rose to his feet. "You don't trust me?" he repeated. "You don't think I'm the kinda guy you can depend on?"

"I…uh…" stammered Harley, wondering if she should lie and say she did.

"Because you know who sure as hell does think I'm dependable?" continued Joker, grabbing the paper from his desk and shoving it into her face. "Batman! I have planned approximately 1,992 different crimes, schemes, and battles that depend on me saying I'll show up and following through, and I have never, ever let him down!"

"Yeah, but…this is different, puddin'," said Harley. "You're used to making these plans with Bats, but I'm just not sure you'll…think about making plans with me without being prompted by me. You like your routines, because you're a comedian, and your routine with Batman is something you're used to, but stuff like Valentine's Day is still fairly new to you, and you might…you might…"

"Blow the routine?" finished Joker. "Is that what you think I'm going to do, Harley? You think that I, the greatest comedian in the world, can't complete a simple Valentine's Day routine?"

"I'm not meaning any of this as an insult, puddin' – I'm just offering to help you," said Harley. "To ease a load off your mind. I enjoy planning this stuff, y'see, so it wouldn't be a chore for me like it might be for you…"

"No, you're just possessive and controlling," snapped Joker.

"I'm possessive and controlling?" repeated Harley.

"Yeah," said Joker, nodding. "You say you're offering to organize this in order to help me so you'll seem like a nice, thoughtful girlfriend, but in actuality you just can't stand giving me control over our Valentine's Day plans. Because you think I might do something that might not fit in with your perfect Valentine's Day fantasy. If you're in charge of it, you can plan it how you want, but the fact that you're not in charge is just eating up a control freak like you, isn't it? Admit it."

"I'm sorry, you think I'm the control freak in this relationship?" asked Harley. "Have you met you? For someone who supposedly loves chaos and randomness, you are the most controlling person on the face of the planet. You once made me hand-paint your face onto a thousand balloons because the balloons I ordered were plain white ones instead of having your face printed on them."

"The scheme was called, '1000 Faces of Death' – it wouldn't have worked with balloons without my face on them!" snapped Joker. "There wouldn't have been any joke! And I had to cancel the scheme anyway because you couldn't get them all painted in time! Which was your fault, and which was doubly your fault because you didn't get the order right and get my face printed on them in the first place! And you wonder why I can be controlling when my help is so incompetent?!"

"Fine, if I'm so incompetent, you can plan Valentine's Day yourself!" snapped Harley. "And it had better be perfect! And that's the last time I offer to help you with anything, you ungrateful jerk!"

"It's gonna be a magical evening, because you won't be involved in organizing any part of it!" snapped Joker. "Your Valentine's Days have always been kitsch and gaudy and awful, full of syrupy love poems and nauseating stuffed animals with 'You're my sexy beast' written on them, but not this year! This year we're finally gonna have a tasteful, classy Valentine's Day."

"Yeah, the guy who dresses in purple and orange can talk to me about gaudy and kitsch," muttered Harley under her breath as she turned away.

Her arm was suddenly seized. "What was that, Harley?" demanded Joker. "Speak up."

"I didn't say anything, Mr. J," replied Harley. "You must be hearing things in your old age."

"You calling me old?" he demanded, seizing her other arm.

"If the shoe fits," replied Harley, shrugging. "And your shoes have spats on them, so…yeah, I guess I am."

"You trying to be funny, you little brat?" he snapped. "Because you ain't! The way I dress is the definition of taste and class – spats and a tailcoat is what Fred Astaire wore, and you don't get classier than that!"

"Does that make me Ginger Rogers, puddin'?" asked Harley, excitedly. "I've always thought the two of us could do one of their old dance numbers together…"

"You'd trip over your heels, you little klutz," retorted Joker.

"And then you could laugh at me," said Harley, nodding.

Joker thought for a moment. "Well, maybe I'll add that to the Valentine's Day list," he said at last.

Harley giggled. "Can't wait, puddin'," she said, kissing him. "I know whatever you plan is gonna be just the best, because you're just the best."

"Yes, I am," agreed Joker. "You're damn lucky to have me, and don't you forget it."

Harley kissed him again. "You need a little study break to tinker around with your Harley?" she purred, playing with his bowtie.

"We got a week to Valentine's Day – you'll get sex then," retorted Joker, shoving her away. "I got work to do."

"We could warm-up for Valentine's Day," pressed Harley. "Have a practice session…"

"You want sex on Valentine's Day?" interrupted Joker. Harley nodded vigorously. "Then stop nagging me for it now," snapped Joker. "Who gets sex twice in two weeks? You're just being greedy."

"I guess I am," sighed Harley. "I just love you so much, puddin'."

"I know you do," said Joker, nodding. "And you're gonna love me even more after Valentine's Day – it's gonna knock your socks off."

"I'm really, really looking forward to it, puddin'," sighed Harley, kissing him and heading off, smiling.

Joker thought for a moment, tapping his pencil against the table, and then returned to his plan for Batman. "I got a week to come up with something," he muttered to himself. "Plenty of time."