"No, see, you've done this all wrong!" exclaimed the Joker, as he arrived at the 22nd Street Bridge to see Two-Face and several of his henchmen standing around and looking very annoyed. "Look, some of this wiring isn't even connected!" he exclaimed, bending down and picking up some loose wires off the ground. "I don't know where you get your help, Harv, but it's even more incompetent than mine, and I didn't think that was possible! This is bomb-making, not rocket science, you morons! A child can do it!"
"Here," snapped Two-Face, handing him a set of pliers. "You fix it, then."
"I think your main problem is that you've run out of wiring," commented Joker, studying the bombs set up along the bridge. "Do you really need double wires on all these?"
"Yes," retorted Two-Face. "The coin said so."
Joker sighed. "Hoo boy," he muttered, kneeling down to tinker with one of the bombs. "This is why you shouldn't give explosives to the mentally unstable."
Two-Face's phone rang suddenly, and he answered it. "Hello? Oh…hi, Pam," he said, lowering his voice. "How are you…where am I? I'm on the 22nd Street Bridge making some bombs with J…"
"Hi, Literal Plant Lover!" chuckled Joker, waving at the phone.
"What do you mean is he…no, of course he's not my date!" snapped Two-Face. "Why would you say…Pammie, are you actually upset about that? You can't be mad at me…because you said we aren't a couple! I didn't think I was obligated…well, ok, I mean, I can throw something together for this evening…baby, you can't be angry…and you can't blame me for this! You specifically said we're not in a relationship! What am I supposed to interpret that as?! Baby…baby, no…baby, calm down…baby…"
He put the phone down slowly. "Uh…J…I think we'd better…run," he stammered.
"Why?" demanded Joker, but he got his answer that moment as giant plant roots suddenly burst from the ground, entangling the bridge and crushing it in their grip, which in turn set off the bombs. The explosion sent debris and plant roots and fire spreading into the city.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Joker, as he and Two-Face fled the scene. "What the hell did you do to piss her off?!"
"I still don't think I did anything wrong!" shouted Two-Face. "She said we're not a couple! That means we don't do things on Valentine's Day, right?! That's a reasonable assumption!"
"Nothing about the Plant Lady is reasonable!" shouted Joker. "Anyway, there's no need for her to throw a hissy fit like this – you got time until Valentine's Day!"
"You know it's today, right?" demanded Two-Face.
Joker stopped running suddenly as the realization struck him. "Aw, nuts," he muttered.
"You forgot, didn't you?" asked Two-Face.
"All right, maybe I did!" snapped Joker. "I have more important things on my mind than some dumb holiday! Anyway, I can still fix this – Harley's expecting me at a fancy restaurant tonight for a scheme anyway. I'll just tell her the scheme was dinner with her, and placate her with sex later, and she won't even know I forgot…"
At that moment, the plant roots, which were still rampaging through the city, suddenly knocked over the building under which Joker and Two-Face were standing. They just had time to look up, and for Joker to repeat, "Aw, nuts," when the building fell onto them, trapping them under the debris.
Joker coughed, trying to see anything through the dust. "Harv?" he called. "You ok?"
"I'm ok!" called Two-Face. As the dust settled, they saw that the debris had fallen around them, trapping them under the building. "Do you see any way out?" asked Two-Face, as Joker began feeling around the walls.
"Maybe," he said, trying to shift a steel beam. He quickly stopped when this caused the metal above them to shake, threatening to bring the rest of the building down on top of them. "Nope, bad idea," he said, sliding away from the wall. "Looks like we're trapped here."
"Trapped?" repeated Two-Face. "You mean we're gonna die?"
"Eventually," said Joker, nodding. "When the air is used up, probably after several unpleasant hours of suffocation."
Two-Face stared at him, and Joker burst into laughter. "I'm just messing with ya!" he chuckled, settling down against the debris. "Of course we're not gonna die! This is Gotham, and Batsy is gonna be here any minute to haul us outta here and back to Arkham! He always knows when folks are in danger, it's like a sixth sense with him. And the best part is, I can tell Harley that I did have Valentine's Day plans, but her stupid plant pal ruined them by dropping a building on us! That way it's not my fault that I forgot, it's Pammie's! Remind me to send her a thank you present, like a bag of weed killer."
"Well, I hope Batman hurries up," muttered Two-Face, drawing his knees up to his chest. "I don't like small, confined spaces."
"Oooh, are you gonna have a panic attack?" asked Joker, eagerly. "Can I film it?" he asked, reaching for his phone.
"No!" snapped Two-Face, but then he noticed Joker's face. "What is it?" he asked.
"I don't have my phone," said Joker, feeling his pockets. "Must have left it in the hideout. Do you have your phone, Harvey? Calling for help might be a good idea on the minuscule off-chance that Batsy doesn't show up."
"Yeah," said Two-Face, reaching into his pocket. "No signal here, though. This building must've been made from some heavy duty stuff, probably to make it Batman-destruction-resistant."
"But it's obviously no match for your crazy girlfriend's plant posse," muttered Joker.
"She's not my girlfriend!" snapped Two-Face. "She made that very clear! Which is why I don't know why she's acting like this! I respected her wishes about us not being in a relationship – if she wanted me to do something for Valentine's Day, she should have just told me!"
"Oh, women never tell you things!" snapped Joker. "They expect you all to be mind-readers! Plain speaking isn't something women do – they're taught from an early age to talk in riddles! That's why Eddie Nygma's basically a girl…"
"I just don't know what she wants from me!" exclaimed Two-Face. "At least with your relationship it's simple – Harley just wants you to pay attention to her!"
"Oh, is that all you think she wants?" demanded Joker. "Then you don't know her at all! She's a greedy little brat who's never satisfied with anything I do, and wants all my attention 100% of the time! She wants my every waking moment to be spent demonstrating and declaring my love for her! At least with your thing with Pammie, you can have a life of your own!"
"Well, I used to, but it looks like that life is over unless we get outta here!" snapped Two-Face.
"I told you, Batman is coming!" snapped Joker.
"Maybe he is, or maybe he has plans on Valentine's Day!" snapped Two-Face.
Joker nodded. "He does – he has plans with the back-alley cat. But obviously the lives of his two greatest enemies are much more important than a romantic day with her."
"You don't know people at all, do you?" demanded Two-Face.
"You don't know Batman at all," retorted Joker. "We are the most meaningful relationships he has, much more important than any superficial romance with a woman who could kindly be described as having been around the track a few times."
"Well, I hope you're right," retorted Two-Face, removing his coin from his pocket. "Heads, he's coming, tails, he's not," he said, flipping it up into the air.
It fell to the ground. "Tails," muttered Two-Face, glaring at it.
"Flip it again," snapped Joker.
Two-Face obeyed. "Heads." He looked at the coin. "We'll do best outta twenty. No, best outta fifty," he said, flipping it again.
Joker sighed, leaning back and shutting his eyes and hoping Batman would hurry up before Two-Face got to a hundred.