"I'm not getting in that," announced Harley Quinn the next day, as she, Selina, Ivy, and Wonder Woman stood in front of Wonder Woman's invisible jet, only visible at the moment because of fuel pipes hooked up to it, and people hosing it down.
"I can assure you, it's perfectly safe," retorted Wonder Woman.
"But why can't we just take a normal plane on vacation?" asked Harley.
"Because normal planes don't go to…where we're going," said Ivy. "This secret, surprise place we're taking you on vacation to doesn't…have regular tourism."
"Why not? Is it a warzone?" asked Harley. "Because that sounds like the kinda vacation Mr. J would take me on…"
She teared up again. "He…he woulda loved going someplace where there was a lotta shooting and bombing and killing, and we could die any second…that would have really got him in the mood…"
"Harley, c'mon, don't cry," said Ivy. "And don't think about the clown. I guarantee, once we get to this place, you'll forget all about him. It's not a warzone – it's the exact opposite of that. A peaceful, serene, beautiful paradise."
"Yeah? How come it don't have regular tourism, then?" asked Harley.
"It's one of those secret vacation destinations that people keep hush hush so there's no crowd of tourists," invented Selina. "Like…Superman's Fortress of Solitude."
"I thought that was secret because it's in the Arctic, and no one but Mr. Freeze would willingly go there," said Harley. "Plus who actually likes Superman?"
"He's nice," said Wonder Woman.
"He's nice-looking, for sure, but I don't think he has a brain in his pretty little head," said Ivy. "Not that that's ever been a turn off for me before…"
"You're swearing off men forever, remember, Ivy?" asked Selina.
"Oh yeah…yeah," agreed Ivy. "The definition of Superman is Super Disappointment, am I right, ladies?"
"Superman's a good guy," said Wonder Woman. "There are some out there…"
"No, there are not, and that's why we're swearing off them forever," said Selina. "Even supposed good guys like Batman are a colossal disappointment. He didn't even call last night to apologize to me, can you believe that?"
"Yeah, he's actually on Mars," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "And there's no phone reception there. I figured if we needed him not to check on the situation at Arkham, we needed him off-planet, so Martian Manhunter found a task on his home planet that only Batman could complete."
"Why couldn't Martian Manhunter handle it?" asked Selina. "What special powers does Batman have that would make him useful on Mars?"
Wonder Woman looked uncomfortable. "We sometimes just tell Batman that he's the only one who can handle things to make him feel better – the truth is, he's not really an essential member of the team. But he does try so hard to be useful that we sometimes just give him projects as a reward for his effort. He's a dedicated individual."
"Not to me, he isn't," muttered Selina. "He should probably stay on Mars – that's where men come from, and that's where they should all go back to, right, ladies?"
"Amen to that," said Ivy, picking up her bag. "So are we getting on this invisible jet or what? And how do we do that – are the stairs visible?"
"Just follow my lead," said Wonder Woman.
"I don't like this," said Harley, as the women all piled into the jet. "Maybe we should cancel this vacation and go somewhere where you don't have to fly, like Niagara Falls or something. I've always wanted to go there…"
"Trust me, Harley, this is much better than Niagara Falls," said Ivy.
"Does it have a waterfall?" asked Harley.
"Yes, quite a few," said Wonder Woman, nodding.
"Can you go over them in a barrel?" asked Harley.
"…I'm not sure why you'd want to, but I'm sure that could be arranged, if you were so inclined," said Wonder Woman.
"You think it would be fun to go over a waterfall in a barrel, but you object to flying in an invisible jet?" demanded Selina.
"Well, yeah – I can see the barrel," retorted Harley.
The other three women all shared a look, and then Wonder Woman lowered the hatch on the cockpit (or at least, they thought she did, but they couldn't see the hatch.) "Hang on," she said, reaching for the controls and piloting the jet off the ground.
"How long a flight is it?" asked Ivy. "Do we have time for in-flight drinks? Because I brought stuff to make cocktails with…"
"My jet is outfitted with engines that far surpass those of commercial airlines," said Wonder Woman. "We should be there in under half an hour."
"That's enough time for drinks," said Ivy, unpacking her bag.
"Gee, Red, did you actually bring any clothes?" asked Harley, as she saw how many cocktail ingredients came out of her bag.
"Well, sure, but not many," said Ivy. "No need to impress anyone where we're going, after all, and a lot of my clothes don't take up much space in my bag, or on me, for that matter."
"But aren't you afraid the guys there will get the wrong idea?" asked Harley.
Ivy laughed. "No, I'm really not, Harley," she said, handing her a drink.
"Should we tell her now?" asked Selina, eagerly.
"Tell me…what?" asked Harley, confused.
Ivy beamed. "Harley, the place where we're going is an island called Themyscira, where Wonder Woman is from. And on this island…there are no men."
Harley stared at her. "What…no men at all?" she asked.
"Not a one," sighed Selina, as Ivy handed her a glass. "Doesn't it sound like Paradise Island?"
Harley's brow furrowed in confusion. "So…how does the island maintain a population?"
"Its residents are immortal," replied Wonder Woman. "There is no need for procreation."
"So there are no kids anywhere either?" asked Harley.
"Just gets better and better, doesn't it?" sighed Ivy.
"And I mean, how do they…I mean…how do you…when you get…y'know," stammered Harley. She lowered her voice. "When you want...sex?" she whispered.
"Well, men are not essential for that!" laughed Wonder Woman. "Physical satisfaction can be administered personally, or by another woman. Men are only necessary for procreation, not pleasure."
"I guess…if you're into that," said Harley, slowly. "Kinda sounds more like a paradise for men than women, though…"
"Look, I'm not particularly into it either, Harley, but surely giving up sex is a small price to pay for not being annoyed by men for the rest of your life," said Ivy.
"I dunno – I kinda think sex with men kinda makes up for their annoyances most of the time," said Harley. "At least, sex with Mr. J does. And I was kinda hoping that after a few days apart, I'd bust him outta Arkham, shout at him and slap him around some, he'd reciprocate, and we'd end with hot and angry makeup sex, which is the best kind…"
"But that's the best part of all of this, Harley," said Selina. "You'll never have to deal with that useless clown ever again."
"We were all there last night – we all saw how he couldn't even tell you he loved you, after all your years together," said Ivy. "Surely you can't still be in love with the selfish creep?"
Harley shrugged. "I dunno. He's an annoying jerk, but…the more I think about the makeup sex, the less he annoys me…"
"For God's sake, Harley, this is your problem!" snapped Ivy. "You're willing to sacrifice everything, your self-respect and self-esteem, just for a roll in the hay with that creep! Don't you understand how pathetic that is, that you'll let him treat you however he wants as long as he keeps giving you sex?"
"Well, you wouldn't think it was pathetic if you knew how good he is at it…" began Harley.
"God, I really never wanna hear about that," interrupted Selina.
"I'm just saying, there are more important things in a relationship, and in life, than sex," said Ivy. "None of which the clown ever gives you. When we get to Themyscira, you'll see all kinds of women who live their entire lives without men, and you'll see how strong and capable they are, full of self-respect and self-fulfillment. That's what a woman should be, first and foremost. The first step to a healthy relationship is forming a healthy relationship with yourself. You need to learn how to practice self-love."
"Yeah, I'm clearly gonna need to with no men around," snapped Harley. "Didn't even pack any toys…"
"I didn't mean self-love in that way," interrupted Ivy. "I meant the ability to love yourself, as a person, and to realize how you truly deserve to be treated. As someone who commands respect from everyone around her, including the men in her life."
"You think…spending some time on this island will make Mr. J learn to respect me?" asked Harley.
"Maybe," said Ivy, shrugging. "And if it doesn't, you're better off without him."
Harley nodded slowly. "It's worth a shot, I guess," she said. "Though I'm missing Mr. J already, and I don't just mean physically. Do you think he's missing me too?"
"No," said all three women simultaneously.
Harley sighed, looking out the window at the open water below. "Well, I bet he is," she muttered. "So there."