The Joker was, at that moment, shooting rubber bands into the neighboring cell at Arkham Asylum, and wondering how long it would take for Harley to bust him out of here. She usually didn't stay mad at him long, and it had been twenty-four hours, he thought, glancing irritably at his watch.
She couldn't be putting it off much longer – she couldn't last very long without him. And if the Joker dared to admit it, he was eager to get the yelling part of their fight over with so they could get to the makeup sex. The Joker wasn't a man with a very active libido, but it had been awhile, and the memories of past makeup sex sessions with Harley made him very, very eager for them to arrive at that stage of their reconciliation.
"Where did you even get rubber bands in here?" demanded Two-Face from the neighboring cell, as he blocked one heading straight toward his eye.
"Stole 'em from reception when I arrived," replied Joker, shooting another one at him. "I wish I'd stolen some paperclips too, so I could shoot fun little paperclip arrows…"
"Just stop it!" roared Two-Face, slamming his fist against the bars which separated their cells.
"Oh, you're all tense for no reason too, huh?" demanded Joker. "Just like Batman! And I bet your reasons for it are the same – you should have just stopped by the Weed Lady's house yesterday and watered her garden! Then neither of us would be in this mess! It's completely your fault!"
"This is not my fault!" snapped Two-Face. "It's her fault, for being completely unreasonable, just like all women are!"
"Well, you're right about that," agreed Joker. "Like Harley putting me on the spot last night – what is with her? And now she's making me wait for my jailbreak just to punish me for not saying some stupid, meaningless little words to her…"
"Like 'I love you'?" asked Two-Face. "Probably the three most meaningful words in the English language?"
"Don't be ridiculous – those are 'I've killed Batman,'" retorted Joker.
"Harley probably disagrees," said Two-Face. "If I were her, I'd leave you here to rot."
"Well, you're not her," snapped Joker. "And a good thing too, because I'd dump you if you were. I can do so much better than someone with half a face."
"I hate to break it to you, J, but most people think that of the two of you, Harley is the one who can do a lot better," said Two-Face.
"That's crazy talk!" snapped Joker. "She's a completely useless, yammering, clumsy, incompetent, annoying dumb blonde! While I'm the most handsome, most funny, and most intelligent criminal genius to ever live! There's simply no contest!"
"Yo, Hatty, outta J and Harley, who's better?" shouted Two-Face down the cell block.
"Harley," replied the Mad Hatter, not looking up from his tea set. "She's a lovely child."
"Crane, same question!" shouted Two-Face.
"Harley, without question," retorted Jonathan Crane, not looking up from his book. "She is utter perfection."
"Riddler, Harley or J, who's better?" asked Two-Face.
"No riddle there – Harley, of course," retorted Riddler.
"Well, of course the nerds don't have any taste…" began Joker.
"Croc, you like Harley or J better?" asked Two-Face.
"Harley," replied Killer Croc. "She's nice and saves her chicken bones for me."
"Scarface, Harley or J?" asked Two-Face.
"The dummy and me both kinda prefer Harley," replied Scarface. "No offense, J, but she's hotter."
"Clayface, what do you think?" asked Two-Face.
"Oh, Harley, for being an excellent audience," said Clayface, nodding. "She's very sweet and never critical of my performances."
"Freeze, J or Harley, which do you prefer?" asked Two-Face.
"I do not care," retorted Mr. Freeze. "I am indifferent to all of humanity."
"There, y'see, that's basically one for me…" began Joker.
"But if I were not, I would obviously prefer Harley," finished Freeze.
Joker glared around at them. "Well, you're all a bunch of losers!" he shouted. "Which is probably why you all prefer Harley, because you can relate to her! You're just intimidated by how amazing I am, and that frightens you, so you prefer the one who doesn't inspire you with feelings of dread and awe!"
"Yeah, that must be it," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes.
"What's all this shouting?" demanded Batman, striding into the cell block. "You people better not be plotting a breakout!"
"Too late, Bats – Harley's gonna stage one any second," retorted Joker.
"You really are delusional, aren't you?" asked Batman.
"If I were a man dressed in a bat costume who thinks he looks cool, I would watch who I call delusional," retorted Joker.
Batman ignored him, looking around. "Where's Ivy?" he asked. "She was meant to turn herself in last night. Wonder Woman was meant to see to it."
"Well, you can't trust women to do what they say," said Joker, shrugging.
"Aren't you the one trusting Harley to stage a breakout?" asked Two-Face.
"Yeah, because she didn't say she would," said Joker, sticking out his tongue.
"Hi, Batman, the receptionist said you were here," said Dr. Leland, entering the cell block at that moment. "I do hope there's not a problem…"
"Maybe there is – did Ivy turn herself in last night?" demanded Batman.
"No, I haven't seen her," said Dr. Leland, shaking her head. "And there's no record of her being brought in," she said, checking her notes.
Batman sighed heavily. "Always something," he muttered, pulling out his phone. "I'll see if Selina knows where she is…"
He frowned as he waited on the phone. "She's probably not answering because she's still mad about that date," he muttered, dialing another number. "Maybe Wonder Woman will know…"
His frown deepened. "She's not answering either. Oh God, something must have happened…Ivy must have got the better of her somehow…I knew I should have stayed with them until she was safely locked up in here!"
"There's Captain Controlfreak again," sighed Joker. "Though if the Plant Lady's still on the loose, that could explain why Harley hasn't busted me out yet – Pammie's probably keeping her away from me against her will."
"I'm heading back to Ivy's to search for clues," said Batman, heading toward the door.
"Can I come?" asked Joker.
"No, of course you can't come!" snapped Batman.
"Please?" asked Joker. "I'll be your best friend, not that I'm not already. I'm just so bored in here, and you can only entertain yourself by shooting rubber bands at Harvey for so long…"
"You are not coming with me, Joker - you're going to stay locked up in here where you belong!" snapped Batman.
Joker sighed heavily. "Ok. On your head be it, Bats."
"On my head be what?" demanded Batman.
Joker shrugged. "If I'm stuck in here when I don't wanna be, I'm gonna devote all my time, attention, and energy into breaking out. And you know when I put my mind to something, I accomplish it, because I'm incredibly resourceful. And just think how many innocent guards, doctors, and orderlies are gonna die from my latest escape/killing spree? I hear we got a new nurse just starting fresh outta college, Beth, single mom with a new baby. What are you gonna tell the baby when his mommy doesn't come home?"
"How do you know about Beth?" demanded Dr. Leland.
"I know everything about everyone," retorted Joker. "That's part of my mystique. Also, you shouldn't put these things in the Arkham Employee newsletters if you don't want people to know them."
"Joker, you are staying right here!" snapped Batman. "I am not going to let you out just because you threaten to hurt innocent people! I might as well not lock you up in Arkham at all!"
"Well, it does seem like kinda a useless gesture," said Joker, shrugging again. "You know I'm only gonna break out again, and kill a lotta innocent people on my way out. The best way for you to ensure I don't hurt anyone is either to kill me, which you'll never do, or keep me with you, so you can keep an eye on me at all times. It's what I want, and it's what you need to keep people safe, so really it's the best option for everyone!"
"I don't have time to babysit you!" snapped Batman.
"So hire a sitter," said Joker. "Take Harvey with us."
"Actually, I'm good where I am," said Two-Face. "You couldn't pay me to babysit J."
"Why don't you flip the coin, Harvey?" asked Joker.
Two-Face obeyed – it landed bad side up. "Or I guess I can," muttered Two-Face. "Whatever - I don't have strong opinions about it either way…"
"No, I am not doing this!" snapped Batman. "This is insane, and I'm wasting time when Wonder Woman could be in danger…"
"Ok, better pick up some sympathy cards for whatever's left of Beth's family, Doc," sighed Joker, turning to Dr. Leland. He pulled a baby picture out of his pocket. "And say bye bye to your Mommy, kid," he said, holding it out to Batman. "Bye bye, Mommy, I barely knew you…" he cooed in a baby voice.
"All right, come on!" shouted Batman, unlocking the door. "And you too, Harvey! I am not taking care of him on my own!"
"Seriously, where did you get a picture of Beth's baby?" demanded Dr. Leland, as Joker followed a reluctant Batman and Two-Face out of the cell block, whistling happily. "That wasn't in the newsletter!"
"A magician never reveals his secrets, Doc – that would ruin my mystique," replied Joker. "But if you really wanna know, it's actually just a generic baby photo from Google Images - I always keep one on me to blackmail the gullible, like Batsy. All babies look pretty much alike, y'know."
"You're right – that does kinda ruin your mystique," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding.
"You say that, but you'll never figure out how I rigged the sprinkler system to go off just as I'm leaving," replied Joker. "See ya around, Doc!"
He shut the door, and all the sprinklers in the asylum suddenly turned on. As the inmates all cried out in annoyance, and Clayface exclaimed, "I'm melting, melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!", Dr. Leland glared after Joker.
"I hate to admit it," she muttered, gradually getting more soaked. "But damn, he's good."