"There it is – Themyscira," said Wonder Woman, nodding out the window of the invisible jet. "Paradise Island."
"It doesn't look like much – it doesn't look like you even have a place to land this thing," commented Harley.
"It takes some skill," agreed Wonder Woman. "So hang on, everyone. It's going to be a tight landing if we want to miss the trees."
"You crash this into trees, and I'll kill you," snapped Ivy.
"Noted," sighed Wonder Woman, beginning their descent. The jet managed to clear the trees, and landed on a clear strip of land on top of a cliff overlooking the city below.
"Again, doesn't look like much," commented Harley. "Doesn't look like you've advanced much since Ancient Greece. Does that mean that the only reason we have modern civilization is because of men?"
"No," snapped Wonder Woman. "We are perhaps not as technologically advanced as the modern world, but we are advanced in other ways. In understanding and compassion and tolerance and empathy and harmony. There are no wars here, no death, and no hatred."
"Sounds kinda boring," muttered Harley.
"That does not mean, however, that we do not prepare for war, should such a thing ever be necessary," continued Wonder Woman, as they followed her towards the city. "The Amazons are some of the fiercest and most skilled warriors in the world. We spend a large portion of our time training for battle, and honing our skills. In this way, we satisfy the human need for violence, but in a friendly, non-lethal way."
"Mr. J would say violence is only fun if it's lethal, or at least permanently damaging," said Harley.
"Well, the clown's not here, Harley, and I don't want to hear his name again," snapped Ivy.
"Yeah, this is meant to be paradise, which means no mention of the Joker whatsoever," agreed Selina.
"Halt! Who goes there?" asked a guard, as they approached the gates of the city.
"It is I, Diana," said Wonder Woman, smiling at her.
"Diana! Your mother will be so pleased to see you!" said the guard, embracing her. "Allow me to escort you home, your highness."
"Your highness?" repeated Harley.
"My mother is Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons," replied Wonder Woman. "Which I suppose makes me Princess Diana."
"Oh, like the candle in the wind?" asked Harley. "I thought she was dead. It would be really awkward if she ain't, after Elton John wrote that brand new song for her funeral and all."
"Uh…no relation," replied Wonder Woman, slowly. "Just follow me."
They headed through the vast, bustling city towards the palace which rested at the top of the hill. "Just think, this was all built by women," said Ivy proudly, as they entered the monumental structure.
"Immortal women with the strength of gods," reminded Harley.
"But women nonetheless," snapped Ivy. "It just shows when we put our minds to something, we can accomplish anything."
"The art is really something," agreed Selina, looking around.
"This is our history," said Wonder Woman, gesturing around at the frescoes. "It shows the Amazons' role in the war of the Olympians."
"Hey, whaddya know, he does look a lot like Maxie Zeus," commented Harley, pointing at a painting of Zeus. "Maybe he's his reincarnation after all. Of course I'll tell him he looks nothing like him when I next see him, because it'll be funnier to crush his dreams."
"You cannot reveal the secrets of the Amazons, Harley," said Wonder Woman. "You are privileged to even be here, and you cannot speak of what you have seen should you return to the mortal realm."
"What do you mean 'should you return to the mortal realm'?" asked Harley. "We are going back, right?"
Ivy and Selina shared a look. "We…uh…weren't planning on it, Harley," said Ivy, slowly.
Harley stared at her in horror. "No, no, no, we have to go back!" she exclaimed. "I gotta make up with Mr. J! I can't leave him forever – what would he do without me?!"
"He'd have to find a new punching bag and domestic slave!" snapped Ivy. "Now come on, Harley – we've just arrived and it's all strange and new to you, but you might learn to like it. Wonder Woman says all the women here have no desire to leave, because this place is paradise."
"No place without Mr. J is paradise!" cried Harley.
"Actually, I think you'll find that's the definition of paradise!" snapped Ivy.
Harley looked desperately at Wonder Woman. "What if…what if Mr. J wanted to visit, just for an hour or two?" she asked. "That'd be fine, right?"
"I'm afraid not," said Wonder Woman, shaking her head. "It is Aphrodite's Law: under penalty of death, no Man may set foot on Themyscira."
"You call this place a paradise when it has discriminatory laws like that?" demanded Harley. "That's just plain sexism! I don't wanna live in a place where people are put to death just for being born male! Boy, this island sure seems great at first, but scratch even a little below the surface and it's like the beginning of some creepy horror movie…"
"Diana, so good to see you, my child!" exclaimed a woman, regally dressed, who left the throne room at that moment.
"Hello, Mother," said Wonder Woman, embracing her. "Please allow me to introduce Selina Kyle, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn."
"Welcome, sisters," said Hippolyta, embracing them each in turn. "We are always pleased to have guests..."
"As long as they ain't men, though, right?" demanded Harley. "Because then you'll straight up murder them! I'm sorry, this law doesn't make anyone else uncomfortable but me?!"
"Harley has recently gone through…a bad breakup," said Ivy. "You have to excuse her, your majesty. She's still in that denial stage where she thinks all men aren't horrible. We thought the best thing for her would be to take her here, so she can see how strong and capable women can be without men."
"Indeed, I have always been baffled by the stories Diana tells me about female reliance on men in your world," said Hippolyta, nodding. "I suppose they are not brought up as we are, to be self-reliant and independent, and rather see themselves as subservient and dependent. It is a shame your society encourages that view, but never fear, my child," she said, smiling at Harley. "We shall cure you of your delusions on that point."
"I don't need to be cured," snapped Harley. "And saying things like that just reinforces the idea of this whole thing being like a creepy cult…"
"Harley, can you please not ruin it for all of us by disrespecting the queen of this place?" demanded Selina. "We do apologize for her, your majesty."
"There is no need – she is merely misguided," replied Hippolyta. "We do not punish errors here – we just seek to gently correct them, with patience and compassion and understanding. I am sure a few days in Themyscira will change her mind. Please do allow me to offer you accommodation in the palace for as long as you desire to remain here. Any friends of Diana are friends of mine."
"Thank you, your majesty," said Ivy. "That's very kind…"
"Of course, my sister," said Hippolyta, embracing her again. "We shall throw a celebration in honor of your arrival, a full day of feasts and games, to welcome you home. What do you say, Diana?" she asked, turning to her daughter. "The four of you against my four best warriors?"
"I think your warriors should prepare for defeat, Mother," said Wonder Woman, smiling.
"We shall see," replied Hippolyta. "I expect you on the field in one hour. See you there, my sisters," she said, embracing the women again and heading off.
"She seems nice," said Ivy.
"Yeah, seems it," agreed Harley. "Until she suspects you of being a man and tries to murder you in cold blood."
"Why would she suspect any of us of being a man?" asked Selina, puzzled.
"Because she's clearly paranoid – why else would they have such an outrageously harsh punishment for men coming here?" demanded Harley.
"Because this is meant to be a sanctuary, Harley," said Wonder Woman. "Where women can relax and be free to be themselves, without fear of violence or repercussion from men. It's a refuge from the ultra-competitive world of male dominance."
"So what's this game we're playing?" asked Selina.
"Oh, it's a fighting game called Last Woman Standing," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "The four of us will be battling against four of my mother's best warriors, and whichever team has the last player standing is the winner. Of course we do not encourage any kind of lethal or hugely debilitating violence, but we do have to ensure the other players cannot continue the fight by any means necessary. But don't worry – I'm reigning champion here, so we're probably going to win."
She clapped Selina on the shoulder and headed off. "Well, that oughta shatter the stereotype that women are nothing but meek little wallflowers," said Ivy. "This is perfect, Harley! You can finally see how badass women can be on their own!"
"I know women can be badass, Red," replied Harley. "I didn't need to come to this sexist island to discover that."
"Well, maybe it'll rub off on you this time," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, any place is good as long as you're free from the clown's influence. And not even he would dare set foot on this island."
"Actually, I kinda hope he does," said Selina. "Because then they'd kill him, and wouldn't that be fun to watch? The Joker murdered by a bunch of Amazons – that would be fantastic. And fair, after the way he's treated you all these years, Harley."
"Yeah, I might fantasize about that the next time I need a little self-love," agreed Ivy, nodding.
"You're both horrible," snapped Harley. "Anyway, that's not gonna happen, because Mr. J doesn't know where I've gone, and I'm gonna keep it that way. I don't want him risking his life to rescue me, which he would if he knew I was trapped on this island. I just thank God he doesn't know."