"So what are we looking for?" asked Joker, as he watched Batman crouching down on the floor of Ivy's apartment to examine a plant.
"Clues," snapped Batman, straightening up. "Like this one – Ivy's over-watered her plants, so wherever she is, she's planning on being there for some time."
"You think she kidnapped Wonder Woman, and took her someplace far away with Selina and Harley to kill her?" asked Two-Face. "That doesn't really sound like Pammie, to be honest. She'd rather kill people at home, and then feed them to her plants. She's a caring woman like that."
"There are no signs of a struggle," commented Batman, looking around. "And nobody could kidnap Wonder Woman without a struggle. So that means she must have gone with them voluntarily."
He frowned. "Let me just make a quick phone call," he said, pulling out his phone and dialing a number.
"Hello, Batman," said a familiar voice on the other end.
"Hi, Superman, I'm just wondering if…" began Batman.
"Hi, Supey, how's tricks?" asked Joker, snatching the phone away from him suddenly. "Have you seen Lexy lately? I saw a commercial on TV for a product that can regrow your hair, and I was wondering if you could mention it to him – I know he must suffer daily feeling like a freak of nature. Well, look who I'm talking to…"
Batman snatched the phone back, glaring at Joker. "Sorry, Superman, that was…yeah, I will handcuff him. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, you don't need to tell me how to do my job," he snapped. "Anyway, I called because I was wondering if you'd seen Wonder Woman since yesterday's plant attack…I thought you two might have had plans on Valentine's Day evening."
"Wait, they're a couple?" asked Joker, excitedly. "And didn't you and Wonder Woman used to be a couple? Oooh, talk about awkward…"
Batman clapped a hand over Joker's mouth. "Uh huh. I see. And she didn't mention…ok…oh my God, don't lick me, Joker!" he snapped, wrenching his hand off Joker's mouth. "That was…nothing, Superman," he said, hastily. "Thanks for the info – bye."
"So spill the beans – did Wonder Woman dump you for Superman?" asked Joker, as Batman hung up the phone. "Because that's gotta hurt…"
"Wonder Woman and I broke up several months ago – it was a mutual thing," muttered Batman. "Not that it's any of your business, but she's free to date whoever she likes. But Superman says they aren't together, and she didn't tell him anything except to say that she wouldn't be contactable for a few days as she was going home and wouldn't have phone reception."
"Where the heck does she live that doesn't have phone reception?" asked Joker, puzzled. "The planet Wonder?"
"That's also none of your business," said Batman. "But you're going back to Arkham now," he said, slapping handcuffs onto his wrist.
"Hey, what gives?" demanded Joker. "You can't take me back there – we haven't even found Harley yet!"
"I know where Harley, Ivy, and Selina all are," said Batman. "They've gone to Wonder Woman's home with her, and we can't follow them there."
"Why not?" asked Two-Face.
"Because we're not allowed there," retorted Batman.
"Is it Cuba?" asked Joker. "Because I thought Americans were allowed there now…"
"It's not because we're American!" snapped Batman. "It's because…we're men."
Joker stared at him. "You wanna run that by me again, Bats?" he asked.
"There's…this island where Wonder Woman is from, where men can't go," said Batman. "No men are allowed on the island of the Amazons, under pain of death."
"Well, I'm pretty sure that's called gender discrimination," snapped Joker. "And it's illegal. Isn't it, Harvey?"
"In this country, yes," said Two-Face, nodding. "But in other countries…"
"Who cares about other countries? This is America!" snapped Joker. "The greatest country in the world, and our laws are the best in the world!"
"If you think that, then why are you always breaking them?" asked Batman.
"Well, I still don't like people telling me what to do, not even the best people," said Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, it's criminal to be discriminated against just because you're a man! How is that fair in any way? I thought you were the one obsessed with justice, Bats! Well, this is completely unjust!"
"It's not my problem," retorted Batman. "I'm trying to bring justice to Gotham, not Themyscira."
"Now that's not a very heroic attitude," said Joker, shaking his head. "You mean to tell me if you're on vacation somewhere, and you see a robbery in progress, you ain't gonna interfere? Of course you are, because you're Batman, and sticking your nose into other people's business is what you do, no matter where in the world they are. Why aren't you chomping at the bit to right this wrong, and redress this injustice?"
"Like I said, it's really none of my business if a bunch of women want to live on an island without men," replied Batman. "I think the least we can do is respect their wishes…"
"Well, what if I wanted to live on an island without women?" demanded Joker. "Would you respect my wishes?"
"I would respect your wishes to live anywhere else but Gotham," said Batman, nodding. "Because then you'd also be somebody else's problem."
"And what if it was an island that discriminated in other ways?" demanded Joker. "What if you weren't allowed on it because of your race, or religion, or sexual preference? Would you be comfortable with that kinda segregation, Bat-Hitler?"
"No, not comfortable, but I still wouldn't go there," retorted Batman.
Joker glared at him. "Oh, I get it," he said. "You're scared of these women."
"I am not!" snapped Batman.
"Yes, you are," said Joker, nodding. "You're scared of a bunch of girls because they've said no boys allowed in their clubhouse. And you're afraid they'll beat you up if you try to get in."
"These aren't girls we're talking about, Joker – these are Amazons," retorted Batman. "They're the most skilled warriors in the world…"
"Are they or are they not women?" interrupted Joker.
"Yes, they are…" began Batman.
"Then I can take 'em," said Joker, nodding.
"You wanna bet?" demanded Batman. "Because I'd be happy to take you there and watch them kill you!"
"Well, then you wouldn't win the bet, because I couldn't pay you if I'm dead," retorted Joker. "Plus you'd never watch anyone kill me – you couldn't resist swooping in at the last moment and saving me like the hero you are."
"He's right," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "Now both of you, stop this. If the ladies want a little time away from us and all men, then that's fair…"
"But what if that's not what they want?" interrupted Joker. "What if this is one of those crafty games women like to play? What if they've gone to this forbidden island, and they want us to follow them? To prove that we care enough to risk our lives chasing after them."
"That doesn't make a lot of sense…" began Two-Face.
"Duh! Because they're women!" snapped Joker. "They're all crazy! And I know Harley thinks the most romantic thing anyone can do is die for someone – she's always talking about how she'd sacrifice herself for me. Well, the joke's on her, because I'm not willing to risk my life for her. Fortunately I won't be risking my life by going to an island with a buncha dames, so I'll go anyway and drag her back here. Not because I wanna sacrifice myself for her, just because she needs to be punished for slapping me. She needs to be punished real hard for being such a naughty girl…"
He trailed off, lost in a fantasy with a faraway look in his eyes for a moment, and then snapped back to reality suddenly. "All right, I'm getting her back," he said. "No buncha broads is keeping me from my broad. Who's coming with me?"
"You don't even know where this island is," said Batman.
"And you think I can't find it, is that it?" asked Joker. "You should know better than to underestimate my determination, Bats, and my networking abilities. You think none of my numerous contacts could tell me where it is? Not even Wonder Woman's longtime rival, Cheetah, who happens to be in the Injustice League with me? Harvey, you had a thing with her, didn't you?"
"Not a thing, exactly," said Two-Face. "Just a couple of one-night stands..."
"Well, you have her number anyway, so we'll just give her a call and ask her where this island is," said Joker. "I'm sure she'd be willing to tell good old Harvey."
"Even if you did find it, you'd be killed the instant you get there…" continued Batman.
"Unless I had a Bat-protector to save me," finished Joker, nodding. "So you wanna come, Bats?"
"No!" snapped Batman. "Not under any circumstances!"
"All right, what about you, Harv?" asked Joker, turning to Two-Face. "What does the coin say?"
Two-Face sighed and flipped his coin – it landed bad side up again. "No," he muttered, flipping it again. "No, no, no, I'm not doing it, I don't care what you say…"
After landing bad side up three times in a row, Two-Face let out a heavy sigh. "I guess I am," he muttered.
"Atta boy!" said Joker, slapping him on the back. "And it's too bad you won't join us, Bats, because if those Amazons won't give up Harley without a fight, I'm gonna have to kill a bunch of 'em. Maybe even your ex-girlfriend, or your current girlfriend, depending on how cooperative the kitty is. Say, do you think with no men around, the Wonderbra Woman and the pussy might start to experiment…"
"All right, I'm coming with you, but I'm knocking you unconscious for the flight," interrupted Batman.
"That's so he doesn't get a Bat-boner thinking about that," said Joker, nodding. "Hey, do you guys wanna hear about Batman's Greatest Boner? This was back in the day when boner meant a gaffe or mistake, so it's not as filthy as it sounds, but you should definitely Google it…"
"Batman, you know this is a terrible idea," said Two-Face, as he and Batman walked ahead, ignoring Joker's constant babbling. "Why are you going along with it?"
"Because unfortunately, the Joker is my responsibility," growled Batman. "And if he goes and causes trouble in Themyscira, I'll be the one who gets it from Wonder Woman. I'll also feel responsible for any deaths he might cause, which knowing him will be a lot, even against Amazons. At least this way I can keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."
"And if the Amazons try and kill us for setting foot on their forbidden island?" asked Two-Face.
"I'm sure that's just an old, archaic law that nobody really takes seriously anymore," replied Batman. "I mean, Joker's right about that if nothing else – segregation is a silly relic of the past, and should stay that way. Nobody in the modern world believes that men and women should be separated completely. Plus Wonder Woman's a reasonable person, and a member of the Justice League, who doesn't believe in killing unless absolutely necessary. I'm sure she'll intervene on our behalf should anything unpleasant occur."
"I dunno – you say your breakup was a mutual thing, but who actually did the dumping?" asked Two-Face.
"Well, I broached the subject…" began Batman.
"See, Pammie's dream would be a place where she could legally kill all the guys who dumped her," said Two-Face. "I know she doesn't speak for all women, but if Wonder Woman's anything like her, this might be sorta a dream come true - killing her ex and two violent criminals who have been a thorn in her side for God knows how long."
"That's not going to happen," said Batman, firmly. "Men or women, I truly believe we're all ultimately rational enough to get along."
Two-Face nodded slowly in agreement, but he privately thought that with views like that, Batman really belonged in Arkham after all.