"So this is like dodge-ball, but with deadly weapons?" asked Harley Quinn, surveying the playing field in front of them. "Because if so, it'd be kinda a fun game to play with Mr. J sometime."
"Yes, it's essentially that," agreed Wonder Woman, nodding. "So what are your weapons of choice?"
"You got a giant mallet?" asked Harley. "Or a pop-gun?"
"We don't have guns here," said Wonder Woman.
"How about a baseball bat?" asked Harley.
"Uh…you can use this club," said Wonder Woman, handing it to her. "That's similar, I guess. What about the rest of you ladies?"
"I use whips," said Selina.
"And I suppose since it would be cheating to use my plants, I use crossbows," said Ivy.
"Ok, I guess I'm the only one going with the more traditional sword and shield," said Wonder Woman, shrugging. "That's fair enough," she said, as she handed the other two their weapons. "It's not about the weapons, after all – it's about the strategy, and outsmarting the other team."
"Where is the other team?" asked Selina, looking around.
"They're with my mother over there," said Wonder Woman, pointing.
Harley's jaw dropped. "Those are women?" she demanded. "They're as big as a house!"
"As I said, it's not size that counts, Harley – it's how we can use what we've got to our advantage," replied Wonder Woman.
"That's what men say too, but it's usually also about size," said Ivy, nodding. "Am I right, ladies?" she asked, raising her hand for a high-five.
"You spend a lot of time denigrating men, you know that?" asked Wonder Woman. "For a woman who supposedly wishes to live without them, a large percentage of your conversation is based around insulting them. If you truly want to live without men, you should ignore their existence entirely."
"Well, thanks for telling me how to live my life, Wonder Woman," snapped Ivy.
"She's right, Ivy – a lot of your conversations don't pass the Bechdel test," said Selina, nodding. "And you were saying just the other day how important you think that is in movies…"
"My life isn't a movie!" snapped Ivy. "And I'm allowed to blow off a little steam when the men in my life disappoint me, which is all the time! Anyway, I don't recall any of your conversations featuring much besides the Bat, Selina!"
"That's not true – sometimes we complain about Harley," said Selina, nodding at her.
"Mostly about her relationship with the Joker, another man," pointed out Ivy. "So don't you criticize me for letting the side down!"
"I'm not trying to be critical – I'm suggesting that you try to do better," said Wonder Woman. "From now on, let's not even mention men, ok?"
"Suits me," said Ivy, shrugging.
"No deal," muttered Harley. "No one's gonna stop me talking about my Mr. J if I wanna."
"That's true, even when we've begged her to shut up, she won't," agreed Selina, nodding.
"Ok, whatever, we'll talk about this later, but right now, we've got a game to win," said Wonder Woman. They strode onto the field to meet the other team, with Hippolyta standing between them.
"Ladies of Themyscira, please welcome our new arrivals, my daughter Diana, and her friends Selina Kyle, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn!" announced Hippolyta, to the cheers of the surrounding Amazons. "And to challenge them in Last Woman Standing, our reigning champions in the absence of my daughter, Hermione, Calliope, Helen, and Artemis!"
The Amazons cheered even louder, as the opposing team sized up their rivals, looking as smug as if they had won already. "Ladies, let's have a nice, clean game," said Hippolyta, heading toward her private box to watch the entertainment.
"So which one of you is the man-loving one?" asked Hermione, with a sneer.
"We all hate men!" snapped Ivy.
"I don't," said Harley. "I'm in love with a man called Mr. J. Sure, he's a selfish jerk who completely forgot to make Valentine's Day plans, but the thought of never seeing him again by staying on this island full of women forever has made me realize just how much I love and miss him, and how willingly I'd forgive him for anything. I mean, it is just a stupid holiday, after all…"
"No, it's not, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "It's a complete disregard for your feelings! Don't you understand the implication of him forgetting something like that?"
Harley shrugged. "Mr. J ain't one for implications – he's not a subtle guy. What this means is he forgot Valentine's Day, not that he doesn't love me. He's a busy guy with a lot on his mind, and you can't expect him to remember everything…"
"What did I say about talking about men?" demanded Wonder Woman. "Just stop it! We have to concentrate on the game if we want to win it!"
"You won't," snickered Artemis, with a smug grin. "You've been influenced by men too much, and you've lost all your girl power."
"We have not!" snapped Selina, readying her whip. "Let's show 'em, ladies!"
"Let the game begin!" shouted Hippolyta, and the two teams squared off. Artemis had a bow, Hermione a javelin, Helen a sword, and Calliope a spear, which they all instantly began attacking the opposing team with. Wonder Woman faced off against Artemis, while Ivy took Helen, and Selina battled Calliope, leaving Harley to face Hermione.
"Let's see if you can dance without a man, man-lover," she sneered, aiming her javelin and throwing it. Harley dodged out of the way, raising her club above her head.
"I don't need a man – I just choose to have Mr. J!" Harley snapped. "It's a choice I have, living in a place with a lotta men to choose from!"
She shrieked suddenly as an arrow flew over her head. "Hey, Wonders, take care of her, will ya?!" Harley shouted, as Wonder Woman engaged Artemis again. "Thought you were meant to be good at this game!"
"I am!" snapped Wonder Woman, leaping into the air with her sword.
"Wow, kinda weird how everything goes all slow-motion whenever she fights, huh?" asked Harley, watching her. "It's also gonna get kinda repetitive to watch…so I won't," she said, turning her attention back to her battle with Hermione.
Ivy was shooting arrows from her crossbow at Helen, who knocked them out of the way with her sword. Selina was the only one who seemed to have the upper hand, entangling her whip around Calliope's spear and pulling it out of her hands. She then snapped the whip around her neck, dragged her to the ground, and tied her hands behind her back with it. "One down!" Selina shouted, smiling.
Helen suddenly got a lucky hit, knocking Ivy's bow out of her hands. Ivy dived for it, just as Helen raised her sword to strike at her. "Red, look out!" shouted Harley, leaping forward and throwing herself into Helen. They both fell to the ground, while Ivy grabbed her crossbow and turned, aiming carefully.
"Two down!" Ivy exclaimed, as she shot her crossbow bolt into Helen's leg.
"Yeah, go us!" exclaimed Harley, straightening up and high-fiving Ivy. "Teamwork, that's the key!"
"Harley, down," said Ivy, suddenly.
"I will not calm down – we're winning two to nothing!" exclaimed Harley, beaming.
"No, get down!" shouted Ivy, shoving her to the ground. The javelin that Hermione had aimed at Harley sliced open Ivy's arm instead.
"Two to one," retorted Hermione, with another smug smile.
"Red, you ok?" asked Harley.
"I'm fine, but I'm done," said Ivy, gasping as she tried to stem the flow of blood from her wound. "I can't shoot with one arm – the only weapons I have now are my plants and my lipstick, both of which I think would be cheating," she added with a smile. "But you go get 'em, Harl."
Harley turned, angry now, to face off with Hermione. "You and me, Evil Harry Potter's Friend," she growled. "I'll teach you to hurt my best buddy!"
"I wasn't aiming for your buddy – I was aiming for you," retorted Hermione. "But I guess you've got the observational skills of a man too. Not to mention the intelligence..."
"Shut up!" snapped Harley, lashing out at her. "Wonder Woman said we weren't supposed to talk about men so we can pass the Bechamel test or something! She's your ruler, so don't disobey her!"
"She's been defeated by Artemis," commented Hermione. Harley turned to see Wonder Woman bound with her own lasso.
"Really?" demanded Harley, glaring at her. "I thought you were meant to be the reigning champion! Well, I guess it's just you and me, Selin…"
She trailed off as Artemis's arrow severed Selina's whip, and another arrow made contact with her foot, rendering her out of action.
"Guess it's just…me," stammered Harley, as the two remaining Amazons both advanced on her, priming their weapons.
Harley swung her club at Artemis, who fell back, just as Hermione launched her javelin again. Harley fell to the ground just in time to avoid being hit, but looked up to see Artemis standing over her with an arrow pointed at her. Harley leapt to her feet, but the back end of Hermione's javelin suddenly caught her in the chest, knocking her back to the ground. Winded, Harley stared up at them, as Hermione murmured to Artemis, "We should make sure no man wants her again. Aim for the face."
Artemis obeyed, pulling back her bow. Harley shut her eyes, preparing for pain…
When suddenly there was a giant, screeching crash, as if something huge and metallic had collided with something else huge and metallic. The sound rang around the island, and everyone clapped their hands to their ears, deafened by it.
"What in Hera's name is that?!" roared Hippolyta.
"I don't know!" cried Wonder Woman. Then she looked up at the cliff above the city, and her jaw tightened in fury. "Oh wait – yes, I do," she muttered.
…
"Oh my God, you crushed the invisible jet!" exclaimed Joker, realizing that the reason for the horrible noise underneath the Batwing was due to exactly that. "You just landed on it!"
"No, I didn't!" snapped Batman, trying to raise the Batwing up again, but the shards of the invisible jet were entangled in his engine, keeping him trapped against it.
"Yeah, you did," agreed Two-Face, looking out the window. "And now we're stuck in its remains. Either that or this is some kinda invisible Amazon trap."
"It could be – they have an invisible jet, for God's sake!" snapped Batman.
"I think your whole stealth mission idea is gonna have to be revised," commented Joker.
"Maybe not," retorted Batman. "They might not know we're here…"
"Oh, they know," said Joker, pointing out the window. They all three turned to see a huge mob of Amazons heading toward them, looking very, very angry.
"Batman, get out of there right now!" shouted Wonder Woman.
"She doesn't know we're here – you go and distract them, Bats, and Harvey and me will sneak out the back…" began Joker.
"No, this was your idea, and you're taking the fall for it!" snapped Batman, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him after him as he climbed out onto the Batwing.
"Hi, Wonder Woman…" Batman began.
"What in Hades do you think you're doing?!" interrupted Wonder Woman. "You know you're not allowed here! And not only have you broken Aphrodite's Law, but you've destroyed my plane!"
"That was an accident…" began Batman.
"If you don't want things like that to happen, maybe you should get a visible plane that people can actually see," interrupted Joker. "It can't be the first time it's happened…"
"And why have you brought this filthy degenerate to the sacred island of the Amazons?!" demanded Wonder Woman. "Not only is he a man, but he's a murderous criminal lunatic, which is really the last person we need to know about Themyscira when we're trying to keep our island hidden and secret! Do you have anything to say for yourself, Batman?! Anything at all to defend your actions?!"
"It was Joker's idea!" snapped Batman, throwing a finger at him. "He found out about this place and was determined to go there, so I thought the lesser of two evils was to go with him and supervise him…"
"And how did he find out about this place?" demanded Wonder Woman.
"Well, I kinda…told him," said Batman, slowly. "Look, he threatened innocent people – he wanted to know where Harley had gone, and I assumed she was with you, and he wanted to drag her back, but I had to explain to him why he wasn't allowed to do that, and then he said he'd find this place on his own and start murdering Amazons…"
The mob instantly began booing him, raising their weapons. "Down, sisters!" exclaimed Hippolyta, holding up her hand. "You know the law, and it is not mob rule! These men shall be formally executed, as is customary."
"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman. "You can't execute us! Wonder Woman won't let you…"
"You knowingly and willingly broke the laws of our land, Batman!" exclaimed Wonder Woman. "When you knew death was the punishment for so doing! I can try reasoning with them, but the law is very clear on that point. I will not oppose the justice of my mother and my homeland, however crude it seems to you."
"But there's gotta be a loophole, right?" asked Batman. "Or some technicality…"
"There is," said Two-Face, joining them to more furious murmuring. "As I understand it, Aphrodite's Law is, and I quote, 'Under penalty of death, no Man may set foot on Themyscira.' Now I used to be a lawyer, and technically, none of us have actually set foot on Themyscira yet. We're on this plane, but our feet are not on the island."
"Nice lawyering there, Harv," said Joker, nodding. "I normally despise lawyers and all that they stand for, but if it gets us outta being executed, I can't complain."
"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, who had arrived on the scene at that moment. "You came to rescue me!"
"I sure did, pooh," said Joker, beaming at her. "The moment I heard about this place, I knew it was the Weed Lady's idea to take you, and I knew it was my duty to get you offa this dump of a rock before you could be influenced by female self-esteem too much. I knew my Harley girl would never be comfortable anywhere without me, especially on this weird gender discriminatory island full of only dames…at least, I think they're dames," he added, gazing around at the mob. "It's really hard to tell with a lot of 'em…"
"Shut up, Joker!" snapped Batman, but it was too late. The mob's collective fury burst forth, and they began attacking the Batwing, bashing their weapons against it. The plane rocked violently from side to side and began to break into pieces, and Batman, Joker, and Two-Face were all thrown off it, landing on the ground of the island.
"You have set foot on Themyscira now," muttered Hippolyta, standing over them, her face hard and cold. "Take them to the palace – I shall oversee their execution personally."