"This is all your fault," snapped Batman, glaring at Joker as they were escorted toward the palace, their hands bound in front of them.
"Yes, it is another fine mess I've gotten us into," agreed Joker, nodding. "But I ain't worried. You're here, and Harley's here, and one of you is bound to figure out a way to get me outta being executed. I've avoided it lots of times in Gotham, for instance, what with insanity pleas and daring, last minute escapes. There was that one time I was gonna get the chair, but you spent days and weeks of your time proving that the crime I was gonna be executed for was one I didn't commit. I mean, I had committed lots of other, worse ones, and some would say you trying to save me on a technicality was the definition of insanity, but then as far as I know, no one's ever claimed that you're a particularly sane individual…"
"Will you both just shut up?" snapped Two-Face. "If I'm going to die, I want to enjoy my last few minutes of life without you two arguing like a couple of children. But it is all your fault, Joker," he added. "I had the perfect way to get us all outta this mess scot-free – we could have just taken Harley with us and left. But no, you have to open your big mouth and incite a mob riot!"
"Hey, it's what I do," said Joker, shrugging. "You do your coin thing, Batsy does his justice thing, and I engage the audience."
"Into murdering us – yeah, thanks," said Two-Face, sarcastically.
"We're not being murdered – Batsy is going to save us," said Joker, confidently.
"What do you expect me to do?" demanded Batman. "We're all in the same boat here!"
"I dunno, but you'll find a way to get us out of this – you're Batman," said Joker, shrugging. "And I told Harvey yesterday, which was the last time he thought we were going to die, Batman always comes through to save us."
"Well, I hate to break it to you, Joker, but I don't have a plan for getting us out of this," snapped Batman.
"You don't need a plan – you're an improviser, like me, Batsy," said Joker. "You'll think of something. I have complete faith in you."
Batman sighed heavily, hoping that if he did have to die today, he would at least get to see that smug, confident smile wiped off the Joker's face before he did.
They were dragged into the great hall of the palace, and Hippolyta took a seat on her throne, surrounded by what appeared to be the rest of the population of the island.
"Batman, Joker, and Two-Face, you have been found guilty of breaking Aphrodite's Law, and are sentenced to death," she pronounced. "Do you have a preferred method of execution?"
"Oooh, where do I start?" sighed Joker. "There are just so many to choose from! I've always been partial to a little burning at the stake myself – it's just sorta nice and traditional. Of course hanging is also traditional, but all that writhing and gagging is really undignified. Beheading's fun, because they say you're still conscious for a few seconds after your head comes off, but don't use a guillotine because that's just too French for my taste…"
"Beheading is our traditional method of execution," interrupted Hippolyta. "So very well. We shall let our finest warrior swing the sword," she said, nodding at Hermione. "The clown first – bring him," she said, beckoning her guards forward.
"Wait, wait, wait, we're doing this now?" asked Joker, as he was dragged toward the throne. "Not like tomorrow at dawn or anything?"
"We believe there is no time like the present," said Hippolyta.
"Damn efficient dames," muttered Joker. "Just give you no time to think…"
His head was forced down, and Joker looked at Batman. "Ok, anytime now, Bats," he said.
"What do you expect me to do?! I'm kinda tied up here!" snapped Batman, nodding at his guard.
Joker sighed heavily. "Fine, I'll do it myself," he muttered, slamming his head up suddenly so that it collided with the guard's face. He then sliced the ropes that bound his hands across the sword that was about to come down on his neck, reached into his pocket for a knife, and threw that into the eye of the executioner. He then pulled out his gun and began firing at random Amazons as he made a break for the door…but he didn't get far. He was suddenly lassoed and dragged back by Wonder Woman.
"Oh, come on!" he shouted. "I thought you were meant to be one of the good guys!"
"I am," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "And you have just killed and wounded several of my sisters. I do not share Batman's bizarre devotion to keeping you alive. If you ask me, executing you would do the world a huge favor, and will be justice for all of those you blindly murdered for your sick jokes."
She held him down, and Artemis, who had taken up the sword of execution, raised it, about to bring it down on his neck…
"Stop, stop, stop!" shrieked Harley, who had gone to go fetch Ivy and Selina, and had returned just in time. She threw herself in front of Joker. "You can't execute him! I won't let you!" she cried.
"You wish to intercede for this man, Harley?" asked Hippolyta.
"You're damn right I do!" exclaimed Harley. "If you wanna kill puddin', you gotta kill me too!"
"See? Self-sacrifice, what did I tell ya?" said Joker, shrugging.
"According to the laws of Aphrodite, there is a way for a woman to intercede on behalf of a man, and prevent his execution," said Hippolyta. "She must defeat our best warrior in single combat. If she wins, the man she has spoken for shall go free. If she loses, she dies along with him."
"I'll do it," said Harley, without hesitating an instant. "If it gives Mr. J a chance, I'll do anything. Though that Aphrodite's kinda a bitch, for a woman who's meant to be the goddess of love."
"And what about these other two?" Hippolyta asked. "Will anyone here intercede for them? Daughter, I think you might for Batman…"
"No, I will," interrupted Selina, stepping forward and wincing as she walked on her wounded foot. "He's still my boyfriend, even if he is a selfish jerk."
"Selina!" snapped Ivy. "That's not the attitude we discussed!"
"Oh, come on, Ivy, they're going to kill them!" snapped Selina. "I might be angry at Batman, but I'm not gonna let him die just because he had other commitments on Valentine's Day! How petty would that be?!"
"And will anyone intercede for Two-Face?" asked Hippolyta. Everyone turned to look at Ivy, who just glared at him. Then she muttered something unintelligible.
"What was that?" asked Hippolyta.
"I said he's not worth it, but I will," snapped Ivy.
"Very well. Since we have three challengers, we shall have our three best warriors face them," said Hippolyta. "And they shall fight to the death. We shall see you on the battlefield at dawn tomorrow. Take them away," she said, gesturing to the men.
"All right, dawn tomorrow!" exclaimed Joker, as they were dragged off. "What did I tell you guys? Plenty of time to plan a daring escape!"
"He'd better, because I don't think there's any way we're winning against the three best warriors," muttered Ivy. "We didn't today."
"We didn't have love motivating us, Red," said Harley. "Since we do this time, we're sure to win."
"I wish I had your optimism, Harley," retorted Selina. "Plus Ivy and I are wounded, so starting from behind."
"Well, so are they," said Harley. "And we got some tricks up our sleeve. After all, in a life or death situation, I don't think anyone can blame us for cheating a little."
Ivy looked at her. "Are you saying you want me to use my plants?"
"I'm saying we should use every weapon to our advantage," retorted Harley.
"That's not very sportswomanlike…" began Selina.
"Screw sportswomanship – they're gonna kill Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "And I'm not gonna let it happen under any circumstances! It's time we started fighting back on their level, and their level is completely nuts! Everyone here is crazy!"
"You dated the Joker," pointed out Selina. "So you probably shouldn't talk."
"He's my kinda crazy!" snapped Harley. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go see my boyfriend on what might be his last night alive!"
She stormed off, and Ivy and Selina shared a look. "You know, she's right," said Selina. "It could be their and our last night alive. You think we should forgive them and try and make peace before the end?"
Ivy shook her head. "Nah, I'm still mad," she said, heading off. "Maybe if we win, I'll think about forgiving them."