"So you're going the whole Shawshank Redemption route, huh?" asked Joker, watching as Batman began digging a tunnel in their cell. "I'm sure we can use that as a toilet if you wanna get the authentic experience…"
"Do you have a better idea?" demanded Batman, rounding on him.
"Yeah, let the ladies handle it," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm sure they can win this thing tomorrow all on their own, so we got nothing to worry about. We should get some well deserved shut-eye. Or are you saying you don't have faith in your girlfriend?"
"To win in single combat against an Amazon?" demanded Batman. "I do have faith in Selina, but that's asking a lot from anyone, and I'd rather be safe than sorry when my life is on the line!"
"Well, I have complete faith in Harley," said Joker, leaning back against the bars. "If I know my crazy little clown girl, she can beat anything, not because she's better, but because she fights dirty. Plus an insane opponent is completely unpredictable, and Harley's nothing if not insane thanks to me. She'll do fine."
"I'm not sure Ivy is gonna cheat and use her plants for me," muttered Two-Face. "But I sure hope so. To be honest, I'm just pleasantly surprised she agreed to fight a woman for me. She must care more than I thought."
"Or she's just inherently violent and enjoys fighting," said Joker. "I know Harley does. Harley enjoys it a lot…" he sighed, trailing off again and getting that faraway look for the second time that day.
"What are you doing?" asked Two-Face, studying him.
"Nothing," said Joker, snapping back to reality suddenly. "Just…thinking."
"Oh my God, were you fantasizing about Harley?" asked Two-Face.
"No!" snapped Joker. "I don't do that, because unlike you, I don't need sex! It's not a priority for me, and I do not take time out of my day to think about it!"
"I think you're just ashamed to admit that because of Harley, you've developed normal, human urges," retorted Two-Face. "Because that would be admitting that she's influenced you in some way."
"Which she hasn't," finished Joker, nodding. "I don't care about the useless little brat, and I told you, I'm beating her for slapping me. Beating her…real hard…"
"Just stop!" snapped Batman. "The last thing I want to think about is you having sexual urges, Joker!"
"Why not? You wanna join in?" asked Joker. "We could play 'Never Has My Girlfriend Ever,' though I suspect I would win that, since your dames have both been around the block more than a few times. On the other hand, Harley does some things in the sack that you wouldn't believe – just so you know, she does have a Batman costume…"
"Stop talking!" roared Batman, slamming Joker's face against the bars.
"Hey, pooh, we were just talking about you!" exclaimed Joker, smiling up with bloodied teeth at Harley, who had appeared at the cell just then.
"You let go of him, you big bully!" snapped Harley, reaching between the bars and shoving Batman away. Then she grabbed Joker by the lapels and slammed his face against the bars again.
"Ow! What was that for?" demanded Joker.
"For forgetting Valentine's Day, you selfish creep!" snapped Harley. "I haven't forgiven you for everything, you know, even if I am relieved to see you," she added, smiling.
"Aw, baby, c'mon," Joker said, smiling back. "You can't stay mad at me for that, especially since we might both die tomorrow."
"No, but I'd like an apology," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest.
Joker looked at her, and then looked over his shoulder at Batman and Two-Face. "What…right now?" he muttered. "Can't I do it later, like after we're dead tomorrow?"
"Mr. J, you have to stop this," snapped Harley. "I don't know why you think you'd lose face in front of the guys if you were genuine and honest with me, but there is nothing emasculating about admitting your feelings, or admitting when you were wrong. I know you care a lot about what Bats thinks, but he agrees with me, doncha, Bats?" she asked.
"Personally, I'd be a lot more comfortable if he talked about his feelings less," retorted Batman.
"Yeah, you know a guy who wears a mask and beats up people is real honest about his feelings," said Joker, sarcastically. "If he doesn't have to do it, why do I have to do it?"
"Because his girlfriend isn't as demanding as I am," retorted Harley.
"It's better to be honest," agreed Two-Face, nodding. "I used to spend a lot of my time hiding my feelings, and look what happened to me," he said, gesturing to his face. "Now I don't believe in concealing things. Which is ironically one of the reasons why Pammie doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, because she thinks me being open and honest means I'm concealing things from her. Apparently the guy who turned her half-plant used to be really demonstrative with his feelings, so she doesn't trust that now."
"Well, I'm not Red or Selina," said Harley. "I'm a straightforward gal, and all I want is for my boyfriend to apologize at the mistake he made, and say that he loves me. That's not asking too much, is it?"
"It's asking plenty!" snapped Joker. "I woulda thought being stuck here would have made you realize how lucky you are to have me, you ungrateful dame! If you want someone who talks about their feelings a lot, why doncha go date a woman?! Why don't you stay here on this island of touchy-feely broads, rather than come back to a real man?! Being open and honest is not who I am, being the Joker and all - the clue's in the name! And I am not changing who I am for you, you worthless brat! You'll take what you can get and like it, because that's what you deserve for trying to hone in on my greatness all these years!"
"Oh my God, I don't believe this!" shouted Harley. "I volunteer to fight for you when we could both die, and you won't even apologize for forgetting Valentine's Day! It's really the least you can do when I agree to sacrifice myself for you to a buncha crazy Amazons!"
"I didn't ask you to do that – I coulda taken 'em!" snapped Joker.
"Yeah, you were doing a great job when I arrived," said Harley, sarcastically. "If I hadn't come when I did, your head would be stuck on a pike somewhere as a warning to other men who try and set foot on this island!"
"A bunch of girls could never execute the Joker!" shouted Joker. "It's just not possible, especially not with Batsy here to save me!"
"I saved you!" snapped Harley. "But fine, I'll go tell 'em I take back my single combat challenge, and let you die," she said, shrugging and turning away. "You can get yourself outta your own mess if you're gonna treat me like this."
"My mess?!" repeated Joker. "We came here to rescue you, so it's your fault we're in this mess, and your responsibility to fix it!"
"And who asked you to rescue me?" demanded Harley.
"Nobody! I just missed…slapping you around!" snapped Joker.
Harley stared at him. "Yeah?" she asked. "You really missed that, Mr. J?"
"You can ask Batsy or Harvey," said Joker, nodding at them. "I threatened my way outta Arkham and on to this stupid island all because I missed beating you. They were content to let you gals remain here for as long as you wanted, but I insisted on getting you back to punish you violently for hitting me. If that ain't love, I don't know what is."
"No, you really don't," agreed Batman, shaking his head.
Harley approached the bars slowly. "You coulda beaten anyone," she said. "You coulda taken your rage out on an Arkham guard, or a henchman, or even Batsy…"
"Nah, it was you I was angry at," said Joker. "It was you I needed, Harley. Even if it meant me going to my doom. Nobody else would do but you."
"Oh…Mr. J!" gasped Harley, seizing him by the lapels again and planting a kiss on his lips. "You do love me! And you always know just how to show me!"
"I sure do, toots," agreed Joker, grinning at her. "And I'm more than ready to show you right now, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, Mr. J," repeated Harley, grinning back. "Doing it between the bars of a cell is really gonna take me back."
"Isn't it, Dr. Quinzel?" chuckled Joker, pulling her close. "Now c'mere, Doc – I got something really big to show you."
"Oh my God, they are not doing this now!" exclaimed Batman, staring at them in horror. "Not when I have to be in the same room with them!"
"They do it in Arkham a lot," sighed Two-Face. "You kinda just have to try to tune it out, because they make a lot of noise…"
"This is not happening!" shouted Batman, clapping his hands over his ears and shutting his eyes tightly. "I am not seeing this! I'm not! I'm digging this tunnel and getting us out of here so I am not trapped here for this!"
"You could always go and try to separate them…" began Two-Face.
"I'm not separating them, because they're not doing anything," interrupted Batman. "They're not, they're not, they're not. Sometimes denial is the best course of action," he added, as he resumed frantically digging the hole. "Because I can't hear anything, and I certainly can't see anything, so nothing is happening. And this totally isn't one of the worst days of my life, and isn't making me wish the Amazons had just executed me so I wouldn't have to experience this, which is nothing, because nothing is happening."
"This is actually a good lesson for you, Bats," Two-Face said. "Maybe next time you think about throwing us in Arkham, you'll remember what things are like with the clowns in there, and you'll think twice about it."
"I can't hear you, Harvey, because I've turned off the audio in my cowl," said Batman. "So I can't hear anything. And I can't see anything except this tunnel that I'm digging, so feel free to help me."
Two-Face sighed again, flipped his coin which landed good side up, and then went to go help Batman, leaving Joker and Harley to their happy reunion.