"Harley, where the hell have you been?" demanded Ivy, as Harley joined them on the battlefield just before dawn the next day. "Selina and I have been up all night getting ready for this fight, and you'd think you'd have joined us with the Joker's life on the line!"
"Sorry, Red, but I was a little…preoccupied," giggled Harley. "Or I guess that should be occupied. By Mr. J. Being inside me…"
"Oh my God, you had sex with him in jail?" demanded Selina. "Were Batman and Two-Face there?"
"Yeah, but I didn't really notice them – I don't really notice anything outside of me and Mr. J when we're together," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He's just so wonderful…"
"I don't wanna hear about it, Harley," interrupted Ivy. "And at least if we die today, I never will have to hear about it again, so that's a silver lining."
"We ain't gonna die, Red," said Harley, firmly. "We got our secret weapons."
"Our secret weapons?" repeated Ivy. "I've got my plants – what secret weapons do you have?"
"I can't tell you – it's a secret," said Harley, putting a finger to her lips and grinning. "But it's a good 'un. Gonna knock the socks off these Amazons, if they wore socks, that is."
"It is dawn, sisters," announced Hippolyta, as she and her entourage descended from the palace. "Bring the prisoners to the playing field, and prepare yourselves for the fight of your lives."
Harley, Ivy, and Selina stared at the competition across from them – Hermione glaring at them with a patch covering her eye where Joker had stabbed her, Helen leaning heavily on her sword to support her wounded leg, and Artemis readying her bow and looking as if she had already won.
"I think you should take Helen, Selina, seeing as you both got wounded legs," said Ivy.
"And you're gonna take the one missing an eye, leaving Harley with the healthy one?" asked Selina. "That seems fair."
"Believe me, ladies, fair is the last thing we're gonna be," muttered Harley. "Also, evil Harry Potter's friend is mine," she said, pointing at Hermione. "You take Katniss over there."
"Who on earth is Katniss?" demanded Artemis.
"No men and no Hunger Games on this island," sighed Harley, shaking her head. "And they call this place a paradise."
"It is a paradise," retorted Artemis. "Or it was until your men crashed here and turned us against each other, as men always do. Women could live in peace and harmony if not for them."
"We fought before they got here too, y'know!" snapped Harley.
"That was a friendly match," retorted Artemis.
"You call that friendly?" demanded Harley.
"It will be, compared to how we treat you today," said Hermione. "If you side with men against us, you side with our enemy. You are traitors to the sisterhood of womankind, and you must be destroyed."
"Red calls me a traitor to womankind all the time," said Harley, shrugging. "I've stopped caring. Anyway, why would I side with someone just because they happen to be the same gender as me? If you're a jerk, you're a jerk, man or woman. And I prefer my jerk of a man to you female jerks. At least he tries to avoid the face when he hurts me. Though I gotta say, messing up your face might improve it, seeing as you're so ugly already…"
Hermione swung her javelin at her, and Harley ducked. "Missed me, cyclops," she said with a grin. "Try again."
"The fight will not begin until the prisoners arrive…" began Hippolyta, but Hermione ignored her, hurling her javelin at Harley again.
"Your disgusting man did this to me!" she roared. "And I will make you suffer for it!"
"You can try," said Harley, smiling. "But this harlequin has got a few tricks up her sleeve. Now, Red!"
As Hermione prepared to swing her javelin again, it was suddenly seized by a plant vine, which had slithered its way out of the undergrowth, joined by dozens of others. The vines surrounded the three Amazons, who began trying to cut them down.
"What sorcery is this?" demanded Artemis.
"It's a little power Red has, thanks to a man," said Harley, nodding.
"Harley, can you not remind me?" demanded Ivy.
"Well, it's true – without Jason, you wouldn't be able to control plants like this," said Harley, shrugging. "Even though some men can be horrible, there can be benefits to women in having them around."
"You could have picked a better example," growled Ivy.
"Stop this now!" commanded Hippolyta. "This is cheating! And we cannot have our fight until the prisoners are present! That is the law!"
"I dunno if anyone told you, Hippie, but we ain't the kinda gals who have a lotta respect for the law," retorted Harley. "Anyway, nobody wants to see a fair fight – where would be the fun in that?"
Wonder Woman suddenly rushed toward them from the palace. "Daughter, where are the prisoners?" asked Hippolyta.
"They've gone, Mother!" she exclaimed. "They've disappeared! They dug a tunnel in their cell floor – they must have escaped that way!"
"They didn't have time to dig a whole tunnel!" said Hippolyta, her eyebrows narrowing. "That's impossible!"
"Not for Batman when he's desperate to be distracted," muttered Selina. "And something tells me he was desperate to be distracted last night to ignore what the clowns were doing right next to him."
"They must not leave the island!" cried Hippolyta. "Find them! They cannot escape facing justice for their crime!"
"Somehow, Queenie, I think we will!" chuckled a familiar voice. "We always do, after all!"
"Oh. That was your secret weapon, huh?" asked Ivy, as Joker waved at them from the top of the hill overlooking the field. "Get the clown to cause a little chaos?"
"Not just the clown," replied Harley with a grin.
The Batwing suddenly flew over Joker's head. "Everyone stop this violence now," commanded Batman. "Fights to the death are no way to settle our differences of opinion on worldview or gender. So cease and desist before I open fire with non-lethal rounds."
"Aw, you had to spoil the fun and tell 'em they were non-lethal," muttered Joker, disappointed.
"Princess Diana, you can take out this metal monstrosity!" exclaimed Artemis.
"Wait, Princess Diana is here?" asked Joker. "Is Elvis here too?"
Wonder Woman leapt over him suddenly, her sword raised as she smashed it into the Batwing. "That's for my jet!" she snapped. "You do not come to my island and threaten me, Batman! You will respect the laws and customs of our land, not control everything as you seek to do in Gotham! This is my home, not yours, and just because our rules are different does not mean they are wrong!"
"They are when they're trying to kill me!" snapped Batman. "Killing is always wrong! There's always a better way, you know that, Diana!"
"Oh, she's Princess Diana," said Joker, nodding. "That makes a lot more sense…"
"Land this now," commanded Wonder Woman. "And we will talk."
"Don't do it, Batman – it's a trap," said Two-Face, who was with Batman in the Batwing. "The coin said so…"
"I'm not controlled by a coin," growled Batman, landing the plane next to Joker.
"Nope, just by a woman!" chuckled Joker, making a whip-cracking noise which was abruptly silenced by Batman punching him in the face.
"I've shown I can be reasonable," said Batman, turning back to Wonder Woman. "Can you?"
"I am always reasonable," retorted Wonder Woman. She turned to face the Amazons. "We will have our battle, sisters, with one exception. No killing on either side. This will be a friendly match, and the men will be allowed to fight for themselves, with their women as their allies."
"That is not our law, daughter!" snapped Hippolyta. "We cannot choose which laws to obey and which laws to break on a whim!"
"But we can acknowledge that sometimes traditional laws should be modified as times progress," said Wonder Woman. "I am happy to have Themyscira remain as it is – a paradise for women only. But I am not happy to execute any man who sets foot on it. That is not a crime which should be punishable by death. Just by getting the crap kicked out of him by Amazons," she added.
"Ah, you're like Batsy who thinks death is the worst thing in the world, but horrific mutilation is just a fun evening out…" began Joker, before Batman punched him again.
"You're not going to ruin everything by opening your big mouth this time!" he hissed. "Thank you for taking such a reasonable position, Wonder Woman," he said, turning back to her.
"Bet that's not the first time you've said that about her position, huh, Batsy?" chuckled Joker, resulting in another punch from Batman.
"Mother, please," said Wonder Woman, appealing to her. "My sisters, can we not forgive them for their trespass? After all, they are only men, and can't be blamed for being a little foolish."
"Say that to my face, sweetheart…" began Joker, but he was cut off by a punch from Two-Face this time.
"I'm fighting the clown," announced Hermione, readying her javelin as she glared at Joker.
"Clowns," corrected Harley, coming over to stand next to him. "Bring it."
"I do not have the authority to change Aphrodite's Law, or to make an exception," said Hippolyta. "It must be put to a vote. Sisters, how many of you wish to have our fight to the death, as planned?"
A good number of Amazons raised their hands. "And how many wish this to be a friendly match?" asked Hippolyta. "Men can't vote!" she snapped, as Batman and Two-Face raised their hands.
"Stupid sexist island, I tell ya…" muttered Joker.
"You didn't even vote," retorted Two-Face.
"That's because I'm never gonna vote for not killing, Harv – it's just goes against my nature," said Joker.
"The women have spoken," said Hippolyta, nodding. "There shall be no killing today. But I warn you not to assume that we are always so forgiving. Had my daughter not been here to plead your case, the law would have been carried out. You men do not deserve her."
"Oh yeah, she's a real hero," said Joker, sarcastically. "We should definitely all worship her and all of you for forgiving us when we've actually done nothing wrong and just broken some stupid, unjust law which is horribly discriminatory in the first place…"
He was cut off this time by Harley kissing him. "Please, Mr. J, let's just shut up long enough to get outta here," she murmured. "And then we can insult them all to our heart's content. Believe me, I'll be the one leading the insults."
"Ladies, let us fight with honor," said Wonder Woman, drawing her sword. "I shall join with Artemis, Hermione, and Helen against Ivy, Selina, Harley, and their men. And may the best sex win," she added.
"Well, that settles it," said Ivy, throwing up her hands. "I can't fight against women in a battle of the sexes. You guys are on your own," she said, heading over to the opposite team.
"Well, I'm fighting with the guys," said Harley, cuddling Joker.
"And I'm fighting for one guy," said Selina, standing beside Batman.
Ivy growled. "Fine," she muttered, joining them again. "But just so you know, I'm on the side of the women in spirit."
"We are outnumbered," said Artemis.
"Yes, but we are women," pointed out Wonder Woman, smiling. "So that shouldn't be a problem."