"Let the friendly fight begin," said Hippolyta, and Wonder Woman and Artemis charged Batman and Selina.
"Ok, what's your plan?" asked Selina, raising her whip.
"You disarm the archer – I'll take Wonder Woman," said Batman, using his gauntlets to block her blows.
"Well, you taking Wonder Woman isn't an image I wanted, but thanks for that," muttered Selina, as she dodged an arrow from Artemis.
"We should use your plants," said Two-Face, as Helen charged him and Ivy with her sword raised.
"I'm definitely not cheating in a battle of the sexes!" snapped Ivy.
"But I don't have any weapons, and you don't have any weapons, so we need something to fight with," said Two-Face.
"Tough. I'm not sacrificing my babies to prove that men are better than women," retorted Ivy, taking a seat on the ground. "I'm taking an ideological stand. Or seat, I guess."
Two-Face sighed. "I should probably run, right?" he asked, flipping the coin. It landed good side up, and Two-Face obeyed it, trying to find something he could use as a weapon.
Meanwhile, Hermione started toward Joker and Harley with her javelin raised. They shared a look, and smiled. "Ready, pooh?" asked Joker.
"Ready, Mr. J," said Harley.
"Stop! Hammer time!" chuckled Joker, as Harley took her club and then leapt into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his neck and then hung down, holding out her club as he spun her around, firing off rounds from both his guns in either hand.
"You can't touch this!" chuckled Joker.
Two-Face had been running toward them, hoping to borrow Joker's weapon, but immediately stopped as repeating rounds began firing in his direction. "Harley, go!" shouted Joker, and Harley pulled herself up onto Joker's shoulders and leapt off him, shooting herself straight into Helen, who had been chasing Two-Face. Harley clubbed her across the skull hard enough to knock her out, and then stood up.
"One down!" she exclaimed.
"Thanks, I owe you," said Two-Face. "Turns out Pammie isn't going to compete on the side of men, which I guess makes sense. Still, I was kinda hoping she cared enough about me not to want to see me horribly maimed…"
"Too late for that, half-face," growled Hermione, throwing her javelin straight toward him. It was suddenly stopped by a plant vine seizing it inches from Two-Face.
"Tell anyone about this, and you're dead," said Ivy, seriously, as her vine shot the javelin back at Hermione, hitting her in the arm.
"Geez, that's your throwing arm – that sucks," commented Joker, who suddenly slammed a rubber chicken into her face. Unfortunately for her, the rubber chicken had a brick in it, and she fell to the ground, unconscious. "She didn't see that one coming!" chuckled Joker, twirling the rubber chicken by its head. "And not just because I took her eye out yesterday!"
"See, this is great!" exclaimed Harley. "When we all work together, we can overcome anything, no matter what gender we are!"
"Save the victory speeches, Harl – a little help over here!" shouted Selina, who was struggling with Artemis, while Batman and Wonder Woman were still evenly matched.
"Coming, kittypie!" chuckled Joker. "Looks like it's up to the guys to rescue the gals, as always…"
"Shut up, you sexist pig!" snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way and hurrying to Selina's aid.
Joker shrugged. "Suits me – I'm helping my pal Bats…"
"You stay the hell away from me!" snapped Batman.
Joker shrugged again. "Fine, I won't help anyone fight – see if I care," he muttered, sitting down on the field.
"I don't know about you, puddin', but clubbing people unconscious has really gotten me in the mood again," murmured Harley, coming over to him and draping her arms around him. "You wanna have a little sex battle of our own?"
"Honestly, Harl, you are so greedy," retorted Joker. "We had hours traumatizing Bats yesterday – wasn't that enough?" Then he grinned. "But I bet it is something not a lotta these Amazons have seen before. I guess we could educate them on how much fun a man and a woman can have together, if they're not separated by stupid, sexist laws."
Ivy had managed to tackle Artemis to the ground, while Selina tied her up with her whip, leaving only Wonder Woman. "If you can somehow chain her bracelets together, that immobilizes her!" shouted Selina at Batman.
"I know!" shouted Batman.
"Wait, how do you know?" demanded Selina.
"Not the time or the place for this discussion!" shouted back Batman.
"We should leave them to it," said Ivy. "I don't want Batman to win this fight, because I think Wonder Woman is inherently the better and more powerful fighter, being a woman."
"Well, I think Bats is the better fighter," retorted Selina.
"Well, one of us is wrong," retorted Ivy. "And I know it's not me, because women are just better than men."
"Not all women, and not this man!" snapped Selina.
"I guess we'll just have to see who's right, won't we?" demanded Ivy. "And this will decide it once and for all. A peak specimen of manhood and a peak specimen of womanhood, battling it out with no interference. The winner of this will prove which is the superior gender."
Everyone on the island watched the fight with bated breath and intense concentration, for the two opponents were perfectly matched, and there was no clear indication of who the winner would be. It was a tense battle which no one could turn away from…
And which was suddenly interrupted by some loud, unholy noises. "What in Hera's name is that?" demanded Wonder Woman, pausing in the fight.
"Oh, I know," said Ivy, shuddering.
"And Batman knows too, having heard it all yesterday," said Two-Face, nodding.
"Oh, puddin'! Oh, yes! Oh, what a man!"
"Yeah, let's see a woman do this, toots!"
"Oh my God, the gals here don't know what they're missing, living without this! Oh, puddin', yes! Work that rubber chicken!"
"Whatever you do, don't look at them!" exclaimed Batman, clapping his hands to his ears again and shutting his eyes. "You'll never be able to erase it from your memory!"
"Can't you make them stop?" demanded Wonder Woman, covering her own ears.
"You go over there and do it!" snapped Batman. "I'm not taking the risk of seeing them! Let's just get the hell away from it!"
"We'll head back to the palace," said Wonder Woman, sheathing her sword. "And prepare a feast as a celebration of a friendly match ending in a draw," she said, holding out her hand to Batman.
Batman hastily took it, and then hurried toward the palace, followed quickly by everyone else on the island except for Joker and Harley.
"You know what, pooh?" asked Joker, lazily smoking a cigarette later. "We probably just saved gender equality. Thanks to us, the battle of the sexes ended in a tie, proving that both sides are just as equal, and just as equally repulsed by having to hear other people make whoopie cushion."
"You're a real hero, puddin'," purred Harley, cuddling him and kissing his cheek.
"Yes, I am, pooh," agreed Joker, beaming. "Yes, I am."