"Well, that was fun," said Joker, as he sat cuddling Harley on his lap as they all flew back home in the Batwing. The others in the plane sat in sullen silence, Batman staring straight ahead and trying to ignore Selina throwing up next to him.
"I guess this will teach me to never challenge an Amazon to a drinking contest," she muttered.
"Don't feel bad – we all fell for it," muttered Ivy, who was a slightly queasier shade of green than normal.
"I blame the coin," said Two-Face, who looked like he was about to join Selina in burying his face in a bag.
"Oh, you always blame the coin – take some responsibility for yourself for once in your life, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "You didn't want to feel emasculated by being out-drunk by a woman, that's all!"
"I think Harv is pretty used to feeling emasculated, being in a relationship with you," commented Joker.
"We're not in a relationship!" snapped Ivy.
"We're not – she just saved my life out of spite," muttered Two-Face. "Because with the headache I've got right now, I'd rather be dead."
"Where'd you sneak off to with Princess Di, Batsy?" asked Joker, casually. "I saw you two leaving the party together last night…"
"I didn't sneak off – I don't know what you're talking about," interrupted Batman, a little too hastily, as Selina raised her head from the bag it was buried in to glare at him.
"What is he talking about?" she demanded.
"He's trying to cause trouble, because he's the Joker, and that's what he does!" snapped Batman. "Or do you actually trust the man who has literally no shame about having sex in public?"
"Twice," reminded Harley, cuddling Joker happily.
"Yeah, it was the best Valentine's Day in a while," agreed Joker, nodding.
"How can you say that?!" demanded Two-Face, rounding on him. "We went to this crazy, women-only island, and they tried to kill us! And then we fought this so-called friendly battle which wasn't so friendly, which ended in a tie and all of us trying to get away from you and Harley having public sex, and then we had this celebratory feast which turned into a drinking competition that the women were determined to win!"
"There were no winners last night," muttered Ivy, clutching her head. "Everyone lost."
"And what part of that is not the best Valentine's Day in a while?" asked Joker, puzzled. "Think about what you just said. It had it all – adventure, excitement, danger, random acts of violence, public displays of romance, and the risk that we could all be executed at any time by a bunch of crazed Amazons!"
"Puddin', don't remind me, you'll get me in the mood again," purred Harley, kissing him.
"Clearly doesn't take much," muttered Selina.
"I'm glad you enjoyed your time on Themyscira, Joker," said Batman. "Because we're heading straight back to Arkham to lock you all up again for a long time. And then I am going on a flight to Hawaii with my girlfriend, just like I promised her."
"Oh, we are not doing that today," said Selina. "The flying is not helping with the hangover, and I am not about to get on another plane anytime soon."
"Oh, he was talking about you?" asked Joker. "I thought maybe he meant Princess Di…"
"Diana is not my girlfriend," snapped Batman.
"Really? Then you probably shouldn't be doing the things I saw you doing with her," said Joker, nodding. "I always suspected you were into dominant type dames, with the whips and the lassos, but it was still shocking to see it…"
"You didn't see anything, because we didn't do anything!" shouted Batman, rounding on him.
"Ok, whatever you say, Bats," said Joker. "You didn't do anything."
Batman turned back around, and Selina turned to look at Joker, who nodded vigorously.
"So we're going to Hawaii tomorrow?" asked Batman of Selina.
"We'll see," she muttered, looking at him suspiciously.
Joker chuckled madly. "Well, my work here is done," he said. "And since I don't have any desire to go back to Arkham at the moment, and since I think we're just about over Niagara Falls, I'll be seeing you losers around."
"What are you talking about?" demanded Batman. "You're in an airplane! You don't have anywhere to…"
But he stopped talking abruptly as the seat Joker was sitting on suddenly ejected, shooting him into the air. He pulled the straps of the seat onto his back, and then pulled a string, and a parachute billowed out.
"You think I spent all that time flying and not thinking of an escape plan?" he chuckled, as he sailed past Batman. "You really don't know me at all, do ya, Bats?"
"Bye, Red, bye, Selina, bye, Harvey!" said Harley, waving at them with one hand as she clutched Joker tightly with the other. "We'll send you a postcard from Niagara Falls! Or maybe a picture of us going over the falls in a barrel! Though, y'know, we might not be decent – being in mortal peril of life and limb really gets both of our engines revving!"
"Speaking of which, my scrumptious little cupcake," murmured Joker. "We are about 30,000 feet up, and I didn't do a safety check on this equipment. For all we know, this parachute could have a hole in it, and we could plummet to ours deaths."
"Oh, puddin'," purred Harley, throwing both arms around his neck and kissing him passionately.
"Are you going after them?" demanded Ivy, as the parachute drifted lazily downwards, with the two clowns locked in each other's arms.
"Not yet," retorted Batman. "I'm getting you both back to Arkham first."
"Fine by me – Arkham has aspirin," muttered Two-Face.
"Have you asked your coin's permission to take aspirin?" asked Ivy.
Two-Face sighed, flipping his coin. It landed bad side up, and he glared at it. "You know, I've had just about enough of you," he growled at it. "First you make me leave Arkham, and then you make me follow J and Batman to that stupid island, and then you make me drink too much, but denying me painkillers is really the last straw. I'm seriously starting to think about just ignoring you."
"There's painkillers in the overhead compartment," said Batman, nodding upward.
"Why didn't you say so earlier?" demanded Selina, as she and Ivy scrambled to open it and fought over the bottle.
"Harvey?" asked Ivy, holding out the bottle after she had downed several pills.
Two-Face nodded slowly. "To heck with the coin," he muttered, taking the pills and swallowing them. "I need this."
"I'm proud of you, Harvey," said Ivy, nodding. "Ignoring the coin is quite a breakthrough. You keep this up, and I might consider being your girlfriend again."
Two-Face stared at her. "You mean…officially or…just more of what we have now?"
"I mean next Valentine's Day, you might get to buy me jewelry," said Ivy. "But no flowers, or I'll kill you," she added, seriously.
"Ah, love," said Batman, sarcastically. "Truly the greatest thing in the world."
The End