I do not Own Naruto. ALSO THIS IS NON-CANON CRACK.
I REPEAT, THIS IS NON-CANON CRACK. THIS NEVER HAPPENED. CRACK AU.
OTRATS CRACK AU.
NOT CANON TO STORY.
Nobody knows where or when it all began. The mysterious phenomenon seemed to have just suddenly appeared one day, out of the blue, and like a force of nature, it had left its mark. Men and women would become extra keen when sent out on certain missions, perverts around the Elemental Nations rejoiced, and civilians even caught on to the craze. The lingerie market had never had such high stock prices.
Some experts would argue in darkened bar rooms, about when exactly it had started, or which country could claim the rights of ownership to the fad. Suna nin declared it had begun long ago, with the first Kazekage's wife. Kiri said that it's brothels and working women had started the trend. Kumo and Iwa duked it out for the position of first country to produce a functioning factory. Konoha was quieter than them all, but nobody could ignore that they had the highest number of nin with contraband purchases.
In fact, it may have been a Konoha nin that first noticed.
Intimidating and fierce, Itachi Uchiha had strolled into the the little coastal town in River country, his partner by his side. The sun was shining, the clouds full and lazy as they drifted across the sky. Cicada song filled the humid summer air. The trail had been long and arduous, filled with misdirection and bad information. It was only through the use of the necklace hanging around the mist shinobi's neck that they had come so far.
(Secretly, his partner had felt...warm knowing that his old friend had given him the key to find her, anywhere she may be. )
The town was a small one, only notable for its distance from all other civilization. The rumors had all pointed here, and he was praying to the old gods that this would be the end of the road. Whoever this woman was, she had a network like none other. Every whore and orphan in the elemental nations had taken one look at his partner and smiled with knowing eyes. They had complimented him and hailed him as a great and tragic hero, dubbing him Chujitsuna Same. His partner had both glowed under the praise and wilted in the realization that his childhood friend's faith in him had never wavered and he could not say the same.
Itachi thought it had been an interesting experience, seeing his partner think so hard, so deeply about someone he had known long ago. The story the brothel mother in Kumo had been both entertaining and informative. He now saw the Rakki Ryuu's disciples everywhere, even in this small town.
A small group of women approaches them, whispering among themselves and giggling. The air around them smells of flowery perfumes and spicy oils. Their fluttering lashes and rouged cheeks give them away almost as much as their scent, and beside him his partner stiffens.
The leader of the group steps forward, a delicate thing with honey hair and amber eyes.
"Rakki Ryuu is here." she whispers from behind her fan, her eyes sparkling, "She doesn't know. We want to surprise her."
More likely is that the group wants to watch the drama unfold, but Itachi has little care either way. They follow the girls back to a wayward building away from the main streets. It is old and weathered by time, but there is a new coat of paint on it and when they step inside, the floors are fresh and re-finished. The leader shushes the giggling group once more and point the duo to the back door, toward the well garden.
Itachi sees her first.
She is leaning over the edge of the well wall, her body half inside of it. He thinks that if she was as really as good as the rumors say, she would have noticed them right away. Her feet are bare and dirty. Her low hanging black pants look worn and are stained with grout, and his eyes travel upwards to the pair of thin black straps that hang high on her hips and travel downward underneath her belt.
Is that…?
Beside him, his partner swallows.
Itachi glances over and is surprised by the man at his side. The tall figure is noticeably sweating and his small white eyes are locked on the thin black straps, tracing them down the woman's backside. Itachi feels uncomfortable all of a sudden, like he is intruding on a private moment. Perhaps there is more of a history between them than just childhood friends.
The woman straightens and Itachi coldly notes that she isn't wearing a shirt. The mark on her back is clear to see, and the only thing that covers her seems to be a swimsuit top. Itachi feels like smirking, and he steps back into the doorway to observe the reunion from behind a sliding screen. Perhaps the girls watching from their crouched positions at the edge of the stairwell have it right.
Kisame trails his eyes up the line of her back and when she turns around, Itachi is underwhelmed. She is just an average looking kunoichi, her shoulders broader than most, and she is baring a lot of skin, but it isn't anything they haven't seen before.
His partner beside him seems to disagree, and Itachi begins to plot.
Kisame's mouth feels dry, like he has traveled the entire distance of Suna in a single day under that hot sun. He can feel a nervous sweat break out when the woman -Ryuishi, that's Ryuishi. You know, the girl you fought beside in the war? The one you almost killed after it?- turns around and familiar coal eyes land on him and light up in recognition. He can see her sharp intake of breath fill her chest and she cocks her hips to the side. His eyes are suddenly glued to the tattoo's on her hips and the strings that wrap around the like arrows pointing him toward-
"Kisame?" a husky voice, and fuck, dammit. Dammit dammit dammit, he isn't a teenager and he shouldn't be acting like this, but her ass is at least a seven on a ten scale and whatever the hell she is wearing underneath her pants keeps drawing his eyes and why isn't she wearing a shirt?
"Ryuishi." He answers, eyes finally meeting hers, and dammit, she's smirking with lips that puberty seems to have filled up like ripened plums.
He tries to fill his head with thoughts of an obnoxious child who always carried food and fought with no shirt but then he is thinking about the rumors that she still does that and-
"I take it this isn't a social call." she says, nodding to his cloak, and shit, this is business isn't it?
He straightens up and tenses.
"Just come with us peacefully." he orders.
She smirks and there is something dancing in her eyes and she slides into stance.
"Kisame, you're gonna learn that it takes some work to make me come." and damn if that isn't the hottest line he has ever heard to start a fight. Blood lust sings in his veins, accompanied by something that feels kind of like it as well.
The fight is fierce and somewhere halfway through she gets a pack on her back and her meteor hammer in her hands. She leads them away from the tiny village and into the woods. The whole time he can barely take his eyes off that stupid, damnable thing she is wearing. At one point her pants slip down a little further when she is racing towards him in the air and he discovers that the back is nothing but string. His distraction costs him and he ends up in a choke-hold, his neck between her thighs, his face in her crotch, the air beings driven from his lungs, and he thinks he might be okay with dying like this.
Itachi eventually knocks her out with a kunai to the back of the head and just gives him this look. The look an overindulgent parent gives their child, or an exasperated friend gives their drunk buddy. He feels like he should be giving the kid that look, not the other way around.
"It wasn't what it looked like, I swear." he says, shamefaced.
Itachi doesn't answer and he spends the whole trip carrying an extra pack with his childhood friend's limp body in his arms, which he is desperately trying not to think about.
When they reach base Itachi practically teleports from his side and he is forced to deliver the package to his boss, their real boss. The masked man gives him a look he can almost feel through the mask, like he knows exactly what happened, and takes the body without a word. The swordsman retreats to his rooms directly afterward to recuperate and definitely not think about his old friend and how she had been able to use a full scorpion kick during the fight.
Itachi, meanwhile, starts a betting pool.
"I'm not sure if I believe this." grumbles out the blond terrorist, his eyes narrowed at the Uchiha.
"I don't know, I think it's possible." Konan replies, idly stirring her tea with chakra. "She did give him the key to finding her."
"That's some fairytale bullshit, that's what that is." spits Hidan, leaning back in his chair, his legs on the tabletop.
"No, no, I don't believe she isn't, like, an actual mermaid or something. No scales? No gills? Didn't the rumors say she was really good in water?" the bomber asks, doggedly pursuing the answer, "Like, totally normal, yeah?"
Itachi nods solemnly.
"I'm betting that she's actually not, like, she has some crazy other form. I bet that they both are gross sea monsters and they make disgusting sea monster babies. Put my money on that, un." he says, placing a bag of coins on the table.
"I bet she joins, but she doesn't sleep with our local mist shinobi." Konan says, placing another bet on the table.
Hidan slaps down an overflowing purse as well, grinning like a maniac.
"I bet that we find them fucking bumping uglies in six months, top" he declares. Itachi procures his buy in from his sleeve and places it with the rest.
"I bet it ends badly." he says.
Kisame rolls over, warm and rested. Something next to him grunts and wriggles closer, snaking a hand onto his chest. His eyes snap open and he grabs the offending appendage, flipping the intruder underneath him and pinning their arm to their back. He leans over them, pushing their arm up and letting them support his weight. A whimper sounds through the morning air and a waterfall of black hair falls against his sheets.
"Kisame!" a familiar voice protests, muffled by the pillow their face is shoved into.
"Ryuishi?" he mumbles, blinking the sleep from his eyes.
"Yes!" she shouts into feather down
"Are you in my bed?"
"Yes!"
"Are you wearing my shirt?" he grumbles out, squinting at the pool of fabric slipping down her spine.
"Yes."
He feels the slide of smooth legs against his and he is suddenly alert for a whole different reason.
"Are you wearing pants?" he whispers, alarmed, and dismayed.
"...No?" she answers, her voice unsure. As if she forgot if she was wearing pants or not.
"Please tell me you're joking right now." he groans, slumping.
"I don't want to talk about my pants or lack thereof until your morning wood is someplace other than my thigh Kisame."
Panicked, he shoves her away and sends her tumbling off the bed with a yelp. Standing, her back to him, she ruffles her hair.
"I'm going to eat breakfast and pretend this didn't happen." she intones darkly, walking to the door in a rushed pace. As she exits, Kisame spies a flash of black strings around her hips and a full, round cheek before she pulls his shirt down.
She didn't even put pants on.
He groans and flops back down, regretting the nights the trio had shared bedrolls in their youth. Why did she think it was okay to do the same years later? What could have possibly made her think that it would be safe?
Movement catches his eyes and he turns his gaze to the bed beside his, where Itachi is sitting up and staring at him with a blank face.
He wants to die.
He should have known better to bring her here, it's all her fault that his partner is looking at him like that.
Her and that stupid G-string.
AU: AGAIN THIS IS NON CANON CRACK. THIS IS NOT PART OF THE STORY. THIS IS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE CRACK. Please enjoy.
Also, thank you to aturnofthepage for editing this. I also want to apologize for writing this, but there was a prompt, and this happened and it spiraled out of control. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for writing this garbage.
Sorry for this crack. This NON-CANON CRACK. OTRATS CRACK AU.