6 Years Ago

Max nodded, wrapping the blanket around herself, as she flipped through a photo album with Sharon.

"I miss him so much, Max."

Max nodded, swallowing back her tears, as she looked at the pictures of Kenny as a child. Oh, I miss you…I just want one more kiss, him to hold my hand and…I can't do this. How could he just leave me alone with our kids? He never got to even meet Nat. Regan will never remember how much he loved her, how she learned to swim with him, and what a softie she made her tough guy dad. This isn't fair, I'll never get over it and…No.

"You are home with us now. We'll always take care of you and the kids."

Max nodded, not being able to stop her tears from flowing, as she sunk back into the couch cushions.

"You two have to stop," Melanie said, watching from the doorway. "Max, stop. Look at me. Kenny wouldn't want you to do this. I know it's only been six months, and I know how much you're hurting. You need to get it together. Regan and Natalie need you. Kenny would want you to be okay, he loved you so much, and would be dragging you off the couch himself if he could."

"But he can't."

"Oh, Max," Melanie said, handing her a tissue. "Mom, stop doing this to her. Come on, you're going to take a shower, then we're getting your kids dressed and we're going to the park. No arguments. Come on."

Present:

They stared at each other across the kitchen table with that revelation, before Max burst into giggles and buried her face in her hands again. "I'm sorry…it's just…John."

"Ah, come here," he said, pulling her up and hugging her tightly. "They're not walking back in on us?"

Max buried her face in his chest, as he rubbed her back and tried to control her laughter. I can't move, she thought, I need to get it together right now. I just told him that…Oh. Tell him again. Get it together, she thought, as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. Oh, I do love him…I didn't expect it, I wasn't looking for this. Taking a long breath, she wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him. "I love you, John."

"Twice in two minutes?" he teased, breaking into a grin. "I love you too."

She kissed him for a long moment, overwhelmed by the day and what they had just said. "Now what?"

"I think we had a mini-golf date with those kids upstairs?" he said. This is big for her, let her feel it out, process it…she's going to have some doubt and regrets…let her. Be there for her. "Loser buys ice cream?"

"Oh, it's a deal," she said, not wanting to leave his snug embrace, as he kissed her again. "We should stop."

"Seriously, Dad," Kara sighed, as Regan and Nat trailed behind her into the kitchen. "Let Max breathe."

"Kiss her!" Nat piped up, hugging Regan. "Kiss her again!"

"Want to be the tiebreaker, Regan?" John asked, seeing Max flush. "Your mom is turning pretty red."

"Grandma hit you in the head for kissing my mom," Regan stated. "Is Grandma mad at you for kissing John, Mom?"

Max shifted slightly in John's arms, so she wasn't pressed so tightly against him. Oh, how do I explain this to her? "She was surprised, Regan. I hadn't told her yet."

"But why should she be mad because you and John like kissing each other?"

Because I'm still just Kenny's widow in her eyes…and she wants me on her couch, looking at pictures, videos, crying over him. He would hate if I did that, I know that deep down in my gut. "It's complicated."

"Mom, I'm not dumb."

"Your grandma loves you dad," Kara said. "And if your mom and my dad are together, she thinks that her and you two won't want to spend time with her. My grandma, both of them, did the same thing with me and Dad. I don't remember my mom, like you don't remember your dad, and I think it's why it's easier for us than it is for our grandmas and our parents. Does that make any sense, Regan?"

Regan nodded, as she looked back at Max and John. "It's why Grandma is so sad and makes us sad?"

Damn, Kara, Max thought, she hit the nail on the head with that. Easing out of John's arms, she gulped back her tears as Regan ran to her and hugged her tightly. "I think so, Kiddo."

Regan looked at her seriously. "I like when you're happy, Mom, like when we spend time with John and Kara. Is he going to be mine and Nat's dad? Are you going to be Kara's mom?"

5 Years Ago

Max looked at herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom. I'm better than this. What did I do to myself? Too thin, my hair a stringy mess, unemployed…this is not me. I can barely take care of my kids, much less myself. Kenny would hate that I did this to myself. Damn it, Max, get it together.

"Mommy?"

"Hey, Kiddo," she said, wrapping her arms around Regan. "How is my favorite two-year old?"

"Mommy, you smell bad. Like Nat's diapers."

That's my girl, she thought, I need to be okay for her. I can do this. "Okay. Well, I'm going to shower, clean up, and why don't you, me and Nat go to the park? Just the three of us."

Regan hugged her tighter and touched her greasy hair. "I love you, Mommy."

Max squeezed her back. "Oh, I love you too, Regan. So much."

Present:

Way too heavy, Max thought, looking at Regan. Eight months, with the first few being very slow and us feeling it out. John is wonderful with them, but…Crap. "I think that is a conversation for another day. How about mini-golf and ice cream?"

"Yes!" Natalie said, running to John and tugging on his hand. "Can I have a piggyback ride, John? Please?"

This is something we have to talk about, he thought, catching her eye and seeing a bit of panic. Ah, Max, stay with me here. Mini-golf, sugar, sleep on it. "Come on up, Nat."

5 Years ago

"Max, you can stay," Sharon said. "Why do you want to leave? It's so far away…If you want to buy a house, there are several right down the street. Your whole family is here."

Because I'm sad here. Just like in Rome, surrounded by memories that still crush me. "You know, it's 20 minutes from here by train. It's such a sweet little bungalow, with a yard, a good school system, parks, and…I need to do this, Sharon. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet again and provide for my kids. I can't live off my…god, my widow benefits, forever. They can let me afford this for them."

"Give her some space, Sharon," Hank said, taking stock of his daughter-in-law, who had finally put on some of the weight she lost and cut her hair. "Max, you know you always have a home with us. You and the girls."

She nodded at that. I need to breathe, I can't here. They've been so wonderful to me, and Sharon is sitting here sobbing. She lost her son, I lost my husband…this isn't fair and it would be so easy to curl up into a ball and cry again. For my kids. This is for them. "I know. We'll be here every Sunday night."

Present:

"Big day, huh?" John said, watching as their three girls split a giant sundae. "That thing is a huge bribe."

She winced a bit at that. "I know. I'll foot their therapy bill for it."

He wrapped his arm around her on the ice cream shop porch swing, as their girls giggled at the table together. "Kara and Regan are pretty sharp."

"When Kara said all that to Regan? God, John, she is amazing, she has to be the most put together 15-year old on the planet. She was right. And Regan? She point blank told me she wouldn't go to her grandparents again until Sharon stopped sobbing over Kenny's old socks."

"Does she?"

"He won the state basketball championships wearing them in high school," Max trailed off. It's not like I don't do the same thing, sometimes. I have a trunk of his things…important things, pictures and…put away for my girls. I moved on…God, I really have. "Damn it."

He squeezed her tightly and passed her a tissue. "It's okay."

She wiped her tears and shook her head. "I'm not crying over Kenny…I just realized I really moved on."

"You're just realizing that?" John asked, glancing back toward their kids. "Max, you've been moving on for years."

"I faked it for awhile and cried myself to sleep. It got real, and I did."

He smiled at her and tugged on her ponytail. "You okay?"

She let out a long breath. "I think so…it's not just this, us, either. I'm good. Really."

"It's you admitting it to yourself?"

"Get out of my head," she sighed. "Yeah. And not turning into a blubbering mess."

"Mommy!" Nat called, running over and jumping in her lap. "I'm going to throw up."

"Nat," she said, jumping up and grabbing her hand, as she vomited all over John, before bursting into tears against her leg. "Oh, Sweetie, it's okay."

5 Years Ago:

"What do you think, Kiddos?" Max asked, as they sat on the new couch in the living room. "Do you approve, Regan?"

She snuggled in close to her, as Max bounced a giggling Natalie on her knee. "No Grandma?"

"Nope, just the three of us," she said, leaning back with Nat, and not bursting into tears over that. Just us. We're good here. This bungalow, with its hardwood floors, white walls, all that ornate woodwork, with this huge fireplace and a yard. It's our home now…Kenny would have approved. No, stop it Max, it's just you now and I approve of it. "And I painted you a stellar yellow room."

Regan smiled and hugged her. "I love you, Mommy. Nat too."

Do not cry, she commanded herself, as she hugged both of her girls and looked at the new furniture and the boxes of stuff she had actually kept and stored from their old life. It's so much…one day at a time, that's all I can do. "Why don't the three of us order a pizza and start putting your room away?"

Present:

"Are you going to be Regan and Nat's Dad?" Kara asked, watching as he cleaned the vomit off his pants. "You and Max brushed that off pretty quickly."

"Max and I have only been dating for eight months."

"Come on, Dad," she said, looking toward the bathroom where Max was cleaning up Nat with Regan. "You are so in love with her. I'm not a kid like them. It's so romantic that you two found each other again."

"You do know Max was never my girlfriend in Rome? She was this really prickly deputy, who was great at irritating and aggravating me."

"I thought you were friends?"

"Ah, we were. She just knew how to push my buttons."

"I like her, Dad. She makes you smile. Did you know her husband?"

He looked at the bathroom door and back to Kara. "I did. We all worked together. He was a good guy. I know how much Max loved him and how happy they were."

"They really like you…Dad, you're the best dad. And if you want to be their dad, I'd be cool with that."

How did she get so grown up? I blinked and suddenly she's 15, telling me all this? "I'll take that under advisement."

"Stop being a lawyer, Dad," she said, jumping up. "Nat!"

John looked up, smiling to himself as Kara crossed the porch to them and taking Regan's hand in hers, as Nat pressed close to Max's side. Standing slowly, he walked across to them. "Hey, how you feeling, Kiddo?"

"I wanna go home."

Max rubbed her back, squeezing her tightly to her, as she threw up on John's shoes this time. "That's where we're going, Sweetie. Oh, Nat, Honey, get it all out."

John ignored the stench, squatted down next to her and wiped her face. "Pretty gross, huh?"

She nodded, her eyes welling up with tears as he unzipped his sweatshirt and wrapped it around her. "Sorry."

He caught Max's eye, as he picked up a sick and sleepy Natalie. "The keys are in my pocket, Honey. Let's get her home, okay?"

5 Years Ago:

"This is charming," Hank said, as she relented to hosting Sunday dinner. "You've done a really nice job with it, Max."

She leaned up against the counter and took a long sip of her wine. "I'm really liking it too. It's a great neighborhood."

"You've made friends here?"

Superficially, she thought, ones I can be this new Max with. Single mom, child advocate, and for whatever reason I joined a book club and knitting circle with some of them. The ones that don't see me as just Kenny's widow or that balled up mess on the couch. "Some. The girls too, they love their preschool, I like my job. I'm doing good."

"Are you dating anyone?"

She choked on her wine and spit in the sink. Wiping her mouth, she stared at him with that. "What? No. God, no. I can't imagine…It's way too soon, I don't know when it will ever not be too soon. I can't ever imagine wanting to. Hank, Kenny was the love of my life."

"You're way too young to be thinking like that way. Kenny wouldn't want you too."

"Kenny isn't here anymore," she said softly, gulping back her tears and wrapping her arms around herself. He died. He left me here all alone with our kids. Stop it, Max, he died saving those kids lives. He didn't want to leave us. "I miss him."

Hank hugged his daughter in law for a long moment. "I know you do. You always will. You need to allow yourself to be happy again. Not just for the girls, but for you too."

Present:

"How are you feeling, Kiddo?" Max asked, stroking back Nat's dark hair. "No more tummy ache?"

She shook her head and snuggled in close to her mom. "Does John hate me?"

Max hugged her close and shook her head. John who carried my baby to the car, all wrapped up in his sweatshirt and into the house, after he left his vomit covered shoes in the parking lot. John who tucked her in, after I helped her shower it all off, while Regan and Kara watched a movie. John who gave Regan a big hug, kissed me good-night, oh how I wanted him to stay. "No. John really likes you and Regan, Nat. A little vomit won't change that."

"It was a lot. Mommy?"

My little ball of sunshine, she thought, smoothing out her hair. "Nat?"

"Is John going to be my Daddy? You didn't answer Regan last night."

Max gulped at that. I don't know how to answer it. "Well, John is my very special friend. Past that, I don't know yet."

"Mommy, you love him, and he loves you."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you kiss him."

John is a very good kisser, she thought, and the sex…I really like our sex life. I love him. God, I do love him. Their Daddy…That is something I'm not ready to deal with…it's only been eight months. "Is your tummy up for breakfast? Maybe a big plate of veggies?"

"Mommy!"

"Something good for your poor tummy."

"Mommy, no!"

"All green and crunchy?"

"Mommy, stop being silly."

Max smiled, as Natalie snuggled in closer to her and hugged. "How pancakes? Those big fluffy ones?"

Natalie nodded, climbing out of her mother's bed, and pulling on her hand. "Come on, Mommy."

She groaned internally at the doorbell. It's way too early on a Sunday for this. Pulling back her hair in a ponytail, she looked back at her six-year old. "Tell you what, go brush your teeth, and I'll see who that is."

"Is it John? Are you going to kiss him?"

Max smiled at that. It's way too early, and he's having breakfast with his Mom. That we bowed out of last night when Nat got sick. "Yup. For a long time."

Natalie giggled, as Max jogged down the stairs to the front door. Please not Sharon and Hank…I can't this early. Or that garden club lady. Wrenching the door open. "Hi."

"My mother is having a nervous breakdown," Melanie stated. "What did you do?"

"Do you want coffee?" Max asked. "I really need some right now."

"Can you add a shot to it?"

Max smiled at that, despite everything. "That I can swing. Maybe even two."

"Who is he?" she asked, sitting at her breakfast bar. "Mom is calling you a slut for cheating on Kenny…betraying your marriage, the whole fire and brimstone thing…especially because he's black. She's going on about that too. Why do they still have a key?"

"I don't know. I wasn't exactly in my right mind then," she said, sliding her a cup of coffee. "I have kalua and whiskey."

"Since when do you drink whiskey? Oh, is it his? Your black lover likes whiskey? Heavy pour, Max, she's driving me nuts. See, she's calling now. Ignore. Spill it. Not the whiskey. About him."

Max took a long drink of her non-spiked coffee and looked at her sister in law. "Do you really want to hear this?"

"Kenny was my big brother, and I loved him. I know how happy you two were and how miserable…we're friends. He would want you to be happy. You know that. Don't start crying. You can't make pancakes if you're sobbing."

She shook her head and swallowed back her tears. "His name is John. He is a legal aid lawyer. He lives two streets over from us and has a teenage daughter. Yes, it's his whiskey and he is black. My kids adore him, they're on swim team with Kara, his daughter, and."

"And what?" she asked, as Max looked away. "Wait…John the lawyer? They guy you knew at Rome and ran into at the pool? That John? The one that you two used to work with?"

"That John."

"Kenny knew him."

"We were all friends. Kenny and I were cops and he was the district attorney. What?"

"The two of you…back in Rome, were you with him?"

"What? No, God, no. He was a friend, when he wasn't antagonizing me. We argued a lot, we had a lot of different ideas and opinions on cases. No, we weren't…just no."

"What happened? Why now?"

2 Years Ago:

"Hey, Neighbor."

"Do you know I've lived here for almost four years and never ran into you?" Max said, as they looked at each other in the liquor store. "Now, I swear, it's every other day I see you."

At the pool he thought, the grocery store, out at the park with her kids, even with her new friends…I'm not sure what to make of this Max. She is still prickly, a huge softie with her kids, and I think it took her a long time to pull herself together. "Do you want to grab dinner sometime this week? Post swim practice or something? I promised Kara a trip to Paco's Tacos."

"We don't want to intrude."

"Max, come on. We're friends, right? I think Regan won Kara over."

"Regan has that effect on people. Yeah, tacos would be great. You know I can't resist greasy food. Oh, and this basket of booze isn't all for me. Hank and Sharon are hosting a bigger than usual dinner on Sunday and…yeah."

"You look thrilled."

She broke into a genuine grin. "No, it'll be fun. Really. It's the whole family, the girls love their cousins. It's all their family friends too."

"You look thrilled," he repeated.

She smiled and shook her head. "Sharon called me last night and…she cried on the phone for an hour and I'm not this cold and heartless…I put her on speaker and did the dishes, and food prepped for the week. She drains me, emotionally, and then I feel guilty because they took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself."

"Don't apologize to me," he said. "Max, come on, don't be ashamed that you can focus on the good of it, and not dwell on the loss. Come on, pay for that basket of booze, and I'll buy you a hot dog unless you have to run off to garden club."

She groaned, as she unpacked her basket on the counter. "Garden club is going to kill me. If I don't kill the plants first. I don't know what I was thinking with that one. The book club is at least an excuse to day drink wine."

I like her, he thought, she's still prickly, but there is something different. It's how she's such a softie with her kids…it would have been so easy for her to be overprotective and shelter them, but…instead she really lets them follow their own path, even as young as they are. That she is trying new things, the Max I knew would have scoffed at book and garden clubs, that she makes a real effort with Kenny's family, she really likes advocating for children, still prickly, hardheaded, stubborn, she's guarding her heart, even when she smiles at me like that. "You need an excuse for wine? We've killed a few bottles on your porch."

She smiled back at him, his teasing warming her from within. No, Max, no, don't even think that. This is John Littleton, who somehow has become one of my closest friends. "You are welcome anytime to drink on my porch with me."

"It's a great porch. I'm taking you up on that. What are you doing Saturday post swim meet?"

"I'm hosting a sleepover…Regan's first one. I have eight six-year-olds coming over to sleep in my basement. I am out of mind, John…they're going to realize they out number me and you may never see me again. It's going to be like Lord of Flies."

His grin broadened as she locked her booze in the car. She is adorable, and she'd hate that. "With Regan leading them to victory? You better enjoy this hot dog. It may be our last meal together."

She smiled up at him, fighting a flickering urge deep down inside of herself, as she realized how close they were standing. Not him. He's not like the random guys I've been sleeping with…that I don't talk about. Just random sex. "Then I'm getting chili on mine."

He reached out, before he could think better of it and took her hand in his. Crap, what am I doing? Smiling at her, he caught her look of surprise. "This way, My Friend."

TBC