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I do not own Criminal Minds

When JJ woke up the next morning Emily was gone. She rolled over and looked at the empty space in the bed beside her. She almost couldn't believe that the night before was real. She had finally told Emily how she felt, and not only had Emily not rejected her, she had also felt the same. JJ could still almost taste Emily's lips; sweet and just slightly chapped.

She sighed before getting up, it was time to go to work, although ideally she would have just lied in bed forever with the memories of last night.

After changing into her work clothes JJ's walked into the kitchen, expecting to see Emily there with a cup of coffee in hand, but the room was empty. JJ checked the guest room and the bathroom in case she had gone in either, but just as with the kitchen, empty.

"Emily?" She called out while looking to see if Emily had left a note telling her where she had gone. With no response, JJ pulled out her phone and called her, letting the phone ring until it reached voicemail. She left a short message and hung up.

Emily had probably just gone to the store, or the library, or on a walk.

But JJ couldn't stop the sinking feeling that Emily had left because of last night. That she regretted being with her or that she thought it had all been a mistake. That she didn't want to be with JJ. She tried calling again, this time hanging up before she heard Emily's voice mail.

It's nothing, JJ tried to convince herself. But she didn't believe that.

XXX

The bench Emily sat on was still wet with dew. She looked out at the lake and bit her lip. The sun had now risen past the tree line. Emily had been up since nearly four. She had gone to bed with JJ feeling amazing, it was everything she had ever dreamt of. But then she woke up in the dark room, only the sound of JJ's soft breathing could be heard. And then she had seen JJ, so peaceful in her sleep and so goddamn beautiful.

And then came the crushing guilt.

For years she had imagined being with JJ, being able to hold her, and now it had finally happened. And Emily felt terrible. She had been happy, happier than she had been in a long time, and that had lasted until she woke up in the middle of the night.

Because she didn't deserve this. Happiness, or love, or JJ, or any of it. She didn't deserve it. She shouldn't even be alive–not when so many others had died. While she had been lying in bed with JJ last night, six of her agents had been laying in caskets.

Emily watched as a duck glided across the lake, followed by six ducklings. They swam to the edge and climbed out and then waddled over to the tall grass. She stayed there, just staring out at the lake. The sun rose higher in the sky and the air around her began to warm.

Finally Emily stood and walked back to her car. She drove around for awhile, no destination in mind, just not ready to go back to the house. Then, without really thinking about it, she pulled up to the gates of the cemetery and waited for them to open.

She parked her car and walked down the winding path. Her leg hurt, and even with the help of her cane she grimaced with the movement.

There was a light breeze and a great deal of shade. She had been here only once before, a few months after she had come out of hiding. The gravestone had still been there. Her gravestone. It was gone now, replaced with another.

The first time she had seen her name engraved in the stone, it had almost been too much. Like when she had seen her own picture on the FBI wall of fallen agents.

She tried not to think about that night, but when she did, she thought about how close she had come to dying. If Derek had been just a minute later, she may have bled out on that cement floor. She had been in and out of consciousness at that point, but she still remembered his words. They had stuck with her even after all that time.

She stood there, just staring out. All the graves, all the lives once lived. More than once she had come close to being alongside them. Yet somehow she always managed to stay.

She had missed their funerals because she had still been in the hospital. She hadn't been able to pay her respects.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.