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I do not own Criminal Minds

JJ had called Emily another three times while at the office. They all went to voicemail. By the time JJ was driving back from the BAU her body was tense and her stomach was in knots.

What if Emily thought it had been a mistake?

What if she didn't come back?

Thoughts had been circling JJ's mind all day.

When she pulled up to her house she was surprised to see Emily's rental parked in the driveway. JJ grabbed her bag and locked the car behind her. She opened the front door and walked inside.

She was quiet, listening.

She saw Emily's cellphone sitting on the dining room table. She set her bag down and walked down the hall. Her own door was open and the room empty, so she knocked on the guest room door.

It creaked open and Emily looked back at her.

She had clearly just gotten out of the shower, her hair was still wet and her usually pale skin pink from the hot water. JJ noticed the exhaustion on her face. But other than that, she couldn't read anything in the other woman's expression.

"Hey," was all that JJ could think to say.

"Hey back."

"Can we talk?" JJ asked.

Emily opened the door wide enough for her to step in the hallway and then closed it behind herself. She stood there, looking at JJ, trying to keep it inside. Trying to keep the guilt and uncertainty and confusion and fear away. Trying not to let JJ see everything that was building inside of her.

"Should we sit?" JJ asked.

Emily used her cane for support as she followed JJ down the hall and to the couch. They sat beside each other, JJ was turned slightly so she could look at Emily. Emily's expression was still neutral and it made JJ nervous. Because she knew something was there, but it was something Emily wasn't letting her see.

"Did I– did I do something wrong last night?" JJ blurted out.

"What?" Emily's eyes widened, "no, not at all."

"Then what happened?" JJ asked, "why did you leave?"

"I don't know, Jayje," Emily shook her head, "this–you–this is everything I've ever..." she stopped.

JJ waited. She sat there, her eyes locked on the woman beside her.

Emily sighed, "when I joined the BAU, you were the only person who made me feel welcome." A phantom of a smile crossed her lips, "and I remember, that first time I saw you, thinking how beautiful you were. And then we started to work together, and I saw how intelligent and caring and good at your job you were. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with you," she whispered.

JJ was frozen. Hearing Emily say those words in any other situation would have made her ecstatic. But right now, here, the way Emily spoke, the way she clutched her hands together, picking at her nails, it wasn't right. Something wasn't right, but JJ couldn't figure out what it was.

"I don't understand, Em, if this, if this is how you feel, then what happened?"

Emily looked down at her hands, "you deserve someone who can make you happy, JJ. You deserve someone good."

"And that's why I want you," JJ breathed, "because you make me happy. And you make me feel a way I never have before. It's you, for a long time, it's been you."

"How could you want me?" Emily asked.

"How could I not?" JJ gently used her fingers to lift Emily's chin, "I have never met anyone who fights so hard to protect people as you do. Who is as intelligent and as thoughtful and as passionate as you are."

Emily looked back at JJ, looked into her eyes. She listened to JJ's words and tried to believe them.

"And I know," JJ held her gaze, "that sometimes it's hard to remember that even when we do our very best, when we do everything we can, that sometimes we can't always save the day. But that doesn't mean we didn't try. And that doesn't mean what happens is our fault."

Emily bit her lip and her eyes glistened with tears. Because somehow JJ knew just what to say. Somehow JJ always knew just what to say.

"And whatever's happened, Emily, you are not alone. I don't ever want you to think that you are. You don't have to fight this on your own. And you don't deserve this pain."

A tear slipped down Emily's cheek.

"And I'm here, Emily, I'm here." JJ took Emily's hands in hers and Emily gripped them tightly.

Maybe she didn't have to keep this inside. Maybe she didn't have to do this alone.

"There was a case," she whispered, "right before I came here. It was bad."

"What happened?" JJ asked gently.

Emily took in a breath, but she couldn't say more. Because every time she thought about it, the guilt and shame choked her. She couldn't say it. Not to JJ. She tried to speak, but nothing would come out. Her breaths came fast, she couldn't breathe. She was choking. Gasping for air.

JJ's hand was suddenly on her back, rubbing it gently, having her lean forward, "it's okay," JJ said, "you're okay. Just breathe, nice and slow. In and out."

Emily closed her eyes and listened to JJ's voice, following her directions, until she could breathe again.

"What do you need?" JJ asked, her warm hand still resting against Emily's back.

"I don't know," Emily whispered. Because all she wanted right now was to forget. To forget and be with JJ. To make this feeling go away.

What she needed was for it to have never happened.

But it had.

It had.

And now she was left with this. This feeling. One she deserved, but one she was trying so desperately to keep away. The nightmares. The flashbacks.

And she didn't know what she needed.

All she knew what that she wanted it to go away.

She needed these feelings to go away.

Even if it was just for a minute.

She needed a minute without the pain. She needed a minute where she could breathe.

But talking brought it back. Saying their names just brought back images of their deaths. Reminded her of how she couldn't save them. Reminded her of how she had failed them. Talking brought back the pain. And she just needed a minute.

And Emily didn't realize she was crying until she felt JJ's arm around her.

"I can't," she gasped, "I can't, I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," JJ whispered as she held Emily close, "we don't have to talk about it. Not until you're ready. Whatever happened, whatever's hurting you, you're not alone. Even if you can't talk about it yet, I'm here. I'm always here."

And JJ held Emily in her arms as she cried. She held her close and whispered to her gently. And JJ's heart broke. It broke to see the woman she loved in so much pain. And all that she wanted to do was take that pain away.

But it wouldn't be that easy. JJ knew that.

"I love you," she whispered.