Hello, I hope you're all having a good weekend! I hope you enjoy the chapter!

I forgot to mention this earlier, but for all medical related writing (in all chapters), I did my best research, but I apologize for any inaccuracies/errors.

I do not own Criminal Minds

Emily was awake, and the doctor said she was out of immediate danger, but she was still in the hospital, still fighting the infection, and still hooked to two IVs. Emily's bed was adjusted so that she was sitting up and JJ sat beside her, her head propped up using her elbow. She brushed Emily's hair away from her face and let the tips of her fingers brush gently against her skin.

"Why don't you try to sleep?" JJ suggested, "I'll stay right here if you want."

Emily turned and looked at her, "or you could stay right there and I could stay awake."

"You need your rest, Em."

Emily moved so that her arm was against JJ's body. JJ could still feel the warmth radiating off of her, but it was nothing compared to what it had been the day before. JJ adjusted herself so that Emily could lean against her.

"What're you thinking about?" She spoke softly into Emily's ear.

Emily was silent for a moment before speaking, her voice uncertain with just a barely noticeable quiver, "what if I don't wake up?"

"Oh, Em," JJ said, holding her close, "the doctor's say you're getting better."

"But what if I can't wake up? What if I'm trapped again?"

JJ looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes. "I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Emily. But you can talk to me, okay? You can tell me what happened and I will do whatever I can to help you."

Emily blinked and a tear slipped down her cheek. She bit her lip and her brows drew together as she looked at JJ. As she looked at one of the few people who had ever loved her. And she thought of the love and acceptance and comfort JJ had given her.

And as hard and as painful as it was to talk, Emily didn't know how much longer she could go without. She didn't know how much longer she could keep it inside. "I did head up the London office," she said finally, "but I was only there for a few months. That's not why Easter brought me back, that wasn't why Interpol wanted me."

"If you weren't at the London office, where were you?" JJ asked gently.

Emily sighed, "they wanted me undercover, that was why they brought me back, to profile. I worked undercover on a few cases before the one that brought me to the states. After that case... after it ended..." Emily took a few shallow breaths, "I was promoted to a handler and I was given my own team."

JJ could hear the pain in Emily's words, see it in her eyes.

"My case, the case I was given... we were going after a group of human traffickers in Romania. They would kidnap young men and women to sell. Our intelligence told us there were likely individuals with positions of power involved, so we had to send in a team to gather information. They went undercover in Romania until they were taken to be trafficked."

JJ said nothing, she simply waited for Emily to continue.

"I haven't... I haven't talked about this since I gave my statement to Interpol."

"It's okay," JJ whispered, continuing to gently stroke Emily's hair.

Emily looked away and wrapped her arms around her own body. "They were deep cover for a couple weeks. We had gotten bugs inside of the building that we were monitoring. Collecting information, names, locations, that sort of thing. But then..." Emily trailed off, shaking her head, "I don't know what happened, I don't know how they got it."

"How they got what?" JJ pulled Emily close.

"Their identities. All of them. My agents," Emily's voice shook, "their identities were compromised. I couldn't leave them in there. We went in, me and four other agents, but when we got there, everyone was gone. Only my undercover agents were in the building, I should have known, I shouldn't have let my team in the building. I should have figured it out."

Emily's face was still turned away, but her voice was thick with tears. She shivered beneath JJ's arm.

"My undercover agents were all gagged and tied up in a far room. But as soon as we got there, as soon as I was close enough to see their faces, their eyes... the first bomb went off and they were gone. There was nothing... they were..." Emily struggled to speak.

"I'm so sorry," JJ whispered.

Emily jerked her head side to side, "we tried to get out, but they had put bombs at the doorway. When we... when we got to the van..." she brought her hand to her face and held it there, covering her eyes, "Diaz was already gone. Rogers bled out on the floor."

"Oh, Em."

"I lost six agents," she choked out, "no one knows... no one knows what happened. How the undercover agents were made. They're investigating me, I'm suspended. I was responsible for them and they died."

"Emily, this is not your fault," JJ said, trying to look at her.

"It is," she wiped away her tears, "I should have realized what was happening. I should be dead, not them. This is on me."

"No," JJ said firmly, "it is on the people who did this. The people who set the bombs. They are the ones who killed your agents, not you."

"Everytime I close my eyes, every time I let my mind wander, for just a millisecond, it comes back, all of it. The screams, the blood... and I just want it to stop. I want it to go away, I just want," Emily brought her hands to her head, "but I don't deserve that."

"You do not deserve any of this pain," JJ said.

Emily turned her head and looked at JJ and for the first time JJ saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. Emily's eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks flushed, "I wish you were right."

"Emily..." JJ brought her hand up to Emily's face and gently wiped her tears away, "you do not deserve this and it is not your fault. You might not see that now, but I do. I know you would do anything to protect your team. This is not your fault. And I will tell you that over and over again until you believe it."

Emily closed her eyes and another tear slipped down her cheek.

"And I am always here, Em. For whatever you need. I'm so sorry you went through this. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish that I could make everything okay."

Emily shook her head and opened her eyes.

"Is there anything that I can do?"

"Just..."

"Anything."

"Just stay. Here. With me."

"Of course."

Emily adjusted the bed so that the back went down. She laid back and stared at the ceiling. JJ wrapped her arm around her. Emily tried to forget. Tried to close her eyes. But she could see it. Their fear, their blood, their bodies. The guilt.

It sat on her chest and sucked out her air.

She wanted it to go away. She wanted to feel nothing. She wanted to be numb.

She brought her hands to her face and cried in frustration.

JJ pulled her close and held her. "I'm here," she whispered, "and you're here. You're here Em. And I love you. I'll always love you."