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I do not own Criminal Minds

When JJ walked into the kitchen Emily was sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Good morning," JJ smiled. She poured herself a mug of coffee and took a sip, grimacing as she swallowed the cold and bitter coffee. "How long have you been up?" She asked as she dumped the rest of the coffee down the sink.

Emily looked over at the clock, "a few hours."

"Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"

"I'm fine," Emily glanced down at her coffee. She couldn't look JJ in the eye. Because she wanted to tell her. She wanted to tell JJ everything. But she couldn't. Because as much as she was hurting, as much as it hurt to know this and not be able to do anything, some things were still top secret. Some things she just couldn't share.

But JJ noticed.

Because this time Emily didn't do a good job of hiding it.

JJ walked over and sat next to Emily, "hey," she said gently, "what's going on?"

When Emily didn't look at her JJ leaned toward her and turned her head, "Emily?"

Emily bit her lip. She turned her head, but kept her eyes averted, "I'm just... I'm having a bad day."

"Is there anything I can do?" JJ rested her hand on top of Emily's.

Emily shook her head. Then she suddenly sat up and removed her hand from beneath JJ's, "you should go now if you don't want to be late."

"I can stay," JJ said, "I'll call Hotch."

"No," Emily said, finally looking up at her, "I promise I'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" JJ asked. She looked at Emily with concern.

"Yeah," Emily said with a strained smile, "I'll see you tonight."

JJ glanced at the clock and stood slowly, "I love you, Em. Call if you need anything."

Emily nodded.

JJ grabbed her bag and left the house. When she got in her car, she sat there for a moment before she pulled out her cellphone.

XXX

Emily heard the car pull out of the driveway and stared at her coffee. It was happening again. Her team, her friends, the life she had created, everything, it was in danger. It could have been random, this man targeting her team first, but she knew it wasn't. Deep down she knew. Because he knew about Doyle, and he knew about her, and he knew about her team.

And he had killed her Interpol team.

And he was somewhere, somewhere with the names and identities of agents all over the world and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. This man who had killed her team. This man who was putting hundreds of agents in harm's way. Threatening her family.

Emily didn't realize that her hand had begun shaking. The mug she gripped shook and coffee sloshed out of it. Then she drew back her arm and threw the mug across the kitchen. It hit the wall and fell to the floor, breaking into large pieces. She stared at the dent. The coffee on the floor. The shards of ceramic.

There was a knock at the door.

Emily jerked up, listening closely. Her gun was still in the drawer of the bedside table in the guest room. To get it she would have to pass by the front door. She was trying to judge whether she'd be able to get it in time when there was a shout.

"Emily, it's me, Derek! I know you're in there, come let me in!"

Emily sighed, annoyed at herself and at Derek. She stood and limped to the front door, looking out the window before she opened it. "What?"

"Still not a morning person, I see," he raised a brow.

"What are you doing here, it's eight o'clock."

"I was up and thought I'd stop by."

"JJ called you, didn't she."

"C'mon, let me in. I think the neighbors are starting to stare."

Emily stepped aside, her question answered. They walked into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw the dent in the wall and the broken mug on the floor. "What happened here?"

"Slipped," Emily shrugged.

"I guess I could just pretend I believe you for the moment. Let's get this off the floor before someone steps on it." He picked up the large pieces and threw them away. Then he wiped up the coffee and the smaller pieces. "I have stuff to fix up this dent at one of my properties. If we go now we can easily have it fixed before JJ gets home."

Emily agreed and they got in Derek's car. As he drove to his property, Emily kept her eyes on his side mirror, watching the traffic around them.

"Do you want me to get interesting with my driving?" Derek asked, a brow raised.

"That's never a bad idea."

Derek took a sharp right, "so, do you wanna tell me what's going on?"

She did. But she couldn't. "Do you ever regret leaving the BAU?"

Derek thought for a moment before answering, "sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not helping the BAU. But a wise man once asked me, and you better not let it leak that I just called Rossi wise, 'where can you do the most good, and still do yourself the least harm?'

"The BAU, Interpol, they're not easy. Why do you think so many people have left the BAU? I wasn't doing myself the least harm there anymore. Does that make sense?" He looked over at Emily who nodded.

"There is always going to be another UNSUB, but there is also always going to be more people to catch them. One day you won't work for Interpol, and JJ, Garcia, Hotch, Rossi, Reid, and Lewis will no longer be at the BAU. But there will be others, and they'll stay as long as they can, and then someone else will take their place. Do yourself the least harm, remember? And when you can't anymore, find somewhere else where you can do the most good."

"Do you ever think about leaving?" Derek asked.

"Sometimes," Emily said softly, surprising even herself. She had never really thought about that before. She had never thought of a life where she didn't work for the FBI or Interpol. That had been all she had ever known. She was good at it, she did good, but it was taking something from her.

"There's more than the BAU or Interpol. Look at me," Derek said, "I've got a wife, a son, I never imagined that I would have a family. But I also never imagined that I could ever be this happy."

Emily thought about JJ. They still hadn't really talked about the fact that Emily was going back to London. And Emily didn't want to think about it. She couldn't think about leaving.

"You can trust me, you know that, right?"

"Yeah," Emily whispered, "I know."

"I just want you to be happy Princess, and I can see that right now you're struggling."

Emily looked up and blinked quickly, "I never imagined myself settling down. I was never the type to get married and get a 9 to 5 job."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, but you also don't have to do this. What do you want? What would make you happy?"

"I don't know." Emily had never thought about that before. Her happiness had never been a factor.

"Think about it," Derek said, "just think about it."