Holly bolted up in bed, woken up by a nightmare, her hair sticking to her sweaty face as she tried to catch her breath as she buried her face in her hands. She didn't know that she had woken Jax up until he put his hand on her thigh, which made her jump and scream, putting her hands over her mouth when she realized that she smacked Jax in the face, looking at him apologetically.

"I'm so sorry, Jax. Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to see if you were ok."

"I just had a bad dream. I'll be ok."

"Damn, babe. You got a mean backhand. At least you don't have your rings on."

She hadn't meant to start crying, but she couldn't hold back the sob that bubbled from her throat. She flinched noticeably when Jax held her close to him, leaning into him.

"What happened? You've been ok all day."

"I don't wanna talk about it, Jax. It just hurts."

"What does?"

"I feel like I'm being punished…."

"Punished for what?"

"I got pregnant a few months ago. But there was so much going on and I didn't think either one of us were ready to add that kind of responsibility to our lives. So I went to a clinic…."

"You had an abortion…."

She nodded. She had never meant to tell him that, but she had to tell him something.

"We were dealing with so much with Kohn and Tara and Wendy and club shit…. I'm so sorry, Jax."

She didn't wait for his response before she climbed out of bed and went downstairs, putting on a pair of shoes and went out to her car, climbing in and driving off. She didn't have a destination in mind, she just needed some space. She ended up at Chibs' apartment, going up to his door and knocking. She knew it was late, and she felt bad that she was waking him up.

"Lass? What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Can I crash here tonight?"

"Yeah. Come on in."

She walked inside and rubbed her arm gently, sniffling.

"Does Jax know you're here?"

"No. Nobody does. I just…..I just needed to get away."

"Away from what?"

She let a few more tears fall before looking at him.

"I have a huge secret that I'm sitting on, that I need to tell someone, cause it's not something that you keep secret, but I've been told to keep quiet by the other person that shares this secret. But I have to tell someone or I'm gonna explode. But if I tell you, you have to promise me, on Fiona and Kerrienne's lives, that you won't tell a single soul."

"What could be so bad that I would have to promise something like this?"

"Promise me, Chibs…..I need you to promise me. Right here and right now."

She watched him with panic in her eyes, hoping he would promise. Because she really couldn't keep this secret anymore. She watched him search her eyes, instinctively taking a step back when he moved towards her.

"Alright, lass. I promise."

"Say it the right way."

"I promise on the lives of my wife and daughter that I won't tell anyone what you tell me."

She let out a breath of relief when she heard him. She walked over to the couch and sat down with him, taking a deep breath before she looked down at her hands.

"The night of Bobby's party, when Gemma and I were driving home, we got stopped at a red light. Some girl pulled up behind us, screaming about how her baby was choking on something. Gemma went out to see if she could help and I went to call for an ambulance. I got knocked out and when I came to, I was chained to a dirty mattress and…."

She had to stop and swallow back the emotion choking her. Even when the doctors performed that exam, she hadn't spoken about this. To anyone. This was harder than she thought it was gonna be. She flinched hard when Chibs put his hand on hers, seeing the sympathy on his face felt better than she thought it would. He gave her a nod, silently telling her to go on.

"Gemma was cuffed to a chain link wall. There were three men that came in, wearing masks. The only thing I could see was their eyes, and even then they were hidden pretty well. They….they…."

"They what, lass?"

Without looking at him, she could hear the anger in his voice, knowing he knew what she was about to say without her saying it. When she found the voice to say it, it came out in a whisper.

"They raped us. All three of them. More than once."

Holly woke up a few hours later, feeling someone sit down on the couch and move her feet onto their lap. She jumped a bit and looked over to see Jax rubbing her legs a bit. It looked like he hadn't slept since she left.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me. What are you doing here, Jax?"

"Chibs called and said you had crashed here and that you needed me. I'm not mad at you, darlin'. I understand why you did it and why you didn't tell me. And you're right. We weren't ready. And apparently we're still not. But when the time comes, we'll be ready. It'll happen one day, darlin'. I promise."

She teared up a bit, sniffling softly and itched her nose a bit. She could tell that Chibs kept his promise. So far.

"It just hurts to think about what it would've turned out to be. Would it be a mama's boy or a daddy's girl? Would they have your smile or my hair? Would they love growing up with the club like I did? I had all those thoughts. And then it was all gone. Everything I didn't know I had wanted. I feel like I didn't have time to blink before it was all over."

She let him pull her into a hug. She didn't even have to lie about how she felt about losing the baby. She felt like she was drowning. Like she was enduring one tragedy after another. Like she was trying to breathe but couldn't. And the one person that could always fix her problems, for the first time in her life, he wasn't helping. He wasn't making the situation worse, but he wasn't helping her. She couldn't find the comfort in him that she usually did. She wanted to blame him and the club for the rape, but she couldn't. Who could've predicted that a friend or family member of the club could be attacked in such a brutal and violent way? Who could've guessed that two newcomers to Charming would react to being told no in such a horrific way?

"Why don't we get away for the day? Have Neeta watch Abel and you and me go for a drive?"

"Where would we go?"

"Wherever you wanna go. We could go to Vegas or to a beach or anywhere. Just the two of us."

She nodded, holding his hands, lacing their fingers together. She looked at him.

"Did Chibs tell you anything else?"

"Just that you were hurting and needed a getaway."

Holly sat on Jax's bike while she waited for him to come out of Cara Cara, playing on her phone. She looked over as some car came in, watching as some porn star got out of her car.

"Shouldn't you be polishing that bike? Jax likes it nice and shiny."

She just rolled her eyes and let her go in, ignoring her comment. It wasn't too much longer after that she watched as Gemma pulled in, followed by Clay and Tig. She rolled her eyes once more, going back to the game on her phone. And then it started. Clay and Gemma were yelling at each other until Clay smashed Gemma's window in with a cinderblock. She ran inside to find Jax, finding him sitting next to the bitch that had the balls to comment on something that had nothing to do with her.

"He's occupied. You should go wait outside like you're told."

"I'm sorry. She's out of her mind."

"She's not the only one."

She led him outside to find Clay punching the shit out of Gemma's car as Gemma yelled at him. When Clay went to grab her after some more yelling, she instantly felt bad, knowing that jolt of fear that Gemma just showed. She went over to Gemma and gently touched her arm, hugging her when Gemma saw her. She led her inside and away from Clay, letting Luann take over before going out to Jax.

Holly sat next to Jax, leaning into him as they sat at the wrap party at Cara Cara, sipping her drink. She hadn't wanted to come, but she had to keep up appearances. So there she sat, dressed up to the nines, watching a bunch of people having sex, trying to pretend she didn't wanna throw up. She looked over at Jax when he squeezed her thigh gently, giving him a small smile.

"You doing ok, darlin'? You're awfully quiet over there."

"I'm fine. Just….."

"Just what?"

"Tired. Funky sleeping pattern that I'm trying to get out of. That's all."

"You wanna get out of here?"

"No, it's fine. You look like you're having fun and I don't wanna ruin it for you."

"I really only had to make an appearance. We can go."

"You don't mind?"

"No, babe. Let's go."

"Thanks, Jax."

She kissed him softly before hugging Opie goodbye, leaving with Jax. When they got home, she went to the bedroom to change into pajamas before taking off her makeup. She watched Jax change from the doorframe. She could very easily tell him that she just wanted to go to bed and sleep. But she didn't want him to think there was something wrong. She took a deep breath before going over to him as he was putting on a shirt, stopping his hands from continuing, pulling his shirt back off from behind, kissing his back gently. She could feel her hands shaking as she pushed his pants down a bit before he turned around to face her.

"You're shaking. You alright?"

"Yeah. I just w-want you."

"You're acting like you're forcing yourself to do this. I don't wanna force you, Holly."

"I know. You're not."

She took off her own shirt with her still shaking hands, looking at his chest. Her heart beating hard in her chest. She gripped his arms a bit when he leaned in to kiss her neck, trying to keep herself from flinching. She led him over to the bed, letting him pull her shorts off before she laid down, looking at him.

"I don't want hard tonight. Can you just…..love me?"

He hovered over her, leaning down to kiss her slow and passionately, slowly grinding against her, getting himself hard. She forced herself to keep herself in the moment, to focus on Jax. She kept her eyes open as he kissed her neck and her chest, tearing up. When she felt him moving his head to look at her, she gently held onto his head, keeping him in place as he slowly pushed into her, stretching her out. She let out a pained moan, feeling the burn.

"You want me to stop?"

"No. It's just….been a while. I just have to get used to it."

She tangled her fingers in his hair, letting out little noises that, to Jax, sounded like noises of pleasure, but to Holly sounded like small grunts as she tried to muffle her tears. There was a tiny part of her that was into it, but the rest of her was reminded of the rapists. She prayed for him to be done, holding onto him. When he reached his release, she let out tears of relief, feeling him pull out of her, rolling over onto her side, feeling him spoon her. She laid there as Jax fell asleep, wondering if or when she'd ever get the relief she needed.