Chapter 1: Legendary Wand

"Consentio Foramen."

With the incantation, the ground beneath Harry's feet simply vanished, replacing itself with a pit just wide enough for him to fall through. It was fair to say that the effect of the spell had caught our hero completely by surprise, if the girly scream he let out was evidence enough.

A man with a full, red beard raised a bushy eyebrow curiously as a black hole suddenly materialized (if a hole can materialize… Is that oxymoron?) in front of him, and a scrawny-looking young man with unruly black hair fell out of the hole. Face first.

Harry plopped down on the floor with all the elegance of a PMSing troll. He distinctively remembered that he fell through some kind of pit feet first. How he ended up falling out of said pit head first meant only one thing…

"Merlin! I'm in China!"

"Not quite," said the red-bearded man who witnessed the whole thing. "Welcome to Atlantis."

Harry picked himself up from the floor to stare at the man like he needed to check his head for blunt force trauma.

"Just kidding. Man, you're gullible. You should see the look on your face!" The man grinned broadly at his own joke. "Welcome to Antarctica. By the way, aren't you cold?"

Harry gave him a wry look before quickly putting on the thick fur cape the stranger offered. Wearing Dudly's old baggy T-shirt and ill-fitted jeans was as good as wearing nothing at all in this bitter cold. "Thanks. Now could you kindly inform me where exactly I am, please?"

"Well, this is my humble little magic shop, Seals and More. I sell all sorts of bling, mostly to tourists. Oh, where are my manners?" The man extended a hand toward Harry. "Name is Sealclubber. Steve Sealclubber. And you are?"

"Harry… Just Harry." Harry shook the man's hand, secretly glad that this Steve person didn't flinch or gawk at him like most people did back in Wizarding Britain.

Sealclubber nodded. "Funny last name you have, Mr. Hairy, but who am I to judge? You mind if I go by your first name?"

"O…K?"

"Now, Joss, how did you get here and how may I help you?"

Harry blinked a few times and mentally shrugged. It was wonderfully refreshing to be treated as a normal person, not as the Boy-Who-Lived nonsense. "I was pranked by a couple of friends into trying out a bogus spell. The next thing I knew, I fell and ended up here.… Oh No! Where is my wand!" Harry panicked and started looking around frantically, hoping he only dropped it when he landed. To his great dismay, he could not find his wand anywhere.

"Maybe you lost it when you tumbled through the pit?" Sealclubber suggested helpfully.

Harry rolled his eyes in exasperation at the stupid situation he got himself into. "I'm going to curse them into next Tuesday! Argh! I can't believe I lost my wand because of their prank! This is just… great. For a moment there, they actually made me believe that I got a gift from Uncle Crimbo. You are right, I am gullible." He muttered darkly.

Hell, his naivety had to be criminal! First he got his godfather killed because he believed in a bloody dream, and now he lost his wand because he believed in a bloody note signed by Uncle Crimbo! What kind of stupid name is Uncle Crimbo anyway? It's probably some kind of anagram for 'I am Lord Shitbrain.'

"Uncle Crimbo!" Sealclubber gasped.

"Yeah, can you believe that? According to the note, I was granted a gift from Uncle Crimbo to compensate for 15 years of torment and suffering. Isn't that just rich?"

Sealclubber agreed. "That was a very generous gift, Joss, with a personal note signed by him, no less. It was a great honour."

Harry had a feeling he was being pranked again.

"Tell you what, my shop just so happens to carry a great variety of nifty items. Wands are one of them. Pick one, and I'll sell it to you at a deep discount."

"Er…" Harry searched his pockets and fished out the fake Galleon made by Hermione for the DA business. "Sorry, mate. This is all I have with me. It's not even a real Galleon."

"It'll do." Sealclubber smiled cheerily and took the fake Galleon. "You've shopped for a wand before, right? So you should know how it goes. Pick one off the rack and give it a wave. Which ever one feels the best in your hand is the one you want."

Harry spent the next half an hour waving various wands and making a mess of the poor guy's shop in general. Not one wand in this shop seemed to work right.

"Curious. Very curious." Sealclubber said as he gestured Harry to stay there as he dodge into the backroom to look for something.

Harry scowled at the man for pulling an Ollivander on him.

Sealclubber came back moments later with a leather pouch tucked under his arm. He opened the pouch and pulled out a stubby pink club the size of a police truncheon and shoved the obscene-looking object into Harry's hand. "Now give it a wave. Go on."

Too dumbfounded to voice his disgust, Harry followed the man's instruction in a daze. He then almost dropped the phallus, um, wand, in shock when it warmed up, vibrated pleasantly, and shot out a copious amount of brilliant white sparks.

"Excellent! That's what I call a perfect fit. Congratulation! The legendary Boner Wand has chosen you." Sealclubber exclaimed in great delight.

"Excuse me?"

"The legendary Boner Wand," Sealclubber gestured at the pink throbbing phallic wand, as he explained, "Is made from the baculum of the now extinct Atlantis Blue Whale."

"Baculum?"

"Os penis? The penile bone? The steel inside the velvet? The bone in the boner? Need I explain more?"

"No, thank you. I think I got it."

"Like I said, this Boner Wand is legendary because it was an artifact made by the Atlantians. Not unlike the Elder Wand of the Deathly Hallows, the Boner Wand has many names. Maybe you've heard of the Disco Stick? No?" Sealclubber looked somewhat disappointed when Harry shook his head vigorously in denial.

"Um, just out of curiosity, is it possible if I could get a different wand instead of this… Boner Wand?"

"Nope."

"I thought so." Harry said dryly. "Dare I ask what the core of this wand is?"

"You are holding it."

Harry looked at Sealclubber expectedly. The shop owner elaborated, "The Boner Wand is not like any other wand. The wand itself is made entirely of a wand core, if you catch my drift." Sealclubber made a gesture at his crotch, and said, "It is made from the core inside of a wand. So it doesn't need another core. "

"… I see."

"Besides, the core of this wand is so massive, it doesn't need an extra layer of wood as padding to give the wand a nice, meaty girth."

"…"

"Any other questions?"

"Yes, actually," Harry asked hopefully. "Is there any way for me to go back to England? Floo? Portkey? Side-along Apparition? Flying carpet? Broom? Anything?"

Sealclubber shook his head. "Apparition and floo are not designed to travel half way across the earth, and you must be suicidal to consider riding on a flying carpet or a broom in this cold. Portkey is the only way to go… and that will be 11 galleons, please."

Harry gave the man a dirty look. "Can I not keep this… legendary wand, and take that portkey instead?"

"Nope."

"I thought so." Harry gritted his teeth. "You bloody know I don't have any money on me. What do you want me to do? Walk?"

"Well, how did you get here in the first place? That's how you'll get back, naturally."

"…"

"Anything else?" Sealclubber was trying to be very helpful.

Harry thought for a moment, and asked desperately like a drowning man grabbing at a straw. "Does this… wand come with a wand holster? It's… inconvenient to walk around holding this… wand in my hand."

"Simple. Cast an expanding charm in your pocket and keep that bad boy in it. Of course, you don't have to cast the charm at all. I know some people enjoy having a manly bulge in their pants. If you don't mind having a hot, throbbing phallic-shape thingy rub against your crotch, that is. On the other hand, if you keep it in your back pocket instead of your side pocket, it'll be rubbing against your bum. I suppose some people prefer that."

"… I hate you."

Back in Hogwarts, the many complex silver instruments that should have gone off the moment Harry fell through the Plot Hole, did not. They were broken by Harry himself earlier that morning and the Headmaster had not had the time to repair them yet.

A/N: Isn't that wand legendary?