Chapter 3: Does it look infected to you?
Harry landed on his butt. As far as falling on one's rear end goes, it was surprisingly less painful than one might expect. Something soft and bouncy had cushioned his behind, so that was a marked improvement comparing to prior experiences.
Our hero looked around curiously to get his bearing. The wayward spell had dropped him down in the middle of a green, luscious countryside. After his unplanned trips to the Antarctica and Moscow, it was a welcoming change to see the blue sky and warm sunlight again.
"Greetings," a high-pitched voice called out nervously from behind him. Harry looked over his shoulders and saw a small crowd of garden gnomes eyeing him with apparent awe. A wrinkly female gnome wearing a white pointy hat braved herself to take a couple steps toward Harry and spoke again. "Thank you, wonderful wizard. We are most grateful for your noble deed. You've set us free from the atrocity that was the Nasty Gnome of the East."
Harry blinked at the elderly gnome. "I'm pretty sure I haven't killed anyone yet. Well, there was this DADA teacher, but all I did was touching his face and he sort of disintegrated on his own."
There was also Voldemort, but zombie snakeface did not count. Besides, he was not completely dead yet.
"Your butt did. Squashed her flat as a pancake." The gnome with the white pointy hat said, pointing at the squishy cushion that broke Harry's fall, "There are her two feet, still sticking out from under your buttocks."
Harry let out a startled cry before scrambling out of the nice padding under his bum that turned out to be a dead gnome. "Morgana's tits! I'm so sorry! It's an accident, I swear! And what are you thanking me for?" He yelled while staring wide-eyed at the flattened corpse. A couple hours ago he was just informed that he was destined to murder or to be murdered; and here he was, a couple hours later, with already one more death under his belt. Literally.
"I am the Good Gnome of the Gnorth, Glinda." She said with a curtsy. "And the one you slayed is the Nasty Gnome of the East, Nessarose. Too long have she reigned over our clansmen with her wicked way. She had turned her back on our Gnomish tradition and fashioned herself a terrible name that started with the letter N. Every good Gnome will tell you that a proper Gnomish name should start with the letter G. Doing otherwise is the ultimate betrayal to our race."
"I... see." Harry said slowly, uncertain if Glinda was serious or not.
Glinda the Good Gnome seemed overjoyed. "Wonderful wizard," she started, eager to return the favour. "Is there anything us grateful gnomes can do for your good deed?"
Harry decided to take advantage of this situation. No matter how bizarre it was. "I want to go back to Hogwarts. It's my home." He said, already had enough adventure for the day.
"Done." Glinda said, pleased that she was able to fulfil Harry's request easily. "See the pair of Ruby Slippers the Nasty Gnome is wearing on her feet? You can have them. Wear them and click your heels three times while chanting the magical words 'there is no place like home'."
Harry inspected the Ruby Slippers still on the dead gnome's feet wearily. They look obnoxiously red and glittery. "Are you sure this is the only way?"
The Good Gnome smiled brilliantly at our hero and replied, "Of course."
"Fine." Harry sighed and pried the pair of extremely feminine footwear off the corpse. Nothing in his life was easy. He shook his head in distaste and put on those glitter-covered slippers, a small part of him secretly relieved that they somehow magically adjust themselves to his feet.
Harry refused to admit that he looked good in red, or the fact that the glitters made him feel pretty.
Click, click, click. "There is no place like home."
And then he was gone.
"I don't think I'm in Gnome country anymore!" Harry looked around and wondered out loud, "But I don't think I'm in Hogwarts either. Where is this place?"
Instead of taking him back to Hogwarts, the Ruby Slippers had decided to bring him in front of a battered old farm house in the middle of nowhere. He saw miles and miles of flat land and yellow grass. The grey sky overhead was stormy and depressing.
"You are in Kansas." Said a soft voice as the person come out from the farm house. She was a very beautiful woman in her early twenties, although her hourglass figure and athletic build suggested she looked mature for her age. Her hair was a rich shade of dark brown with strands of golden highlight and gentle curls, and her eyes was the colour of chocolate with specks of green, so it's probably safe to say it was more like mint chocolate. She had a delicate feature and an unusually pale complexion that somehow made her look exotic. The complex patterns of light blue tattoo on her forehead that extended all the way down to her exposed shoulders and arms seemed to be letting out an ethereal glow. We could go more into describing what exactly the woman looked like, but that seemed to be a major waste of time. Moving on.
Harry tried not to ogle, but he failed spectacularly.
"Nice shoes." The woman commented with a quirked eyebrow. Have I mentioned the shape of her eyebrows? It was exquisite.
Our hero squirmed uncomfortably under the woman's gaze. "Hi." That was all Hary was able to say. Considering he was caught wearing a pair of glittering red slippers by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life, he was doing pretty well.
The woman seemed to be very used to people gawking at her, so she continued, "Name is Mary. Is there anything I can help you with?"
Harry nodded stupidly. He wondered if this woman were half-Veela because that's how beautiful she seemed to him. "Um, yeah. Hi, I'm Harry. I think I'm lost."
"Where do you need to get to?" Mary asked.
"Hogwarts. It's a school in Scotland."
Mary chuckled, "You are very lost, then. Why don't you come inside for some lemonade?"
Harry agreed lemonade would be a good idea.
"This lemonade is really really good." Harry chugged down the glass and let out a satisfied sigh. Now that he thought about it, he hasn't had any food or drink all day.
"That slippers you're wearing is also really really good. Any chance you can let me have them?" Mary gazed longingly at the Ruby Slippers. Maybe it's the magic infused in them, they simply looked gorgeous on Harry's hairy legs. Imagine how good they would look on her hairless ones. Have I mentioned how long and shapely her legs were?
Harry was alarmed by Mary's tone. "No, thank you. I think I better keep my footwear for myself. It's the only, well, marginally more reliable way for me to get home."
Mary thought for a second and proposed, "I'll give you a blow job if you let me have them..."
"DEAL!"
So Harry became a very happy boy for the next twelve minutes. At the end of the heavenly twelve minutes, Harry became a very sad boy.
"Ouch! You bit me!" Harry screamed in pain and hurled himself off the chair he was sitting on. Taking a good look at his bloodied little Harry in dismay, He grimaced and accused angrily, "Did you really have to use that much teeth? What are you, a vampire?"
"Well, technically..." Mary started her long, rambling explanation that meant very little to our hero. "My grandpa was a Vampire, and he impregnated my grandma, who at the time was still a human, and conceived my mother, who turned out to be half-Vampire, half-human. And then my mom married my dad, who turned out to be from a long line of shamanic Shapeshifter, and they had me. To make my life more complicated, I was chosen by the Goddess Nyx to be her High Priestess at a tender age of 14. Because of that I had to drop my study in med school to join the House of Night. See this tattoo on my face? It signifies my status. When I was 16 I had a summer fling with this hot guy down in Florida when I was working on my PhD, and the dude turned out to be a Lycan. You can see what a disaster that was. Long story short, I somehow contracted the Lycan strain. I guess you can say I'm a Nyx-blessed Hybrid."
Harry did not take in anything Mary just said. His whole focus was on his wounded little Harry, which was burning up while throbbing in excruciating pain. Much to Harry's horror, the crescent-shaped bite mark near the tip was starting to turn blue.
Mary examined the bite mark with great interest. "Wow. I think I unintentionally transferred Nyx's blessing to you. See that distinctive shape and colour? That's how you can tell. Maybe I gave you the Hybrid strain too. Isn't that weird?"
Harry hoped that it would go away with some ointment. It sounded worse than the Clap. Why oh why did he not use a condom?
"Can I have those slippers now?" Mary asked innocently.
Harry pulled his pants up and took off the Ruby Slippers. He hoped wherever the Plot Hole decided to drop him next, it better came with a well-stocked pharmacy.
A/N: That's why people need to avoid Mary Sue at all cost.