(Peetas POV)
As I pull away from her I hear the door open and Haymitch comes in. He stands beside me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "You should have seen her when she got outside," I look to my old mentor "She was Katniss. She completely deflated as if all the anger and tension went out of her,"
"That's good kid, She remembers I'm a drunk too," he smirks at me./
"Yeah, but we all knew you're a drunk even before we met you,"
"Yeah but none of you yell at me like that," He smirks "Only Katniss does that," He guides me out of the room "Let's let her sleep boy. We'll come back tomorrow," I nod
"I want to bring Prim," Haymitch closes the door behind us but I peek through the gap in the blinds and watch Katniss sleep.
"You think that's a good idea?"
"I think she's starting to trust me," I look at Haymitch "and if she is starting to trust me she's going to trust Prim right away," Haymitch shrugs.
"Just let Prim know what she is getting into," I nod my head. I remember I promised Prim I'd update her and after seeing how she reacted to seeing Katniss I know I must go to her right now.
"Do you know where she is Haymitch? I saw her earlier but she kinda ran off" Haymitch frowns at me and his eyes turn downcast.
"Prims...she's good. Shes just like you, when you came to the Quater Quell. Surrounded by murderers, when you were the farthest thing from one. Shes better than everyone around her and knows a hell of a lot more than the rest of us too," Haymitch sounds so proud. He must catch my quizzical look and smirks " You know, sometimes I think Prim would've wone the 74th Games if Katniss didn't volunteer" his voice is laced with irony. He turns and walks towards the exit. " Shes in the first room around the corner on the right" I wait till Haymitch is out of my field of vision before heading around the corner.
"Prim" I knock on the locked door. I hear a shuffle and then the door is open and sparkling blue eyes are staring up at me. She steps aside and allows me to pass through the door before she closes and locks it again. I sit on the sole bed occupying the room. I watch her rock backward and forward as she stares at a spot over my head. I know She is willing herself not to cry or fire questions at me. "I took her outside. Prim, it was wonderful. She seemed almost like herself. I can't wait for you to get to see her like that." Her eyes snap to me and to my surprise they're filled with anger.
" See her like that!" She stalks towards me "Peeta I saw her...I saw what that psycho did to her. Did you see the way she looked at me? She looked like she was eyeing up a mutt," the anger in her eyes is turning glossy and wet "Is that what she thinks I am? Some type of mutt? and her face...Her face..." she covers her mouth and chose out a sob, but her eyes are still ablaze "What happens when she remembers where all that damage came from? Whats gonna happen when she looks in a mirror Peeta!" her last sentence is a scream but I pull her into a hug muffling it into my chest.
"This isn't going to be easy Prim. Things are going to keep getting worse. We're gonna learn everything that happened to her and it's going to be agony to listen to but we have to. She needs us and we need her," I stroke Prim's blond head willing her to relax. "There are doctors who can heal the damage done to her externally. That won't be an issue it's our jobs to heal the internal damage. I don't know how long it'll take but we're going to get her back Prim I promise you that".
After Prim has composed herself I guide her to the bed where she curls up and rests her head on the pillow. I recount the entire afternoon to her start to finish. From running through 13 to Katniss questioning if she wants her memory back for fear of being the person the Capital portrayed her as. I tell Prim about how alive Katniss became in the forest and how the last time she remembers being outside it was hot and humid.
"She remembers the heat in the Quater Quell," Prim sits up with excitement. I nod my head.
"She also remembered something else," the corner of my lip lifts at her excited eyes "When I went to her room earlier I heard Katniss singing The Hanging Tree. You know the song-"
"My dad used to sing" Prim places both her hands on her heart "Oh Peeta. Thank you so much for telling me all of this it really helped" She crawls over to me and wraps her arms around my neck squeezing me in a hug.
We leave the hospital after another few minutes in search of Gale. We find him leaving command and I recount the entire afternoon for the second time. He listens with wrapped attention and no interruptions. Once I finish he says
"I knew Bringing her outside would help," I can see his rough demeanor cracking a little at the thought of his old hunting body coming back to him.
"You'll have to take her hunting at some point. I mean when she's ready" Gale nods in agreement. The three of us spend dinner in whispered discussion devising a game plan for how we will help Katniss without it being too obvious. We decide it's better too keep their actions inconspicuous for Katniss' sake and so no residence of 13 caught wind of what the three of them are doing and who they are doing it for. Panem cannot know Katniss is alive until she is ready to fill the shoes she left behind. If she ever is actually ready for that.
After a long dinner, I make my way back to my quarters I sink into my bed and don't even try to fight the sleep that consumes me. Thankfully I am not plagued with nightmares, but instead, my dream is frustrating. I run around 13 following the sound of Katniss singing The Hanging Tree. Every time I come to a door I can hear her behind and open it the room is empty. Then the singing comes from the opposite direction and I take off running again.
When I finally wake feeling more drained than when I went to sleep I shower and dress. Before I leave I get my temporary schedule (That I always ignore) tattooed on my arm. I go to breakfast where I sit with Jo, who doesn't inquire about Katniss except to ask if she tried to attack me again. I consider going straight to the hospital after breakfast but decide against it. I don't want to overwhelm Katniss with my presence right away. Instead, I take a walk around 13 so that by 10oclock I can't contain myself and head to the hospital. When I get there through I notice the usual hospital hustle and bustle is none existent. I feel like I've stepped into a more and when I see Mrs. Everdeen is sitting outside Katniss room with Haymitch her head is in her hands. I know I made the wrong choice by delaying my return to the hospital this morning.
"What happened?" I feel my pulse starting to pound in my ear as I rush over to them and kneel in front of Ms. Everdeen.
"Katniss had a setback," Haymitch answers me. I look at the window behind them but the shades are drawn. I feel dizzy and a cold sweat has broken out at the base of my neck.
"What do you mean shes 'has a setback' ?"
"The nurses checked on her this morning, and she had slit her wrists," I don't wait to hear any more I rush to her door and push it open. There is a pile of bloody sheets in the hamper. There is so much blood the white of the sheet is barely discernable. The blood is so vibrantly red and so fresh I feel nauseous. I turn around and Haymitch is behind me. I can't even voice my thoughts but from my expression, Haymitch knows. "She was in critical condition, but she is stable now. She lost a lot of blood kid she needs to rest," I make to push past my mentor but he grabs my upper arm with surprising force and holds me in place.
"I need to see her," I growl through gritted teeth. Haymitch starts to refuse, but I cut him off "If you tell me no I will tear this district apart looking for her. So you better tell me, old man," I scream in his face. He scowls, but nods but keeps his tight hold on my arm.
"I'll bring her to you, but you cant go in. We don't know what set her off," I don't answer I just stare into his deep grey eyes. He shakes me roughly "You better say okay boy or you're not seeing her" he growls.
"Fine" I spit at him but there is no venom in my tone. I try and deduce what he has just said: "What do you mean you don't know what 'set her off' Was it me?"
"We have no idea there could have been a sort of kill switch built into her conditioning. If she started to get close to you Snow may have brainwashed her into thinking shed need to kill herself. Or if she didn't kill you, Prim, or Gale she had to kill herself something like that. Honestly, kid, we have no clue. We just have to see what happens when she wakes up." Haymitch finds a nurse to sit with Ms. Everdeen then leads me deeper into the hospital and we sit outside a room with the blinds shut. Doctors go in and out of the room and I fight the urge to not look through the door every time it opens. I don't know how long we sit there but I must've dozed off when Haymitch nudges my arm. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and turn to him.
"She's awake and stable," I sit up a little straighter "She's asking for you. She won't say anything to anyone else," Even though Haymitches voice is concerned there is an undertone of annoyance at Katniss stubbornness. My shoulders relax a little as I look towards the door, and take a breath before standing up. I have no idea what I will meet inside. I take the three steps to the door and walk inside.
Katniss is strapped down to the bed her wrists are heavily bandaged and she is staring straight ahead unseeing. She is paler than usual making her skin look an even more sickly yellow color from all the healing bruises. I stand by the door waiting to gauge her reaction to me. "I'm not crazy. Well maybe I am," she starts tearing her eyes away from the wall and looking right into mine. "but I didn't do this" he lift her arms a centimeter indicating her sliced wrists "for no reason. Snow didn't program me to do it or anything," she looks away and down at her lap. I walk to the chair by her bed and sit there holding my hand in my lap to keep them from shaking.
"Then why did you? And why didn't you tell the doctors about it?" She turns her head and stares at me again there is no hate in her eyes, no scowl and it's no love, but just more uncertainty.
"Because what I think I saw was real and if it was I don't want to..." anger and devastation flash in her eyes.
"What do you mean saw?"I don't know if I want to know the answer but I need to. I have to help her through this no matter how horrible is. The fact that she would rather die than remember sends terror coercing through me.
"I had a…. flashback I think that's what they are calling my it. They tell me some of them are real and some are fake and I have been getting better at deciphering the real from fake." She breaths out heavily then continue " I remembered being in the capital. I was in a room and a peacekeeper... It wasn't glossy or tinted it seemed so real like I was really back there." Her head stays turned to me, but her eyes look beyond me. I grab the arms of the chair so hard my knucks turn white. I don't know if I want to hear what she's going to say, but I ask.
"What happened," in a flat unemotional voice she answers
"I was laying on the ground. I was so cold and I was so wet from my...session with Heart... and then he came in" She whispering but I'm hanging on to every word barely breathing. "I could barely move Peeta I was so week"It's almost like she's pleading with me to understand but I know her next words are going to be the cause of all of my future nightmares. She pauses as horror and disgust wash over her face. Her gaze whips to me and tears are coming thick and fast down her cheeks and she gasps out "He raped me,"
I feel the blood drain from my face and my eyes begin to burn. I stand up face the wall trying to calm myself down, but its impossible I close my eyes and all I see is a broken bleeding soaked Katniss on a prison floor as a peacekeeper stalks towards her unbuckling her pants and pouncing on her. My best friend. The woman I love. My wife. I Trying to push the images away, but something breaks within me as the images continue to play out I can hear her screams of protest and feeble attempts at escape. Before I know what I am doing I've turned and picked up the chair I've been sitting in and slam it against the wall where it crumbles to the floor in a mess of broken wood.
I look to Katniss tears covering her face her sobs coming with every uneven gulp of breath. No longer able to stay strong she breaks "Peeta..." she gasps and I inch toward the bed once more "He... He...kept mentioning you, and…" she looks around like she is trying to find sense out of this travesty "And he said we were married it was because of you that he was..." She sobs harder letting out choked screams. I feel like time has frozen I stare down at her writing in the bed as devastation washes over her. Her head rests back on the pillow and her eyes fly open as she stares up at the ceiling. Now she is whispering between gasps for air "and I remembered loving you" There is no love in her tone right now. There is only complete and utter confusion "I remember spending nights with you I remember being terrified for you, and needing you" Her eyes find me again and they take in my red and blotchy tear-soaked face. She examines me as if seeing me for the first time "I know you. I know you Peeta," another round of sobs come and she begins to pull on her restraints to wipe or cover her face. "He said he was doing it because of you," She screams out. I climb onto her bed and un-wrap her wrists and pull her into my arms letting my wife cry into her pillow as I wap myself around her. We have been in this position so many times before and she doesn't remember, but she remembers me because Snow used me against her while he had her raped by his guard. I let tears fall down my cheeks as I hold on to Katniss for dear life. Almost wishing her entire memory was gone so she would never have to remember what he did to her.
An hour goes by and we are still tangled together laying together my head on her pillow and her head now resting on my chest. "Why didn't you tell me?" she doesn't sound angry or upset just more confusion.
"I just wanted you to find out who you were going to be. I didn't want you to feel pushed to be your old self," I rub my arm up and down her back.
"Who am I?" I have to think about this I have to tread carefully with this information. I will not define who she is by telling her, her name.
"I have loved you since I was a little boy because you were the strongest girl who lived in our district because you lost your father when you were younger. You took care of your mother and sister when you were 11. Fighting against the odds of survival. You and I were brought together by unfortunate circumstances, and that's when we realized our love for one another, which saved us in the end. Well, I always knew how I felt, but you came to the same conclusion in the end" Her eyes widen. And I hold my breath waiting for her to connect the dots.
"We were in The Hunger Games," he whispers is almost inaudible.
"Yes," I wait for her to finish them though. I can visibly see the color drain from her face.
"I'm...Katniss Everdeen," Her voice is detached I don't know how to proceed.
"Mallark" I finally correct. She was told who Katniss Everdeen was. She knows her only as the Mockingjay and reason there was a war. She doesn't know her past history and that she is more than what everyone else saw. I feel her body tense against me and I lift my head to see her eyes are pressed shut, and she is breathing very heavy and slow. Her hand balls into a fist on my shirt.
"I think I understand now why you didn't tell me," her eyes stay closed. I don't know what to do I want to console her, but I don't want to call her Katniss in fear that I will trigger something. "Peeta," she starts to hyperventilate "I can't…. "I prop us up and feed my figures through hers. I feel her struggling to breathe as her back pressed into my chest.
"Listen to me you have to relax," I put my lips right next to her ear and say softly"breath with me. Breath in...and out," she squeezes my hands and try's to match her breathing to mine. "In….and out," after about five minutes of that she has finally relaxed against my chest.
"I love you," she whispers "I know that much. I don't remember my life as…Katniss, but I know you," I kiss the side of her temple.
"We can talk more tomorrow. You need to rest,"
"I cut myself because I was raped Peeta" she twists her head to look up into my face "not because of you. You know that right," thinking about her being raped sends another bolt of anger through me.
"I know," I kiss the side of her head again, and make to move out from behind her so that she can lay back down.
"Don't. Don't leave...Stay with me," I can't help but smile as I move off the bed. She furrows her eyebrows at me. "What?
"You asked me to stay with you once before, and I told you 'Always' and that will never change," Her eyes lighten
"Always," she repeats. I don't want to kill the mood but I have to put her restraints back on. Which she allows without hesitation. I lean down so our faces are inches apart and whisper.
"I loved you then, and I will love you now,"I cup her face gently in my hand. "I will be back in a few minutes I promise. Try and get some rest." She nods and rests her head down shutting her eyes. I walk out into the hall and close the door. Haymitch raises and an eyebrow at me but I don't acknowledge him. I make sure the door is shut tight behind me then I run to the nearest garbage and though up the merger breakfast I had earlier. I continue to convulse until there is nothing left. There is a soft hand on my back rubbing out the knots that have formed from leaning over the can. Once finished I look up Haymitch tears streaming from my eyes from vomiting and from what I am about to recount. "She was raped. That son of a bitch had her raped and said it was because of me," I sob over the trash can. All the thoughts that came from the night she was rescued about how I could have found her and saved her sooner come back. The sobs continue to shake my body. "It was because of me." I look at Haymitch "Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut and die in the first game?"
"Wouldn't have done anyone any good," He says blankly staring at the trashcan in front of me. "That's why she…?" he trails off.
"Yeah, that's why she tried to kill herself."
After about 15 minutes of me dry heaving over the garbage, I dry my eyes and down a glass of cold water to soothe my throat. I sit against the wall willing everything that I've just learned to be false. Katniss was raped. She was raped and told it was because of our love for one another. She tried to kill herself because of this and because she finally knows who she is and what she has done. But she still knows she loves me.
I squeeze my hands against my ears trying to drown the hospital noise out. I need to do everything in my power to bring her justice that is my plan now. Help Katniss recover if that is even possible and then kill Snow.
I breathe out and get to my feet Haymitch looks at me expectantly. I don't say anything I just walk back to Katniss' door. "Boy, I'm not stopping you from going in there but tell me what you know so I can tell her mom. You're not the only one that cares about her," Haymitch scolds. I fee a knot form in my stomach how selfish could I be.
"She had a flashback to when it happened. She remembered being told it was because of us being together, which triggered memories of us. She didn't know who she was but she knew she knew me. So once she figured that out she realized who she had to be if she remembered loving me"
"So she knows" Haymitch runs his hand through his hair "How'd she take it?"
"Not well. She doesn't know anything other than what we've told her so she's not thrilled about the whole thing," I cross my arm.
"That's understandable," Haymitch signs. "Alright, you can go back in. I'll go to her mom" I nod and watch Haymitch leave
I re-enter the room and Katniss is still awake. My heart sinks cause I see that blank stare before she can focus in on me. The one that lets on just how broken she is. I walk to her and gently take her hand. I want to pull her into my lap and kiss her and hug her tight, but I know that isn't what will help her. Instead, I climb onto the end of the bed with her hand still in mine and we talk. It tell her to ask anything and everything she possibly could want to know.
Hey everyone! Thank you for all the positive review I really wasn't expecting anyone to read let alone enjoy my story. I'm sorry that the gaps between chapters are a little long. I'm trying my best to keep adding chapters as fast as I can. I wrote these past chapters like 3 years ago and just had the courage to edit them up and post them now. I have one more chapter that I have that is pre-written and ready to be edited and hopefully, it'll be ready by the end of the week. The next chapters will come slow but please bear with me I go to school and have a job so they'll be out as soon as they can be.
Also, I apologize again for my crap spelling and grammar I'll try and make up for that will long and interesting chapters.
Again thank you for all the positive feedback and if you have any suggestions or ideas I'd love you guys to message me and give me your input!