Chapter 5:
"You know, I didn't think the spell would be so literal when I thought to myself, 'there is no place on Earth I can go now'." Harry said to no one in particular as he surveyed the landscape. He was standing waist deep in a murky swamp (that smelled decidedly like Dudly's fart the morning after curry night. He knew that because his fat whale of a cousin always fart into his cupboard before locking him inside) while surrounded by what looked like a forest of ancient, gnarly trees.
Most importantly, on the dry bank not so far away, there was a tiny green… creature staring curiously at him.
Harry was pretty sure this thingy was an alien, not a moldy house elf, because he caught him (Her? It? Do they even have the concept of gender in that particular extraterrestrial race?) climbing out of a truck-sized spaceship.
"Um, hi. My name is Harry Potter. I came in peace." Our hero greeted with the standard opening for first contact. It was only polite.
The little green man nodded with apparent approval and replied, "Earthling, you are. Gifted, you are, but trained, you are not. Learn from me, young one, lest be seduced by the Dark side with promises of power."
Harry gasped. "You know about magic? I didn't know aliens can use magic too. Unless... Of course you do! Oh Merlin's warty toe! The goblins, and the house elves! They must have come from other planets too! Why didn't Dobby tell me?"
The said house elf popped out of thin air and saluted the gobsmacked wizard as the hyperactive creature landed next to the green alien. "Harry Potter, sir! Dobby is here... Sir, where are we?" He gave his green mirror image a startled glance and asked nervously, "That house elf be toad color, Harry Potter, sir. Please don't pickle Dobby green. Dobby doesn't like snaky, slimy, Slythy green."
The unexpected appearance of Dobby the house elf made Harry's head spin. Getting dropped off to far corners of the world, losing his wand, obtaining powerful magical artifacts, meeting/killing interesting people, getting a blow job from a complete stranger, and then contracting a magical STD soon afterward was too bizarre a day even by the Boy-Who-Lived standard.
"Dobby! Thank Merlin! You have no idea how good it is to see you, my friend." Harry hugged the surprised house elf with tears in his eyes, almost pathetically grateful of Dobby's presence. He was careful to be as gentle as he could, so that he wouldn't crush Dobby's head like a grape with his newly acquired freak strength.
If Harry had seen an house elf having an orgasm, he would have recognized the look on Dobby's face right now.
Not far away from the embracing couple, the diminutive green extraterrestrial coughed to catch their attention. "Waiting, I have been, for many years, for the One I must wait."
The alien continued, "Bored, I am, for I have been waiting for a long time. Crazy, I'm not, for I can see in your eyes you do not trust. Backward talking, I must. Difficult, Earth language is. Alas, the One I must wait you are not. Better than nothing, you are. Entertain me, you will." The green creature turned to Dobby and nodded, "Learn from me, both of you shall, therefore bored I shall no longer be."
Harry scrutinized the strange little green man with a sense of foreboding. "What you are saying is, you want us to be your students, so you can be entertained?"
"Succinct, you are." The green house-elfish creature nodded happily, his long ears flopped with the motion.
"Um, can I refuse? I really need to go home. As a matter of fact, Dobby, would you mind taking me back to Hogwarts right now?"
Dobby smiled a grateful, teary smile and snapped his fingers.
Nothing happened.
Dobby's smile faltered and he tried to snap his fingers again. Still, nothing happened. "Dobby is a BAD elf!" The house-elf wailed loudly. Tears the size of beans pour down from his cheeks. Dobby threw himself in the smelly, shallow swamp and attempt to choke himself while bashing his head against a nearby tree stump. "Dobby fails to take Harry Potter home! Dobby is not allowed even though the great Harry Potter asks nicely! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!"
Harry quickly put his hand between the Dobby's forehead and the gnarly tree stump to stop the house-elf from further injuring himself. "Dobby, stop this at once. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not your fault. Now explain why you are not allowed to take me back to Hogwarts."
"Ancient and powerful ward, sir Harry Potter. Dobby is not allowed. Magic will not let Dobby." The house-elf said miserably.
The green house-elf-like alien cut in. "Spacecraft, I have. Broken, it is. A while it shall take to repair. Alleviate my boredom, meanwhile. Borrow my ship afterward, you may. Go home after training from me, if you must."
At this point, Harry couldn't help but cringe at the ridiculous way this alien insist on speaking. He doubted his sanity would stay intact if he were to be stranded on this desolate fart-smelling alien planet with this moldy, senile, backward-talking midget. If entertaining the green creature for a little while were the only sure way to get home, then he had no choice. It's not bloody likely for the bogus prank Plot Hole spell to work when Dobby's house elf magic failed anyway.
Besides, Harry thought bitterly, what's the point of trying to go home when he was considered a Goblin-killing fugitive? Going back to Hogwarts and then getting shipped straight to Azkaban did not sound like a good idea.
Thus, reluctantly, Harry started his training under the tutelage of the tiny green not-house-elf alien.
Two hours later...
"AAARRRRRGHHHAAAAA! THAT'S ENOUGH! STOP!" Harry screamed in agony after being forced to listen to the crazy Martian's backward speech for hours. The psychological damage was worse than being waterboarded.
The green-skinned alien gave his pupil a curious look. "Concentrate, you must."
"STOP TALKING, DAMMIT!" Harry yelled back. "I've had enough of your nonsense speech. You are doing this on purpose, just to drive me nuts! Who in the right mind talk like this? And for your information, this 'wax on, wax off' stuff has been done before. Stop flogging the dead horse! The Force? My ass! You know who you sound like? Dumbledore on 'shroom, that's who! And let me tell you I'm not very happy with Dumbledore now so don't try to make me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" Our hero growled furiously at the tiny green man.
"Dumbo who?" The pickled no-house-elf asked, perplexed. "Patience, young padawan. Virtue, it…"
Harry punched the green midget square in the nose. That sneak attack was super effective at shutting the alien up. "Dobby, why don't you search this place for anything useful before we try your elven magic again."
Dobby bobbed his head in agreement and went on to rob their backward talking host blind.
"How rude." The alien picked himself up from the muddy ground, one hand covering his crushed nose protectively. "Temper, this one has in spade. Power, this one has plenty, too. Lesson, this one must learn."
The senile old nut raised a hand and Harry was instantly pulled off his feet. He flew through the air and found himself at the receiving end of a brutal headbutt.
Everything turned green. Unfamiliar scenes flashed rapidly before his eyes like long forgotten dreams. Harry didn't know how long he was held in this trance before he eventually blacked out.
When he came to, one thought was on the forefront of his mind. With a ragged breath, Harry gasped, "I know Kung Fu."
"Take this." The long-eared green freak handed him a silver cylinder. "Dangerous, it is to go alone."
Instinctively, Harry knew that this object was an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. "Um. Thank you?"
Dobby chose this moment to come back from his task of grand larceny. "Dobby's got everything, Harry Potter, sir. Including the kitchen sink… SIR!" The loyal house elf screeched. His eyes, already large as tennis balls, now threatened to fall out of their sockets. "THE GREAT HARRY POTTER SIR IS THE CHOSEN HERO! THE MARK! THE MARK!"
Harry looked around frantically. What the hell was Dobby on about? "What mark?"
The green alien cleared his throat and helpfully handed over a mirror.
"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!"
Harry was now sporting pointy ears. Not long and flooy like elf ears, but pointy like overly logical aliens with bowl cut hair in a tele show he had briefly glanced from his cupboard when he was younger.
Dobby was shivering violently with his large eyes rolled back in ecstasy. "THE GREAT HARRY POTTER SIR IS THE ELF-WHO-FREED!"
Meanwhile on Earth, all the formerly enslaved house elves were throwing an impromptu party celebrating their newfound freedom at the hand of their chosen hero. Houses were set on fire, carriages were overturned, and the golden fountain at the ministry lobby had been transfigured to show an ecstatic elf pissing into a wizard's mouth. Their ancient bondage to the wizard kind was finally dissolved after four millenia. The foul magic forged by the evil warlock, the Great Thief, that had stolen all elf kins' freedom, was finally broken the moment a mage donned the mark of an elf.
Harry palmed his face into both hands and sobbed. "Please, not another hyphenated title."
"Done here, my work is." The green alien nodded with a gleeful grin on its wizened face. "On your way, you must be. Toodeloo."
Harry's girlish scream was muted as he fell down a pit without having to cast the Plot Hole spell this time. He blamed this on the Force nonsense.
x-x-x
A/N: It's been a while, hasn't it?