Holly moaned out Jax's name, gripping his arms as he pushed into her ass, looking into his eyes, both of them panting. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt Jax thrust into her, reaching down to rub her clit, arching her back.
"So tight, Hol….."
"You're so big, babe…."
She got lost in the pleasure, not knowing that she was dreaming until she felt herself being shaken awake, looking up to see Jax hovering over her with a small smirk.
"What the shit….what time is it?"
"It's time to get ready to go. I hope you were dreaming about me."
She let out a frustrated sigh as she sat up, looking at him.
"Why haven't you touched me since you found out that I was raped? You've kissed me and hugged me, we've fucked and made love, but the second you find out that I was raped, it's like I'm damaged goods. Please tell me I'm wrong about this, Jax."
"You're not damaged goods, Holly."
"Then why? We were hotter when you didn't know. So if you don't think I'm damaged goods, then what's the problem? Are you bored? Did you cheat on me or something?"
"No. Of course not."
"Then what is it, Jackson? Because I miss you. I ran out batteries two nights ago finishing myself off because you won't touch me."
"I don't wanna push you."
"You're not pushing me. I want you. That hasn't changed. No matter what happened. So if you don't think I'm damaged goods, then prove it. Take me. Right here, right now."
"We don't have time, Holly."
She looked at him, tears filling her eyes, getting up and walking past him to take a shower, silently crying as she washed up, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor of the stall, burying her face in her hands. When Jax came in to pick her up, she pushed him away.
"Don't touch me. Just go. I'll meet you at the clubhouse."
"No one goes anywhere alone."
"Get. Out. Jax."
She pushed past him after she turned off the water, drying off and going to get dressed, calling Opie.
"Holly? You alright?"
"Will you come get me?"
"Isn't Jax taking you to the clubhouse."
"No. He has something to do first."
"Ok. Let me drop Lyla and the kids off. Do you have Abel?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Alright. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Thanks, Ope."
She looked at Jax when he stood in the doorframe.
"There. I'm not going alone."
She watched him leave with Abel, texting Opie back, telling him that plans had changed. She grabbed her purse and went out to her car, climbing in and driving off, blaring her music as she drove in the opposite direction of the clubhouse, her mind racing as she drove into town. She pulled up to the cigar shop and got out, grabbing the carjack from the backseat before going inside, smashing everything up, letting out her anger and hatred and every other negative emotion she had inside her. By the time David came over to arrest her, the shelves were smashed to bits, there were cigars and cigarettes and tobacco strewn everywhere and Weston had a broken nose and a black eye forming from when she started hitting him when he tried to grab her. She was sitting on the curb, waiting patiently for David, cooperating when he put her in cuffs and helped her into the car.
"I'm gonna have to call Jax."
"I don't give a fuck what you do, David. Or what Jax does. Or what Gemma does. Or what anyone else does. I'm done."
"Done with what?"
"Done with not feeling safe in my own town. Done with shit crumbling down around me. Done with shit changing in such a drastic way. Done with my life being controlled by other people. Done with not knowing who I am anymore."
"What happened, Holly?"
"Gemma told Jax and Clay about the rape as a tool to anchor Jax to Charming and the club. She let me go through hell and kept adding salt to my wounds only to talk about the worse moment in my life as if it were a goddamn joke to her. And now, as a result, Jax won't touch me. It's been a few days and it's as if I'm broken to him. Like he's bored with me. And they expect me to fall in line and be a good little girl. None of them realizing that they're the ones breaking me. People can only deal with so much before they break. And I'm almost there."
Holly laid on the bed in the cell, staring at the ceiling as she heard a couple people come back to her, letting out a deep sigh as she sat up, seeing David leading Jax and Opie to her cell.
"I'm not leaving. So you can just go back, Jackson."
"Stop being a brat, Holly and let's go."
"I'm not a brat! I've given you everything I had. My heart, my time, my life. I watched you go through two different relationships and multiple croweaters before you even gave me the time of day and the only reason you did that was because you were getting bored with Tara. I've given you my support and my love and you took everything and twisted it."
She took a deep breath, wiping away the angry tears filling her eyes as her raised voice echoed around the room and halls.
"You asked me to be Abel's mom and to get your crow, but when I ask you when you want me to get your crow, you keep putting it off. I go through something so horrible, you find out and then you act as if I'm a broken toy that you don't wanna play with anymore. Yes, I smile and I take care of business, but you've known me my entire life, Jackson! You should know what it looks like when I'm faking it! You should know what it looks like when I'm broken inside. I ask for the tiniest amount of comfort from you and it's like a chore for you. I wish your mom had never told you about the rape. No…..I wish my parents had taken me out of Charming. Just go away, Jax. You've taken everything I had. I have nothing left for you."
"Holly…Come on, babe."
"I'm not your babe. I'm not your old lady. I'm nothing. To you or the club. I don't want you to bail me out or take me home or do anything to me. Do what you have to do and leave me alone."
She sniffled as she sat back down, letting her tears fall as she waited to hear Jax and Opie walk away.
"Holly, you know I love you. Where is this coming from?"
"No you don't, Jax. Not anymore. We've slept together plenty of times since the rape and then suddenly you don't want it anymore? You keep trying to get your mom and I to be friends again despite knowing what she put me through? You don't love me. You love knowing you had me wrapped around your finger. I was just an eater to you. I'm done. With the club and with you. So go away."
Holly sat up as Piney came up to her cell, getting Wayne to open the door so she could talk to Piney.
"What are you doing here, Piney? I haven't seen you in a while."
"I heard about what happened to you and Gemma. Was wondering how you were doing."
"Did Jax or Opie send you? Cause if that's the case, you don't have to placate them with this. I'm not a charity case."
"Have I ever treated you like a charity case?"
"Everyone else has been the last few days. Why not you too?"
"I can tell you're angry."
"I'm not angry."
"Don't interrupt, little girl."
"Knock it off, Piney. Don't pretend you give a shit about me. You didn't pay much attention to me as a kid, why the hell would that shit change now?"
"Because you need someone to listen to your issues."
"And it's not gonna be you. You're no different than any other guy in that sense. You're just hoping to calm me down so I'll stop yelling. I'm not in the mood to be talked down to."
"Jax wants to help you but he doesn't know how. So if you're not gonna let him help you, find someone who you will let in."
"That's the point. I don't have anyone outside the club anymore. I've given everything to you fuckers."
"What about Gemma?"
"And the fact that you would ask me that proves my point."
She went back into her cell and shut the door, laying down on the bed, facing the wall. She rolled her eyes when she heard someone come down the hall. She wondered if there was just a line of the guys coming to talk to her. She looked back, surprised as shit to see Gemma standing and staring at her. She sat up again, watching her.
"What do you want, Gemma? What could you possibly have to say to me?"
"I wanted to say sorry. I knew what I was doing to you and all I could think about was my son and my husband."
"Thanks for telling me what I already knew. You can go now."
"I didn't mean to break your heart."
"You didn't break my heart. You did something so much worse. You broke my spirit. Your husband broke my heart and your son broke the rest of me. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose a child that you didn't get to know on the same day you found out you were pregnant? To have your power and your freedom and your sanity taken from you in one fell swoop? To not be able to tell the one person that could make you feel better what was hurting you so fucking bad that you were willing to leave them without so much as a goodbye or a fuck you? To be crushed under the weight of your anger, your guilt and your heartache at the same time? To give yourself to someone who you think loves you only to have them look at you like you're broken? To have the person you trust with everything be the person that stabs you in the back harder than anyone ever has? You're sorry that you hurt me? Are you sorry for getting Chibs blown up? For manipulating your son? For making your son watch his girlfriend go through the worst emotional pain she's ever been through?"
She watched as Gemma started crying, rolling her eyes as she stood up, going over to the door, hanging onto the bars.
"You were sitting on such a huge secret that didn't just involve you, and you did what you always did and dug your nails in, manipulating the situation to get the outcome you wanted, not caring who you hurt in the process. You're my godmother. The woman that my mother loved and trusted enough to leave me in your care should something happen to me while I was younger and you broke my heart harder than your son. Since you told him, we haven't slept together. He won't touch me. As if I were broken. Maybe I didn't handle it the way I should've, but I hit my breaking point. And it's your fault. Just like what happened to Chibs. If you had told Clay and Jax sooner, things would be different. If you had trusted them with this information, they might've done the same thing that they're doing now and things would've been better. Now I can't stand to look at you and my old man is pulling away from me. So the next thing out of your mouth had better be a hell of a lot better than a damn apology."
She glared at Gemma, shaking her head as Gemma floundered for something to say.
"I didn't think so. When you see your son, tell him I'll be staying somewhere else for a while and not to look for me. I need some space from SAMCRO for a while. And it starts now."
Holly sighed softly as she was brought to the clubhouse by Unser, climbing out when he parked, immediately going up to the roof, climbing up the ladder and sitting down, pulling out her phone and calling the airport, arranging for a flight to Italy, booking a flight for the next day before calling for a cab, glancing over when Jax came up and took her phone, closing it and putting it in her purse.
"This shit that's been going on is the reason I won't touch you. I'm trying to get right with the fact that you getting raped is my fault."
"It's not your fault, Jax."
"Shut up and let me finish. I never looked at you like a toy. You're not damaged goods. I watch you sleep at night, wishing I could turn back time and keep you from leaving with my mother. Keep you two from getting attacked. I haven't slept with you because I feel guilty. I got so wrapped up in my own shit with Clay and the club that I didn't realize you were breaking. But I love you. I kept putting off you getting my crow because the only one I trust to see you without a shirt and knowing that nothing's gonna happen is Happy. You are one of the most important people in my life and it would crush me if I lost you. I should've taken the time to talk and I'm sorry. You're not a toy or anything less than perfect in my eyes."
Before she could say anything else, he stood her up, cupping her face before pulling her in for a deep kiss, laying her down on the cement, starting to take their clothes off, kissing her neck.