Holly had forced herself to step into old lady mode, taking care of Jax, making sure he at least had pretzels to eat as he drank and smoked. She'd done her best to get him to move every now and then. Unsuccessfully. Chibs made her sit and feel everything she needed to feel that first day, making her sit and talk to him. She was currently making coffee as the guys came into the house. She looked at Clay.
"He's in the nursery."
She walked back with Opie, cleaning up the bottles and empty cigarette cartons, letting the guys in. She went to start a shower for Jax, having gotten good at getting him in and out on her own. She let Opie help her get him into the bathroom and out of his jeans and boxers before kicking him out so she could washing him up and dried off. She wrapped them both in towels before bringing him into the bedroom to get him dressed and getting dressed herself. As she went to put some socks on him, she looked up when she felt him grip her wrist gently. The first real movement he made that didn't involve cigarettes or alcohol.
"I can do it, babe."
"Are you sure? I don't mind helping you out."
"You haven't been helping out, Holly. You've been doing everything on your own."
"You're hurting, Jax. You've been numb. I don't mind doing things. It helps to stay busy."
"You're hurting too."
She shrugged as she bent down to put his socks on, biting back the thought on her mind. This was not the time to bring up her possible pregnancy. She looked at him as she stood up, helping him up.
"The guys are here. I guess Laroy found the guy that gave Cameron a fake ID or something."
"Ok. Would you mind making me some coffee?"
"Already did. And some breakfast. And before you argue, don't. You've been eating nothing but pretzels and whiskey. You need something substantial. I'm making the guys stay for breakfast too."
He nodded and kissed her softly. She kissed him back, trying really hard to stifle her gag reflex. He hadn't brushed his teeth yet and his mouth tasted like cigarette smoke, whiskey and morning breath. She pulled away and walked out with him, going to make the guys plates of food before making them all sit and eat, giving Jax a cup of coffee, kissing his head gently before going to the bathroom to empty her stomach as quietly as she could. She couldn't wait to hear the results from her OB. She brushed her teeth before going out, running into Jax, who was just about to knock on the door.
"Hey, babe. Did you get enough to eat?"
"Yeah. I just came to talk to you."
"Ok. Let's go into the bedroom."
She walked into the bedroom with him, closing the door before going to sit on the bed with him, looking at him.
"How are you doing with all this?"
"That's kind of a stupid question, Jax. I'm in pain. I couldn't catch up to Cameron and save Abel. I tried super hard and I failed. You made me his mom and I got Eddie killed and Abel kidnapped. I had hoped that I could at least get Cameron to take me with him and Abel so that you knew Abel had me with him, but I failed. So now I'm putting all of my focus on you so you can find our son and bring him home."
"This isn't on you, Holly. Stahl, once again, blamed one of us and didn't care about the consequences. A member's dead, mom's hiding out and our son is missing."
"Ya sobirayus' ubit' etu suku."
He pulled her in for a hug, kissing her head gently.
"I can't believe he killed the dog too. I know that's not the most important thing right now, but it's just….."
"I wanna talk to you about something else."
"If you're gonna tell me that I should leave you, I'm gonna kick your ass."
He looked at her, keeping quiet but she knew what he was saying. She got frustrated and smacked him across the face, the slap loud enough to echo throughout the silent room.
"I am not about to leave you at a time like this, Jackson Nathaniel Teller. No matter what you say. And not after all we've been through. It would take a lot for me to leave you."
"You deserve better than this. You shouldn't be a part of this."
"You don't get to make that decision for me, Jackson. I want you. No one else. Don't say shit like that again."
Holly stopped in her tracks as she looked out on the docks, the memories flooding her mind freezing her in place. She looked over at Chibs when he put his hand on her back.
"Why don't you stay here, lass? We got this."
"I'm not ok, Chibs. I have been so focused on taking care of Jax because that's all I can do right now. But being here? I can't….breathe. I feel like I'm gonna puke or pass out or something."
She let out a gasping sob, burying her face in Chibs' chest as he pulled her close, rubbing her back.
"It's my fault. Abel's gone because of me. Half-Sack is dead because of me."
"This isn't on you, lass. I promise you. We'll find Abel."
"And what if we don't?"
"Don't think like that, Holly. We'll find him and get him home where he belongs."
It took a few minutes to calm Holly down. She walked onto the dock with Chibs, looking around. She watched as Jax picked something up, closing her eyes when she saw him holding Abel's hat, turning around and walking back to the bikes. As she got back, she saw a couple guys pull in in a car. She didn't think anything of it until they ran back to their car, being chased by the guys. Sitting on the back of Jax's bike, she rode with him as he went with the guys to chase the two men. When Jax and Opie pulled up behind the others, she went over to the men holding guns.
"They weren't after you at the dock. The boat we were looking at, the guy that owns it kidnapped my 8 month old son. We just want him back."
"Irish guy?"
"Yeah…."
She looked at the black guy with hope in her eyes. Only to have it squashed immediately after.
"He didn't have no kid with him."
She closed her eyes, feeling her bottom lip start trembling as she nodded. She grabbed some cash from her purse, handing it over with shaky hands.
"For the window…."
Holly sat in the clubhouse with Lyla and the kids, sitting on the couch with her knees hugged to her chest, silently crying. She couldn't keep up pretenses anymore and it showed. She was breaking all over again and Jax had made it clear that he didn't want Holly alone. She looked over when Lyla called her name.
"Why don't you go lay down in Jax's room? Try and get some sleep."
"I don't sleep anymore. My mind plays tricks on me. I thought I could hear Abel crying for me and when I went into his nursery, I remembered that he wasn't….."
"Ok. Do you want some tea?"
"No."
"Will you at least eat something?"
"I can't keep anything down…"
"Holly, this isn't good for you or the baby."
"What do you want me to do, Lyla? I can't stomach anything and I can't sleep."
Opie called Lyla over as Holly buried her head in her knees, a fresh wave of hot tears streaming down her face. She ignored it when she heard her name being called, standing up to go to the bathroom. But the exhaustion was starting to take over and she made it as far as Opie at the bar before passing out, just barely feeling it when Opie caught her and picked her up. When she came to a couple hours later, she was in a hospital room, hooked up to an IV. She looked over when she heard movement, seeing Bobby stand up, seeing her awake.
"How long have I been out?"
"6 hours. You were massively dehydrated and undernourished and beyond exhaustion. Jax went home to relax a bit. I told him I'd keep an eye on you. The doctor wants you on bedrest for a while. I convinced him to draw up your discharge papers so I could take you home."
"Does Jax know about the baby?"
"He does now."
She nodded, rubbing her eyes gently before looking back at Bobby.
"I'm not doing so hot, Bobby."
"I know, sweetheart. No one is right now. Let's get you home and in bed. We'll take care of finding Abel. You work on getting better."
"I can't breathe. And I won't be able to until Abel's home."
Holly woke up, feeling Jax push some hair out of her face, looking up at him, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. She yawned as she sat up.
"Lyla brought over some food if you're hungry. I can heat something up for you."
"Ok. Thanks….."
She watched him move to leave, taking hold of his hand, stopping him from going any farther. She looked at him as he got back into bed next to her, pulling her close.
"I know. I'm not doing so good either."
"Even if you don't blame me, I blame myself. I should've done more."
"There was nothing more you could've done. There was nothing more I could've done."
"I am so tired, Jax."
"Then go back to sleep."
"Not that kind of tired. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't wanna have you take care of me like this or have you think that I can't handle things."
"You've been through a lot this past year. One thing after another with next to no time to come up for air in between. I'm struggling with it too."
"Are things ever gonna calm down, Jax? Or is this just gonna be our lives from now on? Because I don't think I can handle that. I don't think we could handle that. We need to be able to come up for air. And we can't right now."
"I honestly don't know. I would love to say yes. To tell you that things are gonna be perfect from here on out, but I just don't know."
Holly walked around the funeral home, ignoring the fact that she was supposed to be on bedrest, she had to do something. She walked around, making sure everything was perfect for Eddie's wake. She hesitated for a second before going into the room with Eddie's casket, closing the doors behind her before going up to his casket, kneeling down in front of it, kissing the side of it. Looking at the picture on top, she couldn't help but tear up, placing her hand on the side of it.
"I'm so sorry, Kip. You died in vain. Abel's gone, you're dead and everything's upside down. I wish I could take back what happened to you. I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat if it meant you were ok and Abel were home."
She stood up quickly when the doors opened, wiping her eyes before turning around, meeting Opie's eyes.
"You shoulder too much responsibility, Holly. Don't you ever get tired of it?"
"Every second of every day. But this is all I know. I didn't go to college so I can't be a lawyer or a doctor. I suck with cars and I've never been farther than Vegas. I have no other home, I don't talk to my parents' families and I couldn't bring myself to leave Jax."
"You need a break. We all do."
"Again, Ope….Where would I go?"
"I don't know. The cabin, Vegas, hell, go to Hawaii. But you and Jax need something."
"We need Abel back."
She walked outside, needing some air. She sat down on the wall next to Jax, taking a deep breath of the night air.
"Chibs is gonna take you home after the wake. I'm gonna crash at the clubhouse tonight."
"I don't wanna sleep alone. And I don't sleep well without you with me."
"I need a night to think, Hol. I'm working on autopilot just like you. I need to feel something and I can't right now."
She just nodded, looking down at her hands.
"I'll see if he can crash at the house with me, then."
"Ok. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I get it. I really do, babe. Just promise me you won't do something stupid?"
"I promise. Worse thing I'll do is drink until I pass out."
"I'll bring some pancakes over for you in the morning."
Neither one of them got to say anything else as gunshots rang out. She felt like everything was happening in slow motion. She hadn't gotten hit, but looking around at all the damage was intense. She didn't know what to do or where to go first. She looked to Jax, only to find him running towards one of the gunmen, watching in horror as he pounded the guy's head into the ground. She watched as the guys went to pull him back. She'd been waiting for him to break like that, but to watch it happen like that was terrifying. The screams and crying ringing in her ears didn't help. She had to look away, only to see David's brother, Jacob crying over David's body, making her fall to her knees and empty her stomach onto the sidewalk, feeling Lyla hold her hair and rub her back gently.