Jax watched Holly sleep, crying quietly as he watched her, holding onto his daughter, rocking her gently. Holly was right. As usual. He'd fucked up and he really hurt her. The one person in his life that had never let him down. That never turned their back on him. That was always in his corner no matter what. His guardian angel and his biggest supporter. He needed to make it up to her but he didn't know how. And as a result of this huge mistake, he'd missed the birth of his daughter. He wanted to be in the room for it and Holly actually had him pushed out of the room. He'd been forced to stay in the waiting room with the others. He looked down at Valentina, kissing her head gently before putting her in the bassinet before kissing Holly's head, feeling her wake up.
"What are you doing here, Jax?"
"I had to see you. Check on you."
"Have you been crying?"
"Yeah, I have. But it doesn't matter."
"What happened?"
She rubbed her eyes as she moved the bed so she was sitting up, looking at him. Despite how much he'd hurt her, he was still the love of his life and her old man.
"Talk to me, Jax."
"I'm sorry. I know you hate me and I know I hurt you, and I'd do anything to make it right. I'd give anything. I love you, Holly. When shit goes down, I wanna push you away to keep you safe, but I've come to need your guidance in everything I do, everything I come up against when I don't know what to do. It would kill me to lose you or the kids. I'm begging. Please give me another chance?"
She let a couple tears fall as she listened to him, watching him get onto his knees next to her bed and take her hand. She'd never seen him beg like this.
"I love you, Jax. I always have. Some of that was pregnancy hormones, but to have everything that I've done for you be shit on like that hurt more than I've ever been hurt before."
"I'd give anything to go back in time to take back what I said. To keep myself from saying that shit."
She sat there, thinking for a couple minutes. She could forgive him and be a family with him again. Or she could be strong and prove her point. But her need for comfort and to feel loved won out.
"You ever hurt me like that again and I'll take the kids, leave Charming and you will never see us again. And I'm not kidding. I can be as strong as I need to be, but I will not be treated like this. By anyone. Especially not by someone that I've given my life to. Am I clear?"
"Yes. Crystal clear."
Holly sat in bed, feeding Valentina, humming to her softly, looking up when someone knocked on the door, telling them to come in, smiling a bit when she saw Chibs, glad she was covered up.
"Hey, lass. Sorry to disturb you. Lyla dropped off some food and Jax asked me to bring you home today. If you're ok with that."
"Thanks, Chibby. I appreciate it."
"How are you feeling, lass?"
"Raw. Emotional. Like I wanna curl up and sleep for days."
"You know Jax loves you, right?"
"I know. It doesn't erase the sting."
"I know. Things are tense around the club with the cartel shit."
"I know. I just hate that the cartel is even a thing in club business. Cartels are no joke and I have a feeling that this is gonna end badly."
"None of us would let anything happen to you or the little ones. You mean too much to us to let anything happen to you."
She smiled at him, bringing Valentina out to burp her, adjusting her bra.
"Why don't you eat, take a nap and then I'll bring you home?"
"I actually wanna just go home and nap in my own bed. I've already signed the papers. You mind taking me home now?"
"Of course, lass. Let me get you a chair and I'll wheel you out."
Holly woke up hearing Valentina crying, getting up and going into the nursery, picking her up to change her and feed her, sitting down in the rocker, yawning deeply. She was exhausted and so hungry. She hadn't eaten since the night before after Valentina was born. She'd fallen asleep in the car when Chibs took her home and he had to carry her inside after he put the baby in her crib. She finished feeding the baby before going downstairs to find one of the prospects downstairs, eating cereal as he watched TV.
"Hey, dude. You want something to drink?"
"You're awake. I hope you don't mind that I grabbed a bowl of cereal."
She noticed that he had a mixing bowl of Lucky Charms.
"I don't mind. But you'll have to replace the box of cereal. It's the only kind Abel eats."
"I will. But I was told not to leave you alone."
"I don't need a babysitter. I can take care of myself."
"Jax's orders, ma'am."
She sighed softly and looked at him.
"I know that's supposed to be a sign of respect, but I hate being called ma'am. It makes me feel older than I actually am. Call me Holly. Ok?"
"Ok, Holly. Sorry."
She nodded, making herself some tea. She looked over when she heard someone come, looking over at Gemma, giving her a small smile. Things weren't ok between them, despite having Gemma in the room when Valentina was born. She needed to fix things.
"Want some coffee?"
"Yeah. Where are the kids?"
"Neeta took the boys to park and to run some errands and Valentina's asleep."
"Where's Jax?"
"I don't know. Probably clubhouse."
"Have you read the letters?"
"No. Jax hasn't asked me to."
"He didn't tell you what was in them?"
"Hold on."
She looked over at the prospect.
"You mind doing something for me?"
"What is it, Holly?"
"Would you mind picking up a few things from the store for me?"
"Um….I'm not supposed to leave you alone."
"I'm not alone. Gemma's here. We both have guns. We'll be fine."
She wrote down a few things that she really did need, handing him the list and some cash from her purse.
"Ok. I'll get this stuff."
"Thanks, dude. Drive safe."
She looked at Gemma when he left, putting the big bowl into the sink.
"He told me that JT had written to Maureen saying things like he noticed you and Clay getting closer. He mentioned how much Thomas' death hurt him. And that, if his letters to Maureen stopped, he'd be sure it would be because of you and Clay. Jax is pissed off about them, but I don't think he told Clay anything about it yet because of the cartel shit."
"You need to reign him in about these letters."
"Gemma, stop. I know things will be bad, but Jax and I are going through something right now. I'm dealing with a newborn, a 1 year old and a 5 year old. I don't have time or energy or patience to deal with much right now. So if you want this fixed, it's on you to fix it. I'm not getting in the middle of it."
Holly sat in the living room with Jax and the kids, playing with Abel and Tommy as Jax held onto Val, enjoying their time as a family. She'd finally gotten to read the letters, but she was trying not to think about them right now. She needed as much happiness as she could get for a little while. She looked back when the doorbell rang.
"Come on in."
She looked at Abel with a smile.
"Wanna go see who it is, buddy?"
"Yeah!"
She smiled, laughing softly when she heard Abel call Juice's name, holding onto Tommy, kissing his head as he colored at the table, hearing Juice bring Abel into the living room.
"Hey, Juice. We just finished dinner, but I can heat something up if you're hungry."
"I am, but I need to talk to Jax for a minute."
"I'll go heat up some meatloaf for you."
She stood up, putting Tommy down so he could color again, kissing Juice's cheek on the way into the kitchen, making a plate for Juice before bringing it in for him, getting him to sit down, playing with Abel again.
"So, Juice, what's going on?"
He took a deep breath before looking at Jax.
"Roosevelt had me brought in from the weed shop. He's trying to blackmail me."
"What's he blackmailing you with? The weed?"
"No. My dad."
She looked at him in confusion.
"I thought you hadn't ever seen your dad?"
"No I haven't. But he's…."
"He's what, Juice?"
He took a deep breath, tears filling his eyes, obviously trying not to freak out.
"He's black."
She looked at Jax, knowing Juice was freaking. The club had been created in a time of racism acceptance. She couldn't help but smile at Jax before looking over at Juice as Jax responded to Juice.
"It doesn't matter what you are as long as you're a loyal member. You should know that by now, bro."
She looked at Juice, putting her hand on his knee gently.
"Take a breath, Juice. You're panicking over nothing. It's a different time now than it was when the club was created. You're fine. And don't like that douchenozzle blackmail you with something that doesn't matter."
Holly looked at Jax as she walked into the bedroom after putting Valentina down for bed. She stood in the door frame for a minute.
"This thing with the cartel….I get Clay's end of things. He wants to go out with a bang. Set something up for him and Gemma. But I don't trust it. And I no longer trust Clay. Not just because of the letters or the cartel. He's doing the same thing that McGee did that he killed him for. The gun running is one thing, but drugs? Babe, that's huge. I don't understand your vote for it. So I need you to explain it to me."
He sighed softly, looking at his lap for a minute before looking at her.
"All of the shit that's happened has made me think. It's one of the only things I thought about in Stockton, even before I knew about the letters. How are we gonna raise the kids in this? What's their future gonna be like if I keep going with this? What's your future gonna be like? I don't want you to end up like my mother. Her whole life is the club and Clay. I want you to have a break from club shit and the fallout. I want the boys to know something different than watching their dad running from the cops and going to jail. I don't want Valentina to think that being an old lady means dedicating her life to club shit. I wanted out. Until I read those letters. Those goddamned letters that threw shit sideways. I need to know that my club, my brothers, my family is safe from Clay and his lust for power. If he's willing to kill my old man to become president, what else is he willing to do? I don't wanna find out."
"But you haven't told him about the letters."
"Not yet. When Clay told me about the drugs, I made a deal with him. My vote for my out. I wanted out when he stepped down and for him to push for Ope to take the gavel. But when I read those letters….."
"You changed your mind."
"Yeah. I can't leave the club in his hands, Holly. He'll run into the fucking ground, and I won't let that happen."
She nodded, looking at him.
"So what's your plan? And do you need help?"
"I'm gonna go along with this drug thing for the cartel for a while. Put in some time. Once things settle down, I'm gonna call for a change in leadership. Bring my dad's manuscript and the letters as evidence."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Things'll get bad. I need to know that you and the kids are protected."
"I can call Laroy. See if he could spare a friend for a while."
"I don't want to get in bed with your grandpa, but see if he could spare someone too. I need to know you're safe. All of you."
She nodded, going over to him, climbing into bed and curling into him, resting her head against his chest, feeling him kiss her head gently.
"I'll call them in the morning."