Holly walked into the clubhouse with all 4 kids. The delivery with her youngest, Lilia Dawn had been incredibly difficult. Lilia had been born through c-section and the recovery for Holly sucked. But she was out now and feeling better. She'd graduated not too long before Lilia was born and Jason had let her work at the firm under his wing. She looked at Chibs as he came over to her, kissing his cheek softly, letting him take Lilia from her.
"How are you feeling, lass?"
"Exhausted. Lilia was up and down all night with a fever. I'm just glad it broke this morning. So I figured I would take advantage of my built in babysitters, check in on my guys, find my old man and get some sleep."
"Are you sure it's sleep you're after with Jax?"
She smirked at him, taking off her sunglasses.
"Now where's the fun in telling you the answer?"
"You're too much sometimes, lass."
"Always, Chibby. Now where is Jax?"
"He had to take a trip up to Diosa to talk to Nero."
"Shit. I don't want to leave you guys with the kids."
"Well, that's what eaters are for."
She couldn't help but smile, kissing his cheek before going to put the diaper bags in Jax's room, looking at Tig as she came back out. She'd been doing her best to get Tig and Venus together, but Tig was dragging his heels a bit.
"Hey, Tiggy. You call Venus yet?"
"No. And I'm not gonna."
"I think you're being an idiot about this."
"I'm not looking for a relationship, doll."
"Sure you are. Everyone is. You're just scared. You should call her. She'll be good for you. And you need something good right now."
"I've got you and my goddaughter. I'm good."
She went over to Tig and cupped his face gently.
"I'm tired of seeing that lonely look on your face, Alex. I want you to be happy. And I think Venus is that happiness for you. You need to be happy again. So call her? At least invite her for dinner. But take a chance. Ok?"
"I love you, Holly. How are you still so sweet after all the shit you've gone through? Any normal person would've run away forever ago."
She thought for a second before looking back at him.
"I could wallow in all of that misery and let that hatred and sadness in and let it destroy me and my love for Jax and the kids and the club, or I can use that as fuel to motivate me to help Jax to make this life safer for our babies and give them the choices that I never got. To make this life better. And things are calming down and, even if they weren't, I have people in my life that I can go to when things are too much."
Holly sat in her office, talking on the phone with her first client, getting the information she needed, not hearing Wendy come up to her desk until she got off the phone.
"Hey, Holly. I got your call. What'd you want to see me about?"
"Hey, Wendy. Before we get into that, you want some lunch? One of the interns is about to come around to get lunch orders."
"Yeah. I could eat."
She looked over as the intern, Johnny, came in for lunch orders, letting Wendy order first before giving her own. She waited until Johnny left before looking back at Wendy.
"Now, on to business. The reason I called you here is because I've been doing some thinking. Jax won't admit it but, and by the way this isn't me bragging, he can't function without me. I heard from all the guys how lost he was when I was in my coma after the rape. It would be stupid to pretend the life isn't dangerous. I have the scars and medical bills to prove it. I won't leave because Jax won't leave. I know that sounds codependent, and maybe part of it is, but Jax and the kids are my whole world. I almost died the night that Lilia was born. I lost quite a bit of blood and things were really scary for a while. And it got me thinking. Up until now, I've been so busy dealing with my own shit on top of helping Jax with his that he and I never talked about what would happen to the kids if something happened to us. The latest close call has made me think about this a lot lately. Part of me doesn't want to talk about this with you, but I've put a lot of thought into it and I can't just leave my kids with nothing. I want to make you guardian if something happens."
"What? Why me?"
"I'd leave them with Ope and Lyla, but they've got 4 kids on their own and Lyla's working as an escort with Nero. The kids would be in the same situation if I gave them to another member. All of the friends I've made here at work, yes they've babysat from time to time, but they're not close enough for me to give my kids to them. I'd consider Tara if our situation were different. I'd give them to my uncle or my cousin, but they're mob. I love my family, but I won't allow my kids to grow up in that. And that leaves you or foster care. I won't let my kids go through that hell. You're the only one that understands this life and knows enough about who Jax and I are to be able to raise them the way we want them to be raised."
"Out of the life?"
"Not necessarily. I want them to know the guys like I did, but I want them to have the choices I never got in life. I only ever knew the club and this opportunity to become a lawyer didn't really become available until late in the game. I love Jax and everything he's given me, but I don't want the kids to have our life. I want them to know the side of the club that I fell for, but not the danger. If that's even a possibility."
"I don't know about this, Holly. Besides, you closed that door on me."
"I know. And I'm opening it back up. But this is your absolute last chance. If you say no to this, you'll lose the connection to Abel forever."
"Can I think about it?"
"Of course. I'm gonna give you a copy of the kids' medical stuff just in case you say yes."
"What about Jax?"
"I'll talk to him. We have other options, but in my opinion, you're the best option right now."
Holly sat in the clubhouse, watching the kids play together as she went through a copy of hers and Jax's will, looking over when she heard someone come in frantically, seeing Ima come in beaten, bruised and burned in a couple places, wrapped up in only a blanket. She stood up and went over to her with Chibs, helping her inside and over to the couch, asking Chucky and one of the eaters to take the kids outside, hearing Tig calling Jax as Bobby called Tara. She helped Chibs start cleaning Ima's cuts when Tig handed her his phone.
"Jax wants your opinion."
"Baby?"
"Is this a real thing? Drama follows that whore everywhere she goes. And she's caused nothing but trouble for the club."
"If you could see her right now, you wouldn't asking that. You'd be out for blood."
"Alright. I'm on my way."
Holly walked into the porn studio with Jax and guys, getting increasingly nauseous with everything she saw. As angry as she was at everything she saw, what pushed her over the edge was seeing the woman tied up in a cage that was hanging above the ground. That's what made her see red. What blinded her with white hot rage. She grabbed one of the brothers by his head and bashed it as hard as she could against the wall, the breaking of his nose echoing through the space, the grunt of pain coming from the man only fueling her anger. It was as if her vision actually went red, letting out YEARS of pain and agony and pent up aggression on this one man, pounding his head against the wall until she was pulled away by Opie and Happy, seething and out of breath as Opie dragged her outside, only letting her go when they were far enough away, setting her down on her feet.
"Holly? What the fuck was that?"
"Let me back in there, Ope, I wasn't done."
"You just killed him, Holly. You're done."
"What about the women?"
"We'll get them out and to the hospital or wherever they want to go."
"That's great. Now let me back in there."
"Now way in hell. You need to calm your shit. You've got smoke coming out of your ears and you're seething."
"I'm fine."
"Holly?"
She looked over as Jax came over, moving away from his touch, still eyeing the door.
"The other guy got away. But we'll get him, babe. You need to relax."
"I don't need to relax! I need to hit something!"
"Come on, babe."
She followed him, keeping out of his reach. She was angrier than she'd EVER been and desperately wanted to hit the next person that touched her. She looked at him when he led her back inside, pointing her to the guy they had locked in the cage, handing her his gun.
"You really wanna do this, kill this prick. I know you've got a lot to let out, so let it out."
"I'm not gonna shoot him. Let him out of the cage."
She took off her shirt as Jax motioned for Tig to let the guy out, her shorts coming off next. She ignored Jax's looks and questions as she grabbed some rope from the table next to her, tying the guy's hands behind her back in angry silence, making the rope as tight as she could around his wrists before leading him to the bathtub full of piss. She looked at the guy for a second.
"You assholes like raping women? Now you're gonna know our pain."
She tied the other end of the rope to a hook that was above her, making sure the rope was just long enough to give her complete control over his fate. She grabbed Jax's gun from the table and went back over to him. She put the gun against the guy's head, standing behind him.
"I'll give you a choice. Bullet or the tub?"
"I'm not choosing, you psycho bitch!"
She cocked the gun, pressing it against his head harder.
"A or B? There is no fucking C."
"You're crazy!"
"And you've made your choice….."
She uncocked the gun and tossed it aside, putting her head on the back of his head, pushing his head into the tub, trying not to get splashed as he struggled, pulling him out after a minute.
"Holly? What the fuck are you doing?"
She ignored Jax as she watched the guy, letting him catch his breath before pushing his head back into the tub. She watched him struggle for another couple minutes before pulling him out again, watching him struggle to breathe.
"You scared yet, bitch?"
She watched him nod and splutter.
"Beg me to live. Beg me to spare you from anymore torture. Better yet, spare the guys to save you from the death you're gonna get if you don't make it convincing."
She got a sick thrill as she watched and listened to the guy plead to the guys, all of whom were watching Holly in shock, fear and disgust. They all knew she had a lot she was holding onto and reliving and they had expected her to reach this point. But they hadn't expected her to break like this. The only one who was impressed was Happy, and even he felt a shiver of fear run down his spine. Jax knew Holly would feel horrible for this later, but right now all he could focus on was the sick things his old lady was doing right now.
"Holly, let him go. You've made your point. Just back away, babe."
Jax watched her back off slowly, carefully going over to the guy to untie him, not seeing Holly grab his gun from the ground until she shot him in the back of the head.
Holly looked over as Jax came into the bedroom after he put all of the kids to bed. She still hadn't calmed down completely from her explosion from earlier, but she went from being completely murderous to being intensely angry. She was putting lotion on her legs as he watched her from the doorframe.
"You ready to talk now?"
"About what?"
"You know what, Holly. I've seen you angry, I've seen you heartbroken. I was expecting you to break but not enough to scare Happy. You didn't terrify him, but you scared him."
"What were you expecting, bringing me there? I told you I didn't want to go. You kept insisting that I needed to have something happen to let go of all of the pain I've been holding onto. You can't honestly stand there and tell me you were expecting me to just shoot those fucking pricks after seeing the shit they had in that space. After seeing what they did to Ima. You had to have known, at least a little, that it would've brought back bad memories and I would go nuclear. You're not stupid, Jax. You wanted me to break and I did. You can't be pissed off when you get the results you wanted."
"That's not what I wanted, Holly. I can understand you bashing that guy's head into the wall repeatedly. That was what I was expecting. But drowning that Persian prick in a tub full of piss and vinegar? Torturing him and making him beg? That's not you."
"Oh? And having two women raped to get their old men to stop selling guns to the Niners and Mayans is acceptable? Having a friend of the club kidnap your son out from your old lady's hands is acceptable? Having ex members of your late mother's boyfriend's old gang kidnapped and videotape a gang-rape and having them knock out your old lady hard enough to cause her brain to swell to the point where she needs to put in a fucking coma is ok with you?"
"Of course, Holly! But you're not a killer! You're not Happy! You're not supposed to be part of club life like this!"
"So you want me barefoot and pregnant, taking care of your kids, your friends, your house and your fucking clubhouse?"
"You know that's not what I meant. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're turning into someone I don't recognize!"
"This is what happens when people reach their breaking point! Which is what you wanted, Jackson! You said it yourself! You wanted me to break and kill someone!"
"I wanted you to break and work through whatever was holding you back."
"But I was fine! I was using my pain and my anger to fuel my motivation to make sure that our kids don't turn into us! I love you and I love us together, but you can't tell me that you and I are a functional couple! You're a fucking outlaw biker that doesn't know anything else and I'm a girl who doesn't know anything else but how to take care of other people! I've been trained from such a young fucking age to keep my feelings to myself and focus on my family and their feelings! And I've failed at everything! Abel was taken from my arms and I couldn't get to him in time. I didn't try hard enough to show you that I was happy with you and you fucked some whore. I told Lyla where she could go to get that fucking abortion and Opie slept with Ima who turned around and waved a loaded gun around my babies. I didn't do more to help bring down Clay and he broke in and almost killed me. I gave Gemma more chances than she deserved and she almost killed my kids. You wanted me to break and I fucking broke. And you're gonna stand there and tell me that you weren't expecting me to turn into who I did? You're smarter than that, Jax."
"I wasn't expecting what I saw. Not from you. From Hap, definitely. But not from the sweet girl who used to walk around in pigtails and skirts, making sure that everyone had at least had one cookie from the batch that her mother made for the club. The girl that always let people in and made sure that everyone had a smile on their face."
"That girl died a long time ago."
"No she hasn't. Because I see that girl everytime you're around our kids. When you're bringing lunch to us at the clubhouse to make sure we're eating more than beer, whiskey and pretzels. But as soon as you don't have anyone to take care of in the moment, you just….float. Almost like you don't know what to do with yourself. Like you're trying to keep yourself from breaking. I want the girl I fell in love with back."
She looked at him with tears dripping down her face and her lip quivering, standing in the room, both of them standing in total silence.
Jax woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, taking a look at the note Holly left for him on the bathroom door.
'Hi, baby. I was thinking about what you said, and you're right. That girl is still there somewhere. She's not dead, she's just lost. I'm heading up to unce Jury's to find her again. There's some milk in the fridge and freezer for Lilia and I wrote out the kids' allergies and stuff for whoever watches them while you're at the clubhouse or out doing whatever. I also have a recording of Valentina's bedtime song on my iPod for her and a couple stories for the kids if you have trouble putting them down for bed. I'm sorry about what I said or if it came out sounding like I blame you for the shit I've been through. I don't. I never have. I love you and you will forever be my always. I took my dad's bike and left you the van in case you or someone else needs to take the kids somewhere. I'll call you when I wake up tomorrow. Please try not to worry too much. And tell Happy I'm sorry if I scared him. Xoxoxoxo - Holly'