Chapter Five

Emmett and I have to meet with our Chapter House director four times during the second week of November. Normally, I'm fine with meeting Professor Ephraim Carter at the agreed-upon times, but it's Emmett's anxiety that makes it all uncomfortable. With the upcoming football festival quickly approaching, Coach Clapp has doubled up on their practices and Emmett is stressed out.

We normally meet with Ephraim roughly twice a Quarter - beginning and end - but clearly he has other plans for us this year. I don't think that he understands just what we have to do on a daily basis. It's as if he thinks we don't have our own lives to live.

The man has questions about the budget, about our expected intake when we get into the new year, about house maintenance, about the dynamics of the boys in the house, and so many other things that make me think that there's probably more going on here than Ephraim would like us to know.

Because, if I'm being perfectly honest; he seems very interested in me and my performance as both the House President and as a student. His questions are so probing that even Emmett notices.

"Me thinks that it has something to do with Bella," Emmett mentions to me as I drive him from the main campus to football practice.

I think it too, but I'm curious to find out his reasons. "Why do you say that?"

"I mean, think about it, Masen; it'd make sense that the Secret Service people or even the President checked you out, you know? You are spending time with the first daughter. They'd be remiss not to do some kind of background check on the middle Masen."

I sigh. "But to question my Professors; isn't that a little extreme?"

"She's the President's daughter, Masen," he says. "I don't think there's such a thing as 'extreme.'"

"So you reckon they know?" I ask. "Do you think she knows?"

Emmett shrugs. "I don't know, man. Has she said anything that makes you think she does?"

"There's a lot about me that she doesn't yet know," I admit. "I haven't even told her that my dad is dead."

He turns to look at me, and I can practically feel his eyes on me. "Bro, that's not okay. You have to tell her."

"I know."

"The next time you see her, Edward."

I just nod, my jaw clenching. He's right, of course. I've put it off for too long. I'm sure that I'll be able to tell her that he's dead without actually telling her how. Or why. There's too much to the story. There's too much to tell, and I'm not sure that I want to.

After I drop Emmett off, I head back to the house. I know he's right. It's one thing to want some kind of relationship with Bella, and then not even tell her some of the more important things about my life. But how am I supposed to tell her? How do I even bring it up without telling her everything else?

Ephraim's given us work to do, with regards to the events we'll be holding to bring in a fresh set of freshmen when we get back from Christmas Break. Like most Chapter Houses, we hold events before we break up as well, just to give the kids something to think about when they go home, and so discuss with their parents. It's the best time to get them hooked.

Our expected intake isn't that high. I mean, we don't have a lot of space, though our freshmen are usually okay with sharing rooms. The political climb is rather quick in here, if you know what you're doing. I can attest to that, really, because I'm a Junior, and the Chapter House President. I also have the best fucking room.

To be honest, I'm a little on edge about the questions Ephraim was asking me. Frankly, if Bella's people have questions about me; all they have to do was ask.

I work until late. Or early, depending on how you look at it. The truth is that I don't think that I'd be able to sleep, even if I tried. I'm due a visit home, and I think I'm planning for Thanksgiving, but school is being a bitch. Our exams are probably going to screw me over, at the rate I'm going.

In the end, I fall asleep at my desk, and it's the sound of Jasper banging on my door that jerks me awake.

"Fuck," I hiss.

"You've got class in twenty minutes!" Jasper yells through the door, and I'm up. Definitely up. I don't waste any time. I jump in and out of the shower, brush my teeth, and then I'm running to class. I'd be an idiot to think I can find parking in this mess, and the Shuttles are going to be too fucking full.

I make it to class with fifteen seconds to spare. Our lecturer raises his eyebrows when I fly in, but nobody says anything. I find a seat near the back and just pray that I can get through this day that already feels like it's going to be one of those.

Somehow, I manage it, and I even arrive on time for my shift at the library. Mrs Cope offers me a timid smile, and then leaves me to my musings. If I think it's weird that she's not trying to engage me in conversation; I'm not about to complain. I'll welcome the silence after the whirlwind of a day I've just had.

But Bella is here, so there isn't much quiet to go around. I'm halfway to stalking over to the tables with people who clearly aren't here to work and telling them to get the fuck out, when my phone vibrates in my pocket.

It's a message from Bella.

Bella: Stop frowning. Clearly, someone told you that you looked sexy when you did, and they lied.

I laugh, my eyes darting her way, but she's decidedly not look my way. I wish she would. I really want to see her eyes. I need to see her eyes. I reckon they have the power to ground me somehow and, after the day - the fucking week - I've just had; I'd just like to see her and have her look at me.

Edward: Come talk to me.

Bella: So demanding.

Edward: Come here.

Then:

Edward: Please, Bella.

It takes a moment for her to stand up, but she doesn't come my way. In fact, she heads into the library. I don't say that lightly, because there's a lot of library to my wing. Even though we deal mainly with fiction and second-hand books; there's an entire section devoted to what I refer to as 'book limbo.' It's a place for books that have no place. Or, just books that people haven't bothered to find places for.

That's where she's headed, and I'm expected to follow.

I wait three long minutes before I grab a stack of random books and head in a different direction. I shelve a few before I dump them, and then disappear through the bookshelves in search of the one person I want to see.

All the cloak and dagger makes me want to take her in my arms and kiss her for all she's worth. I don't do that, though she's the one to draw me into a hug - our first one - which lasts for all of twelve seconds. That's definitely longer than normal. What kind of friends hug for that long?

I find that I don't want to let her go.

Bella takes a small step away from me when the hug finally ends. Really, she looks a little dazed. Serves her right, making me feel all light-headed and needy.

"Edward, your hair," she says. "Do you even own a comb?"

I chuckle, absently running a hand through my mess of hair. "It was a rough morning," I say. It actually has been a rough day, and I can't quite remember if I've eaten anything today. My mom would probably be disappointed to learn that I haven't.

Bella steps back towards me, her eyes never leaving my face. "Are you still not sleeping?" she asks.

"I have a lot of work," I say. "I want to get it done so I can watch Emmett's games without feeling guilty about it. I have four assignments due next week. I think I might cry."

She gently touches my forearm.

"Bella," I say.

"I want you to be happy too, Edward," she says seriously. "I just don't think that I'm the person to make that happen."

I frown. What is she talking about? Where is any of this even coming from? "Who have you been talking to?"

"What?"

I step back. "Bella, what do you know?"

"What do I know about what? Edward, what's wrong?"

I lean against the bookshelf behind me, feeling winded all of a sudden. Emmett told me that I should tell her the next time I see her. Now is as good as any, isn't it? Which is why I end up blurting it out: "My dad is dead."

Bella's eyes widen, and she looks genuinely surprised. Well, clearly, she didn't know, which means that she doesn't know about the circumstances surrounding his death. "I'm sorry to hear that, Edward."

I run another hand through my hair, bringing it to rest at the back of my neck. "He died my senior year of high school, weeks before I graduated. I wasn't going to come to Chicago, but my family convinced me that I could. So I did. I just left, Bella. I just left, when they needed me, and now they need me more than ever but I'm still here, and you need to know. I'm not some guy who has everything figured out."

"I didn't think that you were."

I laugh. I can't help it. "You're crazy."

"And you're sometimes an asshole."

My emotions feel like they're spinning out of control, and I can barely keep hold of them. I just told her that I'm completely messed up, and she looks perfectly fine. Maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe I need to unleash all my crazy, and then she'll leave. Perhaps she'll be better at staying away than I am.

But we both know that she failed at that as well.

"Are you going home for Thanksgiving?" Bella asks.

"I am, yeah," I say. "My flight is on the Wednesday afternoon. Are you?"

She nods. "Flying out Wednesday morning."

"Ooh, is Miss Swan planning on bunking her lectures?"

She blushes, her cheeks tingeing a beautiful pink that makes me smile. I swear, I can spend the rest of my life looking at her.

"Bella?"

She looks up. "Hmm?"

I have to force myself to say the words, mainly because I know that they're going to bring up one of those things that we just don't talk about. I know it's going to ruin this moment, but I have to say it. "What's it going to take to convince you that we can work?" I ask. "How do I get you to believe that I'm in it, whatever the consequences?"

She shifts her weight from her left foot to her right one, clearly uncomfortable. "Edward, I thought we decided."

"No, Bella," I argue; "You decided." I lean forward. "What about my choice? You can't just take it away from me. What if I can handle it?"

"And what if you can't?" she shoots back, clearly unimpressed with this topic of conversation. She's probably just as tired as I am with all the roundabout conversations. Will we, won't we? "Do you think that I don't know what I'm talking about? Do you really think that you're the first person who's stood there and vowed that they can handle it?"

"But what if I can?" I press.

She glares at me. There's this person that she is; this truly open, carefree person, who's practically begging to be let out, but she's keeping her locked away. But why? She's definitely afraid of something. Is she worried for me, or is she really worried for herself?

"So you won't even let us try?"

She takes a long, deep breath. "Not now," she eventually says. "Not now."

I feel hope flare in my chest, and I know I should stamp it down. If she's so convinced that she's going to end up ruining me, then this is how she's going to do it. "Then when, Bella? What do I have to do?"

"I don't know, Edward. Can't you just - ?"

"Can't I just what?"

"Can't you just understand that I know what it feels like; that I've looked someone in the eye, and believed their words and been burned anyway?"

I stare at her, and I can see it as clear as day. She's terrified; of me. She's unwilling to try because she's so scared and, really, I don't have time for this. I'm a well-established human being, with responsibilities that go beyond trying to convince a freshman that I want to be with her. I'm Edward Masen, for God's sake.

I take an involuntary step back. "So this isn't even about me?" I ask. "Do you really think you're the only person who's been burned? It doesn't make you special, Bella. It just makes you human. It makes whoever hurt you human as well."

Silence.

"Fine," I eventually say, spitting the word out. "I don't want all our conversations to be about this anyway. Just call me when you're ready to stop acting like a fucking child."

She flinches, and I immediately regret my outburst. For a moment, I'm sure that her Secret Service men are going to come running in and lock me away somewhere. Wouldn't that be something? What would happen to my family then?

It's better this way, I think.

I want to walk away, but I can't bring myself to do it. How am I supposed to just walk away, when it's the last thing I want to do?

"Help me, Bella," I plead. "Give me something."

Her jaw clenches. "Do you know what it's like?" she asks, her voice cracking. "Do you really think this is easy for me? Do you think this is what I want?"

I don't know why I feel irrationally angry, but I am, and I know I'm going to say something I'll regret. Despite that, I can't stop myself. "I don't give a shit!" I snap. "I'm sorry that you think your life is so hard, Bella; I really am, but you aren't the only person with a hard life, all right?" I'm on a roll and I don't think I can stop even if I try. Fuck, I really should get more sleep. "Do you have any idea what I have to deal with on a daily basis? You think I want to spend my days trying to convince you that I want to be with you? Do you really think I have nothing better to do with my time?"

For a moment, we just glare at each other. I'm tired of shouting questions at her and, really, I don't think that I can handle having her shout her own questions at me anymore. We're getting nowhere, and I think it's time for -

Oh shit, she's crying.

"Fuck, Bella, don't cry," I say, my voice catching. "Why are you crying? Please don't cry."

She wipes at her eyes, as if she's irritated with herself. "I'm sorry if all of this is hard work for you, Edward."

"This is hard work?" I ask sarcastically. "Do you have any idea how easy it would be to just be with you? It's hard work staying your friend!"

"Then maybe we shouldn't even be friends," she snaps, and it's out of anger, I can tell.

But it's true.

"Maybe," I agree, and this is it. I'm halfway to panicking when she meets my gaze and holds it.

"I told you I wasn't going to sleep with you," she says softly.

"And I don't fucking care," I tell her. "This is me, and I'm asking you to try with me... why the fuck isn't that enough for you? Aren't I enough?"

"Edward?"

"I have a life that demands my full attention," I say. "My mother, my nephew, my degree, my fucking career! I think it's time that I just accept that you clearly don't want me enough to fucking forget everything else, and let this be it for us."

She stares at me for a long while, something like a rebuttal hanging on her lips. But, when she finally speaks, it's nothing that either of us wants to hear. "Okay."

I swallow. "Okay." And then I walk away.

She lets me.

When I get home, there is a message from Bella on my phone. I'm tempted not to read it, mainly because I'm all Bella'd out for one day.

Of course, though, I'm a masochist and I read it.

Bella: I'm sorry. I'm doing this all wrong. I shouldn't be doing this at all. I know it's too much to ask you to understand without actually explaining it to you, but I am. I'm just trying to protect you. Please don't hate me.

My heart hurts. I can't help the sudden guilt that I feel. I mean, I think I'm entitled to get frustrated, but I shouldn't have expressed it the way that I did. I don't want us to be done.

And, frankly, there are many things about my life that I haven't explained to her either. Can I blame her? Am I allowed to?

I throw my phone down onto my bed and just about manage to distract myself with work. I'm stressed enough without adding Bella to the situation. Right now, it's probably easier to focus on the four assignments I have due.

But I can't. I have to respond.

Edward: I don't hate you, Bella. But I also don't want to be protected. I just want to be with you.

It's too much, I know, but I still send it. I need her to know.

Her reply doesn't come until I'm seconds away from falling asleep. Truly, this has been one of the longest days ever. It feels like it's been four days in one, and I've really been put through the emotional ringer. It's always one step forward and two steps back, and I'm annoyed with myself for constantly pushing for more.

This is crazy, isn't it? It's not like I'm asking her to marry me - even though it sort of feels like I am. Somehow, it feels like, if we ever did, it would be for forever. She'd be it, because my irrational brain has made her 'the one.'

I haven't actually read Bella's message when my phone rings. One look, and it's Bella. I'm not sure I want to answer, but I do anyway.

"Hullo," I mumble, my sleep-brain clear in my voice.

"Did I wake you?"

"No." I yawn.

She lets out a breath. "I wanted to tell you something," she says.

"I'm listening."

"This isn't about you, you're right," she tells me. "It's not even about the fact that I've been hurt before." I don't say a word. "There were boys that came after him, and they didn't want me for me, and it wasn't even that they wanted that other 'one thing' either. I mean, they did, but then..." she trails off. Is this why she was so adamant about the fact that she won't sleep with me? "Logically, I know that you're not like that, and it's always fascinating when you remind me of that." She falls silent for a moment. "I'm not fighting you on purpose, Edward. It's just my automatic response, but I'm trying to fix that."

I'm not going to interrupt her, even though I want to.

"There isn't anyone else. It's just you. Only you." It's as if she feels like she needs to assure me. "I know you're frustrated, and I know this is the last thing you need, but I'm asking you to bear with me. They'll be a day when I'm ready. I don't know when, but there will be."

Admittedly, that's more than I was expecting to get out of her. "Do you know what you're saying, Bella?" I ask. "Do you know what you're asking?"

"I don't, no," she says truthfully.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes tight. "I want to be with you, and you want to be with me... It's just that you don't trust me?"

"I do," she says quickly. "I mean, of course I do. I want to. I just - " she stops. "There are a lot of things that come with being me, Edward. I realise that that doesn't really explain much to you, but I know. It's nothing that I want for you. Not if we're not sure."

"But I am sure."

Her breath hitches.

"And, clearly, you're not, Bella," I add. "You're not ready for me, or for this kind of relationship. It's difficult, I can only imagine, but I'm willing. I am so willing." How do I tell her that I'd probably turn my entire life inside out for her, if she were even to ask. "So it's time that you want then?"

"It is."

"But we're definitely on the same page about this?"

"Definitely."

I take a deep breath. I am frustrated, but I also understand, which is why I'm irritated and annoyed but also not at the same time. "Do you know what this means?"

"What does this mean?"

"I'm yours," I say, as if I haven't been from the moment I met her. As if she doesn't already know.

"And, believe me, Edward, I'm yours as well." She sounds so serious that I forget who we are for a moment. "I just..."

"...need time."

We're silent for a moment. I can hear her breathing.

"Edward," she finally says.

"Bella?"

"You can ask me things, if you want," she tells me. "Things that you want to know; not only the yes or no questions. You can ask me things."

"Okay."

"Okay."

I let out a small puff of air. "Say, Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me something."

"Anything."

"Do you know the muffin man?"

She lets out a bark of laughter that surprises us both and I feel the tension in my muscles dissipate. "You truly are very special, Edward Masen."

"And don't you know it."

"I do," she says. "Believe me, I do."

The stadium is packed for the final game of the football festival. It's just a sea of colour and, truly, it's giving me a bit of a headache. I move through the aisles, counting the rows to the bleachers that Bella texted that she, Alice and Angela were occupying. Apparently there was space for Jasper and me.

When I finally come across them, it's clear to see that they arrived really early, if they're sitting so close to the field. The three girls are all decked out in the school colours; their faces even painted like they're some kind of warriors. Bella looks the most at ease as I've ever seen her, and it takes my breath away.

Bella eventually spots me standing in the aisle and ushers me towards her with a wave of her hand.

I stumble forward, awkwardly shuffling past a few people to get to my brown-eyed girl. "Hello," I say, tugging her into a hug that my brain registers was probably a little too forceful a bit too late.

"Edward, are you drunk?" she asks, her head tilting to the side as she pulls back to look at me.

"A little," I say, hiccuping.

"But... how?"

I grin at her. "You are soooo pretty," I sing-song. "Pretty Bella... Beautiful Bella."

"Oh boy," she mutters.

"We had pre-drinks at the house," I say. Then: "I want to kiss you."

For a moment, she doesn't look amused, but then she laughs. She puts a hand on my shoulder and guides me down to sit next to her. I think she decides that it's safer if I'm seated.

"Where's Jasper?" Alice asks, moments after I'm settled.

"Hello to you too," I say petulantly.

"Yes, hello, Edward," she says impatiently. "Where's Jasper?"

"Parking the car."

"Is he as drunk as you are?" Bella asks me, her brow furrowing in concern.

"I'm not drunk," I say, sitting up straight. "I barely had anything to drink."

"Liar," Bella says.

"Angela!" I exclaim as I look past both Bella and Alice, my smile crooked. "You came! It's so good to see you!"

"Edward," Angela says, looking deathly amused by something. Me, maybe. "It's good to see you too."

I'm about to open my mouth to shout something else, when Alice speaks, shutting me up. "Hush now," she says to me. It's as if she's channelling Rose. "The game's about to start."

I know it's not, though I do try keep quiet. After something that feels like five hundred years - though it's probably only six seconds - my body starts to twitch from being still for so long. I'm not very good at sitting still without the alcohol in my system, so you can only imagine my buzzed brain. My legs starts to bounce, and Bella puts a hand on my knee to stop them. Really, I'm so focused on the fact that her hand is on my leg that I forget why we're even here.

When the music blares around the stadium, I jerk to attention. Bella giggles beside me, and Alice awards me with a significant eye-roll. I'm not drunk. I stand by that, though things are definitely weird and wonderfully blurry. I also feel oddly calm, sitting here right next to Bella. I think I might have freaked out if I was completely sober.

I notice when Jasper arrives, with Jessica - what the actual fuck - in tow.

Bella scoots in closer to me, and she's so fucking warm. I want to wrap myself right around her and just soak it all in. In this moment - this almost-drunk moment - I realise that this is what I want. Bella by my side; it's everything that I want.

Alice flicks my knee to get my attention. "What the fuck is Jessica doing here?" she asks, leaning over Bella slightly.

"How am I supposed to know?" I mutter. "Jazz knows better."

"Does he?" she counters, and I have to admit that I'm a little stumped. "My bet's that she's determined to work her way through the Sig Eps."

I shudder. "She's not getting anywhere near me."

She laughs a haunting laugh. "I think you're one of the only boys who's been so - what's the word - horrified by her interest."

"It's been hard work, I'll give you that," I say. "She's fucking persistent."

Alice worries her bottom lip nervously at the sound of my voice. "How drunk is Jazz, really?" she asks quietly.

"Fucking wasted," I confess, before I return my attention to Bella, surprised to see that her eyes are already on me. "Hello," I say, forgetting that the rest of the world even exists.

She smiles at me, her eyes warm, open and inviting. "Your ears are red."

"Your cheeks are red," I throw back, and she giggles.

"Your favourite colour."

I grin. "Is it weird to say that I missed you?"

"A little," she whispers, her eyes shining with something like mirth. "But I think I understand what you're trying to say. I missed you too."

I take a deep, calming breath to stop myself from leaning in and kissing her right here in front of all of these people. "We've been busy," I say softly, as if it explains the little snips of communication we've had in the last few days.

"Indeed we have."

I watch as she wiggles her left hand into the right pocket of my jacket, and just leaves it there as she turns her attention towards the field. God, this girl is so confusing. Seriously. I don't even know what to make of any of this. How is any of this supposed to make me not want to be with her?

But there's that hope that I'm holding onto. She's trying it out; she's trying not to hide, and I'm giving her this time to figure it out. As long as we're on the same page about where we're headed, I'm willing to wait it out. I need to. I want to.

Alice leans over Bella again. "Oh my God, look at them!"

I desperately don't want to, but Bella does, so I do too. Jasper and Jessica are held in a liplock that makes me cringe. Is he insane? He's fucking insane. I mean, he can't honestly be that drunk, can he? It's Jessica Stanley for fuck's sake.

I'm pretty sure that Emmett, him and I once made a drunken vow never to go there. I mean, she did Newton, which really is the kicker for me. Is he trying to piss Alice off that bad? And why? I mean, Alice already had her revenge by fucking Crowley. Jasper was so torn up about that, though he'd never admit it.

I look back at Bella. "When is the game starting?"

"Hopefully, right now," she answers with a grimace. Really, the scene going on to my left is cringeworthy and I honestly feel uncomfortable. Because of it, I elbow Jasper in the side, hard, and he turns to look at me.

"What?"

"What the fuck are you doing?" I hiss.

"I hate football," he says, his voice slurring. "Need a distraction."

"Then fucking play Sudoku," I say. "I'm five seconds to throwing up."

"Then don't look."

"Or you could get a room. There are children here."

He rolls his eyes, before returning his attention back to Jessica. Thankfully, though, they don't engage in any more public displays of affection.

When I look back at Bella, she looks deathly amused. "This isn't going to end well, is it?"

"I'm trying not to think about it," I tell her. "Rose is going to kill him when she finds out. And, really, I think I'll hand her the wrench when she asks for it."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," she says; "plausible deniability and all that."

I laugh. I can't help it. Something about today feels light. Or maybe it's because of the alcohol in my system. I just feel like today is important somehow.

It's somewhere in the middle of the second quarter that I accept that it's to do with Bella. Her hand slipped out of my pocket the first time that our team made their first touchdown.

Rose and the rest of the cheerleaders go crazy before, during and after every play. I think she's a little more enthusiastic for this festival because of Emmett. They're together, but not 'official,' which kind of makes me think about Bella and me. Not that we're together or anything.

But she's sitting right next to me, and she isn't guarded at all. She looks at me, she touches me, leans into me and ohmygod, it's everything. The game is intense, but so is everything else. It's our first truly public appearance, and I think she's testing it out. I think it's going well, even though I'm vaguely aware of the fact that people look her way rather often - despite the game going on in front of us.

At some point during the third quarter, Bella suddenly goes tense at my side. I turn to her, but she's already taking out her phone and answering a call. I watch as she speaks hurriedly to someone, glances over her shoulder, shakes her head, and then hangs up.

"Is everything okay?" I ask her.

She takes a moment before she nods. "Just Harry and Billy informing me that it's not advisable for me to leave my seat right now," she says.

"Who?"

"Harry and Billy," she explains; "my main Secret Service." Her eyes meet mine. "People like to greet me. Or just tell me that my dad's, uh, great or just awful. I normally don't mind engaging, but there are a few people who are a little too drunk here. Harry's a little uncomfortable."

It's the first time that I notice that the rest of the world actually truly exists. I look around and spot two men sitting a row behind us. I'm certain that they weren't there before. They must be Harry and Billy and, if they're concerned, then they probably have a reason to be.

"Do you want to go?" I ask.

"What? No!"

"Oh."

She smiles. "We're good," she assures me. "I'm not going anywhere."

I notice that she relaxes when the game resumes. We both scream for Emmett whenever he makes a tackle, and I'm convinced my voice is going to be hoarse by the end of the night. I seriously don't even fucking care. I should, because I have a group presentation on Monday morning, but I can't bring myself to do so.

Of course, we win. It's amazing, really. The crowd goes mad. Seriously. They go mental. Well, we do. I'm on my feet along with everyone else, and my arms are raised and I'm screaming, and, bloody hell, Bella is looking at me. She's seeing me.

I turn my entire body to face her, ignoring the great big world. "We won," I say.

"We did," she says back.

"Emmett's going to be awful to be around."

She laughs. "I can only imagine."

Alice puts an arm around Bella's waist and pulls her attention away. I think I need the respite, because I want to kiss her. Right now. I can't, I know, but I desperately want to. I turn towards the field, where the team is still celebrating. I catch sight of Emmett making his way over to Rose and lifting her off the ground. I can't help my smile. Those two are really something.

Bella slips her hand into mine to get my attention and I look at her. "Ready to go?" she asks.

I nod once, before I look at Jasper. Thankfully, Jessica is no longer sitting beside him, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm definitely going to have to talk to him about this before I head home for Thanksgiving. He's making bad decisions, and I know he'd do the same for me.

"Ready to go?" I ask him.

He nods. "Wanna drive?"

"Maybe we should let Emmett drive."

"Do you want to die?"

I laugh out loud. "He just won; he deserves it."

It turns into the worst decision I've made in a while. I'm surprised we even arrive at the house, and I practically fall out of the car when he pulls into the driveway. I kiss the ground dramatically, which makes Rose laugh when she arrives with Bella, Alice and Angela. Of course, we're having the victory party at our house. Where else?

Bella and I don't spend as much time together once the party's in full swing. I don't mind as much as I probably might have before, but I'm reassured by the fact that she keeps glancing my way. She's acknowledged that we're working towards something, and that I'm probably not going to give up.

For the first time in a long time, I don't feel as if we're going to take a step backwards. We're both moving forward, and it's everything.

So, when I meet her in the library the following Tuesday to bid her farewell for Thanksgiving, I'm feeling calm; even borderline happy. It's such a foreign feeling to me, but I'm desperate to hold onto it.

"Have a safe flight, all right," she says, as if it's something I possibly have control over. I mean, for those few hours, I literally put my life in another person's hands; a stranger's hands. I'll drive myself crazy if I spend too much time thinking about it.

"I will," I say anyway, leaning my back against a bookshelf in our little alcove.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Edward."

I smile. "Happy Thanksgiving, Bella Bella."

She flushes. "I'll see you when we get back." I don't think she intends for it to sound like a question, but I definitely hear an inflection in her voice.

"You'll see me when we get back," I tell her, my voice strong and confident. I get the feeling that she doesn't want this moment to end; like she's holding onto it, for whatever reason.

But I really do have to go. I have packing to do, and I have a group tutoring session in a half hour. "Good luck with the pardoning," I say.

She lets out a surprised laugh, and then shakes her head. "All right you, get out of here then."

I pull her into a hug - and hold her for an excess of ten seconds - before I do turn and start on my way back to my counter to gather my things for my shift end.

"Hey, Edward?"

I turn back to look at her, and she's smiling one of those secret smiles that makes my heart jolt.

"I had a dream last night," she says softly, and this is important.

"And?" I prompt. "Was I in it? Was I naked?"

She laughs. It's this light sound that makes the world stop for a moment. "I can tell you that you were definitely in it."

There's more, I can tell, but I know she's not going to give me much. Maybe it's the mischievous glint in her eye, or just what I already know about her. She really is one of a kind, isn't she?

"Also, you weren't naked."

"But you wanted me to be," I say, winking.

She full on blushes, the red tint spreading right across her face so endearingly.

"Answer me this then," I say. "Was it a good dream?"

She takes a moment, looks me up and down, and then she nods. "It was better. It was so much better."