The highs and lows of living
To getting second chances
-I Am Machine by Three Days Grace
Mij has a duffle bag of some sorts that he places on the bed next to me. I want to knock it all off and break any device he has in there, but I know I cannot do that. He is here to help me, I keep reminding myself. I feel my heart begin to race in anticipation. I do not know this man, he could hurt me and I am in no position to defend myself. I am at his mercy. I watch as he rummages through his bag, pulls out a scanner and begins to run it over me, starting at my head.
"I'm doing a neuro scan first," Mij begins to explain and it helps me calm my nerves a little. I let out a breath that I had been unconsciously holding. "I want to see if and what any damage has been done to your brain." A lot, I think sarcastically to myself.
The doctor taps a few buttons on his scanner; his lips are pressed into a thin line. That cannot be a good sign. He slowly moves down the side of my face, pausing at the tube that runs from my temple to my neck. Again, he makes a few taps on the scanner. He continues and then stops at my throat. A sharp beep sounds from the scanner. I look at him with alarm.
"I think I know partly why you are coughing," do I detect anger in Mij's voice? Why is he angry? "You have a wire that is dislodged from its place and has wrapped itself around your vocal cords, also probably why you can't talk right now." He stays at my throat for a few more minutes and then puts the scanner down. He reaches with both hands towards my throat and I automatically block him again. He puts his hands down.
"I'm sorry my boy, I should have told you what I am about to do." He slightly tilts his head and gives me a thoughtful and empathetic look. I do not want his sympathy or anyone's' for that matter. However, I do kind of like the kindness in his eyes. I have become a little obsessed with looking at eyes. It had been the only thing I could see and read when I was held captive. You can tell a lot about someone in the way their eyes shift, dilate, squint and close. I could even start to read someone by the color their eyes-sometimes when they were feeling excited or had malicious intentions, the color would change.
"Echo I am so very sorry this happened to you. You, your bothers, all deserve so much better." I stare at him for a long moment and then slowly place my metal hand on his chest. Thank you, I mouth. I lift my chin up so that he can go on with his examination. Mij palpates my throat and I cannot help but jerk back when he presses on the loose wire. It stings! "Okay lad, let me continue with the rest of the examination and we'll determine where to go from here."
He takes the scanner down my chest, making sure my internal organs are not bleeding or causing any life threatening issues. Like when he palpated my throat, he does the same to my ribs and stomach. My ribs definitely hurt as pressure is applied to them. My stomach is only hurting because I am hungry. When Mij presses down lightly on it, a loud grumble erupts. The doctor slightly smiles. "I bet you're starving. You'll get some good food in you very soon." Food, wonderful food…oh how I long even for the stupid protein bars we got on missions, anything other than that sickening gruel.
"You definitely have a rib or two that is dislodged and is probably cracked or broken." He goes a little slower with the scanner over my rib cage again. "Kest," he curses and shakes his head in fury and disbelief. "Every other rib is titanium. I think a couple of them are bent which is probably contributing to your pain and real broken ribs." Real broken ribs…I repeat in my head. "The good news is that your organs are undamaged and you do not have any internal bleeding." Well, at least my captors left me with some of my original body parts.
Mij takes a long time going over my cybernetic arms and legs. I watch as the different emotions play out on his face. Sometimes he would furrow is eyebrows in anger, frustration or confusion. Other times his eyes go wide with surprise. I watch as he chews on the side of his cheek or bites his lip. He lets a curse slip out from time to time. He asks me to move my fingers so that he can examine the fluidity of each digit. The mechanics all looked so intricate and complicated with the wiring, tubing, the little blinking lights etc. everywhere on me. He has me bend and flex my wrists and then elbows. Mij moves down to my legs and he again asks me to bend my knees and then wiggle my toes. Now he wants to see where the implants met with my real tissue. He pulls the sheet up to my waist and a long sigh resides from him. I peer down and am taken aback.
I have never been given the opportunity to see how my legs are attached to my upper body. I was either pinned down on the table or hung up in the stasis tube like a coat in a closet. My captors always had me covered for some reason or two. I know my arms are connected right up to my shoulder blades, but seeing my legs, well I am even more repulsed with myself.
Mij sits back in his chair does not say a word for some time. I pull the sheet up over my lower half again, becoming very self-conscience about it. I wait for him to say something, anything.
"I will need to do a more in depth scan on you, Echo, to see exactly where things are connected in your body, the damage to your ribs and what exactly the di'kuts actually did to you. What I can see for right now is that most of your lower body has been replaced with a complete cybernetic workup. You still have a pelvis and your hip bones which are reinforced with the alloy so that the bone will not detach or crack from the pressure and pull of your legs. It looks like, but again I need to do a deeper scan to see everything, that your spine has also been replaced and reinforced so that the rest of you will not crumble from the weight of your work up. They have connected all sensory and nerve control from your spine to your brain, explaining some of the wiring and plating on the back of your head." I go to touch the wires and feel the armor plate on the back of my head, but stop. I do not want to know. "They also left you, thank goodness with your," Mij waved his hand down at his private area.
I blow out a breath of relief at that news. I am so overwhelmed by everything else that when I think about going to the refresher I instantly find a dilemma with the situation. I do not think I used the refresher since my alterations. In fact, I had been drugged for so long, I am not sure how they relieved me. Red rushes to my face. At the thought of having to use the refresher, the need suddenly rises. Panic fills my eyes and I look to the doctor for help. Oh god, how infantile this is.
"Echo, what is it?" the doctor asks me alarmed. I point down to my privates. "Oh!" He helps me sit up and I brace myself against him. He takes his other arm and puts it on my leg furthest away from him and together I can scoot to the side of the bed. Another problem presents itself. I have not, at least to my awareness, walked on these legs before and am unsure of my stability. With Mij's help, I slowly begin to stand. I am wobbly and my motorized legs noisily protest under my unsteadiness. Mij has a secure arm around my arm and waist; careful of any wires or tubes that may be there. I am sure if I fall I will take him down with me. With all this metal on me, I must weigh a ton.
"Watch my legs and feet Echo and take a step when I take one," Mij instructs. I hate this, oh how I hate this, but I do not resist and we start moving our legs at the same time. Hum, thump, hum thump…I abhor the sound my legs and feet make as I move; more than hating having someone help me walk. He guides me into the bathroom and waits for a moment to make sure that I do not fall. I place my hand on the wall to steady myself and turn to look at him. "If you need more help, just knock on something." My respect for this man increases even more so. I give him a thumb up and wait to do anything until the door shuts.
The bathroom is quite large and easy to move around in. I am not use to such accommodations. It has a large bathtub and shower and I realize I have not felt the steady stream of water cold or hot run down my body in a very long time. I must reek. Can I even take one now that I have all this hard wiring on and in me? Will I fry myself to death if I do?
I keep my hand on the wall for balance as I reach down to lift the toilet seat. I am wearing just a long tunic and lift the bottom hem of it up so that I can fully see what I am doing. Oh lord! I know I hurt Rex when I grabbed his arm; I do not quite have the control of how much strength I need to use with my hands. This may hurt…
I take ahold of myself and thankfully I do not grab too hard. I will be the laughing stock if anyone knows what I am thinking. I close my eyes as the liquid starts to pour out. I know it is silly, but this simple task brings me a tiny spark of autonomy and relief back into myself. At least this one part of humanity was left for me.
I finish and flush and then slide my hands on the wall over to the sink where I lean my body up against the cabinet for balance. I hesitate to wash my hands; a fear of electrocution haunts me. As disgusting as it is, I do not wash them. I look up right into a mirror and am horrified at what is staring back at me.
A ghost of a man is in the mirror. My face is gaunt, my cheek bones and jaw line are prominently sticking out. I have dark circles that completely coat both my blood shot eyes. It is as if someone had punched me continuously. My dark black hair is no longer there, I am completely bald for the first time in my life. It is not a good look and only enhances my emaciation. I raise my hand up and lightly trace my fingers over the two tubes that run from my head to my neck. They are a steel gray and at the base of each one are flashing little indicators for something or other. I turn slightly to the side to get a better look. I can see the beginnings of the plate and the wires that run from the back of my head to the top of my spine. There is permanent bruising where each hole has been drilled and tube inserted. There are medium size round areas on my neck where I can see all the cybernetic lights blinking rapidly. They stand out ghastly against my pale skin.
I feel my throat and there is a lump there, probably from the loose wire. I wince again as a shooting pain travels down my throat. More tubes and wires connect from my neck to my arms. I hold my arms up, getting a true look at them. I am sickened. I was not given anything to cover them up, no armor plating or synthetic skin. I put my hands down and move my gaze to my legs. I pull up the tunic again to get a good look at myself. I see my maleness and it contrasts so appallingly against the prosthetics. How can I call myself a man now?
I feel something well up inside of me. At first I think it's just all the rage that I have pent up. I was wrong. I lurch over to the side and make it just in time to the toilet as bile finds its way out. Over and over I throw up any little thing I may have in my stomach until I am dry heaving. The pain in my ribs is excruciating and I do not try and catch myself as I fall to the ground. A loud thump accompanies the fall as my body meets the tile floor.
"Echo?" Concerned, Mij asks for me. I want to shout at him to go away, but of course I cannot. "Echo, are you alright?" The doctor opens the door, only to have the door be jammed by my hideous foot. I answer him by pushing the door back closed, but he catches it. He is at my side in a moment. "Are you alright? Did you fall? Do you feel anything more injured?" Anything more injured?! I am injured all over! I shake my head in response and begin to lift myself up. Mij offers a supportive embrace, but I put a halting hand on his chest and again shake my head negatively. I need to do this on my own. Reluctantly I am sure, Mij takes a step back and is there if I need him.
I roll to one side, the less painful side and start to push up on my arms. I tune out the sounds my body parts make and slowly get to my knees. I am exhausted and feeble, I need food and water. However, I will not ask for help. I need to be able to do this on my own. I take a minute before I make it the rest of the way up. As I begin to fall to one side, I use my hand to steady myself against the wall. My body feels heavy and clumsy, but I finally stand all the way up. I look at Mij who gives me a nod of approval. He comes to my side and this time I do not refuse the help as he takes me back over to the bed.
Mij must have grabbed a comm pad while I was in the bathroom because he hands one over to me. "Until I can get your voice working again, this will be an easier way for you to communicate what you need or want." I instantly start typing on it. I fumble for a minute; my robot finger is bigger than the key pad. I manage to get something written down.
"Hungry. Thirsty. Dirty," Mij reads aloud. He looks back at me. "Well my boy, I can remedy two of those issues. As for a shower, we'll make sure it's safe for you first." I nod my head in agreement and watch as the doctor heads out of my room.
I sit back against the head board contemplating my new situation. So far, no harm has come to me. Mij seems genuine that he wants to help me. Rex mentioned that there are others who made if off Coruscant after Order 66. Who are these others? Is Fives one of them? If so, why has he not come and see me yet? Why was Order 66 issued? Will I really be accepted here? Well, I guess if I cannot accept myself, why should I expect others to do the same? I need to talk to Rex. I need answers.