Chapter Seventeen - Memorial
Walking back to the dorm in silence, I couldn't help but worry about my Roza. For the first time since Spokane I had seen her truly vulnerable - no barriers, no sarcasm, no wall. Just completely free to allow herself to be open, not caring who saw her broken side. She had cried in front of me - in front of Zmey... In front of her father.
She opened up the door of our dorm wordlessly, letting it flop behind her as she steadily made her way into the bedroom with her arms wrapped around herself. I took in a steady breath as I shut the door behind me, locking it as I always did at night time, before heading in after her.
Rose was already gripping at the hem of her hoodie as she scrambled to get it off, her movements harsh and angry. Though her back was to me, I knew she was trying her hardest to hold everything together after the eventful night. I allowed her to change by herself as she deemed fit since I recognised it would be a way to help her get some frustration out, while I moved to the other side of the room to change out of my uniform and into a pair of sleep trousers.
Once I finished meticulously folding my uniform on the desk, I finally turned to Rose. She was stood by the open window, back to me, with her arms still wrapped around herself. She was wearing an oversized, deep brownish-red checkered shirt which I vaguely recognised as my own. She'd rolled the sleeves up to her elbows, and the bottom of it sat centre of her thigh.
With a hesitant sigh I made my way over to her, cautiously placing my hands on either of her upper arms and rubbing them soothingly. "How are you doing, Malýshka?" I murmured into her ear as I gazed curiously down at her, her own eyes focused on a random spot outside the window. The lace curtains were pulled shut, so nobody could see in but we could vaguely see out through the gaps in the fabric.
"I'm okay." She nodded, swallowing hard. I could hear the slight waver in her voice despite her efforts to try and hide it.
"Why don't we go to bed, and we can talk about it. Yeah?" I suggested helpfully, and I saw her turn her head slightly so that she could look up at me. Her face was neutral, though there was a slight, sad downturn to her eyes as she nodded.
Soon we found ourselves in a natural embrace in the centre of our bed, the duvet wrapped comfortingly around us both, protecting us in our own little cocoon. She lay on her side while I was on my back, her body completely arching into mine as much as possible - almost as if she was clinging to me for dear life. Her hand rest on my chest while her head was atop my heart, my own arms securely wrapped around her as if letting go would mean losing her.
We lay in silence for an immeasurable amount of time as I pressed loving kisses to the top of her head, whispering Russian words of adoration and affection. At one point I thought she might have fallen asleep, but was quickly proven wrong as she shifted to press a soft kiss to the base of my neck.
"Tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours," I whispered only for her as I stroked my fingers soothingly through her hair. I reveled silently in the length, find it to go on seemingly forever before it curled at the ends in delicate circles. I always did love her hair.
"Everything just seems so surreal." She admitted with a sleepy voice, burying her nose into the crook of my neck. "Never in a million years did I think I would find my father - nevermind him find me."
"I know how much of a shock that must of been for you." I nodded as I looked up at the ceiling, mentally picturing her facial expressions as she spoke. I'd memorised every inch of her face, and I knew it better than I knew my own name. Her brows probably would be turned downwards, lips slightly pouted.
"Shocked is an understatement, Comrade," she admitted with a laugh as she idly traced circles on the centre of my chest with her index finger. She always did that, I noticed. I don't think she ever realised what she was doing, but a long time ago I'd silently admitted how much I enjoy the subtle touch. Even when she didn't mean to, her body craved to touch mine, just as mine did for hers.
"I want to know him - to trust him." She confided with a heavy heart, and I tightened my grip around her to protect her from falling apart. "He told me who he is, what he does. He's a shady man with enemies and blood on his hands."
"He's infamous throughout Russia for his business, Roza." I explained somewhat hesitantly, not wanting her to hate me for the words I was about to say. "Everyone knows of Zmey - the Snake. He's a mobster, a conman, with many connections to different businesses. Although I don't completely agree with his work, there's no doubt he would be able to keep you safe with the resources he suggested."
I could just imagine my Roza pursing her lips in thought as she mulled over my words. Her body didn't tense beneath my hands at my words, which I was thankful for. At least she didn't completely disagree with my words.
"You think I should get to know him?" She asked, perching herself up to rest her arms across my chest and look down at me. I tore my gaze from the ceiling to fixate on her intrigued eyes.
"I think you should do whatever your heart tells you, Roza." I said honestly, rubbing my hand up and down her lower back. "He is your father, after all. What type of man would I be to step between a daughter rekindling her relationship with her father? If it's what you want, then I say go for it."
She pressed her lips into a tight line as she looked to the side of my face, clearing thinking. Eventually she nodded, a small smile on her lips. "Thanks, Dimitri. For everything."
"Any time, Malýshka." I pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you."
"I love you too." She whispered back affectionately, before lowering herself back to her original position with her head above my heart. I sighed in contentment as I closed my eyes, letting myself drift into dreamland besides the woman I loved.
Come Thursday morning, I could sense there was still something off with Rose. Monday and Tuesday she had at least attempted to appear her usual self, though her heart wasn't in it. Her fighting was off, her jokes weren't the same, and there was a permanent sadness in her eyes. All Wednesday she had barely said two words to anybody, including me. Viktoria had come to me during dinner while Rose was in line, and she had told me as much.
I rolled over in the bed I'd become so familiar with over the past month, turning off the alarm that sounded two hours later than usual. It was March 4th - precisely five weeks since we'd left the confines of St Vladimir's - and it was the first week day Rose and I hadn't gone to our morning training session. Honestly, I was surprised that she hadn't tried to skip them sooner, but when she quietly asked me if we could sleep in for once I was all too happy to oblige.
"Roza," I murmured, moving to kiss the tanned skin at her shoulder as my fingers fiddled with the spaghetti straps of her sleep shirt. "It's time to wake up - Viktoria and the others will be expecting you in a little under half an hour."
My sleeping beauty stirred beneath me and, with a quiet whine of complaint, rolled over to face me. I frowned at the puffiness surrounding her eyes, a tell tale sign that she'd been crying. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and pulled her protectively against my own body. "What's wrong?" I kindly demanded, searching her face. "Did you have another Spokane nightmare?"
She seemed to hesitate in her answer, before finally nodding. I pressed a kiss to her forehead as I closed my eyes, tucking her head securely underneath my chin. "It was just a nightmare, okay? You never have to go through that again, not while I'm by your side."
I felt her nod beneath me, her hands curling up in the fabric that covered my chest. "I think I'm just gonna stay here today." She said with a strangled voice, pulling back far enough so she could see my face. "I'm not exactly feeling up to lessons today, and I can't be dealing with the questions."
"If you're sure, Malýshka." I nodded as I cupped her chin gently. "I can get another Guardian to cover my classes today if you'd like me to stay with you."
"No, no." She shook her head, tapping my chest lightly. "I'll be fine on my own - besides, those Novices need you. You're the best teacher money can buy."
I laughed softly at that, pressing a soft kiss to her nose. "I'll at least station a Guardian outside the door." I could see her mouth open to protest, but I swiftly stopped her short by pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. "Humour me? Please? I'd feel much more comfortable knowing there was someone here protecting you, even if that somebody isn't me."
She looked at me with her mouth slightly parted in a defeated expression. "Fine. But you're going to be late - your first class is in forty minutes, remember?"
"And that, is why I love you." I joked as I kissed her longingly, before climbing out of the bed and heading for my usual morning shower.
The day seemed to drag on without my usual bout of Rose Hathaway to entertain me third period, and I found myself just wishing for the day to end sooner so I could get back to her. I'd asked Guardian Stele - Alexei's deputy - to stay on guard outside of the dorm while I was teaching. A part of me knew that it was overkill since, after all, we were in a heavily warded compound with at least four dozen Guardians on sight - but after the attack on St Vladimir's, there was no chance in hell I would risk leaving her unprotected.
It was 4:30pm and I'd just finished showering after my final class of the day, having changed into some casual clothes - I had no more lessons to teach, so gym ware wasn't needed, and I wasn't strictly on duty so I didn't need to wear my Guardian uniform. Casual clothes it was.
Usually this would be the time where I'd head to the gym and start setting up training equipment for Roza and I's afternoon session, but after the state she was in this morning I didn't want to assume she'd be up for it. More than likely, she wouldn't be, so I opted to head straight to the dormitory.
I was half way across campus when my Guardian-issued phone began to ran, and I took it out of my pocket without a second's hesitation. The number displayed was the number for St Vlad's, so immediately I answered. "Belikov."
"Belikov, thank Vlad." Alberta breathed a sigh of relief instantly upon hearing my voice, and I narrowed my eyes curiously as she continued. "I've got a worried Vasilisa and Eddie Castille here in my office. Apparently they've both been trying to contact Novice Hathaway all day, but neither are receiving an answer. Is she with you?"
I'd found an abandoned classroom to duck into as she'd been speaking, not particularly wanting anybody to overhear the conversation just incase any confidential information was shared - like the Strigoi who had attacked Rose. Leaning against the vacant desk I furrowed my brows, simultaneously confused and worried at her words. "She's in her dorm - I've just finished teaching. There's been a Guardian stationed outside her room all day if you're concerned for her safety, but I can get to her in thirty seconds flat if it's urgent?"
"No, don't make a scene." Alberta said almost as if she was deliberating on what to do. I rose to my feet and lingered by the door, just in case she changed her mind and needed me to go after Rose. I knew in my guts that she was safe - that she was okay. I'd feel it if something was wrong. But a part of me was still worried that she wasn't answering her two best friends.
"I think I know what's going on." She said through the phone, immediately piquing my interest. "Belikov, how was she acting this morning?"
"She was upset," I told her plainly, knowing that Alberta was asking both as the Head of St Vlad's Guardians but also as the surrogate mother she had been to Rose throughout her childhood. "She'd had a Spokane nightmare and had been crying, so decided it was best to take the day off as a sort of mental health day."
"I don't think it was just a nightmare, Belikov." She murmured under her breath, and at that moment I wished she was in front of me so I could see her reaction.
"Alberta, what do you mean?"
"It's March 4th over there, right?"
"Yes? Why does that matter?" I shook my head incredulously, the date a seemingly insignificant matter over the fact that clearly something was wrong with Rose.
"Today would have been Mason Ashford's birthday." She said quietly, and I immediately felt my face drop as I realised what she was getting at.
She hadn't been crying over a nightmare - she'd been crying over the fact Mason wasn't here for his eighteenth. I cursed lowly in Russian as I started out the door, walking directly across towards the guest dorms where our room was. "I'm heading over to her now. I'll call you back once I've talked with her." And without leaving further room for discussion, I hung up, deftly making my way over to where my Roza awaited.
"Roza, it's me." I announced loudly as I entered the dorm, after relieving Guardian Stele from his position and making sure he was out of earshot. I dropped my duffel bag to the couch immediately, shutting the door behind me as I headed directly for our room.
Everything in the dorm was exactly how it had been when I left earlier in the morning - the curtains weren't pulled back, all the lights were switched off, and all the doors shut. I quietly opened up the door to the bedroom, eyes immediately glancing to the bed. It was a mess, though the sheet wasn't there and neither was Rose. I stepped further into the room and glanced my eyes around, finally settling on a hunched figure by the window.
She had moved the plush leather arm chair to the window and was sat in it with the bedsheet wrapped around her, her own limbs wrapped around herself in the fetal position. I swear she'd never looked as small and as frail as she did in that moment.
The window was partially open and there was a nice breeze blowing through into the room, though the lace curtains were still drawn as they had been that morning. The lights were turned off like the rest of the house, leaving the room in complete darkness save for the small amounts of sunlight shining onto Rose through the gap in the curtain.
"He would have been eighteen." I heard her say with a hoarse voice, meaning she must have heard me calling for her or at least sensed my presence. I slowly stepped towards her, though the back of the chair - and subsequently, the back of her - was facing me. "Finally an adult. We always joked of all the mischief we'd get up to once we were officially 'adults' - though most of it would never happen, not since we'd be too occupied with being Guardians."
I rounded the chair and cautiously looked down at her, seeing the redness of her eyes and the stains down her cheek. She was currently crying, though I could tell she had been for hours. She looked up at me as soon as she saw me, a neutral expression on her face. I slowly lowered myself down so I was sat on the floor in front of her, taking both of her hands in mine and letting them rest in her lap.
"Tell me about them. Tell me about Mason." I smiled, squeezing her hands reassuringly. "I never got to know him on a deeply personal level - not like you. I'd like to know more of what he was like."
She smiled, then, a vague sheen of tears over her eyes as she rubbed the back of my hands. "He was funny. Like, really funny," she laughed, almost as if remembering a joke he had once cracked. "He'd always be cracking one liners at the expense of my downfall, or somebody else's. I remember one time, Stan Alto was being particularly douchey, and he suggested gluing every single item on his desk, to his desk." I laughed with her this time, and I saw a single tear spill down her cheek as she recalled the memory. "You should have seen his face. He, was, pissed!"
"I bet he was," I grinned up at her, cradling her hands encouragingly as I listened to her speak.
For the next two hours, Rose retold tales of her and Mason's time together at the Academy. How they met, all the pranks they'd pulled together. She even told me all about how Mason felt about her - how he'd longed to be more than just her friend. If she had told me about his feelings a couple months ago, I would have been fueled with jealousy. But now, with her securely in my arms, all I felt was nostalgia.
Eventually we found ourselves both tangled in the leather chair together, her in my lap with her arms wrapped around me and mine around her. Her head rested against my tear-ridden chest as she allowed herself to freely cry out every ounce of sadness and grief she'd felt since his death.
"He was my best friend," she sobbed violently, the tears wracking her body as she clutched onto my shirt for dear life, burying her face into my chest. "He loved me so much, and I just didn't feel the same. His love for me is what got him killed and i-it's all my f-fault." She stammered out, and I hushed her soothingly as I cradled the back of her head in a comforting gesture.
"Roza," I stretched out soothingly as she cried, "my brave, strong, selfless Roza. You cannot blame yourself for what happened in Spokane. It was a tragic, tragic event that befelled one of the bravest Guardians I've ever met. Mason would have found himself there even if you hadn't told him the location of the Strigoi - you remember how determined he was."
"But I did tell him!" She choked out desperately. "I was the one who told him and I was the one who lead him to his death."
"Rose. Roza - look at me!" I grabbed her chin and pulled her forcefully to look up at me, though not enough to hurt her. I looked her dead in the eyes, swallowing down my own tears that threatened to spill as I looked at how broken she was. She was still crying, and snot decorated the bottom of her nose. Yet I didn't care. I scrunched up the bed sheet that was wrapped around us and used it to clean up her face to the best of my capabilities. "There," I whispered, using my thumb to wipe her now-dry cheek.
She opened her mouth to say something and I silenced her by placing my index finger over her lips. "You cannot live your life in guilt for Mason's death, okay? What happened was not your fault, and the moment you accept that will be the moment you can finally let yourself heal. Sometimes things happen in our lives that we simply cannot control - and this is one of them. Don't let the past rule your future."
I watched her carefully as she looked at me, my hands cupped around her cheeks. One moment she seemed fine as she nodded - the next, the watergates were open all over again. Instantly I tucked her beneath my chin and wrapped her securely in my embrace as she sobbed against my neck, finally forgiving herself for Mason's death.