A/N: don't hate me! Lmao it's all just part of the story. But thank you to everyone who has expressed interest and has shown kind words to my story! I love you all!

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns twilight!

BPOV

The tears pooling in my eyes made it nearly impossible to drive home. My body was shaking with anger. Not towards Edward. No. Because I would be lying if I said I was mad that he kissed me. I've been dreaming of that moment for weeks. It was much better than I could have ever hoped. When our lips touched, every ounce of pain I'd ever felt in my life was completely washed away from my body. There was nothing in that moment besides him. It was piercing. I could feel myself slipping away into his touch so easily. It was the most magical, amazing, beautiful, special, spectacular, wonderful moment of my life. I have never felt so comfortable in my life, like my lips belonged pressed against his.

Why did he kiss me, though? Was it out of pity, because he senses something is wrong? Most likely. Was he just caught up in the intense moment? Maybe. Or did he really have the same feelings for me that I had for him? Well, he wouldn't anymore, if that was the case. Because I could no longer speak to him.

I was mad at myself. And I was mad at Phil.

Any other normal teenage girl could have just kissed Edward back, and then called all her girlfriends and told them the news. But, no, not me. I have no other choice but to push Edward out of my life, no matter how much fucking pain it's going to cause. When he kissed me, I realized that he was no longer safe. If I were to keep falling for him, I would become even more addicted to him, and Phil was bound to find out. I had to stay away from him for now on. To protect him.

It was my fault and Phil's fault for the way my life was. It was Phil's fault for ruining me in the first place. I could never live a normal life. I could never find love. I was stuck here forever, and Edward didn't deserve to deal with it, too. It was my fault, too, because I allowed Phil to keep doing this. Even though it was most likely impossible, I could try to get out of this life, somehow. I didn't know how though, and that's why I was so fucking mad at myself.

It was almost 3:30 AM when I made it back home. I made sure I collected my belongings and left Edward's right after he had kissed me. I couldn't bear to stay there. I needed to exit Edward's life immediately.

When I finally made it home, I ran inside and collapsed onto my bed, screaming profanities into my pillow. I cried for hours. Every bit of pain I've ever felt in my life came out. I cried for the loss of my Mom, for the fact that my biological father didn't want me, for the loss of my new friendships with Edward's friends and family, for the abuse I endure from Phil, and for the fact that I could never be with Edward. I sobbed as if a time bomb that was ticking within me finally exploded. My body shook in anger, despair, and sheer pain until my exhausted eyes finally shut when the sun barely kissed the horizon before it was hidden behind dark clouds.

Kind of like what happened to me.

Two weeks.

I have officially been out of Edward's life for two weeks.

When I finally woke up after I got home the night I left his house, I had three text messages from Edward. I'll never forget what those text messages said. I had to erase them, just in case Phil ever took my phone, but I made sure to memorize them before they were gone forever.

Bella, I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad at me, even though you have every right to be. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I was completely out of line and I should not have invaded your space like that. Sent 6:20 AM.

I understand if you feel violated, so can we just go back to being normal friends? I hate the thought of losing you completely. Sent 8:42 AM.

I'm sorry for being such a bother. If you don't want to talk to me, I understand and I'll leave you be. You can text or call me whenever you'd like. I'll be here. Sent 10:03 AM.

I never answered his texts, and he didn't contact me again for a week. It hurt more than anything that Phil could ever do to me. The only thing that hurt worse than this was losing my Mom. Losing someone you care so much about and who lightens your life is the worst pain I could ever think of. I seriously can't imagine anything else hurting as badly. And I had to go through it twice.

One week into my declaration of defriending Edward, he came up to me at the end of history class one day. The look on his beautiful face broke my heart. There were bags under his eyes, indicating that he hasn't been sleeping much. His eyes screamed agony, and his lips stayed put into a frown of despair. I wanted him to smile. I wanted his eyes to twinkle.

"Bella," he breathed upon approaching me. I was shocked that he was speaking to me, but I reminded myself to stick to the plan. I would just act coldly to him, so he would get the point and leave me alone. I couldn't get caught up in him again. I would only hurt him.

I stayed silent, so he continued. "Can we talk real quick?"

I shook my head and walked out of the room, only to have him stride right along-side of me to the parking lot.

I found my voice. "Edward, you have to leave me alone. Please."

"Why?" He demanded. "Look, I know I was out of line for invading your space like that. I shouldn't have kissed you. But why does that mean we can't even fucking talk to each other? Can't we still be friends?"

I huffed and walked faster, wishing teleportation was a thing, so I could just snap my fingers and be in my room, away from the possibility of falling deeper into him.

"We can't, I'm sorry."

"How the hell is that fair? You can't even give me an explanation! This is ridiculous," he threw his hands in the air in exasperation and then pinched his nose as we approached my truck.

"It just wouldn't be smart, Edward," was all I could mutter, my heart breaking in my chest.

"That's not an explanation either, Bella. How isn't it smart?"

I needed him to stop. I needed him to understand. So, I turned on bitch-mode. "I don't need to explain everything. I'm not good for you. We're from too different worlds and it would be explosive if they clashed. Just drop it at that."

"'Just drop it at that'?" He repeated sourly. "That's all bullshit. I want to be here for you… why can't you just accept that?"

"I don't need you to be here for me, why can't you just accept that? I don't need you, Edward. So stop." I hopped into my truck and drove away before he had the chance to respond, leaving him standing in the parking lot with anger and sadness written all over his face. I cried the whole way home.

It took all my will power to stop myself from talking to him in lunch or history. He looked so unbelievably sad and it broke my heart. I stole glances every chance I got for the past two weeks, and each time I looked, he seemed just as miserable as the last. Was it because of me? I'm not sure.

I missed him like all hell, though. I missed his intoxicating smell, and his dazzling crooked smile, and his bright green eyes, and his velvety voice, and his disheveled hair, and his toned arms around me, and his musical laugh, and his desire to understand me, and his hospitality, and his protectiveness, and his humor, and his compliments, and his fucking lips. Jesus Christ.

I know he affected me irrevocably, though. I felt completely empty after erasing him from my life. Edward was literally the only thing that brought me happiness ever since my Mom died. Sometimes it even hurt to fucking breathe. There was a hole in my chest that I knew would never be filled if I couldn't talk to him again. I hated that it was impossible for me to care about someone with the life I live. I barely slept at night, and sometimes the thought of food made me sick to my stomach. Losing Edward affected me much, much more than I had anticipated.

Phil was completely pissed at me for being in my moods. The abuse has been much more often, almost every single day. He thinks I'm showing him disrespect by moping around the house, even though "I shouldn't be miserable when I have so much shit handed to me," as Phil had said. I almost spit in his fucking face when he said that.

The bruises on my body hurt, but the bruises on my heart hurt so much worse. I would endure years and years of constant torture from Phil if it meant that my heart wasn't broken the way it was now.

"Bella, get your fucking ass up and make me breakfast!" Phil's angry voice brought me back to reality. I grumbled to myself and got out of bed, shuffling my feet into a pair of ratty slippers that were almost as old as me.

It was Sunday morning. Phil always liked a giant breakfast on Sundays. I made sure to prepare him a meal of eggs, toast, waffles and bacon, not wanting to make him angry.

After breakfast, he informed me that he was going to his friend's for the day and would not be home until late tonight.

It was chilly today, but I didn't mind. I put on the warmest clothes I found in my tiny closet and headed into the tree line behind my house. Mom and I always played in the forest. I thought I would write to her from there today.

I grabbed my journal and pen and all but ran outside, eager to feel a sense of freedom. I walked for about five minutes until I found a comfy looking tree to sit against.

I told my Mom everything. I told her about Edward and how happy he made me, and how my only choice was to stay away from him. I told her about my feelings for him, how he was the only boy I'd ever felt that way about. I told her about the way his emerald eyes sparkled when he was happy. I told her about his teasing crooked grin that could easily light up my dark world. I told her about his strong arms and how safe and warm I felt when lying in them. I told her about the electric current that seemed to bring my body to life when he was in my presence. I told her about the connection we had and how nearly impossible it was to walk away from it.

I didn't realize how long I was out there until a few stray raindrops broke me out of my writing daze. I flipped through the pages and saw that today's entry was six pages long. That was the longest one I'd ever had. Just goes to show how much I had to say about Edward.

I quickly made my way back home and showered before doing some homework. I couldn't help but realize that this was the only way I could be with Edward: through memories.

My mind was swimming in a deep pool of fear as I sat down at lunch the next day.

This morning, my truck wouldn't start, so I had to walk to school. It was about a 3 mile walk, but I made it in time for third period. I was debating on saying "fuck it" and not showing up at all, but the principal's office had this stupid automated machine that sent a call to every parent at the end of the day who's child had an unexcused absence. No way in hell I was dealing with that.

I was terrified because Phil never reacts well when my truck breaks down. The fucking thing is older than he is, but he assumes that it's always my fault when it stops working. The truck has done this to me about three other times, and I have three scars to represent each time.

I wish I was smart enough to know about cars, then I could possibly just fix it on my own and not have to deal with Phil. However, I barely know how to pop the hood, so 'Bella the Mechanic' is not an option.

I almost slapped myself in the face as I began twirling my apple in front of me, watching the stem begin to lose its connection to the rest of the piece of fruit. Rosalie and Emmett know everything about cars. I bet I could just have them take a look at it.

Was this smart, though? This kind of gives Edward a reason to talk to me. I don't want to go down that road again. However, the last thing I want is for Phil to find out about the truck. It's scarier telling him when the truck breaks down than it was to tell him I was going to Edward's because the truck issue usually ends up with him spending money.

I blew out a puff of air in sheer frustration and decided I'll deal with that shit later. I was not up for it right now.

Once the last bell of the day rang out throughout the tiny building, indicating freedom was finally here, I all but ran to my locker and packed all my necessities into my backpack. I was in a rush to get home. It was only drizzling now, but it was going to pour soon. I was definitely trying to make it home before all hell broke loose in the sky above my fucking head.

I began walking down the slippery roads of Forks, listening to my rain boots squeak against the pavement. I watched the streams of rain trickle down the street, creating a bunch of tiny rivers, as I realized that this would be a good amount of my life. The rain. I will be stuck in Forks for God knows how long. Until then, I will never experience something truly sunny and warm, where wearing shorts and a tank top all day is perfect. Man, I would fucking kill for that.

I heard an engine purr behind me, creeping up closer and closer. I grew fearful and kept my head down, shoving my hands into my pockets nervously. The car drove up right next to me as I heard the velvety voice that I tried so hard to forget, but would always remember.

"Bella? What are you doing?" He asked, his voice laced with concern.

I gulped. "Walking."

"Get in the car, it's raining," he pleaded. I forced myself to keep walking, to pretend he wasn't there. But the longing in his voice pulled me in like a damn magnet. I couldn't stop myself from looking into his gorgeous green eyes. He looked so… sad. It made my heart sink low into my stomach, making me feel sick.

I shook my head and forced my legs to move quicker, away from him.

"Bella, come on, I'll take you wherever you need to be. You're gonna get sick."

"Edward, leave me alone, please," I urged, my voice shaking. I didn't want to have to do this.

"Why? What did I do to you?" He sounded like he was in pain. Confusion was written all over his features, plain as day. A line made of worry etched into the marble skin on his forehead that I often longed to run my lips across. I swallowed the urge to smooth it away with my thumb in an effort to make his worry disappear. Someone so beautiful should never be troubled.

But I had to be strong.

"You just don't understand," I hissed as I stopped walking and faced his car, hands on my hips.

He glared at me. "You don't tell me anything at all – ever – of course I'm not going to understand."

I huffed and rolled my eyes as I continued to stomp away.

"Bella, please, just get in the car."

I looked up into his eyes again, but failed to resist this time. I felt my feet parading their way to his car before I even realized where I was going.

I grumbled to myself as I got in the front seat.

"Now was that so hard?" His voice was half annoyed, half teasing.

I stayed silent, tilting my head away from him to look out the window.

"Where should I take you?" He asked.

"My house," I whispered, knowing already that he knew where it was. Every teenager in this town knew where the chief lived. They made sure of it so they knew where it wasn't smart to do anything illegal. That's how it was in a town this small.

"Where's Alice?" I asked, hoping to fill the 5 minute ride with small talk, so Edward wouldn't have the chance to ask me questions.

"She rode home with Rosalie and Jasper. She's going to their house. Why were you walking? Where's your truck?"

"It broke down."

"What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," I grumbled.

"Why don't you have Emmett or Rosalie look at it?" He offered, turning the heat up a little bit when he noticed I was shivering.

"I was thinking about it."

"Ah, but you thought against it, because you're afraid they would ask you why you've disappeared from our lives, I'm guessing." Of course he knew what my intentions were. Edward was not stupid.

I didn't say anything. Instead, I watched a shadow of sadness cast across his face.

"Bella, I'm sorry about everything. I-"

"Edward, I don't want to get into this right now," I interrupted quietly, fiddling with my thumbs in my lap, feeling my heart pound in my chest like a sporadic drum.

He huffed, clearly frustrated. "I understand if you regret everything, but can you at least tell me if I did anything wrong? I need to know."

I shook my head at the lack of truth in his first statement. I would never regret our kiss. My first kiss. "I promise that you didn't do anything wrong. Can we just leave it at that?"

He sighed, but didn't press the subject any further, which I was grateful for. I had not intended to speak to Edward at all. I had no idea what to say to him. I just knew what I couldn't say.

We pulled up to my house a few moments later. Before I exited the car, he grabbed my hand softly, initiating a spark to flow through my entire existence. I almost shuttered at the strength and intensity of it.

"Wait," he pleaded, staring into my eyes longingly. I swallowed thickly.

"Are we going to keep doing this, Bella? Are we going to keep pretending that we didn't have a great time together all those days?"

The agony in his voice almost crumbled me into pieces. I wanted to scream at myself for doing this to him. To myself. I had no idea he felt so strongly about our friendship, or whatever the hell it was. But he did, and I tore it away from him. I caused him pain, something I was trying to keep him from since the beginning.

Being away from him caused us both pain. Spending time together made us both happy, but could very easily cause us both even more pain in the future if Phil found out. This was something that I could not just decide right away.

But I knew for sure that I could feel myself slipping away to him. I could feel pieces of myself attach to him with every second that passed by. All it took was one five minute car ride, and I was hooked again. Like he was my own personal brand of heroin.

"Just let me figure this all out, please," I begged.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What exactly is there to figure out?"

"I can't get into it right now. I'll text you tonight, okay?"

He smiled my favorite crooked grin, his green eyes glowing with contentment. I felt my girly bits tingling from his effect.

I smiled timidly in return and reached for his door handle when he grabbed my arm again.

"Wait, how are you going to get to school in the morning? I'll give you a ride, if you'd like. I'll ask Emmett to look at your truck after school."

I nodded, my heart fluttering a little at the thought of Edward being the first face I saw in the morning. Tomorrow was definitely going to be a great day.

A/N: you guys knew I couldn't keep them apart ;) next chapter is going to be HUGE! I can't wait for you guys to read! I promise to update very soon:) review and let me know what you think!