They'd stepped into the Gate with dusk falling around them amidst open air and trees, and they stepped out of it into the artificial light of a huge, concrete room. He blinked at its brightness and its unfamiliarity. He'd thought that arriving home would clear up his confusion, but apparently not.
"Welcome home, SG-1," a voice said from the air. Seeing him look around, Carter motioned towards an upper window where he could see people looking down on them.
"Thank you, Sir," she said. "Request permission to proceed immediately to the infirmary. We've a situation here."
"Granted. I'll meet you there," the voice answered, and he was propelled across the room, out the door, and through the halls.
The infirmary, he discovered, was another large, concrete room full of bright lights. This one, though, was lined with narrow beds. A short woman in a white jacket directed him to one of them, and he sat on its edge. Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c stood off to the side and watched him with worried eyes. "What have we got?" the woman said at the same time the bald man from the mist entered the room and asked, "What's the situation?"
Carter took a long breath and began to answer. "The natives on p3C-836 weren't quite as friendly as they appeared, Sir. They demanded that one of us take what they called a 'Trial by Mist'. This fog descended on the colonel...to us it wasn't there longer than a minute or two, but when it lifted the colonel was exhausted like he'd been through an ordeal of several days...you can see he even has a few days' worth of beard."
"So, we're looking at exhaustion then?" the woman he assumed was the doctor asked.
"Well, that though he slept a good part of the day and seems to be the better for it, but there's something more," she bit her lip in a manner he had come to realize meant she wasn't quite sure how to proceed, and then she went on, "The colonel doesn't remember...well, he seems to remember us, but not our names or anything else really." The doctor and the general looked at him and he shrugged apologetically.
"OK," the doctor said, "let's take a look." For the next couple of hours, he answered numerous questions: Did his head hurt? No. Did he have any dizziness or vertigo? No. Was he injured anywhere? And on and on. He also underwent several tests. He didn't understand what the machines did but apparently they were able to see into his brain and the rest of his body, as well...at least that's what the doctor, Frasier he'd learned, told him. He also had given up several vials of blood for testing. The whole process left him exhausted, and, from what he could gather, didn't shed any light on his problem at all. Finally, the doctor and her minions left him to curl up on his narrow bed and try to sleep.
The others had been in and out. He gathered Carter was needed to figure out just what the stuff they'd brought back through the Gate with them was. She'd left him reluctantly early on and hadn't returned. Daniel had been called away to see if he could translate something for her several times but always wandered back in. Teal'c had stood close by the whole time. O'Neill was glad for his presence. The general he recognized from the mist, of course, but nothing else was the least bit familiar. He felt almost as vulnerable as he had there. Just as confused, too. And just as responsible. These people expected things of him. Things he didn't know how to give them.
"Colonel O'Neill," Teal'c addressed him, "do not be concerned at your memory loss. I am certain you will remember in time."
"What makes you think that?" he mumbled, but he was already asleep if the warrior answered. When he awoke, he could tell from the quietness all around him night had finally arrived even in this place of concrete. Carter was dozing in a chair beside him, and Daniel was sprawled on top of the bed beside his. Teal'c was for the first time nowhere in sight. He watched them quietly wondering why it was he trusted what he'd seen of them in the mist. If the baby wasn't what she had seemed, than should he trust that these were? He was at their mercy; they could tell him whatever they wanted. He'd never know they were deceiving him. Twice now he'd slept without fear in their presence, what made him believe they wouldn't kill him in his sleep?
From the beginning, he'd accepted his knowledge of them. It made him uncomfortable to doubt them now. But for a moment, he did. Then Carter lifted her head and saw him awake. Her smile at seeing him wiped away his distrust. What was it about her smile, he wondered, that could make him feel so content and pleased with life? He drew in a surprised gasp of air when the answer hit him.
"Sir?" she asked him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly not wanting to disturb Daniel.
"Tell you what, Sir?"
"About us." He watched his words hit her like a solid blow and too late remembered the feelings of longing and sorrow that had been intertwined with his joy in walking with her. He saw the distance she'd left between her chair and the side of his bed and understood things were not as simple as her smile had made him believe. He watched her take a deep breath, bite her lip, and blink away the tears forming in her eyes. There was nothing he could do to call back his words, and he wasn't sure he wanted to anyway.
"I...I uh...I'm not sure what you mean," she finally stammered out.
"I think you are," he answered.
"Maybe you're confused," she said.
"Am I?" he asked. He didn't believe it.
At the best of times, she was a lousy liar and caught here with cameras blinking down on them totally unprepared she was at a loss of what to say. "We're uh... we're in the same chain of command, you know, Sir, and uh...if...well...um, it would be impossible um for us..."
"Oh," he said as if he understood, but he didn't. Chain of command or not, it was definitely not impossible for him to be in love with her. And her reaction to his words made him think she felt the same for him. Apparently, though, it could make them keep a safe distance between themselves and only say what they felt with a smile. He wondered if anyone could really be fooled. "Sorry," he said, "things are still pretty mixed up for me."
She nodded, "Yes, Sir." An awkward silence filled the room. Daniel rolled over on his bed, and it squeaked. Footsteps sounded in the hallway and faded away. Somewhere even farther away, someone laughed. She wouldn't meet his eyes. He knew before she ever spoke that she'd suddenly remembered some work she should be doing. He nodded and let her go. What a fool he must be, he decided. Not only the man he had been, but the man he was now.
He rolled over and saw Daniel was awake.
Daniel gave him a sad smile. "She'll be all right," he said.
"You were awake then?"
"Yeah...it's just not as easy as what it seems like it should be. It's... complicated."
"Why is that?"
"Rules. Regulations."
"And we can't get away from them?"
"Not if you want to do your jobs."
"What's so important about walking from one world to the next?" he snorted.
"It's more than that. We're explorers, and there's a lot we've learned from that. But, we're not just out there for the fun of it. Sam and I probably would be if...but you and Teal'c...
"What?" he asked.
"We're at war...we need allies, weapons, whatever we can find to fight with. That's what we're out there for. A lot more is at stake than just checking out the neighborhood."
"Enough to keep us within the regulations?"
"Well, yes, I guess so."
"What would happen if we quit?" he asked.
"I don't know," Daniel said, shaking his head. "Earth isn't a match for the Goa'uld."
"The Goa'uld?"
"Our enemy. They're parasitical beings who prey on humans as hosts and enslave them by acting as gods. They control numerous worlds and have advanced weapons and technology. The only reason they haven't destroyed us already is because you found the Asgard."
"I met it in the mist. It wanted to help, but it was something I had to do on my own."
Daniel looked at him oddly, "Um...actually there are a lot of Asgard, Jack. Not just one. But, yeah, they can only do so much. They have their own problems and war to fight. We can't depend on them to save us." O'Neill nodded. He'd got that. "What was it you had to do?" Daniel asked him.
He shrugged. "I wish I knew...something important. The more you talk, the more I figure it's probably what you're talking about. It sounds pretty important."
"It's important, all right," Daniel asserted.
"Important enough to keep doing regardless of the cost? Regardless of..." he trailed off. "It's really that important, you think?"
"I do."
"I won't be able to do it though, will I? Not like this?" he asked.
"I doubt it, but give the doctors some time. And yourself, too...it could be the effects will just wear off."
"I keep expecting to suddenly remember myself, you know?" Daniel gave him a sympathetic look but couldn't promise him it would happen. "Tell me why I was the worst possible one for that test, Daniel. Who was I that you think I should have let someone else do it instead?" he asked.
"Oh. I was hoping you forgot," Daniel said with an embarrassed grin.
"Nope, that I remember!"
"The natives said it would test if our hearts were true. Whatever that meant. And you...you're not the most open man in the world. You've made a lot of choices and done a lot of things that I don't think you like. You obviously think they were necessary, but you don't approve of them. You keep it all hidden under this mask you show us, but it's all there underneath. Outside you usually play either this arrogant, hard-nosed colonel or a sarcastic, smart-aleck, but it's all just an act. Underneath...I don't think you even know what you are inside. And it just didn't seem wise to find out on an alien planet without any backup, if you know what I mean."
"You don't like me very well then," he said. Funny, he hadn't thought that at all. He had thought they were friends, and the rejection hurt more than he would have expected considering Daniel was essentially a stranger.
"Actually," Daniel said with a grin, "I like you a lot. You drive me crazy sometimes, but...you've been there when I've needed you. You're a good friend, and as the military guys say, 'It's an honor serving with you.' You're the best we've got out there, Jack." O'Neill heard the sincerity in his words and was embarrassed by it but also gratified. Maybe the man he had been wasn't quite as bad as he'd started to fear.
"It doesn't sound like I'm the kind of man she'd...but she does right? I'm not just imagining it, am I?"
"We've never...well, she's not likely to discuss it with me! But, I think it's safe to say she does."
"Even if I'm an arrogant and sarcastic so and so?"
"No accounting for taste," Daniel said. O'Neill threw his pillow at him.
"Speaking of taste, I'm hungry...can we get something to eat around here?"
"Let me see if Janet is around...she'd hunt us down if you leave without checking with her." Yawning, Daniel climbed out of his bed and wondered out of the room. O'Neill sat on the side of his bed and waited. It wasn't long before he was back with the doctor.
"So, you're feeling rested?" Frasier asked him.
"Well, my arms and back are still stiff, but yeah, I'm feeling pretty good."
"You're not remembering any more than before though?"
He blinked at her. He'd remembered the one thing...or understood it anyway, but he didn't think he ought to share it with her. "I'm hungry," he answered evasively.
"Really...for anything in particular?"
"No, should I be?"
"Well, memory is a funny thing. It might come back in small ways first. I was hoping if you were hungry for a food we knew you particularly liked, it might indicate your memory was coming back."
"Oh. No, I'm not hungry for anything special...maybe just a piece of cake or something." Janet and Daniel both looked at him, and he asked, "What?"
"Nothing, Colonel. Go ahead and get some food. Then Daniel can show you to your quarters. There's really no need for you to be here."
"All right," he said, hopping off his bed. "Thanks, Doc." He and Daniel walked in companionable silence to the mess hall. He picked a large piece of cake and took a cup of coffee. Flicking a speck of dust off the top of it, he asked Daniel the question he'd been wondering about for a while, "Why are you so sad, Daniel? Is it the war?"
"I'm not sad, Jack," Daniel assured him.
"Yes, you are."
"Why would you say that?" he asked curiously.
"I saw it in the mist. You acted cheerful and happy, but you were really sad."
Daniel looked beyond him and answered, "I have a wife, Jack. The Goa'uld took her...she's one of them now. I...miss her, I want to find her and bring her back. That's why I'm part of SG-1. The war's pretty personal to me."
"Oh," Jack said. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. Eat your cake." Daniel hoped the conversation was over. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what else Jack had learned about him in the mist. But, then again, he did wonder about the others. "What was Sam like there?"
"Beautiful," Jack answered, smiling around the huge bite of cake he'd just shoveled into his mouth. "She was pretty much the same as she is here...maybe she would have been the wisest choice for the test."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you and Teal'c were two things at once...you were happy and sad; he was an enemy and a friend. Carter was just Carter."
"So you figure the test would have been simpler for her because she isn't hiding anything from anyone?"
"Something like that. You don't?"
"I might be wrong, but I think she hides one thing from herself all the time," Daniel answered him pointedly.
"Think so?"
"Yeah, I do. I mean the war may never be won. You two may never have a chance. If she has to face that all the time...well, I just don't think she admits it to herself."
"Maybe. But it didn't show up as a problem in the mist."
"She denied it to you here."
"She did that," he admitted reluctantly.
"What about you? Who were you in the mist?"
"Nobody...I was just walking along."
"So the whole time you were in there, which was obviously longer for you than it was for us, you were just walking?"
"Basically. I'd meet folks every once in a while who just seemed to tell me to keep going."
"Except Sam. She asked you to carry something you said."
"She told me I had to keep walking, too."
"What did she ask you to carry?"
"I don't know...I'm thinking the future. If we're in this big battle, and we have to keep trying to find ways to win it, maybe those aliens just wanted to know if I thought the effort was worth it, you know? If I thought the future was worth the trouble."
"Which you did," Daniel said.
"Yeah, I did," he answered.
"What did the future look like in the mist?"
"A baby. Carter asked me to carry her baby...at least I assumed it was her baby. Only it wasn't a baby. Not really." He closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions he felt thinking about her. He could still feel her weight in his arms and smell her smell. He missed her. "The longer we went on the heavier she got. Carrying her was like carrying a load of weapons' grade naquada. Only she felt a lot sweeter and smelled a lot better, too."
"Jack, what do you know about weapons' grade naquada?" Daniel asked quietly.
"Huh? Weapons grade what?"
"Naquada? You said carrying the baby was like carrying weapons' grade naquada."
"I did?"
"You did."
"I don't even know what it is...what should I know about it?"
"It's extremely heavy...and we've ran in to it on our little jaunts to other worlds. I can't imagine how you'd know anything about it unless your memory is starting to come back."
"I wish," he said.
"Well, I can tell you sitting here watching you pick nonexistent specks of dust out of your coffee and shovel in cake like you haven't eaten in a week is not something I haven't done plenty of times before...like just about every night we get stuck on base."
"Really?"
"Really. I think you're a lot more back than you realize...give it some time."
"What else can I do?" he asked wearily.
"Well, as a last resort we can return to the planet and see what the natives have to say. But not tonight. We might as well get some more rest if you're done with your cake."
And it was as simple as that. He went to bed as a man who knew next to nothing about himself and woke up as Colonel Jack O'Neill of the SGC, a man who knew more than he wanted to about himself. Daniel was snoring in the opposite bunk. Teal'c would be coming out of kelnareem. Carter would no doubt have spent the night working on whatever it was they'd brought back with them from p3C-836, hiding from him and whatever else he might ask her that was better left unsaid.
In a minute, he would get up and drag Daniel out of bed. Together they'd drop by and pick up Teal'c and then haul Carter out of her lab for breakfast. She'd be quiet and awkward at first, but by the time they'd finished the meal, she'd be babbling on about what she was discovering or grumbling because she couldn't figure out what she was looking at. In a few days, as soon as he was cleared for duty and they could coerce Carter away from her new toys, they'd walk through the StarGate onto some new world again...because the future was precious and they couldn't let it go without a fight.
-The fog comes on little cat feet...Carl Sandburg-
Either my document dropped a good number of commas somewhere through the years, or I was particularly stingy with them in writing this. I'm suffering from a severe case of spring fever, and my need to be out in the garden is much stronger than my writer's vanity making me want to take the time to reedit this before posting it on FanFic. If I don't keep posting now that I've begun, it could be years before I start again if ever, so I'm leaving it as is. My apologies.