I never thought I'd be eager for the Recap Show, but I am now. Once it's over and I give my final interview, I'll finally get to go home. I try to focus on that as I wait backstage with Cashmere. I heard Peeta got out of the hospital a few days ago and I'm not exactly looking forward to seeing him. I don't hate Peeta, but I doubt he's got such neutral feelings towards me. I did almost kill him after all.
I haven't seen Katniss since Haymitch laid everything out for us and it's probably for the best. I don't know how I'm going to deal with seeing her out there, especially when basically every interaction I have with her that isn't overwhelmingly negative might set Snow off. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I can't freak out. I can't do or say anything stupid. Lives depend on it.
"You okay? You sound like you're about to have a heart attack?" Cashmere asks.
No, I'm not okay. Everything could go wrong out there…and that's not even mentioning the Recap itself. I'm going to have to watch everything I did during the Games again, along with worrying about the stirrings of revolution going on in the districts that Snow is super pissed about and I am partially responsible for.
"I-I think I'm just nervous," I say, partially telling the truth.
Cashmere shoots me a knowing look. Maybe Haymitch filled her in since Gloss is a no-show.
"Just stay calm out there. You don't have even have to say much…it's actually probably better if you don't," she says.
Yep. Haymitch definitely told her what's going on. I'm about to agree when I hear Caesar Flickerman's distinctive theme music come on over the speakers. Seconds later, I hear the eccentric host make his entrance. I can't even make out what he's saying over the crowd's hysteria, but I suspect I'll have to enter soon.
"What a Hunger Games that was folks!" Caesar booms, just barely over the crowd. It sets off a fresh wave of cheering that he has to wait to die before he continues.
"Now, I know you're all eager to see our victors...so let's get right to it!" Caesar says, his contagious laughter somehow audible despite the crowd.
I look idly at my suit, but don't bother straightening it. I suppose Antony won't be happy but who gives a shit.
"You know them as the star-crossed lovers from District Twelve," Caesar announces, "But they are now victors of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games! Please welcome back Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire!"
Based on the deafening roar from the crowd, I assume Peeta and Katniss have made their entrance. Somehow, I can still hear Caesar laughing above it all. I can just see him now, flashing that pearly white grin and wearing some ridiculous suit as he pretends this is fun for us.
"And last but certainly not least, you knew this young man as a confident warrior from District One…and he returns to us a champion! Please welcome back Marvel Maddox, also a victor of this year's Hunger Games!" Caesar booms.
I steel myself and head out, hearing the crowd screeching like a pack of wild animals. I fight down my disgust and step onto the stage. The cheering swells and I'm nearly blinded by the spotlight. I can just make out Caesar, standing near some furniture and beckoning me forward.
I step towards him and shake his hand. He beckons me toward a seat which I guess is for me. There's another one for him and a loveseat for Katniss and Peeta, which they're already curled up on. I look at them for a moment and they look at me. Katniss looks collected, but I can see the nervousness in her eyes. Peeta just looks ready to fight me again.
"Ooh! I think there's still a lot tension," Caesar quips, drawing some laughter from the crowd.
The look on Peeta's face answers for him. I almost say something but freeze when I look down. My stomach completely drops as I spot Peeta's new prosthetic leg. I try to keep my breathing even and not let the guilt show on my face. I did that to him. I'm the one who reinjured his leg. I was…I was just out of control when I fought him. And because of that Peeta's going to be missing a leg for the rest of his life.
"Now let's take it easy," Caesar says good-naturedly, "The Games are over! No more fighting with the other tributes."
The crowd laughs again, like this is all somehow funny…and it makes me want to go spit in each one of their faces. I hold onto Cashmere's advice like a life-preserver in the middle of the ocean. I've got to stay calm. If I don't, people die.
"Well, welcome back, victors! I can honestly say it is a pleasure to see each of you again!" Caesar says.
"Thank you, Caesar. It's great to be back," Peeta says, diverting his gaze from me and smiling at the Capitol host. What a fucking liar.
"I have to say, I feel honored to be a part of this momentous occasion. Three victors! That is an unprecedented event in Hunger Games history!" Caesar says, practically giddy with excitement. Either he's a better actor than I thought or Snow hasn't informed him of how unhappy he was with the results.
"It feels incredible to be a part of something so important," Peeta continues, giving this pack of narcissists exactly what they want, "I'm just trying to take it all in."
"I can't blame you, Peeta. It really is something special…what about you two?" Caesar asks, turning to Katniss and I, "How have you been feeling since you left the arena?"
Better not go for the honest answer here.
"Fine," I shrug, "Mostly just recovering."
"Same," Katniss clips.
"Well don't both of you start talking my ear off at once!" Caesar jokes, drawing even more laughter from the crowd.
"But seriously," Caesar says, refocusing so quickly it's almost scary, "I have to ask you, Katniss…what was going through your head when you pulled out those berries?"
The audience goes silent and I almost have a fucking heart attack. This is it. The big one. If she doesn't play this exactly right, we're all in for it.
Katniss is silent for a moment before turning to Peeta with her best impression of affection. "I wasn't thinking. That was the problem," she says, "Peeta was dying and I was just so…distraught at the possibility of losing him that I just decided to do something drastic. I knew that at least then we could be together for sure."
I almost throw up, but apparently it works for the crowd. They let out a chorus of awws and I can hear some of them sobbing. It only gets worse when Peeta pulls Katniss even closer, almost in his fucking lap, and kisses her temple. What's wrong with these people? Did they not watch the Games? Katniss doesn't love Peeta and she didn't pull those berries out because she just "wasn't thinking." Has Snow's narrative already worked? Has he played it enough times that it's already become truth to the citizens of the Capitol? Are they really that stupid or do they just want to believe the love story?
"Marvel?" Caesar asks, drawing me out of my angry thoughts.
"Sorry, I…was lost for a moment there," I say, refocusing. I've still got to get through this shit.
"I saw that," Caesar chuckles, "I was asking you why you accepted the berries."
This is actually the only question I can give an honest answer to. "At that point, it was either swallow the berries or bleed to death. I didn't have many options," I say.
Caesar just nods, but quickly lightens up, eager to move on from the depressing stuff. This is the Capitol after all where people have to be happy one-hundred percent of the time.
"Well, we have the interviews for the rest of the story. I think now it's time for the Recap!" Caesar booms, drawing more insane cheering from the massive crowd.
The lights go down and a massive screen lowers behind us. Then, like a horror film, it starts. The first thirty minutes isn't too bad. It covers the Reapings, the parade, training and the interviews. The key players get most of the camera time. Katniss, Peeta and I make a lot of appearances, along with Cato, Thresh, Clove and a few others.
I have to suppress a lot of emotion when I see Brooke and Rue, my old friends, so alive in the footage, are dead now…and it's my fault. I could've saved them…but I failed.
They show my interview, where I boldly predicted I'd win, along with Peeta's declaration of love, which draws more insufferable cooing from the audience. Then the Games start. I feel myself shrinking down into my chair as I watch the Bloodbath. I can barely watch as I see me and my fellow careers slaughtering everyone in our paths. From there, it skips around. It shows Katniss running through the forest, Peeta joining the careers, Thresh hiding in the wheat field.
Things don't pick up again until we go hunting. I notice the Capitol edited out my conversation with Ava. Instead, it just shows me walk up and stab her like she was barely worth the effort to kill. I feel rage and guilt building and grip the sides of my chair to keep from doing something drastic.
It shows the fire and how Lewis and I saved Brooke before our encounter with Katniss. Then the tracker jackers. It shows the event in all its awful chaotic glory, from Glimmer and Brooke's deaths to the hallucinations to the fight with Cato. I'm still reeling from seeing just how bad Brooke's death was when I feel Peeta's eyes on me. I don't look but I understand it. I saved him from Cato…and even now it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The best explanation I can give is that I did it for Katniss.
From there, it shows a couple things: the surviving careers recuperating, Peeta camouflaging himself by a creek, Rue saving Katniss and I. Oh Rue. She did so much for both of us…especially me. She had no reason to trust me. I was a District One career and yet she saved me...but when it came time to return the favor, I failed.
It's when our alliance takes center stage that I see just how much they fucked with the footage. Our interactions with Rue are about the same, but every single positive interaction I had with Katniss is gone. Instead, they show our short arguments, our barbs and even our playful insults, which they've doctored to look not so playful. I try to suppress my anger. It's not surprising. Everything Katniss and I talked about, everything we did and said, kinda sinks the Katniss-Peeta ship.
The only enjoyable part of the Recap comes when I see Katniss blow up the supplies and the career's hysterical reactions to it, although I can't help but feel a bit bad for Cooper.
Then the big one happens: Rue's death. I don't want to watch, but I know I have to. I can't be a coward. I have to face the fact that I failed my friend. As I hear her terrified screams again and see Lewis drive his spear into her gut, I can't deny there's some satisfaction when I see Katniss' arrow enter his neck. I shouldn't hate Lewis, but when I'm watching the videos it's impossible to feel anything else. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but right now, I have no sympathy for Lewis. He may have lost Brooke, but that's no excuse for what he did. We've all lost people.
I almost flip over my chair and leave when I see how they cut out everything around Rue's death: Katniss and I holding her hands, Katniss singing and the burial in flowers. They really will stop at nothing to drive their version of the story home and truth is the first thing that's gotta be sacrificed on that altar.
Katniss and I separate not soon after, of course omitting the parts where we said we cared about each other. It shows her reunion with Peeta, along with everyone else just surviving, before getting to the Feast. I can tell by the way Peeta's eyes widen in shock that Katniss didn't tell him too much about what went down. I can feel him looking at me again when I save Katniss, but I don't meet his gaze. I don't really have to because Cato's transformation happens soon after and that steals everyone's attention. I have to resist the urge to cover my ears, all those cracking sounds and the screaming returning.
After that, Cato…or what was Cato, takes over. It shows the creature chasing a terrified Thresh through the woods. I feel guilty when I notice how slow he's running and the wound in his stomach. When Cato catches him, I feel even worse. The creature didn't just kill him. It tore him apart, devouring pieces of his corpse and rendering the body unrecognizable. His family won't even have a decent body to bury. For the second time, I nearly vomit.
After that, it shows Katniss and Peeta cuddling in their cave, exchanging hugs and kisses and all that crap. For the first time since the show started, I look over at them. They're all over each other, which really pisses me off. I try to tell myself I'm not jealous, that this is just how things have to be. It's true that this is unavoidable…but I can't deny how badly I want to trade places with Peeta right now, especially since I know the truth. Hell, anyone who knows Katniss would know the truth. She's never that touchy-feely, especially when she's in front of a massive crowd.
After skimming over the girl from Five's death, which is almost as awful as Thresh's, the finale starts. It shows our climbs to escape the rising floodwater, our meeting and our battle. I notice Peeta rubbing his prosthetic as I slash his leg open. I can't get over how deranged I look, half-starved and wild-eyed. I guess that's just what the Games does.
Me sparing Katniss is skipped, the footage doctored to make it look like the Cato-mutt appeared right after I vanquished Peeta. They get every gory detail of the fight in and I find myself covering my side as I see it stab me with its sharp claws. From there, they show Katniss kill the goddamn thing before going to check on Peeta without even glancing at me.
More bullshit.
Then the berries come out, we are all proclaimed victors and the screen cuts to black.
Almost instantly, the crowd springs to their feet and roars in approval. Caesar laughs but I barely hear it. I feel exhausted, like I just ran a marathon. I hate everything they did, how they made me look…how they made Katniss and I look. I look over and catch her gaze while Peeta's putting on a good face for the crowd. I see it in her eyes.
She hates it, too.
I must've been the most boring interviewee ever. Caesar tried everything to get me to open up during my personal interview, but I was done. I was done with him, done with the Capitol, done with Snow. I was done with fucking everything. I decided to take a page out of Thresh's playbook and answer with one word whenever possible. I think he actually got tired of my stiffness and cut it short, which I'll take as a small victory.
When Cashmere finally announces it's time to go home a few days later, I feel the closest thing to joy that I've felt since I last kissed Katniss. I ignore the incessant camera flashes and calls of my name as I board the train with my entourage, which now includes a surly Gloss that still isn't speaking to me. It's just as well. I'm not exactly broken up over it. Once in my quarters, I collapse on the bed and drift off into slumber, not even concerned about the nightmares that usually grace me with their presence. I'm too tired to worry. All I want is to leave the Capitol and never return.
The train has already pulled out by the time I wake up. I had fewer nightmares than usual, so I'll chock that up as another win. Glancing out the window of my quarters, I can tell that it's nighttime. It's just as well. District One is close to the Capitol and we should be there by tomorrow morning. Peeta and Katniss will have a much longer ride home, but that isn't my problem. Gloss, Cashmere and I are getting dropped off first.
After falling asleep for so long, I'm pretty hungry. I've been that way since I left the arena, sneaking food whenever possible. It never seems to be enough. I eat constantly and never feel full. What's even worse is that I still see a skeleton whenever I look in the mirror. I suppose I'll have plenty of time to workout when I get back home, but a little bit concerned my body has been forever altered. I was skinny before but this is unnatural.
As I make my way through to darkened halls to the dining cart, I have to pass through numerous automatic doors that whoosh open as you approach them. As I pass through the last one before the door to the dining cart, I run into the only person probably less excited to see me than Gloss: Peeta.
What's he doing up? Is he up for a midnight snack or can he just not sleep? I wouldn't be surprised if nightmares were getting to him, too. He pauses when he sees me, switching from looking tired to surprised to angry all in a few seconds.
"Evening, Loverboy," I say, giving my best shot at humor.
Judging by the way Peeta's blue eyes narrow, I don't think it worked. He shoulders his way past me without a word, but when the opposite door whooshes open, I feel the need to say something.
"Peeta, listen…" I say, noticing him stiffen at his name, "I just wanted to say I'm…I'm sorry about the leg."
Peeta pivots and punches me in the face so fast I don't even see it, just a blur of movement. My jaw is throbbing as I find myself on the floor. Peeta could pack a much harder punch than I ever expected.
I deserved the first one and I could let that go, but when I Peeta jumps on top of me and starts raining down blows, I feel my control slip. Training kicks in and I head-butt him, knocking him off my chest. Before he can get up, I swipe his prosthetic leg out from under him and seize the upper hand, forcing him down and raising my fist.
But I freeze. Peeta's already bleeding badly from his nose. His prosthetic is detached, effectively crippling him…and here I am ready to wail on him some more. Haven't I caused him enough suffering?
I pull my fist back and get off him. He refuses to make eye contact with me, grimacing as he focuses on the floor.
"Peeta…I'm sorry about the leg. I really am. I'd take it back if I could, but I can't and the Games are over," I say, hoping he'll see reason. I understand his anger, but how much more fighting can we all take?
Peeta laughs bitterly as he reattaches his prosthetic. "You think I'm mad about the leg?" he says, shaking his head, "You're stupider than I thought."
"If you're not mad about that, I'm not sure what your problem is," I say, "But if you-
Peeta cuts me off. "You know goddamn well what my problem is," he spits.
"Okay…for one second, pretend I don't and humor me," I hiss, my anger beginning to take over.
"I've seen how she looks at you," Peeta says, voice barely above a whisper, "It's the way I always wished she'd look at me."
I'm confused for a second and then it hits me: she is Katniss, the girl Peeta is hopelessly in love with. The same girl I've kissed twice.
"Peeta, don't be ridiculous. Katniss is with you. She loves you," I lie. As much as it kills me to push for them to be together, it's what has to be done.
Peeta just scoffs and shakes his head. "She's with me alright…but she doesn't love me. She loves someone else."
My eyes widen at that. Katniss said she cared for me, but love? There's no way she said that. That's gotta be Peeta's assessment of the situation, right?
"Peeta, I-
"Save it," he interjects, hauling himself to his feet slowly, like an old man, "It isn't fair. I've loved her for ten years. You've only done it for a few weeks."
Wait, what? I care for Katniss…I care for her a lot, but I know I never said that. Even if it was true and permitted by Snow, it'd be way too early for that. This is just what Peeta thinks...right?
"Peeta, wake up," I say, allowing my own bitterness to come through, "Katniss is going to be with you. Period. End of story. Just be grateful."
What the hell is he whining about? Katniss has been all but betrothed to him. He's going to be with the girl he loves and nothing in Panem can stop that.
"Sure…sure," he says as he walks away to his room, leaving me all alone.
I stand there a moment, stewing in my anger. Awful images of Katniss being in his room waiting for him make me wish I had kicked his ass when I had the chance. I try to shake it off, but it's persistent. His assumptions were something else. He was right about some things…and he may've been right about everything.
It's a good thing that Cashmere woke me up this morning. I might've lashed out at someone else. I barely slept, staying up thinking about Katniss, about Peeta, about home and everything else that's happened. My jaw is still sore but it fortunately hasn't turned purple or anything like that. When Cashmere told me we'd arrived in District One and had to depart soon, I didn't feel ready. It's crazy. After yearning to get back home so badly, I felt afraid now that I was there. I think I was afraid of seeing everything, all the familiar places. I was afraid they'd make me feel nothing just like the sunset had. I was afraid I'd have proof that everything was different. Not because District One changed but because I did.
I end up retreating to the caboose, where thankfully the blinds are closed on the window. I can hear the crowd out there, whether it's a welcoming committee or an angry mob, I'm not really sure. I could see how my actions wouldn't exactly make me Mr. Popular here…but then again we haven't had a victor in a while. In a career district, that may negate everything else.
I lean against the wall and shut my eyes, trying to slow my breathing. I just wish this could all be over. I wish things could be simple again.
"You okay?" a familiar voice asks.
I open my eyes to see Katniss standing in the caboose with me. The mere sight of her, coupled with the fact that she came back here to talk to me, increases my heart rate. She looks great. I suppose she always did to me.
"I'm alright," I say, "I just don't know what I'm going to do now."
"What do you mean?" Katniss asks.
"Just…everything. I don't know what my life's going to be now. Everything's changed so much. There's no way things can return to how they were," I say, "I just don't know how I'll handle it."
Katniss nods in understanding. She gets it. God knows she does. We've both been to hell and back. The Games smashed everything and now all we can do is pick up the pieces and move on.
"Are you worried?" I ask.
Katniss nods. "Mostly about the same things as you…I worry about where everything's going. I know I'll never be the same, but I…I'd like to think I could be okay again."
"Me too," I answer quietly, thinking about the nightmares I've had. Some are worse than others. The mutt ones are more bearable compared to the one's featuring Striker or Rue…or Katniss.
"Marvel! We've gotta go!" I hear Cashmere call from the front of the train.
"I'll be there in a minute!" I call back before sighing.
I turn towards Katniss and we exchange a sad glance. We both know it. This is the end. One last time, I decide to take a risk. I pull Katniss into my arms and hug her with all my might.
"Thank you," I whisper, "For everything. No matter what happens, I'm glad that I met you."
"I'm glad I met you, too," she says, her usually calm voice laced with emotion, "You take care of yourself, okay?"
I nod and we pull apart. Then, without another word or glance, I walk away. Each step is more painful than the last, each one taking me further and further from Katniss. Is this what love is? Because if it is, it's fucking miserable.
When I reach the door, Cashmere and Gloss are already waiting for me. Cashmere gives me a smile and Gloss is still refusing to acknowledge my presence. As I hear the door unlatch, I start shaking. I'm not the same person that boarded this train a month ago. That was a kid, a stupid kid…but an alive one. With Katniss gone, I feel numb again, like I really did die back in that arena.
Is what I fought for? Emptiness? There's gotta be something more. This can't be it. Is that what the Games really do to you? Do they strip you of everything you once were, rob you of all feelings and belief? I think of the victors I've seen on TV, the ones who turned to morphling or became alcoholics and wonder if that's where I'm heading. Is that the only way to deal with everything? Is that the only way they have of forgetting that the Games broke them beyond repair?
The door opens, allowing light and cheering to flood in. Cashmere beckons me forward as Gloss struts out to bask in the glory. I step out, my eyes scanning cheering people before me…then they freeze. They freeze on three people on the platform waiting for me.
My mother's there and she's got tears in her eyes. My dad does, too. He's holding Striker back with his good arm, who can't keep the excitement off his face and is trying to rush toward me despite his crutches. I don't think. I don't have to. I stride forward, almost shoving a photographer out of the way, and find myself enveloped in a group hug.
When their arms come around me, I feel again. I feel the pain of separation. I feel the anguish. I feel the joy of reuniting. But most of all, I feel the love. As they all hug me, I feel tears coming and I don't stop them. In a world that has been out to kill me, to wound me, to break me, here I am safe. Here is where I belong. It's where I always belonged. Nowhere else am I loved like this. And I was so goddamn stupid that I almost threw it away.
"I-I'm so sorry," I manage through the sobs.
"Shh," my mother whispers, "It's okay."
For the first time in a long time, I think that may be true. It may not be true now. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that it could be. I can be okay again. The Games have changed me forever. They have a way of doing that, of warping you and taking your life even if you survive. But I'm not completely dead yet. There's still a chance for me and, gradually, I will learn to live again.
The End