All alone as you look through the door
Nothing left to see
If it hurts and you can't take no more
Lay it all on me

No you don't have to keep it on a locking key
'Cause I will never let you down
And if you can't escape all your uncertainties
Baby I can show you how

When he'd said it might be hell, Rori had imagined Afghanistan, maybe Bagdad or somewhere else that was hot. Not space. She'd never even thought space was an option. Who would? It was like she was in some kind of dream where the reality she knew was just a sliver of the truth.

Teyla and Rodney had parked in the front yard in a small space ship that John had called a Puddle Jumper.

"We're going to space!?" Danny asked. Rori could see the panic edging in his eyes. "In this?"

"Yes," John replied. He sat down at the controls and powered the ship up like it was second nature. "Just like a car."

"Actually, not just like a car," Rodney said as he brushed passed them to join John in the cockpit. "It's air tight and built thousands of years ago."

"Thousands of years?" Danny asked.

"Danny, don't worry. It's just like a car," John said. He glared at Rodney.

"Danno, you don't have to go," Rori said. "If you want to take a little more recovery time, there's no shame…"

"No, I'm good. It's just like a car," he said, trying to convince himself. Rori could tell he was having a claustrophobic moment.

"You sure you're okay?" Steve asked. Danny nodded and sat down on the bench that ran along the length of the rear portion of the ship. Rori went into the cockpit and stood behind John at the pilot's seat.

"He okay?" John asked quietly.

"He's good, or will be," Rori assured. "This is really cool."

"Right?!" he said. He looked like a kid coming home on Christmas. Steve appeared next to her and rested his hand on the small of her back.

"Sheppard, you've been holding out on me, babe," Steve said.

"You guys understand that I couldn't tell you, right? By law, they could have put me in prison," he said. "The only reason I was able to tell you now is because General Carter approved it and you signed those papers. I just—"

"John," Rori cut him off. "You're rambling. It's okay, we understand."

The ship started to raise off the ground, but Rori didn't feel a thing. She glanced back at Danny. Hank was sitting with him trying to keep him calm but she wasn't sure it was working.

"So, these aliens that have taken your friend, they're pretty bad?" Rori asked. It sounded so foreign coming out. Impossible, really.

"Yeah, they've wiped out whole civilizations," John said with that disgusted twitch in the corner of his lip. "I really didn't want to expose you guys to them. I'm sorry."

"John, we're here for you," Rori said. "No matter what." He nodded and gave an apprehensive smile. "Earth looks so small," Rori added as John turned the ship so the could see.

"It's beautiful," Steve agreed.

"Where are we going, Rodney?" John asked. He was dismissive of their admiration, not so much that he didn't agree, but like he'd seen it a thousand times. Maybe he had.

"PHX-986," Rodney replied. "It's the closest gate we could get access to. Should take about six hours to get there."

"Six hours?" John asked. "Ronan is in the hands of the Wreith and six hours is the best you can do?!"

"We're crossing to another galaxy, so six hours is actually not that long in the grand scheme of things," Rodney quipped back.

"Okay, so after 986?" John asked with a conceding tone.

"From there we gate to the new Midway station, where Sam is waiting with a few supplies, then to the planet we think there might be a Wreith stronghold," Rodney explained.

"New Midway station, huh?" John asked. "I thought everyone agreed it wasn't a good idea to rebuild that."

"A lot has changed since you quit," Rodney said.

"Retired, I retired Rodney," John said defensively. "And it wasn't my choice."

"You could have come back," Rodney said. "They offered you a pardon so you could come back."

"I know exactly what they offered," John snapped. He glanced at Rori and Steve. "I couldn't come back, I had reasons to stay on Earth." He stood up and headed to the back. "I assume you can still fly. I'm gonna check on Danny."

Rori shared a confused, quizzical look with Steve. "I'm gonna," Steve said with a nod to the rear compartment. Rori just nodded and took the seat John vacated.

"They offered to let him come back to all of this?" Rori asked once she was alone with Rodney. She admired the control panel of the ship. It was covered in buttons, she assumed, that looked like crystals. Each with a symbol on it that she couldn't even begin to describe, let alone read.

"Yeah, two years ago," Rodney replied.

"You realize he was forced to retire, right?" she asked. She didn't know why or what had happened, but she knew the Air Force had offered him retirement during a court martial.

"Yes, but I was able to convince them he was invaluable, which he is, but he refused to come back. I guess he couldn't deal with the military not allowing his kind of people," Rodney said. He stared over his shoulder to the back where John was kneeling in front of Danny with a reassuring hand on his knee.

"His kind of people?" Rori asked.

"Gays, you know," Rodney said. He was clearly uncomfortable with it, but not shy to confront it. There was something more, again, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Rori could tell she was about to find out, though.

"I don't think that has anything to do with it," Rori said. "He's not exactly gay, so it doesn't really apply."

"It's none of my business," Rodney said. "I just thought of him as my brother, so it feels like maybe I never really knew him like I thought."

"That makes two of us," Rori said. She ran her finger along the scar on the inside of her wrist. "When did they offer him to come back, the date?"

"I think it was in June two years ago, I don't know the exact day," Rodney replied.

"June two years ago," she let it sink in because he had sacrificed going back to the military for her. She tried to think back to the days surrounding her suicide attempt, but it was fuzzy. She wanted to believe that he'd just decided he wanted to stay with her because he loved her, but she had a feeling and it was gnawing at her heart.

"Why? Is that date important?" Rodney asked.

"Maybe you don't know him as well as you thought," she said. She wasn't sure what she meant by it, but Rodney apparently had an image of what John was like that was different than the one she had.

"I just don't understand why he would quit. We needed him and he was frolicking on a Hawaiian beach," Rodney said. He looked like John had betrayed him and maybe it felt that way. That was the thing that had been lurking under the surface of Rodney's reactions. Betrayal. Rori didn't feel like it was her place to comment on John's decisions or feelings, especially when she was feeling pretty confused in that moment. She also knew she didn't have the whole story. She trusted John and she knew there had to be a reason he'd made the decision he had. But, her gut told her that she was the reason and it wasn't as romantic as it sounded.

The cockpit fell into silence and Rori watched out the forward window as they approached planet after planet until they'd left the solar system. Teyla came to sit with them, which only increased the awkward feeling that filled the air.

"Excuse me," Rori said as she stood to head to the back. Hank and Steve had gotten Danny involved in a card game to distract him from the cramped space, or the knowledge that they were flying through space, she wasn't sure which was worse for him. John was sitting on the end of the bench, as close to the rear hatch as he could get, intently reading something on a rugged looking tablet. She sat next to him and regarded him carefully. He was defensive, so she felt like she should tread lightly, but they were stuck in this box for another five hours and twenty-eight minutes. She couldn't sidestep what he already knew that she'd figured out. Even if she hoped she was wrong. "You okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he replied without looking up from the tablet.

"So, Rodney used to be a pretty good friend?" she asked.

"Yeah, my team consisted of Rodney, Teyla, and Ronan, the guy we're rescuing," he replied. "They were like family but it's kinda hard to keep in contact when they're in another galaxy."

"I get that, even if I didn't know it was possible two hours ago," she said. "I also get that you love this stuff. The light in your eyes when you sat in the pilot seat was unmistakable."

"This ship is the best thing I've ever flown. It literally responds to my every thought. It's like an extension of me," he said excitedly as he looked up from the tablet. There was that light again, the kid in John Sheppard coming out to play.

"So, a team that's like family, a ship you love flying, a war with an alien race to fight, why'd you give it up?" she asked. She didn't want to, but she needed to hear him say it. He met her gaze and the hesitation returned to his eyes. "John?"

"Something happened, a village got destroyed by the Wreith, I could have tried to save them, but I decided to save my team instead. They forced me to retire," he replied.

"And they offered for you to come back," she said. She knew she needed to prod a little to get the answer she needed. "In June, two years ago."

"My priorities changed," he replied simply but his eyes fluttered to her hands for a brief second before returning to make eye contact with her.

"I would have been fine without you, I would have—"

"You would have bled out on your kitchen floor," he growled in a low voice so the others didn't hear. His eyes were full of regret and pain. "I was going to come back, but I found you, like that, I couldn't… Besides, I didn't really want to come back. I already gave so much to this war. The only thanks I ever got was yet another black mark on my record and a forced retirement. I couldn't come back because I had already given all I had to give to Atlantis and Pegasus. I lost myself somewhere in the chaos and you helped me remember who I was, helped me find who I am."

It hurt to know that he, on some level, regretted finding her that day. But, at the same time, it made more sense to her of why she'd done it in the first place. She and John had that bond for so long. She'd lost her family and she felt like she was losing him too. At the time, she thought she was reading too much into it, but now she knew she wasn't.

"You should tell Rodney that," she said before she slid down onto the floor next to Danny.

John stared at her for a moment before going to the cockpit where he started exchange a few words with his old teammates. She'd never been good at reading lips, she tried but all she got was something about training a monkey to eat pineapples and swim in pudding. She was pretty confident that's not what he was talking about. She could tell from the way he was gesturing to the rear compartment, to the Ohana, and the looks Rodney and Teyla shot in their direction, that he was explaining why he had chosen not to return. Teyla and Rodney both looked relieved and gave him hugs.

"What are you up to?" Steve asked.

"Nothing," she replied. "Just helping John mend a few fences." She winked at John, who had caught her eye, and took a deep breath. It would take her some time to move passed the regret she'd seen in John's eyes, but she knew she would and they would be stronger for it. She just hoped he could too. "Deal me in," she said, trying to focus on the here and now so that the past didn't creep it's ugly head in too much.