I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me
Rori woke up alone in a small, gray room. A heart monitor beeped quietly next to her and an IV line pinched at her arm. She was covered with a light blanket, which kept her warm, but it didn't mask the familiar stench of surgery. When she could finally focus her eyes she saw the door across from the bed, which looked similar to the doors she'd seen aboard the Midway Station John had taken them to. Then she remembered. She was on the Daedalus. Her heart sank and her hand was heavy as she moved it to her stomach. The baby. She didn't feel any different, but she knew the little one was gone. A tear streaked down her face. She had hoped Jennifer would be right, that she would wake up and the guys would be with her. But, she'd been wrong. Rori had lied to them about the one thing she never should have.
No matter how much she tried, she always ended up here; alone in a hospital bed with the weight of her loss bearing down on her as if loss was all she could ever have.
The door opened and she stared in anticipation, or hope, she wasn't sure. It was only Dr. Beckett and Jennifer. "Hey," Jennifer said as she checked Rori's monitor and IV. "How long have you been awake?"
"A couple minutes," Rori replied.
"Are you in any pain, las?" Beckett asked, his eyes sad and his Scottish accent smooth and comforting.
"Not physical pain," she said. She dropped her gaze to stare at the light blue blanket that covered her. She couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes.
"Are you up to having a visitor or four?" Jennifer asked. Rori's heart lifted just a little and her loneliness drifted off a bit. "Their waiting very impatiently."
"That would be very nice, thank you," Rori said. She wiped the tears off her face as Beckett went to the door. He came back a moment later with Steve, John, Danny, and Hank in tow. They all rushed to the side of Rori's bed, surrounding her and each laid a comforting hand on her arms.
"We gotta stop doing this," John said. He was half joking, but there was a serious look in his eyes.
"Agreed," Rori said.
"When can we take her home?" Steve was stoic as he directed his question to the doctors, who had moved to the end of the bed.
"I want to keep an eye on her a little longer," Jennifer said.
"That's a good idea, considering," Hank said. He had a sadness in his eyes. Maybe he was just sad about the baby, but Rori felt like there was more to it than that.
"Considering what?" Rori asked.
"There's something we need to talk about, Rori," Jennifer said. She laid a hand on Rori's foot. The news wasn't good. Hank, Jennifer, and Beckett all wore that same bad-news-doctor-face.
"What is it?" Rori asked, she looked from Hank, to Beckett, to Jennifer.
"The tumor had grown even more, it was a very rapid growth," Jennifer said. "It broke through the wall of your uterus. You were bleeding internally."
"What does that mean?" Rori questioned. Hank squeezed her hand gently and Steve darted for the door but John held his hand firmly, keeping him in the small room.
"Your uterus suffered significant damage," Jennifer said. "You won't be able to get pregnant again."
Rori closed her eyes to steady herself against the news. It didn't seem so bad. It was an end. She would never lose another baby again. It was relief for a moment, but then it sank in. She, they, could never have another baby. Hank, Steve, and John wanted to be fathers so much and she wanted to give that to them. Danny had Grace and Charlie, but the rest of them had missed it. She'd lost the only kids she'd ever have. She wasn't sure she wanted kids anymore, but the thought that choice was no longer hers was both a relief and heartbreaking.
"Rori?" John asked. She looked up to meet his eyes. They were wet with tears and his jaw was set. He was heartbroken but trying to be strong. She looked to the others, then, and saw the same thing. Steve had been a lot less successful at holding the tears back, his face was wet and his eyes red. Danny was somewhere between John and Steve, the tears were definitely spilling over, but his eyes weren't as red as Steve's. Hank was hiding behind his doctorly detachment. Rori could tell by the way he was holding her hand like she was a patient and not his wife.
"You okay, babe?" Danny asked.
"I don't know," she said. "Are you guys okay? Are you angry?"
"Angry that this happened? Yes," Danny said.
"But we could never be angry at you for this," Hank added. He rested his other hand on Danny's shoulder.
"I thought you guys wanted kids?" Rori was confused. She knew how John and Steve felt about the whole kid thing. They hadn't discussed it in the terms of their family, but she'd known for a long time that they'd wanted kids. And Hank would be an amazing father, they all would.
"Not more than we want you, Rori," Steve said. "Besides, we have Charlie and Gracie." He looked up, across the bed, and locked eyes with Danny through the tears that were still spilling over the edge of his eyelid.
"The important thing is that we still have you," Hank said. He squeezed her hand tighter, this time more like a husband and less like a doctor.
"We'll give you guys some privacy," Jennifer said as she and Beckett headed to the door. The room grew quiet in their absence, which let Rori's mind process everything that had happened. Then she thought about the case. They'd been working a case.
"Mandy?" she asked.
"We handed the case over to Agent Simmons so that we can be together, orders of the Governor," Steve said. He was starting to regain his composure again. "She also asked the Chief to handle any new cases that came in for a couple days."
Rori just nodded. She couldn't think about work at that very moment and she was glad the Governor understood that. Rori felt so drowsy and weak. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
"You're tired," John said.
"I am," Rori replied.
"We'll stay with you," he said. "Get some rest."