Carrying off an injured Freddie Joe, Sideburns and the hillfolks quickly made their way to the Heartbreak Hotel. It was run by the Alrond, the President of the Middle South's Elvis fan club (he was supposed to be named Arnold, but his momma was dyslexic). He was hosting an Elvis impersonator convention, and the place was booked as the Elvis-folk came from all over the Middle South.
But Elvis himself hadn't been seen in years. People say he died right after sitting on the throne, but there were some who said that they had seen him alive. The Elvis-folk still held out hope that someday The King would return. Many of them went west to the Undying Land, also known as Vegas, where the memory of Elvis was kept alive. Sadly, those who remained in the Middle-South dwindled in number.
Freddie Joe woke up in his room, surrounded by his friends.
"Is I in heaven?" said Freddie Joe.
"No, you ain't," said Randolph sternly. "You got a meetin' to go to. But first I wanna introduce you to someone."
Randolph dragged the half-conscious Freddie Joe out of bed. They wandered through the halls, which were filled with Elvis-folk practicing for the singing contest that would be held later that night. Eventually, he came to the little room where his uncle Billy Bo had lived for many years.
"Why, if it ain't my uncle Billy Bo! You haven't changed a dang bit!" said Freddie Joe, wide-eyed with surprise.
"Freddie Joe! Last time I saw you, young feller, you was just knee-high to a grasshopper," said Billy Bo. "By the way, what're you doin' with my rig?"
"We's gonna drive it to Moore Door and destroy it, right, Randolph?" said Freddie Joe.
"Are y'all crazy?" gasped Billy Bo. "That was the best darn rig I ever drove!"
"It must be done, Billy Bo. It's evil!" said Randolph.
Later on, they went to the conference room, which doubled as the hotel's laundry room. The Elvis-folk competed in a signing contest to see who the best Elvis impersonator was. It was attended by all the Elvis-folk, Randolph, Sideburns, and the hillfolks. Alrond hosted the event in the ceremonial garments (white bell bottoms and a pompadour wig).
Sideburns was the last to compete, wowing the crowd with his rendition of "Love Me Tender", which he dedicated to Alrond's daughter.
"Hey, that was pretty good, Sideburns! You really know how to sing those old Elvis songs," Freddie Joe remarked.
"Thancyúvérímuch", replied Sideburns in the Elvis-tongue.
After the winner of the contest was declared (Sideburns, of course!), things turned to more serious matters.
"That was a great contest and all, but we was wonderin' what should we do with the rig?" Randolph asked.
"What does Sourman think?" said Alrond.
"Well…I have some bad news about Sourman," Randolph replied. "He's turned evil!"
"Who's Sourman, Randolph?" interrupted Bubba.
"He used to be my dispatcher," sighed Randolph. "We call him Sourman 'cause of his sour disposition and 'cause his face looks like he's suckin' on a lemon. Many years ago, me and Sourman and my ol' friend Ragged-Ass and two other guys started our own truckin' bidniz called Five Wizards Trucking. I don't know what happened to the other guys…Anyhoo, Sourman sent me a message on my CB sayin' he wanted to see me right quick. So I went to his office in a shiny new office tower!"
"Randolph! Long time, no see!" said Sourman, sitting in his cheap polyester suit.
"These are some swanky digs you got here," said Randolph.
"That's because I'm corporate now!" said Sourman.
"Where did you get all this money from, Sourman?" said Randolph.
"I got it…from Moore Door!" exclaimed Sourman.
"Moore Door!" said Randolph, "But they's evil!"
"Randolph, Randolph, give it up already. A new age is dawning. The eighties! Deregulation is gonna mean big profits! With that Rig, we can take over the whole damn trucking industry for ourselves. You can be my new VP!" said Sourman.
"Hell no! I'm outta here," said Randolph.
"Not so fast! If you can't listen to reason, then I can't let you leave," said Sourman.
Randolph recounted his imprisonment on the roof of Sourman's office tower and his rescue by helicopter, which took him to the Heartbreak Hotel just in time for the convention.
"Now, Billy Bo, tell us about how you found the rig. And keep it short, if you please," said Alrond, bracing himself for hours of agony.
"How did I find the rig? Now that's a long story…." said Billy Bo. Billy Bo proceeded to regale his captive audience with the entire story, which was filled with all sorts of unnecessary details, superfluous love stories, and lasted for three times longer than it should have. Many hours later, Alrond held up his hand to signal that enough was enough.
"Thank you, Billy Bo," said Alrond. "That will be all."
"But I wasn't done yet!" protested Billy Bo.
"Shut your yap, ratchetjaw!" said Randolph, which had the desired effect on Billy Bo.
"The Rig must go to Moore Door. But how do you plan to get there?" Alrond asked the council.
"Gettin' there won't be easy. The highway's all under construction. And the detours are all crawlin' with bears," said Randolph. "And then there's the fact that it's impossible to get into the place."
"What's with all this trouble gettin' to Moore Door? Can't we just drive there?" inquired Bubba.
He was answered by Beauregard of Doggone Door. He and his twin brother were the youngest members of the Stewarts, the family who ran the company for as long as anyone could remember. "You can't just drive into Moore Door," answered Beauregard. "You gotta call ahead first, and then they's put you on a waitin' list."
Then everyone started arguing about the best way to get to Moore Door and who should drive the Rig there.
"Alitteless converséshun, alittelmór acshun," Sideburns said impatiently. "Itsnau órnever."
"Yes, the time for deliberation and discussion is over," Alrond said, acknowledging Sideburns's impatience. "Freddie Joe must take the Rig to Moore Door."
"What? But you can't expect me to go alone!" whined Freddie Joe.
A sudden silence fell over the gathering. That is, until, an ominous rumble was heard in the back of the room.
"The towels are done," said Alrond.
Just then, an Elvis impersonator in a wheelchair raised his hand. "I will go to Moore Door."
"Thanks for helpin' out, Legless." said Alrond.
"Why do they all's call you Legless?" asked Bubba.
"Cause I lost my legs in 'Nam," replied Legless, as he showed his prosthetics underneath his jumpsuit. "Got my rig specially outfitted for amputees." Unbeknownst to them, Legless had been a Green Beret during the war.
"Is that a bow?" asked Bubba, noticing the over-sized weapon behind Legless's wheelchair.
"Yeah, but it ain't no sissy bow. This is a military-grade crossbow!" replied Legless.
"Me too," said a dwarf, whose name was Jim Lee. Jim Lee's family toured the Middle South as part of a circus act called the "Midgets of Moria". He was an old friend of Billy Bo, who accompanied them when they went to reclaim the Arkansas-stone.
"Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy!" exclaimed Randolph.
When the convoy departed from the Heartbreak Hotel, Freddie Joe said, "I will take the Rig to Moore Door...though I do not know the way."
"Here's a map. May you keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down," said Alrond solemnly.
With that, the convoy set out from the Heartbreak Hotel and down the interstate. It was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June. Jim Lee and Legless drove a Kenworth pulling logs. Beauregard and Sideburns drove in a cab-over Pete with a reefer on. Murray and Bubba drove a Jimmy hauling hogs. Freddie Joe and Sam drove in the One Rig. And Randolph rode in his own rig, which he called Shadowstacks. As they drove away, Sam said:
"We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the Middle South!"
After leaving the Heartbreak Hotel, the convoy reached the Smokey Mountains. But the convoy was split on which way they should go.
"I think we should go to the Gap of Rodeo," said Beauregard on his CB.
"Negatory, it's not safe! Sourman will see us! We gotta go up and over the mountains!" said Randolph. "What do you think, Freddie Joe?"
"Whatever you wanna do, Randolph…" said Freddie Joe apathetically.
"Well, as the Rig-driver, what Freddie Joe says, goes. Is that clear?" said Randolph.
"Wall to wall and tree-top tall!" muttered Beauregard.
Overruled by the rest of the convoy, Beauregard reluctantly followed them up the mountain road.
The convoy soon encountered a blizzard, which covered the roads in snow and ice.
"We got white-out conditions! I can't see a damn thing," said Jim Lee.
"It's a skatin' rink out here! I'm slippin' all over the place!" said Beauregard.
In the midst of the storm, the convoy heard a foul voice on the air.
"There is a foul voice on the air," said Legless.
"That's just Sourman! He's sandbaggin' us! Ignore him," replied Randolph, switching off his CB.
The convoy proceeded slowly up the mountain, but just as they reached the pass, the snow was so deep they were unable to proceed further. And the hillfolks' rigs were stuck in the snow!
"Ain't there an easier way of gettin' to Moore Door?" said Bubba.
"Yes, but you're not gonna like it. There's an ole coal mine that goes under the mountain, but I heard it's mighty dangerous," said Randolph.
"You mean the one where my cousins live? It ain't that bad at all! Let's go that way!" said Jim Lee.
When the convoy reached the entrance to the coal mine, they found it blocked off with a large door. Some nearly-indecipherable writing was scrawled on the top of the door. Randolph, the most literate member of the convoy, read off the words. "It just says, 'Speak, friend, and enter. For a good time, call Luanne at 555-5555.' said Randolph,
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" said Bubba, scratching his head.
"It means that if you say the magic word, the doors'll open," said Randolph. He then spouted off every password he could think of. "Uhhh…abc123!...Password!...ummm….Open sesame!"
After many hours of guessing by Randolph (and many unhelpful suggestions by the rest of the convoy), Bubba asked, "How does you say 'friend' in Trûker?"
Randolph slapped his forehead with sudden realization. "Randolph, ya idgit, why didn't I think of that before? It's as plain as the nose on your face! 10-4, good buddy!"
The doors shook, then swung wide open, revealing a tunnel big enough to drive a truck through. Literally. The convoy then promptly drove their rigs into the tunnel, with the exception of Sideburns.
"Waiz-mensei ónli fúlz rushin!" cautioned Sideburns.
"There ain't nothin' to worry about, Sideburns," said Jim Lee. "My kinfolks will give us a warm welcome."
The convoy drove as fast as they could through the tunnel. After driving for miles, the convoy saw several flashing blue lights up ahead. And the convoy immediately knew what that meant.
"Cave bears!" cried Jim Lee.
Sure enough, the place was thick with Smokeys. Every Smokey bear, county Mountie, and local yokel from all over the state was in that there cave.
"I guess that's why they calls them the Smokey Mountains! It all makes sense now," mused Randolph.
"Wírcottina trap… Aicant wácaut!" said Sideburns anxiously.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" said the sheriff, stepping out of his patrol car and walking up to Freddie Joe. "We've got a warrant out for your arrest. It says here your rig was reported stolen."
"Stolen? I don't know what you mean, officer," said Freddie Joe nervously.
"I am the law. Don't you understand? I represent the law," said the sheriff.
"Piss on your law!" said Randolph, mashing the hammer and busting through the roadblock, plowing through the police cars parked in the tunnel. The rest of the convoy followed suit, much to the chagrin of the police.
"What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law!" said the sheriff, jumping into his patrol car. "Let's go get 'em, boys!"
The convoy drove as fast as they could through the narrow tunnel, and the bears were in hot pursuit behind them. But the passage was narrow, and their rigs were damaged as they hit the rough sides of the mineshaft. Eventually, they saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
At the end of the tunnel was a deep ravine, crossed by a long 2-lane bridge. As the convoy began to cross the bridge, the police unexpectedly stopped their pursuit.
"Hey, why did those bears givin' up chasin' us? They gettin' tired?" said Jim Lee.
Suddenly, a menacing-looking green ABF rig appeared in their rear-view mirrors. It was a Bullfrog! It chased right after them.
"Hey, Randolph, look over your shoulder! You gotta Bullfrog on your back door!" said Beauregard.
"Yúweint nuthin butta Bullfrog!" said Sideburns.
"You guys go ahead, I'll hold this guy off!" said Randolph, who dropped back to the rear of the convoy.
The Bullfrog crossed over the double yellow line in the middle of the bridge, driving side-by-side with Randolph.
"He's on your side door now, Randolph!" said Murray.
"Hey, Bullfrog! You think you can take me? I'm CDL certified! You cannot pass!" said Randolph on his CB.
Now, the Bullfrog began to get ahead of Randolph and attempted to pass him in the other lane. But the ole wizard wouldn't let him pass.
"YOU… SHALL… NOT… PASS!" yelled Randolph as he swerved his truck into the Bullfrog.
The two rigs collided, and the Bullfrog went crashing violently off the bridge and fell hundreds of feet into the water below. The rest of the convoy stopped their rigs to look at the terrible spectacle.
As Randolph's rig teetered on the brink, he said, "Put the hammer down, you fools!" He and his rig then slipped off the edge, following the Bullfrog into the abyss.
The convoy paused for a moment, pondering the fate of their fallen comrade. But they could not stay. Traveling through the mines had damaged their rigs too greatly to travel much further, and they needed immediate repair.
They soon arrived in the land of the Elvis folk, Lori-Anne's Gas and Truck Repair. The Elvis-folk were as skilled in truck repair as they were reverent of Elvis. The owner of the shop, Gabrielle, considered herself Elvis's biggest fan.
"Why were y'all down in the coal mine?" asked Gabrielle. "Your rigs look like hell!"
"We all's were on a delivery to Moore Door," Freddie Joe replied. "But we lost Randolph to a Bullfrog. His rig took a drink and commenced to sink and there wasn't no Randolph no more."
"That's a damn shame, right there. Randolph was one of our best," said Gabrielle.
"Amál shukup, uh-huh-huh," said Sideburns sadly.
While the convoy ate a supper of peanut butter and banana sandwiches (a traditional repast of the Elvis-folk), Gabrielle beckoned to Freddie Joe and Sam. She led them to a room where they saw a small rectangular wooden box, with a glass screen and two small dials on one side. Turning a dial, an image appeared on the screen.
As Freddie Joe and Sam looked into Gabrielle's magic box, they saw a black-and-white image of their beloved trailer park far away. But suddenly the image took a dark turn.
"Look Freddie Joe! There's the manager of our trailer park! And he's sellin' the Shire to Sourman! What does he want it fer?" said Sam. "Oh no! Now the dang bastards are throwin' out the pink flamingoes in my garden! Ain't that terrible?"
This image was replaced by a picture of someone who looked a lot like Randolph buying a truck at a Peterbilt dealership. When this image faded, it was replaced by the terrible Red Eye of Sorass, which soon filled the entire screen.
Gabrielle quickly turned the machine off. Freddie Joe offered her the keys. "I can't do this no more. I want you to take the Rig."
"But if I take the Rig…I will sell it and use the money to create a theme park devoted to Elvis himself. And all will love him and despair!" Gabrielle said.
Just when it seemed Gabrielle would take the Rig, she gave the keys back to Freddie Joe and said, "I done passed the test… I will go into the west, and remain Gabrielle."
When the convoy's rigs were repaired good as new, they got back on the road. Before they left Lori-Anne's, the truckers fuelled up their rigs with the finest go-go juice around. It wasn't just any old diesel fuel: a single gallon would last for hundreds of miles.
Soon after leaving Lori-Anne's, Beauregard confronted Freddie Joe about the Rig.
"The Rig belongs to Doggone Door, Freddie Joe. Give it to me!" said Beauregard.
"But Randolph said I should have it!" replied Freddie Joe, nervously.
"If we don't use the Rig against Moore Door, Sorass will destroy us all!" said Beauregard.
Beauregard tried to wrassle the keys from Freddie Joe, but Freddie Joe escaped, driving off in the Rig before Beauregard could catch him.
"You little hillbilly! Get back here!" Beauregard shouted.
Just then, the cops from the mine showed up, which unwittingly saved Freddie Joe from the wrath of Beauregard. Hoping to get the rest of the convoy to defend him, Beauregard sounded the novelty horn on his rig, which played the first few notes of Dixie.
"Don't arrest them! They haven't done nothin' wrong!" said Beauregard, placing himself between the bears and the hillfolks.
"You oughta be shot right where you're standing!" said the sheriff.
His courage was rewarded with being shot several times.
"I'm doing my job. Keeping my part of the highway safe," remarked the sheriff nonchalantly. "Now take these two to jail."
The bears arrested Bubba and Murray and took them to the county jail.
A few minutes later, Sideburns, Jim Lee, and Legless arrived at the scene.
"Doggone it! They took the hillfolks!" said Jim Lee. "And where's Beauregard?"
The presence of a red streak on the ground leading to the river told them of his fate.
During all this commotion, Freddie Joe made his escape from the convoy, planning to go to Moore Door alone. But his ever-loyal friend Sam was following him.
"Sam, go away. A man's gotta take care of things hisself," said Freddie Joe, starting his rig.
"You ain't goin' anywhere without your Sam!" Sam said, grabbing onto the tailgate of Freddie Joe's rig.
Unable to shake the hapless gardener off, Freddie Joe slowed down and opened the passenger door for him.
"All right, all right! Come on in. But no singin'!"
"Ten-four, good buddy!" said Sam.