Splatoon: The Drafted Squid

Of Tired Circumstances and Frightening Queries

"Years of training. Tip-top of the line technology fresh out of the development labs." She giggled erratically.

Rigidly still Jeremiah stood atop his mobilized platform. Though his posture was straight as a sentient tentacle could be his yellow eyes betrayed his dignified stance. They shivered in fear. His squad-mates hardly fared any better.

Who could blame them? The black steel cage of an office Query dwelt within was not the friendliest. The dome of dark metal arranged in a small spherical room made Jeremiah feel extremely claustrophobic. Strange elastic pillars periodically stretched and contracted in large slots as a few desperate rays of light managed to peek through a circular opening in the ceiling. Yet despite the enclosed walls and the depressing interior in the middle of the enormous room there stood a dainty "u"-shaped table littered with maps and charts labelled in ink. Query, her standard Octoling Goggles strapped to her face, paced around the table.

"Oh, and uh, how many of you did you say there were?" She removed her goggles and flashed small eyelashes at them innocently.

Jeremiah gulped and swiveled on his platform slowly to the others. Two of them rubbed considerably large bruises on their back. The other two's faces appeared slightly shriveled. A few drops of dried blue continued to persist aside their lips and eyes. They sniffled and Jeremiah sagged guiltily down by his mildly dented platform.

"Let's see...one, two…" Query pointed at each one of them. "Five! Now, um, would any of you care to tell how many Inklings you were charged with splatting?"

The Octotroopers shuffled uncomfortably in place.

"Oh come now! Tell me!" Query grinned and took a step forward. "I don't bite. You!"

Jeremiah flinched and glanced towards her. The Octotrooper's tentacles curled up in terror as she approached.

"What's your name?" Query cooed at Jeremiah. "Sorry! Can't ever seem to keep track of all of you…"

"T3-rry…?" He gulped back at her.

"Your REAL name." She cooed again with a much more intrusive hum in her throat.

"J-Jeremiah, ma'am." He answered with a quivering voice.

"I asked how many Inklings were you and your squadron assigned to, Jeremiah?" She implored as her face homed in uncomfortably closer. "Why did none of you answer my question, Jeremiah?"

He shivered and cautiously his gaze slowly gravitated back on his squad-mates. "...We...there was one-"

"Oh! Right! One Inkling…" Query's grin began to waver. "And five of you. See something wrong with that? The fact that ONE managed to triumph over all FIVE OF YOU?!"

"...Quality versus quantity-" One muttered from the back.

All of a sudden Query leaped back to her desk. She reached for one random map, tore it off the face of the table, crumpled it into a ball and hurled it in the direction of the voice.

"Ow!" An Octotrooper complained in the background.

Query slammed her hands up to her forehead and screamed. "You are all so FEEBLE!" Then, for a brief second, Query turned and tapped her chin. "Either that or they have some sort of Inkling genius on the battlefield…" She promptly turned back about and screamed again. "But if that's the case then you should. Have. RETREATED!"

The Octotroopers' fear suddenly inspired a chorus of blubbering excuses. All their complaints, blame, and regrets mixed into a cacophony did not appear to help Query's temper. As her tentacles began to rise in irritation their voices died down.

"One at a time." Query muttered down at them. "One at a time."

The leader of the squadron stepped forward. "We-"

"Not you." Query snapped and turned back to Jeremiah. "You."

Jeremiah swallowed and cleared his throat. "...We ran into more Inklings than expected."

"More?!" Query arched her eyebrow. "That's impossible! Western Front was absolutely, completely, definitely destroyed!"

"...Except for the one Inkling we were chasing." Another Octotrooper's voice murmured. They could hear the sound of paper crumpling again before that Octotrooper was struck with a ball of blueprints. "Ouch!"

Query bit her lip and crossed her arms all while she tapped the floor. "Unless…" Her goggles lit up. "Unless!" She whirled back around. "What did you say the reinforcements looked like?!"

"We didn't say-" Jeremiah began, noticed the glint in her goggles, and cleared his throat nervously. "Um, well, I saw one with a tie-"

"A tie!" Query exclaimed suddenly and gripped Jeremiah by his sides. "A tie!" She reiterated and began to spin around with Jeremiah raised above her head.

She laughed maniacally as she spun around on the tips of her heels. The other Octotroopers watched in a perplexed silence as Jeremiah was whirled about. They could not help but feel pity as his eyes lolled about dizzily.

Eventually Query finally stopped shaking him and let him fall flat on his face with another carefree chuckle. "Jeremiah, Jeremiah! You and your squadron have made a breakthrough! A revelation!"

"We did?" Jeremiah mumbled with his face flat on the floor.

She lifted him up and stacked him back upright. "Yes, you did! You found him! The one I wanted to ERADICATE!" Query giddily stepped about the room. "My dear Jeremiah, my dear, dear, Jeremiah. Had I the authority you would become the new second head of the Octarian army for your levelheadedness."

Jeremiah swallowed as he noticed the glares his fellow Octotroopers shot at him from behind.

"But for now a simple request should do." Query hummed and leaned in. She paused over Jeremiah's tentacle head and glared back at the other octopuses. "You're dismissed. Leave."

The head of the squadron flinched. "But ma'am-"

"LEAVE." Query snapped her fingers.

A panel opened up with frightening speed. To the side of the squadron to be exact. They stared at the sudden opening in the walls in surprise as it laid close to them.

"...It never opens up all the way." Query's lip quivered. "It was supposed to...you were supposed to…"

The head of the Octotroopers gulped and pushed his platform towards the opening. "We'll let ourselves out."

Query sighed in defeat and hung her head low. "...I wanted it to be all funny...have it so you would've fallen out the...ugh."

The Octotrooper squadron crowded among the opening in the room. Simultaneously they fit through the rift, metal vehicles and all, and departed from the room.

"Jokes on them though, I didn't stop the machine yet." Query perked up.

The sound of tumbling resounded back through the room with the added groans and surprised yelps as well as the stress of machinery as it pounded against the ground. Through the crack in the wall Jeremiah bore witness to his squadron sprawled out in the dirt and grass outside in a disorientated accumulation of tentacles and injuries. Behind him, Query reached into her shorts pockets, retrieved a small black remote with several colored buttons, and clicked a prominent red button at the head of the remote. She clicked the button, and immediately, the sounds of machinery halted. Steam could be heard.

The door shut behind Jeremiah. Query turned around, smiled sweetly, and waltzed up towards him. "What can I do for you, dear Jeremiah?"

Jeremiah swallowed and stood as tall as he could. "...My friend." He stated firmly. "She's out there still. Mai…"

"Mai!" Query exclaimed and took one firm step backwards.

"Er, I meant M-41!" He apologized and bowed. "Is there a problem with that?" Jeremiah flinched.

Query perked up and straightened out her uniform. "No, no. Don't you worry your dearest little tentacle. We will find her in due time." She gripped him by his sides and forcefully turned him about. "In the meantime you and your little search team can go about and explore. Make sure to splat any Inklings who might be still alive!" She laughed with a suspiciously fake glee. "Otherwise our western attack can, and by extension, my plans, RUINED!" Query turned him back around and gazed into his eyes sharply. "Got it?"

Jeremiah nodded profusely. "Yes ma'am, of course ma'am!"

"Oh good!" Query spun him back around as the walls reopened. "Have fun now! Don't die out there Jeremiah!"

With that she kicked Jeremiah and his platform out the side. He collided headfirst with the dirt and grass below. Though his vision blurred and his head stung, through the fragmented vision, he could make-out an Octoling closing her fingers in a small wave to him. Then the walls shut.

Mechanical gears stirred up his senses. While he struggled to balance his platform and himself upright he could not help but gaze upon the mechanical monstrosity he had been not long before. A spider-like mech danced away on gigantic tentacles. They pushed against the soft grass away in the distance. Jeremiah blinked and gazed back at the machine as it stomped close to a camp in the distance, red and violet specs barely visible in the distance.

"Jer! Jer!"

Jeremiah spun about and faced the voice. His squad-mates glided upon the hills towards him. He gulped sheepishly and stood still.

"Holy ship you're alive!" One of the Octotroopers called out as it rubbed his bruise.

Jeremiah sighed in affirmation. "Yeah…"

"Pay up! Told you he'd survive!" Another piped up eagerly.

"...You bet on me." Jeremiah sulked and felt his spirits drop.

"Knock it off, guys." The head Octotrooper scolded and smacked the others with his head tentacle. He glanced over towards Jeremiah. "T3-rry, how did it go?"

"...She just asked me questions. I answered." Jeremiah hesitated and gazed back at the Octoweapon as it swirled off into the distance.

"..." The Octotroopers looked him over uneasily.

"What?" Jeremiah frowned back at them.

"...I guess he isn't brainwashed." Someone piped up.

"What?!" Jeremiah repeated in surprise.

"We need to focus, guys." The head Octotrooper sighed and moved his platform in front of the lot of them. "We let an Inkling get away. Granted, she died, but we could've been next." The tentacle on his head pointed down at his stained face. "Just look at this! We have to get back out there and stop those Inklings. We can't take this sitting down! Who's with me?!"

Silence came from the Octotroopers. "...I was literally launched through the sky," Another Octotrooper complained, as it rubbed its sore back.

"...So we need more troops first." The head Octotrooper turned and started to follow Query. "Probably a lot. Who's with me?"

An uproar of enthusiastic chants followed this time. The troop marched together and followed the ginormous Octoweapon as it strode across the fields as an intimidation to Inklings and as a beacon of hope for the Octarians. As they made their way across the fields, Jeremiah could not help but glance back once over the uncharted empty masses of green hills, then turn and continue to march although exceptionally reluctant.

AN: There's a lot of potential in Splatoon now that I think about it. Not just in the city and in Inkling personal life that a lot of people delve into. Imagine the spectacles of Fire Emblem-type campaigns or Legend of Zelda adventures Splatoon could have based on lore alone.

Granted, I don't think I'd be able to tap into all of that in this story, but oh well.

Thanks for reading, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, off to watch a nature documentary about cephalopods.