Chapter 14: Dawn in Moscow

They arrived at the vet's place at half past nine. The sky was ink black and the cold hanging in the early spring air noisy once Otabek cut the growling engine of the R8. Yuri still cried, but it was silent now, not the heartbreaking sobbing from earlier. The ocelot hadn't made a sound in minutes but when Otabek checked the seemingly lifeless body of the exotic cat he noticed the motion of weak breathing, so he hurried to get out of the car and head over to open the door for Yuri and his pet. The blonde got out of the car on shaky legs, not even looking up to Otabek but making his way up the few stone steps to the house they had came to a halt in front of.

A middle aged man stood by the door in blue jeans and a white sweater despite the cold.

"Let's get him inside", he said without a greeting and led the way for Yuri and Otabek to follow him into the house.

Otabek didn't have much time to pay attention to his surroundings. That and he had never been in a veterinarian's clinic, so he didn't know if there was anything special about the rooms they rushed through until the vet gestured Yuri to put down the ocelot onto a metal table that had been covered with what looked like a paper sheet. A young woman who had been waiting in the room already smiled at them as if she wanted to apology and handed Yuri a clipboard.

"You know the procedure", she said in a very calm voice that showed that she was very much used to upset pet owners. "You can fill it out in the waiting room. I plugged in the vending machine if you want coffee or tea."

Yuri grabbed the clipboard like his life depended on it. "You'll help him", he asked in a hushed voice, his eyes wide and reddened.

"Of course", the woman said and moved her head towards the door.

Otabek took the hint and placed his hand on Yuri's shoulder softly. "Let's let them work", he murmured and green eyes shot up to his, but Yuri obeyed and with a last look over to the ocelot let Otabek guide him outside.

The waiting room had a handful white chairs in front of a white wall. Big potted plants decorated the corners that weren't occupied by said vending machine. It reminded Otabek of the room he had woken up in so long ago, only the strange plant on the white metal pedestal catching his eye with it's colors. Now that he thought about it he realized that he had never found out who had brought the weird flower, nor did he know what had happened to it after they had released him from the hospital. Not that he was very much of a flower lover but still he felt something like pity for the plant that had stood by his side for the time of his rehabilitation and before that. He had not payed enough attention to details like that, a thought that stung a little in his chest.

Yuri had flopped onto one of the seats, staring at the form clipped to the board with dull eyes.

"Do you want coffee?", Otabek asked lowly, heading over to the vending machine. When Yuri looked up at him he could see more tears forming, before dripping from the dark golden lashes silently as soon as Yuri nodded. Otabek struggled to look away and focus on the vending machine instead, trying not to think about how Yuri could be so devastated and still so incredibly beautiful. He pressed the button for black coffee and the machinery came to life, spitting out a paper cup and the steaming black liquid after some moments. He took it out and pressed the same button once again. The coffee smelled way better than what they had served in the restaurant this morning and when after seconds the second cup was ready he walked over to hand Yuri one of them inhaling the bitter scent of the second one.

Yuri took the cup without a word and violently trembling hands, the yet untouched clipboard resting on his slender tights.

"What's that about", Otabek asked after sitting down next to Yuri.

"A questionnaire about the pet", Yuri answered, his voice hoarse. He blew the steam away from the coffee and tried taking a sip, but it was too hot so he stared down at the dark liquid waiting for it to cool down.

"Shall I answer it for you?" Yuri's hand shook like crazy, it would likely be hard to fill in the many small boxes and blank spaces in Yuri's condition. "You'd need to tell me the answers though."

The green eyes wandered over to him silently screaming helplessness.

"Here we go", Otabek murmured and placed his coffee on the seat next to him carefully before fetching the clipboard from Yuri's knees.

"What is the presenting complaint? When did it begin, slash, how long has it been going on? Does pet seem to be experiencing any pain or discomfort? If so, on a scale of 1-10 how much?", Otabek read out loud. "Well, that's kind of obvious I'd say, I guess we don't need to fill that in. Okay, this: Does anything trigger the problem?" He looked over to Yuri who bit on his lower lip. "Boris said he ate cocaine", Otabek suggested as Yuri kept silent. It caused the blonde to inhale shakily and nod, so Otabek wrote it down in small easy-to-read letters. "Do you know how much it was?" He wanted to make the statement as detailed as possible, but Yuri shook his head, lowering it in the process. "I didn't pay attention. I didn't-" A sob interrupted him.

"It'll be fine." Judging by how weak the animal had looked Otabek wasn't sure if he'd be proven right in the end, but it was probably what Yuri needed to hear. "Let's just finish the form so the vets can do their job properly, okay? He's in good, capable hands now, he'll be alright in no time." When Yuri slowly nodded he continued: "Does pet have any known allergies? Is your pet currently on any medications? Is your pet kept indoors, outdoors, or both?" Yuri kept shaking his head frequently, answering the last question with a murmured "indoors".

When Otabek read out the next question, he frowned: "Does your pet have any access to trash, chemicals, or any other hazardous materials?" He began writing the same answer as before, muttering "Well, we answered that already, right?", but looked up when he heard the sound of a full paper cup on the light gray floor. The beverage had fallen and Yuri looked down at it in shock, then inhaled audibly and started sobbing again.

"It's my fault", he cried, hiding his overflowing eyes behind his hands. "If only I had put it away like usually. But I was so irresponsible again and now he will die and it's all my fault!" Bending forward with shaking shoulders his braid fell over his shoulder. Otabek noticed that it was so long it almost reached the floor in front of Yuris feet that was covered in coffee. He put the clipboard aside, then reached for the braid so that it wouldn't hang into the coffee and draped it back over Yuri's spine. The blonde didn't even seem to notice, crying loudly and it made Otabek's heart ache.

"Yuri", he said gently, about to place his hand on the shoulder that was shaken by violent sobs again but flinched when Yuri in the blink of an eye was on his feet.

"Don't call me that! I'm Katyusha! And I don't know you!", he yelled and made a step away from Otabek. His eyes had changed from dull and broken to piercing cold in an instant and he glared at Otabek, tears shimmering on his pale cheeks. "Don't touch me! I need to... " He shook his head, then yanked his phone out of his pocket and with hurried steps made his way over to the entrance door. "I'll call Daddy."

Otabek watched him leave outside wordlessly. To say that he was surprised was a horrible understatement. He stared at the door as it slowly fell shut behind the blonde, then at the abandoned paper cup in a puddle of thin coffee. He picked up his own and took a sip, but didn't taste anything.

Abandoned.

Tossed aside.

Fallen and forgotten, like a cheap, tasteless coffee from a vending machine, that's how he felt. Not even worth picking up from the floor. "I don't know you", what did that even mean? "Don't touch me", like he was a total stranger, someone who didn't belong, who wasn't welcome. Could it be? Had Yuri really forgotten him? Was he just another foreign face in a sea of faces that was the Orlov bratva? A random stranger who happened to be here because he knew how to drive Yuri's expensive car. A nobody in a suit and with a tattoo somewhere on his skin. Had Yuri really not recognized him? After all those years it wasn't so unlikely, was it? They had changed, both of them. Time had changed them and that Otabek would recognize Yuri in a million didn't mean that it would inevitably work the other way around as well. Maybe the years had really made Yuri forget his past life. Maybe his plan to leave everything and everyone behind had worked out thoroughly. Maybe this really wasn't the Yuri he longed for, despite his unforgettable eyes. He was without a doubt unforgettable, but maybe - or likely - Otabek hadn't been quite that unforgettable in the end.

With a sigh Otabek picked up Yuri's cup from the floor. He didn't have tissues with him so he couldn't clean up the mess the coffee had made on the light linoleum covered floor. He got up and let the two containers fall in the small trash bin, then headed over to the door, opening it slowly and peeking outside.

Yuri sat on one of the stone stairs, his shoulders hunched and his phone in his hand.

"I don't- don't know if he will m- make it", Otabek heard him say, hiccups interrupting his words. "They sent me out of the room and- and now I don't know- if they can help him." He snuffled. "Please Daddy, I need you. P-please don't leave me alone now, I need you here with me."

It was the most painful thing Otabek had ever heard. Clenching his jaws he walked over to Yuri, shrugging off his jacket on the way. Yuri winced when Otabek draped the jacket over the shaking shoulders, looking up with reddened eyes, but turning away right afterwards again. "Please Daddy", he whined into the phone. Otabek's insides convulsed and he turned away, heading inside again. He didn't need to hear more.

He sat in silence, he didn't even know how long. There were low voices in the other room, stifled by the door. Seconds ticked by on the clock above the reception desk endlessly.

He wasn't even hurt. He wasn't concerned about Yuri or the cat. He wasn't tired or exhausted or bored or impatient. He just felt nothing. But that wasn't true, because there was this pulsing black thing in his chest, like jelly, but bitter and dark. He could keep it inside and pretend it wasn't there, but it peeked out from between his heart and ribs and lung just like it was waiting for the perfect moment to break free. He kept it inside. He didn't know what it was, but he kept it inside because he really didn't want to see what it was.

After a second or an hour Otabek heard the sound of a car stopping outside, then a car door being shut and a few moments later the door to the clinic opened again. When he looked up he caught sight of Yuri, still crying, Orlov's arm around his shoulder.

"Here, sit down, baby", the man said in a calm voice and Yuri did it, but only after Orlov had taken the jacket from his shoulders. He held it out to Otabek who had gotten up and took it with a nod.

"Thank you for taking care of him", Orlov said. His voice sounded gentle and honest and Otabek wanted to feel disgust when he looked at him, but he couldn't. "I'll take over from here, you can call it a day." He smiled a small, friendly smile when Otabek only nodded and got into his jacket again. "It's relieving to know that there's still some honorable people around to take care of things the old way and not let a kitten freeze to death outside. You have my thanks."

"Anytime", Otabek said, the bitterness in his voice going unnoticed. Orlov nodded and turned to sit beside Yuri again who leaned into an embrace that looked so gentle, so loving that Otabek wanted to scream. He didn't though, but turned and left the clinic, left the house, left Katyusha and Orlov in the warmth of the brightly lit waiting room, stepping outside into the dark, cold night.

а

(He lies on his bed in his apartment in Almaty and there's a scent of almond and honey washing over him like the warm waves of the summer sea as Yuri rubs his head against his shoulder. It's a perfect moment and he wants it to never end, but he also knows that it's only perfect because it can not last. So he inhales this wonderful scent that's coming from spun gold and resists the urge to press his lips into the shining mess for a kiss that speaks of love more than words ever could. He's so happy, but it also breaks his heart to know that Yuri is about to wake up and chuckle dozily and then will distance himself from Otabek although it's really not necessary. He knows because Yuri has followed this same procedure for four days now and the more often it happens the more it makes Otabek's heart ache in his chest.

Yuri shifts in the warm sheets and his eyes drift open, dark golden lashes and tourmaline and as he spots Otabek he chuckles and distances himself a little from him.

"Morning", he breathes smiling and Otabek smiles back, because he is so happy and at the same time it hurts.

"Good Morning.")

Now and here the happiness was nothing but a distant memory, fading away in the twilight of the cold hotel room. He had returned the car and taken a taxi to the hotel, then headed over to the gym working out like a maniac to make the pressure on his chest go away, but it had not worked. When his knees had become wobbly after almost two hours he had returned to his room, showered and sat down on the edge of the mattress in nothing but track pants, his hair dripping cold water on the naked skin of his shoulders and arms.

The diamond and the eagle had assimilated into his skin by now, looking up at him from his right lower arm. He traced the blueish-black lines with the fingers of his left hand. The swelling had almost disappeared so that in a matter of days it would look like he had always had the crest on his skin. Brotherhood, the writing said, but the word meant nothing for him. He recalled how Boris had explained that if you wore this on your skin you had found yourself a family. He could not relate to this. Maybe for anyone else it was true, but for him it was the opposite: he had lost everything. Eventually he had even lost his hope. Yuri didn't want him anymore. It was all over.

Breathing deeply he reached out for the gun on the nightstand. The black metal shone hazily in the light of the bedside lamp, feeling cold on his skin. The healing cut on his hand stung a little when he wrapped his fingers around the grip. He looked down on the gun, then stretched his arm out, supporting it with the left like in the gun range. Inhaling deeply he closed his eyes. The weight of the gun was strangely familiar by now and his heartbeat calmed down, his breathing evened and his mind became blank. It was soothing and comforting in the most disturbing way, but after nothing else had worked to help him calm down, this was the only thing that had come to his mind to keep this ugly black thing in his chest at bay.

He sat there for some time, realizing what had become of him. He was nothing now. What he had realized back in St. Petersburg had become the awful truth: He was nothing without Yuri. Just that back then he had still had hope. Right now even that was gone. So what difference did it make now that he had woken up from his coma? He had left his family behind, his parents, Khaligaz and her little family, his fellow skaters who had become friends somewhere on the way. He had turned away from them in order to take any measurement necessary in his search for Yuri. And it had not been futile. He had found him after all. Or at least what was left of him: Orlov's little pet tiger Katyusha.

He could have accepted that as well. He was not stupid and he had expected that things would not be the same as they had been. Maybe his own feelings hadn't changed. However, that everyone else had changed wasn't much of a surprise. He just had not been able to imagine that Yuri of all people was the one who had changed to drastically. It was true that Otabek still could see him through all the glamour and glitter time had buried him under, that his eyes were still the same Otabek had so fatally fallen in love with ten years ago, but Yuri had said it himself: He had become Katyusha. And it was also true that Otabek couldn't change that. He had come too late.

The sound of the Grach's security lock made him startle. He had his arm still stretched out, pointing the gun at the wall in front of him. He watched his left thumb moving away from the small metal piece it had pushed upwards without him even noticing. The cartridge sat in the gun, making it heavy in his hand, like an anchor he needed to keep in his grasp if he wanted to live. If he wanted to live. And if not. If he pulled the trigger now he'd shoot a hole in the wall. If he got up and returned to the Orlov Kompaniya office he could shoot a hole in Orlov's chest. If he bent his arm now, pointing it at his temple, he could shoot a hole in his head. It would be so easy to do it, to end it all right here. Bent the arm, pull the trigger. He wouldn't have to fight. He wouldn't have to struggle to keep this black thing inside his chest. He wouldn't have to endure the pain. He wouldn't have to remember his eyes ever again, those beautiful green eyes. Bent the arm, pull the trigger. Not that complicated, really.

With a huffed laugh he lowered his arm, placing the gun in his lap. "You're insane", he whispered, smiling. He was sure now that he was. Insane enough to bear it even longer, the pain and the struggle and the memories.

He placed the gun on the nightstand again, then laid down on the bed and switched off the light.

It was two in the morning and he wasn't even shocked that he was insane. Insane enough to still be in love after all.

Р

There was a sound. It came from the right. It was dark, pitch-black in his room actually, and the sound didn't belong there. It had never been there before.

Otabek laid motionless, keeping his breath low. He heard a car passing by in the street and an ambulance in the distant. Nothing unusual. But there was also this very small sound, like a mouse scratching the wall or a needle on a metal plate. He listened carefully. It came from the door.

There was a tiny click and then the scratching sound stopped. In its place Otabek heard the very low sound of the door swinging open.

Someone had unlocked the door and gained access.

Carefully, without producing a sound, Otabek shifted to the side to where the nightstand was. He heard low steps on the old carpet inside his room, only two, then the door was being closed very carefully. From where the intruder stood, only a few steps inside the room, they could not see the bed, the wardrobe was in the way. Otabek reached out towards the nightstand. When the door closed with a barely audible ga-tan he grasped the gun, covering the sound of the metal on wood with the sound of the door being closed, then pulled his arm back.

It was surprising to himself how calm he was. He had no idea why someone would break in into his hotel room, or who it could be, but he didn't panic at all. Maybe it was a regular burglar. Maybe it was someone dangerous. That way or the other, now that he had gotten ahold of the gun he had an advantage. He wouldn't shoot right away, but try to overbear the intruder, hoping they didn't have a gun or a knife or at least were too surprised to make use of it. They didn't know he was awake and maybe they didn't even expect him to be in the possession of a gun. He had a good chance to prevail.

Slow steps came over to the bed. Otabek could tell that it was only one person, trying to make as little sounds as possible. The intruder seemed to hesitate at the end of the bed, stopping for a moment, then even slower proceeded alongside the bed. It must be hard to see anything in the darkness of the room, especially if you were not familiar with the position of the furniture.

Otabek had his eyes half closed, making it even harder for him to keep an eye on the silhouette of the person slowly coming closer. The person was not very tall, dressed in all black and therefore luckily contrasting from the dark gray of the nocturnal room. They were still too far away and seemingly having trouble to make out his form on the dark blue sheets, so Otabek held back. He'd have to wait for the person to be closeby to ambush them. If they were too far away they could evade and he'd lose an advantage. He'd have to be patient, it was only a few more steps.

Some more.

Two more.

One more.

With a swift motion Otabek rolled to the side, swinging his legs out of the bed and dodged behind the intruder, then gripped their shoulder with his left hand and spun them around, tackling them onto the mattress in the motion. The intruder made a surprised sound, then Otabek was over them, his left hand on a bony chest, his knees on the person's legs and the barrel of the gun pressed to the throat of the unwelcomed guest. In the dark Otabek saw the intruder pressing their arms onto the mattress in a gesture of surrender and for a moment he thought that it could be a risk to let them have their hands free, but if the person would try anything funny, he'd just blow their brain out and to make the intruder understand this intention he pressed the barrel harder against the soft flesh of the throat.

"Don't, don't!", the person winced and Otabek grit his teeth.

"What do you want?", he hissed.

"Shit, please, don't fucking shoot me!"

The wording more than the voice made the blood in Otabek's ears rush. Could it be?

Pinning down the intruder with the gun he let go of their chest and reached out for the lamp on the nightstand. When the bulb came to life flickering, they both squint their eyes a little, but Otabek's widened right away.

Yuri looked back at him with pale face and Otabek stared at him for a second, the black metal of the gun against the white skin of Yuri's throat.

With a sharp inhale he pulled the gun away from Yuri and got up to stand.

The blonde sat up and rubbed his fingers against the spot where the barrel had pressed into his skin, then looked up to Otabek again with shimmering green eyes.

Otabek had a hard time processing what was happening. He stood petrified in nothing but jerseys, the gun still in his hand and adrenaline rushing through his veins. He could feel his heart beat heavily in his chest and Yuri's eyes on him as the boy stared back at him.

"What are you doing here", he finally managed to say, just to see Yuri frown at him.

"I wanted to ask you the same thing", he replied and crossed his arm before his chest.

Otabek looked at him for a moment more, then realized that he still held the gun and decided to put it away. With a versed flick of a finger he secured the Grach and made a step over to the nightstand to place it on the wooden surface where it had been before.

"Couldn't you have asked me earlier today?", Otabek inquired and stood straight again. It was awkward to be half-naked when Yuri was looking at him like that, so he walked over to the desk and gripped a T-shirt to put on.

"Yeah, sure", Yuri said, his voice as sarcastic as ever. "Preferably with someone around who should not be aware that we know each other, which is, let me count, everyone?" He snorted. "It's not like I had a lot of opportunities to let you know that you should not fucking be here, besides the one you thoroughly ignored. And I'm sorry, but my goddamn cat died tonight while I was still half on coke, so I was a little occupied with not having a motherfucking breakdown, even without you!"

Otabek straightened the shirt with his hands turning around. "He didn't make it? The ocelot?"

The green eyes changed from furious to heartbroken in an instant. "They tried their best, but it was too late already", he said with a shrug and lowered his eyes that started filling with tears. "They pumped the stomach but the substance had already gone into the blood. It was too much for his small body." He sighed shakily and Otabek wanted nothing more than go over there and wrap his arms around Yuri in an embrace but he didn't dare, not even as the boy started crying again.

"I'm sorry", he murmured and Yuri shook his head, sobbing lowly.

"It's my fault. Poor Reaper. He suffered so much. He didn't deserve that. But maybe I did."

"Yuri", Otabek murmured, standing in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do. When the blonde looked up to him, his cheeks were wet with tears.

"You're still so socially awkward", he sobbed, but smiled and it made Otabek's heart skip a beat. "You haven't changed at all."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be", Yuri said and looked down on his hands folded in his lap. "You have no reason to be. I am though. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry..." He hid his face in his hands and started crying so pitifully that Otabek couldn't help but hurry over there and sit down next to the blonde on the mattress and pull him into his arms carefully.

It felt right. He knew he shouldn't think this way, because Yuri was devastated, but holding the slender, trembling boy close was a wonderful, satisfying experience. Especially when Yuri rested his head against Otabek's chest, wetting Otabek's shirt with his tears. His hair smelled sweet, like fruit and flowers. It was terrible to see and feel and hear Yuri cry, but Otabek was happy. "It's alright", he murmured into the strands of gold. "I'm here."

It made Yuri sob even louder and it made him fisting the fabric of Otabek's shirt, desperately holding onto him. And then, very hoarsely Yuri said "I missed you" and Otabek pulled him closer, feeling tears tickling on his own cheeks.

"I missed you too."

They sat and cried and outside the sky turned from black to a soft blue with the breaking dawn.