Someone came home to their hotel room. Otabek heard their steps in the hallway outside his room, then a door farther down the hallway being closed. It was a little before four in the morning, the sky outside slowly brightening as the day arrived.

Yuri's sobs had vanished after some time and Otabek could feel the tears dry on his own cheeks as he very carefully held the blonde close. The leather of Yuri's jacket was cold against his bare arms. The boy's fingers still clenched in the fabric of his shirt he felt like Yuri never wanted to let go of him again. And he himself felt a lot like it. He couldn't be without Yuri and only now he realized how bad it really had been for him, being without him. He had suffered, he was aware of that, suffered a lot to be honest. But only now that he felt the thin arms around his chest, the warmth Yuri radiated even through his shirt so welcome, so pleasant, only now he realized how good it felt to be with him. He was so relieved. He was so endlessly glad that they were both here, so close. There were a lot of problems, a lot of questions and very likely so many obstacles they had to deal with to figure out how they could stay close, but he was truly happy. And it hurt to realize that only a few hours ago he had imagined to commit suicide with the gun so innocently shining on the nightstand as if nothing had happened. He could have easily done it and it scared the shit out of him.

Yuri stopped crying, but didn't back away. His hands released the back of Otabek's shirt but remained in place, placed on Otabek's lower back softly. The golden mess of his hair swirled around his head and shoulders like strands of sunlight and then all the way down until it ended not before his waist, caressing the skin of Otabek's lower arms that he kept wrapped around the skinny shoulders. In the spur of the moment Otabek eventually lifted one hand and let his fingers run through the silky strands. It felt wonderful. He had always had a thing for Yuri's hair, but now it was so incredibly long and beautiful that he couldn't resist.

"It's so long", he murmured, stroking the light mane in a way that even for himself appeared to be a little too loving. He couldn't stop though. He had missed Yuri way too much to ever stop again.

Yuri's voice sounded weak when he asked: "Do you like it?"

"Yes." He nodded and buried his fingers in the golden threads. "Yes, I like it."

Yuri hummed, then they fell silent again.

Otabek leaned his cheek against the parting of Yuri's hair and closed his eyes for a second. He was tired, his entire body felt exhausted. He had trained too hard yesterday. No wonder after what had happened at the veterinarian's clinic. It had seemed a good idea to try and get it out of his system, to keep his body occupied with the workout so that his brain and heart would not start running again, but now it came back at him. He had clearly overdone it and the slight pain he felt was only a glimpse of how sore he would feel later today or even tomorrow. But it had worked. He had not thought about how Yuri had pushed him away earlier. And as soon as he remembered the weight of the gun in his hand, he thought that maybe if he had had a little more time thinking he might have done it, might have shot himself. It was ridiculous now and it seemed very far away, but it had been real then. This black thing in his chest that he still struggled to control. And that although all his life had been nothing but a never-ending exercise in controlling himself. He'd need to work on that, just like he would need to work on his body. He'd train hard and become stronger, mentally as well as physically and finally be the friend that Yuri deserved: a friend that could protect him.

'I need to protect him.'

"Yuri", he murmured in the blonde hair and felt the body in his arms tense up a little. "We need to talk."

It took a moment before the blonde answered, in a sad, hushed, low voice: "I know." He squeezed Otabek tight in his arms for a second, then let go with a sigh and sat up.

It felt like he hugged him good-bye. The thought ripped Otabek's insides apart, but he tried to not let it show. He probably only imagined it anyway. Instead he sat back himself and looked at Yuri who lowered his head, his hair like a curtain that shielded him from the world. It didn't look like he would bring a single word out, so Otabek inhaled deeply and started:

"First of all", he said and tried to keep his voice smooth and low for not to make Yuri feel even more uncomfortable, "I am very thankful that you came to see me. Very thankful indeed. I know it must have been a horrible day for you, I can not imagine how you feel right now, but please, believe me, I appreciate that you came here, more than words can tell." He paused and when Yuri didn't react, tilted his head in an attempt to look around the shorter fringe that blocked Yuri's face from his sight. "Do you understand that?"

Yuri nodded, his hands balling into fists on top of his tights. Otabek noticed how long and slender Yuri's legs were in the black skinny jeans, almost worrisome. He also noticed a thin silver bracelet around his right wrist. Usually Otabek did not have an eye for jewelry but the design was outstanding: the whitegold piece had four small stones set into the silverish material, making it look as valuable as it must have been considering all the treasures that Orlov surrounded himself with, but the most notable detail were the screws that flanked two opposite sides of the bracelet. It was tight around Yuri's wrist, too tight to slip it over his hand as Otabek noticed, so the screws despite being fashionable likely served a very practical purpose as well. On the other hand it meant that Yuri would not be able to take the thing off without the appropriate screwdriver. And with something tightening his throat Otabek found that it was not only jewelry; it was a leash.

"My question", he said, tearing his look from the metal around the fragile arm to look up, "is still the same. What are you doing here, Yuri? Breaking into my hotel room in the middle of the night?"

Yuri swallowed audibly, then exhaled in a trebling wheeze. "I needed to see you", he said, his voice shaking. "I thought that if I came here… that if I saw you, that I would be fine again. I need to be fine. I need to-" He chuckled voiceless. "It was a bad idea, I see that now." He whipped his head around and looked at Otabek, his eyes green and stunning. "You need to leave. Now."

Otabek stared at him confused.

"I'm serious, you need to leave." With a hasty motion Yuri got up and stood facing Otabek who remained seated. The golden strands dangled around Yuri's pretty, ghostly pale face. "Right now."

"No."

"This is not a plea!", Yuri rose his voice, his brows furrowed in the angry frown that Otabek had learned to see through so many years ago already.

"And I don't take orders from you", Otabek replied, still calm.

It made Yuri huff in annoyance. "I told you already! You can not be here! I didn't write and bring you that note because I didn't know what to do with myself! You need to leave immediately! I told you to leave!"

"And I told you that I will not!"

With a yelp Yuri stepped backwards when he heard Otabek yell and it made sense that he was surprised. Otabek had never spoken in a loud voice before he had woken up again, much less yelled at someone. It still surprised himself a little, but it had happened before and he thought that he was getting used to it by now. Yuri on the contrary had never heard or seen him angry and it made him fall silent.

Frowning Otabek looked up at him. He was angry. Angry that Yuri could think that he'd just leave, for whatever reason he requested that to begin with. Angry that Yuri could think that he could just leave him behind again, even after witnessing in what mess it had brought Yuri the first time it had happened. "I will not leave!", he repeated. "I can not leave. Not without you!" He got up, saw how Yuri took another step backwards and it stung in his heart, so with an apologetic look he reached out to take Yuri's hands in his. "I can't be without you, Yuri. I couldn't before my coma. And I can not now. I need you. And I will get you out of here."

First there was a glimmer in Yuri's eyes. Something that was not anger. Something bright. Something beautiful. And something that Otabek knew so well by now: hope. But just as if it only had been there to mock him, it was gone again, the cold returning to the tourmaline eyes. It hurt to witness it.

"Stop shitting me", he hissed and in an abrupt motion freed his hands from Otabek's grip. "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about-"

"I don't care-"

"But you should, asshole! You fucking should and if I tell you to leave you should fucking do it, because I know! You should grab your fucking stuff and leave Moscow immediately and before they fucking find out who you are and rip your guts out with their bare hands!" He clenched his hands until the knuckles became white. "Get the fuck out of here. Go home, go back to your sweet little life with your caring family where you belong, because you don't fucking belong here."

"And neither do you."

It made Yuri laugh out lowly. "You have no idea. You don't even know who I am anymore. And it doesn't matter. You don't have a place here."

"And what if I have?", he gave back, frowning. "What if I tried to find a place I belong and what if I didn't find one before fifteen minutes ago, before I was with you? What if there is no place for me anymore if not by your side?"

His lower lip trembling Yuri shook his head. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"I'm talking about this!", Otabek spat and pointed his index finger at his chest, right where his heart was beating heavily against the ribs. "It hurt so much to learn that you were gone. It hurt thinking about how I made you leave everything behind. It hurt so much to look for you until I almost lost hope. But I could not stop, I could not, because you are what I need to stay alive. I need you to breathe and I need you to feel anything but pain. I can not leave, not without you. It'd break me if you made me leave. It'd kill me-"

"That's not it!", Yuri interrupted him. "That's entirely not what the fuck I am talking about! You are getting yourself in trouble worse than anything you could imagine! This is not about memories and the past and whatnot, this here", he made a wide gesture with his arm, "this is serious, dead-serious in the most literal way. This is about life and death very physically! Those people will do things to you if they find out about who you are and what you want here. They will do things to your family. They will do things to everyone you know and everyone you hold dear. This isn't a fucking playground and it's not a goddamn novel, this is the most influential bratva in all Moscow and they will not hesitate to take drastic measures even just for fun!"

"I know that-"

"Then why won't you just leave?!"

This time Otabek shook his head. "Because I need to protect you."

Yuri stared at him wide-eyed, then, with a very low voice said: "Then protect me by returning home. That's the only thing you can do. I am better off without you."

Just when Otabek had thought that he had been through the worst pain possible those words ripped his heart out. He didn't understand how Yuri could say something like that. How he could say that and sound so serious, like he really meant what he had just said. Otabek remembered the letters, all those heartbreaking letters in which Yuri had spoken of pain and longing and guilt, staining the paper with his tears. How could the same person say something like that right now?! It wasn't right.

"Why do you hurt me so much?", he murmured, his voice unsteady. When Yuri didn't answer but stared at the floor, he stepped forward a little trying to get the blonde's attention. "Please, Yuri-"

"Don't call me that! Yuri is not here anymore! He died a long time ago! He died with you that night. I'm just Katyusha…"

"But I didn't die-", Otabek amended, but Yuri didn't even let him finish.

"I don't care! Yuri did! He's gone forever and you can not bring him back ever again, no matter what you do, so don't bother trying. I don't need you here. Katyusha doesn't need you. He doesn't want your help, because this is the life he wants to live. You're nothing but a bother and it'd be better if you disappeared!" With that he fell silent, staring at the floor, his hands balled into fists and his shoulders hunched, like what he had just said had caused him physical pain as much as it had caused pain for Otabek to hear them. Like knives in his chest, again and again.

With a frown Otabek looked at him for a moment. He didn't understand. He had expected something, anything that made him see why Yuri acted like he had done until now, had hoped that once they finally had a moment for themselves they could talk and figure something out. But obviously Yuri had decided to hurt him even more instead. He just didn't know why.

But did it really matter? Maybe this was what Yuri did now. What Katyusha did. Maybe this was what had become of him. Someone reckless, someone who didn't need Otabek anymore despite the letters. Maybe he was ready to take the last step, the final one that made him leave behind his past life completely. Maybe he had grown that cold. Maybe Katyusha was that kind of person. There was a way to find out.

Clenching his teeth together painfully Otabek made the two steps over to the nightstand. Yuri didn't even look his way when he grabbed the MP-443. Only when Otabek turned towards him and held the gun out to him he looked up.

"Here", Otabek said and when Yuri did not move but stared at him, he grabbed his hand and shoved the gun in his shaky fingers who wrapped around the grip automatically. "Do it", he said and lifted Yuri's arm to make the barrel point at his own chest. "If you want me to disappear, this is the only way. You'd kill me sending me away. Could as well do it right away."

The green eyes filled with tears, but Yuri didn't say anything, just stared back at him.

"Do it", Otabek repeated, his insides scorching with pain. He grabbed the gun and unlocked the security lever. The low click made Yuri startle, just like it had made Otabek startle last night. The sound was something definitive, the last thing to hear before pulling the trigger. It was fine for him. Maybe it was better if it ended right here. The toxic thoughts from last night might have been very wise in the end. He was okay with dying if it made the despair go away. If it finally would stop hurting so much. If the last thing he ever saw were those green eyes that had made him feel alive so long ago.

"Do it!"

"No!" With a helpless whine Yuri jerked the gun from Otabek's hand and threw it onto the mattress. Tears fell from his eyes like diamonds sparkling in the twilight as he flew towards Otabek, wrapping his arms around his neck. "Please", he sobbed, Otabek's hands coming to rest on Yuri's back. "P-please, you don't understand! You- you can not stay! You… please, you can not stay h-here." His sobs felt painful against Otabek's chest and his breath so hot on the tan skin of his neck. "They'll hurt you if you stay. They'll kill you if you stay. I can't let you die for me again!"

"I did not die!", he said, slowly, so that Yuri would finally understand. "I did not die then, Yuri, and neither did you. I'm here. I'm here with you as alive as I can be and I will not go away. Ever. Again." He hugged the sobbing boy close, as close as he could without hurting him. "And I will protect you from now on, Yuri. I will do what I could not do back then. I will save you. I promise."

"Otabek", Yuri sobbed and it was the first time he said his name. "Otabek. Otabek…"

"I'm here", he whispered and placed a soft kiss on Yuri's hair, listening to his friend sobbing his name again and again like it was a prayer.

е

"I can't stay long", Yuri whispered. His soft lips brushed against the skin of Otabek's throat like butterfly's wings. It was a kiss and not a kiss at the same time and Otabek's heart beat so fast and heavy that he'd bet that Yuri noticed it as well. He didn't comment on it though, but went on: "No one can know that I came here. It's dangerous. For both of us."

They had sat down on the bed again, Otabek leaning against the headboard and Yuri in his arms. The gun sat in the far left corner of the blanket, almost invisible on the dark blue sheets, as far away as possible. "Just a little longer", he begged, his right hand resting on Yuri's side under the jacket, the thumb rubbing soft circles on the prominent ribs that hid under the thin material of Yuri's black shirt. It reminded him of Almaty, so long ago.

(Yuri blushes when it happens for the first time, looking up to Otabek with slightly parted lips. When he realizes what he is doing Otabek blushes, too. He didn't do it on purpose, really. It's just that when Yuri just snuggled up against him as they are already halfway through the DVD his skin felt so good under his fingers that he absentmindedly started drawing idle patterns on the exposed waist that peeked out between the jeans and the askew shirt. He didn't even realize that it's Yuri's bare skin that he touches for the first time ever in a place that's not his hands and shoulders. Just when Yuri's head turns he looks away from the screen and becomes fully aware that he touches his best friend in what could be considered an erotic manner. He stares at him for an embarrassing second, then pulls his hand away and presses it on the padding of the sofa. "Sorry", he says, frowning. "I was distracted. I didn't mean to…" He never finishes the sentence when Yuri reaches around himself and takes Otabek's hand, intertwines their fingers on the same bare spot of ivory skin of his waist, then without a word snuggles even closer and focuses on the movie again.

It's that moment that Otabek comes to think that maybe Yuri might be interested in him on a level different from just friendship and whenever he silently touches Yuri afterwards - placing his hand on Yuri's back or caressing his cheek for a moment or playing with his silky, shiny hair - he still makes it look like it's casual, but it still can be way more than that, so that Yuri can decide for himself why Otabek does it. The truth is that his heart is overflowing with emotions in the most wonderful way. But he keeps quiet about it, because he wants Yuri to figure out what he wants it to be.)

Back then Yuri had not been that skinny. Lean, yes, thin even, but the way the ribs stood out even under the shirt, the way the hipbones were visible under the waistband of the skinny jeans and how incredibly long and thin his legs were made Otabek a little uncomfortable. He looked down on the fragile wrists that rested in Yuri's lap, the right one decorated with the shimmering bracelet.

"Did he put that on you?", he asked, hesitantly. "Orlov I mean."

Yuri nodded. "It was for my first Christmas", he explained in a low voice that missed all the aversion that Otabek had expected. "I had just gotten to know him a few weeks earlier and I think he meant it to be some kind of vow. He was very serious about it."

Otabek stared at the jewelry. The diamonds shone like ice. "More a threat", he said, his voice bitter even in his own ears.

It made Yuri look up at him. "No", he said, calmly. "That's not what it is. It's a promise." When Otabek huffed, he shook his head. "I imagine what you must think of him. You probably think he is a bad person. A monster. Or some kind of criminal mastermind. But that's not what he is. He might be powerful, dangerous even, but he's a good person. He is gentle. And he cares for me." He lowered his eyes. "He loves me."

As much as it was disturbing Otabek could as well see the truth in Yuri's words. He had seen it at the vet's clinic: The way Orlov had held Yuri, comforting him, supporting him when the blonde had needed it. Even going so far to come and thank Otabek personally for taking care of Yuri when he didn't even know who he was. It was obvious that despite showering Yuri with presents (Boris had mentioned the Audi being a birthday present for Yuri and the bracelet spoke for itself) he really did care for the boy. The question was: how did Yuri feel about it?

"And", he asked slowly, hoping that Yuri would deny it as an answer, "do you love him?"

The denial didn't come right away.

It hurt. And it hurt all the more as the seconds ticked by and Yuri just didn't say No. Instead he inhaled shakily, his hands wavering. "In a way."

Otabek's jaws hurt from clenching and when Yuri looked up again his eyes shone with guilt.

"I've been with him for so long", his voice was hoarse. "I got used to him. And if you are with someone for so long, you… you learn to like people. He's always been nice to me. He has never treated me badly. He took me in when I had hit the bottom and he was so good to me although I didn't deserve it. It's not that I fell in love with him like I fell in love with… like one falls in love with someone. But his affection helped me so much and I- I enjoy it. Yes, I think that's it. It does my heart good."

Otabek nodded. "I see."

"No, you don't", Yuri hurried to object. "I don't love him, okay, not like that. He's like a father for me, a father I never knew-"

"A father who has sex with you", Otabek interrupted him. He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't deny that it hurt to hear how affectionately Yuri spoke of this man.

"'Don't say that", Yuri replied with a frown, but Otabek shrugged.

"But I hear that's what he does. Correct me if I'm wrong." He was jealous, he found, because he had hoped that even after such a long time Yuri would still be in love with him, like he had been back then in Almaty when he had visited Otabek there, all shining eyes and blushing nosetip. Of course he should have expected that things had changed. It was foolish, but he couldn't help it. He loved Yuri and he wanted him for himself, as selfish as it might sound. When you had loved someone for so long you couldn't just accept that their heart belonged to someone else.

"He does", Yuri said, sitting up. He looked offended and a little confused as well. "He does because if he did not I would be dead by now for sure." Looking at Otabek for a moment he pouted in the cutest way despite the graveness of his words. "He saved me when he took me in, you hear me? And I am thankful." When Otabek didn't say anything, because he was too angry and disappointed and hurt, mostly by how he acted like an asshole himself, Yuri took his hands in his and looked down first on the wound on Otabek's hand and then on the tattoo on his lower arm.

"When I left home", Yuri said, his voice weak and vulnerable and young, "I was devastated. I have never given up hope that you would recover, but, you know, hoping can be so fucking painful. I couldn't stand it anymore. And then my grandfather died. It shattered the pieces of my broken heart. And then my cat died. It gave me the last blow. I could not stay there. So I ran away from everything.

I slept in the streets for a few nights, wandering the city during daytime, numbing the pain with cheap booze because this was the only way I could forget. I got picked up by the police a few times but there was no one they could take me to, so they just released me into the night again. It was cold and I knew that I could have frozen to death but whenever I thought of it I drank so much that I forgot it again. Maybe I wanted to die. I'm not so sure now.

After some nights - I don't even know how many, it's all so damn blurry - I went over to the park to sleep there and some guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to buy coke. I didn't even think twice about it and did it. It was better than the booze. It made me feel good or something close to it. I bought more. He came over every night and when he one night asked me if I wanted to come over to his place with him I did it. He had friends waiting there and he let me use his shower and it felt so good to wash my hair after days. When I came out one of his friend asked me if I could blow him if he paid me for it. We got high on speed and after the pep kicked in I did it to him and two or three other people, I don't even remember.

I stayed at the guy's place overnight and we slept all day and in the evening they took me to a club. A woman approached me and asked me if I wanted to star in some of her videos, she'd pay me a lot and, well, she really did. She was a professional who scouted mainly in bars and nightclubs and after I had signed the contract she booked me a room in a hotel and got me clothes and drugs. I still think she payed me a fair amount of money, for my debut video as well as all the others, but then I didn't even realize, because all I wanted to do is get high so that I would not think. In the few months I worked for her I did a shitload of videos. I let them do the weirdest stuff to me, roleplay, bondage, gang bangs, you name it. Even when I was acting I was so high on drugs that on some days I couldn't even remember what I had shot earlier. I watched a few videos later and thought that some of the stuff certainly wasn't consensual, but I didn't even care as long as the dope kept coming.

I was a fucking wreck there. I got very popular, seriously, I was making a fortune but I was broken. If someone had strangled me to death fucking me in front of the camera I could not have cared less. I was shattered.

That was when Anatolij found me. And he got me out of there. I don't even know why. He says that he wanted me for himself and even today I can not understand how someone could have wanted the ugly, dirty whore I was back then, nothing but a pile of shit coated in gold in front of the camera, holding still for any dick that came with a paycheck. But he saw something else, something worth caring for. And he did. Care for me.

He gave me a home. He gave me his affection. He gave me a chance. He is not a bad person."

He looked up at Otabek again, as if he wanted to apologize with only the shimmer in his eyes and Otabek understood. He squeezed Yuri's bony hands carefully.

Here it was, the answers he had longed for, the long, heartbreaking story that had made his precious little Yuri turn into the not less precious Katyusha. It would take him some time to fully comprehend what Yuri had gone through, but his anger had vanished along with his disappointment.

Of course Yuri had a bond with Anatolij Orlov. He had saved his life. And Otabek caught himself feeling something else than loathing and disdain for the man who kept his best friend like a sodomized kitten. He felt gratitude and respect. It was awkward to realized that he owed Orlov. The man whose henchmen had almost killed him.

"Why Katyusha, though", Otabek asked after some moments pondering.

The tourmaline eyes filled with tears. "I took that name when the first video was in the making. Miss Pavilevskaya asked me by what name I would like to go and I chose Katyusha. You know, like the girl in the song. My grandfather had played it on his accordion when I was a child and I had always found it so touching how she never gave up hope. She never knew if her love would ever return, but she would wait for him, day in day out and every day the chances that he would return to her diminished. But she would remember him. She would wait for him. And her heart would only ever be his." Yuri smiled a tiny smile, his cheeks shimmering with tears.

Otabek rose a hand and wiped the tears away with his thumb. "I found your letters", he breathed, watching as new tears fell from Yuri's eyes, wetting his fair skin. "The letters you left on your bed for me."

It made Yuri sob convulsively and he wrapped his arms around the trembling body, holding him close.

"I never- wanted you to see m-me like this", Yuri sobbed, weak and limp in Otabek's arms. "I'm s-so- so ashamed…"

"Don't be", Otabek said and stroked Yuri's hair gently. "I just want to be with you."

"Y-You shouldn't be. It's too dangerous. I- I don't want to lose you again."

"You won't, Yuri. I promise. We'll find a way."

Yuri nodded, crying noisily into Otabek's shirt. "I missed you so much, Otabek."

"I missed you too, Yuri", he whispered, not sure if Yuri could even hear it over his violent sobs and all he wanted to say was "I love you".

He said it hours later when he laid down in the ruffled sheets. In the early morning he had driven Yuri home with the R8 Yuri had come with after the boy had stopped crying, his eyes red and puffy. They had promised each other to be careful, very careful. He had saved his phone number into Yuri's smartphone, using his new name. Yuri had smiled when he had recognized Khaligaz' nickname and held the device to his chest like a treasure. It was hard to leave him behind in the car park under the building where he had picked him up earlier today; it felt like it had been ages since then.

After he had returned to the hotel around half past six with a taxi he dropped on the bed exhausted. He secured the gun, placed it on the nightstand again and climbed under the blanket. It was nice to think that only minutes ago Yuri had been here with him. So close, closer than he had hoped for a long time. And it made his eyes burn with tears to remember his tiny smile in a tear strained face he wanted to kiss so desperately. He swallowed the tears, closing his eyes and recalled how Yuri had clung to him like his life depended on it.

"I love you", he whispered in the silence of the room, illuminated by the rising sun, but still only tinted in hues of black and blue. And then again: "I love you." And again. Because he really, really did.