It was almost two in the morning.
After some minutes it started to rain. First just a little, a few raindrops on the window. Then, a few moments later the driver switched on the windscreen wiper. By the time they arrived at the hotel he had accelerated the wiping speed to the fastest pace.
They didn't make it in less than 10 minutes, but it wasn't the driver's fault and Otabek payed him the double amount nevertheless. He could see the R8 a few meters from the hotel entrance, the parking light illuminating the front like the glow of a predator's eyes in the dark of the night.
He ran across the street as the taxi sped away and it felt like there was no one awake in the entire dark city but him. The rain fell so hard it almost hurt on his body, like gunshots even through the fabric of his sweater. Rain ran down his neck and even lower down his spine like a caress of icy fingers before it was absorbed by his clothing. It was indescribably cold and Otabek shivered when he arrived at the Audi.
Through the wet window he saw Yuri in the driver's seat. The image was rippled in a bizarre way, the blonde bent over in the seat, shoulders hunched and blonde hair falling loose from his messy bun. His reddened eyes, blurred makeup surrounding them like cracks in white porcelain, stared down at the smartphone between his tensed fingers.
"Yuri!", he exclaimed, hoping that his voice could be heard beyond the rain hitting the car noisily. When Yuri didn't show any signs of reaction he knocked at the glass, carefully to not scare Yuri. There was no reaction. "Yuri", he tried again, knocking harder. Yuri didn't move. Otabek tried to open the door but it was locked, of course. "Yuri!", he called out louder, his knuckles banging painfully against the cold glass.
Yuri didn't move and eventually Otabek started to panic. Through the rain running down the window in thick streams he couldn't see if Yuri blinked, if he even breathed. "I'm here!", he called, pressing his hands against the cold, wet glass. The rain had him soaked to the bone by now, his jaw jittering from the cold. "I'm here Yuri! Please, open the door!"
Finally Yuri moved, flinching, then almost unnoticeably shook his head.
"Please Yuri", Otabek's voice sounded desperate. "I'm sorry, Yuri. Please open the door, let me talk to you, let me explain! I'm sorry!"
Yuri jerked his head around and stared at Otabek through the wavy pattern of rain on glass. His tears smudging his makeup in a way that almost looked artistic mirrored on the window. Those fair green eyes seemed to glow faintly in the dark. Yuri's face was pale and frozen like a mask. It was the creepiest thing Otabek had ever seen. Finally Yuri reached out to open the door. Otabek made a step to the side to let Yuri open the door, not prepared for Yuri to step out of the car and slap his hand across Otabek's face in a rapid blow stinging with pain.
Otabek stumbled back in surprise, still processing the hit when Yuri jumped at him, wrapping his arms around Otabek's neck crying loudly.
"I hate you!", he screamed, clinging to Otabek closer than Otabek's wet black sweater seemed to. "You fucking asshole! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I thought you were gone, I thought you had left me! I'm so mad at you, I'm so- so...!" His hands went up, weaving his fingers into the drenched black hair. "I'm sorry… Please, please…", the rest dispersing into trembling sobs.
"It's okay", Otabek whispered, hugging Yuri close. "I'm here now. I won't leave you, I promise." His cheek seemed to burn from Yuri's hand, but he felt like he deserved it. He held Yuri close, then breathed a kiss onto the golden hair, then another one. "I'm here." Then another one. "I'm here."
Yuri nodded but didn't stop crying.
After some moments the shudder became hard to ignore. "Hey, let's get you into the car, you'll get all soaked. How about we head over to my place and talk about what happened", Otabek murmured and Yuri nodded again, then distanced himself from Otabek.
"I've been drinking", he confessed, the tears and the rain both making his mascara stain his pale cheeks in black streaks.
Otabek frowned. Now that Yuri mentioned it he could smell it: a heavy, alcoholic scent in his breath, sweet and poisonous like berries and vodka. "I'll drive", he said and accompanied Yuri to the passenger seat, his hand gentle on the small of Yuri's back. He let Yuri get in, then closed the door carefully before heading over to the driver's side. With a sigh he opened the door, plucked Yuri's phone from the seat and got in. "Here", he said, handing Yuri the device. The boy took it with a hoarse "Thanks", then hunched his shoulders again like he wanted to hide from Otabek.
"Yuri", he mumbled, "did you drive under the influence of alcohol?"
"I'm sorry", Yuri sobbed. "I wanted to see you. I needed to see you…"
Otabek took one of Yuri's cold hands and squeezed it softly. "Why didn't you call me? I could have picked you up."
"I couldn't. I was at the 'shade, if someone had heard me… I'm sorry..."
"It's okay." Otabek ran his thumb over the back of Yuri's hand. "Just promise me that you'll never do something that stupid again. You could have had an accident. Something could have happened to you, you understand that, don't you?" Yuri nodded weakly. "I can't lose you. Please, promise me that you'll never do something that thoughtless again, will you?"
Again Yuri nodded. "I promise."
It was insane how pretty Yuri was, even now, his makeup a mess, his hair glittering with raindrops, his hands trembling. Otabek could only stare at him as Yuri had his eyes lowered on the carbon fibre dashboard of the R8. There was no denying it, he loved him like crazy.
"Let's get out of here", he sighed and trying to slick his dripping wet hair back he started the engine.
The drive was short and silent. Neither of them uttered a word, the rain hitting the window and the growling of the engine the only sounds audible. Otabek steered the car through the rain all the way until stopping behind the Turkish company's warehouse, right where the metal stairs led up to his flat's entrance door. "Here we are", he said as he cut the engine and the interior lights of the car came to life dimly. Yuri looked out of the window bewildered, his tears dried but his eyelids puffy.
"Where did you take me?" His voice was not more than a whisper.
"This is where I live now", Otabek replied. It made Yuri turn his head to look at him in disbelief, so he felt the urge to explain himself to Yuri: "The night you broke into my room, and every time I saw that receptionist girl's smile afterwards, I came to think that this place was not safe. Not that I'm not glad that you found me there - I thank all Gods that you came to see me in this night, because... ", he sighed, "I needed you back then, more than you probably realize. But it also made me come to the conclusion that if you had found me, then other people would be able to do so as well. And that I need a place that's safe, that's hidden. A place where I can sleep without the gun next to my pillow. That's why I decided to move. Because you said that I need to be very, very careful with my life." He rose his hand, tucking a moist strand behind Yuri's ear. "I know now that you were right. And I will be careful." His hand fell back into his lap as he smiled a sad smile. Yuri had no idea how guilty he felt. But maybe he'd realize after tonight. Maybe - hopefully! - Otabek had the opportunity to get so many things off his chest eventually. And to apologize to Yuri for everything he had made the boy go through. "It was a mistake to not tell you in time. I should have considered that you'd be scared. But I was irresponsible and I made you suffer. Again. I am very sorry, Yuri. Really, I'm sorry."
Yuri bit his lip, then reached out to touch Otabek's right hand, the one with the laceration and the scars on the wrist from the surgery. His fingers felt like ice on Otabek's skin. "Thank you for taking me with you", he whispered looking down on the gentle touch of white on tan skin.
Maybe this was the moment. Maybe now, here in the car with the rain drumming onto the Audi's roof, with Yuri's fingers so gentle on the back of his hand, maybe this was the moment he would lean over to this beautiful young man and kiss him, softly, not to scare him away. Just a tiny, gentle kiss on those cold pink lips, their hands still touching, so soft but at the same time meaningful beyond words. It would show Yuri how he felt, how he had felt for so long now, tell him what words couldn't express, at least no words Otabek could think of.
But he was scared. Yuri trusted him. And he could never impose on Yuri because of his selfish emotions. Not now that the boy was so vulnerable. Not now. Maybe not ever. And certainly not in such an encroaching way. So in the end he pulled his hand away from Yuri's and gestured towards the metal stairs. "Shall I show you my place?"
Yuri pulled his hand back as well, fingers clinging to the seam of his loose-knit black cardigan, and nodded.
As Otabek got out of the car the rain and cold hit him like a gunshot. His clothes stuck to his body like a second skin and he was glad that once they were up inside he could get a change of clothes. It had been uncomfortable in the car despite the ventilation streaming out warm air but it would be so much better to finally be dry again. He hurried over to the passenger door, opening it and holding out a hand for Yuri and at the same time digging his key out of his pocket. Only when Yuri got out of the car too Otabek realized that the blonde was almost as wet. The cardigan looked drenched and the black blouse shimmered with wetness, flat against Yuri's bony chest. The boy shivered like a leaf and Otabek slammed the door shut, locking the car with the remote as he dragged Yuri up the metal stairs as fast as Yuri could make it in his chain decorated high heeled boots. The key fell to the floor when he tried to unlock his door with a metallic clank. Otabek stifled a curse when he bent down to pick it up, the key dripping with water. When he finally managed to tear the door open he let Yuri enter first, the blonde hugging his waist as if that could shield him from the cold. Otabek was glad that Russian heaters were so reliable. The warmth of the flat embraced them as a cozy billow. Otabek didn't waste any time to close the door behind him and shut the cold and rain out. He switched the single bare light bulb on and turned the key from the inside, then shot both the bolds thoroughly.
"Let me fetch you a towel", he said and entered the bathroom. There was no hot water after half past midnight even in winter. It hadn't looked like much more than a minor inconvenience when he had found the flat but now Otabek cursed Moscow for being so forbidding. He took the bathing towel from the shower curtain rod and the spare small one then turned back to where Yuri was standing next to the entrance door like a marble statue.
"Here." Otabek handed the big white towel to Yuri who started drying his hair absentmindedly. Otabek could feel his own frown as he watched Yuri for a moment. He didn't know what it was exactly - the alcohol, the shock from earlier, the cold or all of that combined - but it seemed like Yuri radiated a certain kind of despair, a feeling of plain sadness and loneliness that felt like a knife being pressed into Otabek's heart very, very slowly. "Come, I'll give you some dry clothes", he murmured and Yuri followed him silently into the single room.
Around the corner Otabek's suitcase sat on the floor, open. He squatted in front of it ignoring the drops of rainwater that fell from his messy hair and onto his luggage while lifting the shirts to pluck the second pair of sweatpants from the pile. "I'm pretty sure those are not your size", he stated turning towards Yuri and tried to smile but it died on his lips when Yuri dropped the towel and sank to his knees next to him, wrapping his thin arms around Otabek's shoulders without a word. Yuri hid his face in the crook of Otabek's neck and just held him silently. He didn't cry, nor did he say anything and it made Otabek feel very helpless as he carefully pulled Yuri in a gentle embrace.
"Yuri", he whispered, like saying the name would comfort both of them.
Yuri only held him more tightly and with a sigh Otabek just held the shivering body close to himself, eventually running his hands over the slender back.
They sat like that for some moments, the rain still audible on the roof over their heads. It felt for Otabek like the time had stopped, the two of them isolated in the yellow light of the bulb hanging from the ceiling. Yuri's breath was calm, his heart beating against Otabek's chest heavily. Otabek closed his eyes, inhaling deeply the scent of the blonde hair, cigarette smoke, shampoo and Yuri.
"I'm cold", Yuri said after what felt like forever and Otabek let go of him, pushing Yuri away at arm's length his hands on the skinny shoulders. "We have to get you out of those wet clothes", he said and cupped Yuri's cheek who tilted his head to lean into the touch slightly. If he focused Otabek could feel his insides clench at the sight. His beautiful, vulnerable fairy, so susceptible for his affection. Like he felt the same for him, like he needed his touch just as much as Otabek needed it. It almost gave him hope but he knew he couldn't give in to it. It was nothing but a dream, nothing but reverie. What Yuri really needed was much more his care as a reliable friend, as a guardian who'd protect him. His emotions only blurred his sight and he couldn't allow that to happen.
He let go of Yuri, holding the sweatpants out to him, then a t-shirt and a sweater from his suitcase too. "You can wear this. If we hang your clothes up over the radiator they'll be dry in no time. When you have changed let's get you under the blanket to warm you up a little. I don't want you to get ill."
He didn't wait for an answer but took a shirt and boxers from his suitcase. It was weird to have Yuri get up and slowly peel the cardigan from his shoulders, undressing like in slow motion, and he tried hard not to stare. When Yuri unbuttoned his pants Otabek rose to his feet blushing. "I'll go to the bathroom", he blurted out and rushed to the small cabin.
The mirror with the missing corner showed him his reddened cheeks and painful frown. His fingers clutched the edge of the sink as he tried not to think too much about the skinny body under the expensive black sheets of clothing. He tried not to remember how sinful those long legs looked in the black Chanel boots or to imagine what they'd look like without the tight pants.
"Shit, Erasyl, calm down", he hissed to himself and turned away to finally dry his hair and body and get into the dry shirt and boxers.
He hesitated when he was finished. He didn't want to catch Yuri naked and unaware. So he tried to get his messy hair in order, the thick black strands moist and wiry hanging down his forehead. It was futile and he didn't even own a blow dryer so he just combed it to the side with his fingers, sighing when some strands immediately fell back down. There was no helping it. He folded the soaked clothes unnecessarily, grimacing as he remembered how he had wiped his hand on the inside of the jerseys earlier that night.
After some moments he really didn't know what to do with himself anymore, so he put the wet clothes down under the sink in order to take them to the coin laundry tomorrow and peeked out of the half closed door.
He was stunned when he saw Yuri, topless and his back turned towards the bathroom door. But it was not admiration for the elegant and fragile limbs that made his breath catch in his throat, nor concern over the prominent bones casting shadows in the yellow light. It was shock about the eagle and the diamond inked into the creamy white skin, sitting right above the waistline of Otabek's track pants he had changed into. The bird's body sat in the middle of the small of Yuri's back making it look like the wings grew out of Yuri's very own spine. The trackpants being way too loose for Yuri rode low on his hips and it showed the pointy end of the diamond ending right where a shadow hinted at the creek farther below. The tattoo was big, much bigger than the one on Otabek's arm and it blew his heart into smithereens.
It had been stupid to not assume that Yuri had the tattoo as well. He was Orlov's favourite toy after all. And while the bracelet, this disgusting silver manacle around Yuri's delicate wrist, was not permanent even with the screws that were had to open, and could be removed, this couldn't. What Nad had warned him about unfolded before him in all it's horrible magnitude. Yuri belonged to Orlov, stamped like an object, like a cheap whore, branded and marked now and forever. A stigma, black and ugly on Yuri's perfect skin. Please, no.
He noticed the tears as Yuri covered himself in the shirt Otabek had given him, the tattoo and his skinny frame disappearing from Otabek's sight that was blurred by that time already. He exited the bathroom when Yuri got into the sweater, tears dripping from his black lashes and without a word he hugged Yuri close, overwhelmed with the feeling of regret.
"Otabek", Yuri whispered, then hugged him back. "I'm sorry that I hurt you."
Otabek just shook his head, crying into moist blonde strands. He was the one to be sorry. But he couldn't even say it, the guilt choking him.
"I'm cold", Yuri added after a moment and Otabek let go of him and led him to the mattress, sitting down next to Yuri and wrapping the blanket around both their bodies. Yuri seemed to melt into him and he caressed the tangled thatch and the bony shoulders until he calmed down and stopped crying.
"I remember when we went to Antalya", Yuri murmured, his voice a little slurred from the alcohol, leaning his head against Otabek's collarbone. "It was nice there. And so hot in summer. We couldn't go out that one day because it was too hot and so we stayed inside until the sun had set. Do you remember that?"
"Yes", Otabek whispered. It was blurry, but it was there, the bright white of the sunshine fading away into orange and pink and the sounds of the cooling down city as day turned into night.
"We went to the ice cream parlour and you bought me a strawberry sundae. We shared it back home on the sofa, this terrible brown sofa." He chuckled lightly. "That was the best strawberry sundae I ever had." He looked up to Otabek. "I was so scared. I wanted to see you. But when I arrived at the hotel this stupid cute girl just smiled this stupid heartbroken smile and said that you were gone. I couldn't believe it. She assured me that you had left in the morning and she looked like you broke up with her." He frowned. "I panicked. I'm sorry. I was just so scared. I didn't mean to hit you, either."
"It's okay", Otabek repeated. "I should have told you. I just didn't think…" The words trailed off and Otabek sighed. "I am really sorry."
At that Yuri shook his head. "Was that me?", he asked, touching the small cut on Otabek's cheek where the branch had scratched him on the day of Anka's birthday. "No, that happened earlier this week."
Yuri smiled and let his fingertips dance across Otabek's skin very much like Zhenya had done, but slower, softer, his eyes following his every motion. "All those scars", he whispered his breath still smelling like berries and booze, "are these all…?" When Otabek nodded Yuri bit his lower lip, his thumb brushing the split eyebrow lightly.
"Yuri", Otabek murmured and closed his eyes. "There's something I need to ask you."
"What is it?" His face was so close he could feel Yuri's sweet breath on his lips. It felt divine and Otabek opened his eyes again to make this longing hopefully go away.
"Yuri, did you pay for my hospital bills?"
The green eyes darted from Otabek's eyebrow to his lips, then back up to his eyes. "It was the least I could do", he replied slowly and with a smile, but it had a twist somewhere, like he knew that there was something wrong with his statement.
Otabek forced himself not to grind his teeth at the affirmation. "The money", he murmured. "Did you sell your body to earn the money and pay for my bills?"
Yuri's eyes shimmered like gems. "It was the least I could do."
That smile was still there and Otabek hated it.
"Why?", he asked, the word not more than a gasp.
Yuri looked at him puzzled. "What do you mean 'why'? What else should I have done?"
"I don't know", he replied, his insides aching. "Not that."
The golden eyebrows crinkled. "And watch them shut down the machines?" The frown was so familiar on Yuri's face. "Do you even know what you are suggesting, Otabek? It was the only thing that could keep you alive. Money. And I was the one responsible, I was the one you died for-"
"I didn't die!"
"But you would have!" There was pain in Yuri's eyes now as he sat up and grasped Otabek by the shoulders. "You would have died two and a half years ago and I was the only one who was willing to keep you alive, Otabek! Because everyone was ready to let you go, but I wasn't, I fucking wasn't! Everyone had given you up already but I needed you, I needed you alive because Grampa had told me that I owed you and I couldn't disappoint him too. After I was nothing but a letdown for the entire world, for Lilia and Mila and you, after I had disappointed everyone, I could not disappoint him too. I needed you alive Otabek. That's why I couldn't let you die." The grasp of his hands loosened a little. Otabek could feel them tremble on his shoulders. "It was selfish, I know. And in the end I ran from everything. But I was right. I showed them that hope… hope isn't futile…" He chuckled with tears welling in his eyes. "I kicked their asses even after I was long gone. How badass is that?!" With a boyish smirk he wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand in a way that could only be described as plisetsky.
And Otabek was so glad, so relieved, so happy, that this was still his Yuri. But at the same time he couldn't comprehend.
"When you say", he asked hesitating, "that everyone had given me up…" He took Yuri's hands. It was hard to imagine that Yuri's words were true. He thought of Khaligaz, of Nurse Aitmukhambetova, the good soul. He thought of Yuuri crying on the phone and Victor saying his name like it was something very precious to address him, he thought of Mila's gentleness and JJ who had told him that he was a part of the family. He thought of his father who had looked so old and vulnerable, but tried to remain composed and strong. He thought of his mother, praising Allah, holding his hands, her eyes overflowing with tears. His mother who caressed his hair. His mother who wanted to protect him. But who had also lied to him. You would have died two and a half years ago, Yuri had just said and he said it out loud: "Two and a half years ago…"
Yuri bit his lower lip.
Two and a half years ago Yuri had left his grandfather's apartment behind, had left everything behind, had become Katyusha. Walking down there she sang a song about the gray steppe eagle and about her loved one whose letters she had kept.
Realization felt like someone filled his veins with boiling lead. "What does that mean?", he whispered, his pain reflecting in Yuri's eyes.
"They didn't tell you." It was more a statement than a question and when Otabek shook his head the tiniest bit, he entwined his fingers with Otabek's gently. This small gesture - Yuri holding onto him as if in order to make him feel secure - made Otabek tremble in fear of the words that would follow. "Only after a year they decided to shut the machines down", Yuri whispered, like speaking lowly would make the words less painful. "Only after a year they decided to let you die."