"Tell me what happened", Otabek asked.

The heater made a crackling noise once in a while. Yuri had turned it all the way up to 5 after draping his wet clothes over the white metal when Otabek had still been in the bathroom. The sound was only barely audible with the heavy rain still hitting the flat roof.

"Grampa died on the 27th of August", Yuri said, still holding Otabek's hand. "It was a monday. It was sunny and warm and a perfect day. He had been in the hospital for some weeks already. I wasn't there to say goodbye. They called while I was grocery shopping and when I arrived there it was already over. One of the people from the hospital helped me organizing the funeral. I was 17, I had no idea what to do. I didn't even know the people who attended the funeral. They were all strangers, shaking my hand, offering their condolences. It was the worst.

My cat died a few weeks later. It gave me the last blow. I held her dead body in my lap, caressing her soft fur, crying all day. I buried her in the backyard, under the old rosebush in the middle of the night. And when I came back to my room I realized that only you were left. I had abandoned my old life. And my new life had abandoned me eventually. There was only you left. And I was so close to losing you as well that every second felt like hell.

So I went to see you again. It had been almost a year since I had been in Almaty, and I needed to see you. The memory of you in those white sheets, bruised and injured and… and broken, it had haunted me. And I had let it haunt me, because… because I deserved it. Because I felt so guilty that I thought that if you suffered I deserved to suffer too. But at that point I couldn't take it anymore. So I went there and I saw you and… and it was worse."

He squeezed Otabek's fingers almost painfully, looking down on their hands. "You were so… so… pale… and thin and… You looked like Grampa. You looked like you had died already. Of course the bruises were gone and the bandages and everything but… it was worse than before. I had a breakdown. I think it was overdue. I collapsed next to you right there and one of the nurses came and helped me and they called your parents." He shot Otabek an insecure glance, before lowering his eyes on their hands again, caressing the back of Otabek's hands with thin fingers.

"You mother hates me. She cried and yelled at me to fuck off and that it was all my fault. I know that. And I knew it back then. But I only had you left and I couldn't leave you. In the end it was your father who told me." He chuckled a little when he added: "He's so much like you, it's scary. It made me cry even harder when he had told your mother to let him talk to me in private for a moment. When the door was closed he just came over to where I stood beside your bed and I was so sure he'd just grab me and throw me out of the window, but instead he grabbed me and hugged me and it was the first time I let someone do that, let someone soothe me. Your super grim, stoic father of all people held me and it felt so… so good. But only for a moment. I think it felt like then in that backstreet, before it happened, when I… when we… It was the same kind of hug and it now feels like it's a bad omen, because it precedes terrible things, bad words, things that break my heart. I know that now. You and your father are so alike, and it's the exact same hug, too. It's weird. But I didn't know yet."

A tear fell from Yuri's eye, but he smiled at the memory. "Your father is so much like you, Otabek. He's calm and strong and dark and quiet, but warm and gentle, just like you. And back then in this fucking blank hospital room it made me realize how much I missed you. You were my best friend. My only friend. And he knew how much you meant to me back then. So when he told me that this was most likely our farewell he knew how much it hurt me. He said that they had done everything. They had kept you alive for a year, had sold your flat, your bike, the car and the dacha, everything they could relinquish, but the treatment was expensive and they were at their limit. He said that it was in Allah's hands now if you would live or if you'd 'ascend to his gardens and rest in peace and harmony forever', I remember every word like a curse. I said that I could help, but he didn't want to hear it, said that I'd need all the resources myself after Grampa had died and I know he was right. He left to give me some time with you.

And as I watched you, motionless on your bed, these expensive machines running next to it, and as I took your hand and it was thin and limp I felt that it was warm." He sobbed, more tears falling from his eyes now. "It was warm, Otabek. Your skin was thin like dried petals and gray and your hair a mess, but you were warm. And you were still alive. And I… your father had said that they would spend every single tenge they had on keeping you alive and that you had four... or six weeks and… Otabek…"

When Yuri's voice trailed off into heavy sobs Otabek held him close, silent and full of pain himself.

"I couldn't lose you", Yuri sobbed against his shoulder. "Not you, too. You were my best friend. You were everything to me. I… I needed you. And when… when I was back home I got so angry, so, so angry… and so scared!" His fingers clenched in Otabek's shirt. "So I ran away. I... I'm sorry…"

"It's okay", he whispered. "I would have run away, too-"

"That's not true!", Yuri sobbed. "You would have fought Otabek, I know you would have fought until the very end. You always have. But I couldn't! You called me a soldier, but I'm just a coward who ran away when you needed me the most, because I was so scared. I didn't want them to tell me that it had happened eventually. I just couldn't stand the thought, so I ran away and only realized when it was almost too late." He sat up, wiping the tears from his eyes almost brutally, like he didn't care if he hurt himself doing so. "But I did! I drugged myself to the eyeballs, until I forgot who I was. But the thought of you just wouldn't go away, no matter what I drank and smoked and swallowed, my brain was gone but my heart… I just couldn't make the pain go away. So of course I took Miss Pavilevskaya's offer without second thought. Because if I knew for sure that one thing could save you it was money. Even if it was for just another day. Even for just another minute…" He rose his hand, tracing the scar on Otabek's jaw with trembling fingers. He smiled and there was so much hope in it that Otabek's heart hurt. "Every single second of your life is worth any kind of agony."

Otabek didn't know what to say. It made sense, everything Yuri had just said. Every word, every syllable fell in place like the pieces of a puzzle and still - the image that showed itself as the result was still so wrong, so obnoxious, so cruel. How could he not know what to say or what to do when Yuri had just unveiled that he had sacrificed himself to keep Otabek alive? The only thing he felt he was capable of was sitting there and stare at this terrible smile, slowly processing the hell Yuri had gone through for him. And he felt guilty. So in the end, he closed his eyes, leaning into the gentle touch of Yuri's fingers and whisper: "I'm sorry." And: "Thank you."

Unexpectedly Yuri chuckled and withdrew his hand, only to pull Otabek in a chummy hug. "You're welcome", he laughed, his berry-sweet breath on Otabek's lips as the blonde pressed his forehead against Otabek's jaw. "I'm just glad I have you back in all your stoic, cute awkwardness." He sat up again and disheveled Otabek's hair with both hands.

("What in the name of God are you doing?!"

Yuri stares at him with glittering eyes, kneeling next to him on his couch, his hands still in Otabek's messed up hair. His grin is so wide that Otabek can not even be annoyed about how Yuri just ruined his hair completely. And that's noteworthy because Otabek is usually not the type to be very squeamish when it's about his appearance, but his hair! His hair is important and so wiry it's really hard to tame. He had to experiment a lot before he found a haircut that worked with his super thick locks and it still takes some effort to make him look presentable. And Yuri ruined it all in mere seconds with nothing more than his pretty fingers and nothing but mischief on his mind.

"I always wanted to do that", he smirks contently and then he almost gives Otabek a heart attack by burying his face in Otabek's hair. The Kazakh stares at the thin collarbones under the loose Heaven Shall Burn T-Shirt with cut-off sleeves right before his eyes. And Yuri's throat. And the bony chest, that swells with the deep inhale that follows. Yuri's exhale is almost a rapt sigh whilst Otabek doesn't think he can ever focus on breathing again because after that moment when Yuri placed their hands on his hip just yesterday this is too much, too close, to intimate, too fucking much for his poor heart and especially too much for his goddamn libido to remain under control, for God's sake!

What happens is - nothing: somehow he manages to endure it, frowning, jaw clenching. He must look slightly annoyed now, because when Yuri backs away and sits on his calves he messes Otabek's hair up even more and laughs: "Oh, come on, grumpy cat! I just love your hair and how it smells, don't look at me like that. It just makes you look even more adorable when you scowl at me like that although I know that you can't be angry at me for more than two secon- WHA!" He yelps when Otabek jumps at him making a tangled chaos out of that golden strands. He knows Yuri's ticklish spots, but he knows no mercy and in the end Yuri begs him to stop almost unable to breathe between laughter.)

"You haven't changed at all", he said, his tears still shining on his reddened cheeks. His smile was so content now - so happy! - that it made Otabek smile as well, just a little.

"But you have", he replied. The rain sounded a little less threatening now, almost playful, drumming on the roof like going along with a melody they could not hear down there.

"Is that so?", Yuri asked tilting his head.

"Yes. You're even prettier." He noticed the tiny gasp but he didn't know if it meant something, or what. "On the outside", he added. "On the inside you're still the same edgy brat as usual."

They both laughed; Yuri deep and hoarse, Otabek lovestruck.

Yuri's hands combed Otabek's moist hair more or less back into place. Then his hands fell into his lap and his look onto Otabek's right lower arm. His smiled faded away, but not completely, a hint of it tugging on his pink lips. "When did you have it made?", he asked, his eyes following the lines of ink under the skin.

"Shortly after I arrived here in Moscow", Otabek answered. "Just two weeks ago. It's not healed completely, it still feels a little sensitive."

"You shouldn't have done that", Yuri said, looking up at him again, but Otabek shook his head.

"There's so much each of us should not have done, Yuri", he stated. "But what's done can't be undone. We just can try and make the most out of what we have."

Yuri huffed a laugh. "You still sound like a motto calendar."

"I'm serious."

"Of course you are. You always fucking are."

"I want to get you out of here, Yuri. Both of us."

Yuri sighed at that and fumbled the tie out of his half-wet bun. "You can't", he said, pulling here and there until the blonde strands came free in big messy curls. "I told you already. A thousand fucking times or something." He hiccuped. The tie came to lie on the sheets and he combed through his hair with his fingers carefully. "Maybe there's still a chance that you can get out of this, but I can't. I'm far too deep into this, this is my life now and it will always be."

"I'll find a way", Otabek hurried to say and he reached out to grab both Yuri's wrists.

The blonde looked up at him like a Boticelli painting, phantasmagorically beautiful. "There is no way."

"I'll find one", Otabek insisted. He would, he knew he would. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but he'd not rest until Yuri could take the bracelet off that shone so innocently on his right arm.

The boy sighed. "Listen, Otabek. I know you have the best intentions… but, you know… That will sound crazy now, but... I kinda like it like that. My life." He lowered his arms, the blonde strands framing his face in a plaiting so perfect in its disarray. "I'm… I wouldn't say that I'm happy… Or maybe I am now that I know that you are alright. But the least I can say is that I got used to this life. I mean, you know, I have a home. I have something like a family. I have money and food and a car and a pet… Well, no, not a pet, but that's the thing: I can get a new one anytime, an ocelot or a puma or a lynx or even a fucking snow leopard. I have more designer clothes than I could ever dream of, I have the crème de la crème of EDM playing for me, I can afford more cocaine than you can imagine if I want it-"

"But you're not happy."

Yuri faltered. "I wasn't. I am now."

The emotions swirled in Otabek's chest. "Why now?"

"Because… because you are fine."

That was it. "Because I'm here."

Yuri nodded. "Because you're here", he echoed. When Otabek just looked at him it seemed to click. With half a shake of his head Yuri wet his lips with the tip of his tongue. "You… you wouldn't leave me, would you?"

"Of course I wouldn't", Otabek said frowning. "I can't. I don't want to. I swore to save you."

"But I don't want you to save me!", Yuri objected. "I just want you to stay with me!" He looked around. "We'll make this a place for you to live. Or we'll find you another place. Somewhere nice, somewhere where we can be together-"

"When daddy isn't looking."

"-when daddy…" Eyes wide with comprehension Yuri looked at him again.

"I'd be your secret." Yuri was speechless, so Otabek continued: "We'd share this place. Sometimes. Rarely or occasionally, in rainy nights like these, the few hours between midnight and dawn. But only when you can sneak out of the 'shade and out of his sight, like his little toy, like his little pet, daddy's little kitten. Always expecting that he sends someone after you. Always afraid that he will find out. Always afraid that he will do what to you, to me, to us? Punish you for being disobedient? Kill me for playing with his kitten? Separate us - again?" Yuri gasped. "Aren't you afraid? Aren't you scared, right now, that he will find out and let them finish what they started three years ago? Because I am. I am so scared, Yuri, that he will hurt you, that he will do something to you, anything. I just want to grab your hand and run, run as far as I can and be with you. If you only let me."

Yuri slumped, his shoulders hanging. After a moment he looked up at him again. "He'll find us", he said and by the resignation in his voice Otabek could tell that it was probably true. "He'll find us and he'll do things to us that words cannot describe. I can't risk that something happens to you because of me again. Not again." He sighed once more. "We just have to be careful, as careful as one can be. There's a secret exit from my apartment that I can use, one with no cameras. I can come here when he's away. On the weekends or when he's with his family on holidays. It's like you said: rarely or occasionally, in rainy nights, at midnight, mere minutes. But we'll be careful and he will never know. And in the end it will all add up to hours and days and weeks that we will have spent together alive and well and... " He bit his lip to hide his smile. "Just the two of us. You and me. You and me together in a way that I had given up already. Like a miracle, like a dream come true." He chuckled. "Like a fairytale that no one ever knew. No one but us, Otabek. Just you and me. Please."

And the way Yuri looked at him he could only nod. If this was the Yuri he'd see in those nights, he'd ask for nothing more. It was all he needed.