His fingers around the metal of the Audi's passenger door hurt. He found himself staring at the door Yuri had disappeared through. If he had stood there for seconds or hours he couldn't tell. The exhaustion of the day didn't allow him to keep track of the time that had passed since the echo of the sound that Yuri's black heeled boots had produced had vanished into the cold air. And it didn't end there. He found himself unable to figure out what he had to do now. It was like he had fallen through the frozen surface of a lake that surrounded him with dark, icy water. It stunned him. Wiped all rational thought from his mind. He could only stand there, grasping the metal, and feel left behind.

In the distance the traffic could be heard and in the end it was that sound that woke him up. He was tired, he wanted to go home. Lay down in his blank, cold, dark room and sleep and hopefully forget this terrible, terrible day. All the things that had happened today seemed so far away now, but not far away enough to let him forget this emptiness in his chest.

He had waited for Yuri. Because it was the right thing to do. And he knew Yuri had gone through hell. But the way he had not taken Otabek's hand when he had emerged from the Belyj residence and not smiled at him before the drug had started to take effect, this distance Yuri had created, it bothered Otabek. It hurt him. How could he sleep peacefully when he didn't know if Yuri still loved him. How could he not doubt when everyone could touch him, kiss him, hold him, but not Otabek who needed him the most. Had he not made himself clear enough? Had Yuri not understood that if he didn't love him that Otabek could as well have died back then? Could he not see how much he hurt him? Sure, he had taken his hand, but only after he'd had time enough to let the cocaine do its work. And what did that mean even? Was what he had told him, all the promises that he had made, all the hope he had given him, was any of that honest? What of that had been said by Katyusha? What by Yuri? What was real?

When his look fell on the seat of the R8, right where Yuri had sat, a faint glitter caught his eye. The phial sat there, innocent. Like it had nothing to do with all of this. And at that Otabek felt anger rise in his chest. Something black that had been there for so long. He grabbed the sparkly little thing and slammed the door of the car shut.

The codes came to his mind naturally. The day of Nikolai's death. His own birthday. He typed it in mechanically without noting the meaning. He didn't want to intrude Yuri's space. But he didn't know what else to do. He needed to know. Why did you avoid me? What is real? Do you really love me?

He knocked on the door of Yuri's apartment, then pressed the handle down. Grasping the phial in his left fist he slowly pushed the door open. Beyond it the apartment looked abandoned.

Only after closing the door carefully he called out. "Yuri?" There was no answer. Maybe he was asleep already? "Yuri?", he tried again, advancing into the flat. Through the large windows the soft blue of the new day illuminated the elegant furnishing.

Maybe it could wait after all, he thought as he looked around, listening closely if there was any sound that indicated that Yuri was awake and had merely not heard him. The boy must be just as tired as Otabek if not more. It wouldn't be a surprise if Yuri had gone to bed already. And maybe he should do the same. Maybe after a good night's sleep his doubt would turn out to be nothing but a jinx of his own sleep deprived mind. He'd just leave this damn phial on the table and hope to never see it again.

But as he headed over to the living room he saw Yuri's jacket. It had been dropped on the floor, like Yuri had just shed it from his shoulders carelessly. With a frown Otabek picked it up from where it laid at the foot of the stairs. His eyes wandered up the stairs, one after the other and then, at the top, there was a slim leg in a heeled boot peeking over the corner. With a gasp Otabek hurried upstairs, taking two steps at a time. Halfway up he froze. The jacket fell to the floor without a sound, the phial with a low clink.

Yuri was curled on the floor, his long limbs sprawled like he had been struck by lightning, one lower leg hanging over the topmost stair uncomfortably. His eyes were open and staring into the void. His shirt was unbuttoned. When he hurried over Otabek could see scratches from fingernails on Yuri's pale chest.

"Yuri", he whispered, then louder "Yuri!"

Tourmalines shifted. It took a second before Yuri seemed to recognize him and his eyes widened in shock.

"No!", he screeched making Otabek stop two meters away from him. He struggled to get up but only managed to crawl away from him, bringing more distance between them. "Stay away from me!"

Otabek's hands balled into fists. "Yuri", he whispered once more. "It's me." Cautiously he made another step towards Yuri, but the boy noticed and dragged his legs closer.

"I said stay away!" He sat up, shaking, never looking away from Otabek like he was dangerous. Like he could hurt him. Like he was a threat.

It hurt so much inside.

"I know why you're here", Yuri hissed. His voice was sharp and cold, drug-induced. "I know what you want. You're all the same."

Otabek sank to his knees. He felt weak. Defeated. "Yuri, please-", he begged, but Yuri didn't even let him finish.

"You thought I wouldn't know, didn't you. You thought you were so smart coming up here. Like you were the first to come up with such a clever plan. But y'know what? I've seen it all before." He laughed and it was loud and clear and terrible.

"Yuri-"

"You underestimated me!", he called out, sitting up. With slender fingers he pushed the fabric of the shirt aside. The material fell from his skinny shoulders, hanging from his arms like a saint's stole. The scratches stood out from his pale skin red and angry. It looked like Yuri might as well have caused them himself trying to get rid of the shirt. "I'm out of your league, Erasyl! I'm the most expensive whore in Moscow. In all Russia even! And I am the best! No one has taken as much as I did, no one has done what I did! I know this place and I know how it works. Because I have created this and made them all my toys! You have no idea what this body is! How many have fucked me, how many thought they dominated me when they sat in the palm of my hand like puppets! I'm a god! And I played all of them! They all crawl before me! They all kneel when I suck them dry! Their power crumbles to dust when they cum inside me! They are nothing but weaklings when I milk every last drop out of them!"

"Stop it", Otabek whispered, but Yuri didn't hear him.

"When they slap my ass, when they pull my hair and drive their cocks down my throat, I am the one with power! Every spurt of cum on my face! Every stain!"

"Stop it…"

"It's all just proof of what I achieved! It's all proof of what I've become. I'm dirty. I'm dirty because I worked so hard for it. I'm…" A sob made Yuri's voice break. He wiped the tears from his eyes with an angry gesture. "I'm nothing but filth…", he whispered hoarsely. His shoulders slouched like all strength had left his body. "I'm disgusting-"

"Stop it, Yuri, please!" He was there, by Yuri's side, in a second. Ready to pull the skinny boy in his embrace and hold him, hold him until this was all over, until everything was alright again. But Yuri didn't let him - again. His body stiffened and he wrapped his arms around his upper body to shield himself from Otabek.

"Don't touch me", he whispered, making Otabek freeze in his motion. "You'll only get dirty."

And with that Otabek wrapped his arms around him, pulling Yuri against his chest. "I don't care", he spoke into the messy blonde hair, pulled Yuri even closer. "I don't care what you think you are. I'm here. I'll stay with you. Please, let me." He pulled away, holding Yuri at arm's length. "I didn't come here to… to do things to you", he explained watching the tears glitter on Yuri's cheeks. "I came here because I care for you. Because I'm worried. And I'm scared. And because I need you to tell me that you love me. Because I felt so… lonely. When you just left me behind. So cold. I couldn't just leave. I can't just… leave… without knowing you are safe."

For a moment Yuri only stared at him. "So", he then said, slowly, as if he was still thinking about it, "you didn't come because you wanna fuck me?"

"No", Otabek said, then bit his lip. How could Yuri think that of him?

"Hmmm", Yuri hummed. His eyes drifted to where Otabek's hands were on his upper arms. "Then could you… maybe… not touch me?"

As an answer Otabek let go of Yuri immediately. "I'm sorry", he murmured. "I just don't think that you are… filthy." It was hard to say the word out loud. Because he knew Yuri wasn't. He was as pure as can be, even if Otabek was the only one who could see it.

Yuri hummed again. "I am", he pointed out. "Sticky. I have her… fluids… all over my body. I'd…" He looked up to Otabek again with a faint glimmer in his eyes. "I'd like to take a bath."

Otabek stared back at him for a moment before realizing what Yuri was referring to. Eva Mikhailova. After all those hours of being used it wasn't far fetched that Yuri felt uncomfortable. "Of course", he hurried to say, "I'll pour one for you."

"Good." Getting up trembling like a newborn fawn Yuri shrugged the shirt off and turned towards the bedroom. Otabek followed him keeping a distance. His eyes were glued to the eagle and the diamond on Yuri's lower back. The sight gave him a headache and he was relieved when he could turn away and enter the spacious bathroom.

His shoulders hurt when he took off his own coat and jacket and placed them on the toilet lid, but at least the warm light of the bathroom lamps made the world appear a little warmer. He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up and tried out the golden handles of the faucet. After some seconds the water came hot, steam floating through the room as the porcelain tub slowly filled. Otabek stared down on the steaming surface, his mind just as foggy.

What hurt the most was how Yuri had called him Erasyl. He hadn't even said his name since he had picked him up from the Belyj residence. And it was no wonder. Otabek didn't know himself who he was anymore. Maybe he really wasn't Otabek anymore. Perhaps he had turned into Erasyl without even noticing. Maybe he had lost what had been left of him after he had woken up from the come. Little things, unnoticed. Eating his mother's beshbarmak. Wearing cable knit sweaters to keep him warm in winter. Being yelled at by his coach for overrotating his jumps. Calling Yuri late at night and talk until the sun rose over the mountains. Things that had made this human being Otabek. Khaligaz, Almaty. His family. They were gone. His confidence. His hope. His name. All he was made of now was worry and fear and this pain that just wouldn't stop. A pain that sat in his chest and bloomed in his head, cut into his finger, crusty from blood, throbbing. Maybe this was Erasyl now. And that voice in his head had been Otabek all along. Or what was left of him. The fragments of a person he used to be, back then in another life that seemed to be nothing but a distant dream. And maybe after everything was said and done it didn't matter who he was. If he was Erasyl now it was fine too. Not that he could change anything about it. He could as well just accept that he had become this cold, hopeless, aching creature. There was no place in this world for Otabek Altin.

The water had filled the tub by now and Otabek twitched, then bent over to turn the faucet off. The smears of blood on his hands looked gross against the gold of the handles. But that was him now. He didn't rinse it off before heading over to the bedroom.

In the blueish light of the bedroom Yuri looked paler than ever. He sat on the edge of the mattress, rolling a thin brownish cigarette between thumb and index finger and, as he saw Otabek approaching, took a short draw of it. The sting of the smoke told Otabek that it wasn't regular tobacco in the translucent paper.

"What are you doing?", he asked nevertheless.

With a slight frown Yuri tilted his head. "Need to come down", he said like it was obvious.

Otabek exhaled slowly to remain his composure. "Your bath", he said, his voice without any expression.

Putting down the joint in the ashtray of the bedside table Yuri got up. How he could be still so gracious after everything he had consumed was beyond Otabek who tried hard now to stare at Yuri's white neck as the boy pushed his hair behind his shoulders. He approached Otabek who stood like petrified and tilted his head.

"This", he said and held out a key to Otabek, "is for the other entrance of this apartment. You leave on the regular way, with the elevator, so you are recorded by the security cameras. You leave the car park, head down the street until there's a small backstreet. The building is a different one, light gray with a printer shop in the basement. You go to the door on the right. The code is 5413. You take the freight elevator to the topmost floor. Hidden behind a corner on the left there's a door. Unlock it with this key. Then go up the stairs another two floors. There's another door. It's the one in the closet. No one will see you. No one will know you are here." He pressed the key in Otabek's hand. "Now hurry. I'll wait for you."

Otabek didn't waste a second. He took his jacket and coat, getting into one then the other as he was already running down the stairs of Yuri's apartment.

The elevator took way too long to open, then even longer to descend. Otabek tried not to look too nervous as he fiddled with the key in his pocket. Finally the bell rang and the door slid open.

He found himself confronted with a familiar face.

"Oh!", Aljosha said in surprise. "Erasyl. Didn't expect to see someone else here this early."

It was hard not to panic. "Good morning", he managed to get out, the key between his fingers a ton heavy.

"What are you doing here this early a time?"

"I…" The blood rushed in his ears. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't tell Aljosha that he had been with Yuri all night, that he was on his way to take a secret passageway because the boy was waiting for him. He couldn't lie about not having been up there at all either, not with everything recorded by the surveillance cameras. The elevator was most likely tracked as well, so they could find out how long he had been up there, and that he had not simply accompanied Yuri to make sure he arrived home safe. How long had he been up there anyway? Half an hour? Longer? That way or the other it was way too much time to just pretend he had merely dropped of the phial with Yuri's cocaine. "I just…"

"Are you okay, Erasyl?", Aljosha said and crinkled his eyebrows. "You look like shit." His face lit up with comprehension. "Did Katyusha have a long night and forced you along? I guess being the kitten's driver has its downsides, right? Has someone told you he once started a fire in his kitchen? You really need to keep an eye on him, especially when he's high. It's a hard job you have with him for sure."

"Yes", Otabek finally said, slouching his shoulders. "He's… high maintenance." He startled when Aljosha laughed too loud and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Do me a favour and take a taxi home, you shouldn't ride your bike in your condition. The ride's safe here. Now go get some rest, you look like you need it."

"Thank you", Otabek replied and got out of the elevator, letting Aljosha in.

"See you around", he heard Aljosha call, then the elevator doors slid shut.

It felt like terrible pressure was released from Otabek's chest. His heart hammered like an engine and his shoulders felt awfully stiff. He just hoped that no one would be suspicious about what he had done up there with Katyusha. Gritting his teeth he exited the building and crossed the car park.

The way Yuri had described was somehow accurate, and it took Otabek mere minutes even by walking. When he checked his phone he realized it was already seven in the morning. That at least explained why Aljosha had been around already. He decided to look into the working schedules of the bratva people around here in detail as soon as possible. Furthermore he needed to research about drugs and find out how he could expect Yuri to behave under their influence. He had a basic knowledge about certain substances, mostly because he had to avoid those at all costs when he had been a professional athlete so that he was not accused of doping. He couldn't be sure though that Yuri would stop at cocaine and weed. By God, he couldn't even be sure that Yuri would be honest about the issue if he asked him directly. So all he could do was prepare for the worst and hope for the best. He didn't think Yuri would do H or even meth. He needed to consider the possibility though, even if it hurt.

He found the printer's shop and the next door immediately. There were some people around, the regular early morning commute likely, and with his formal coat and suit he blended in with the people on their way to work. The door opened after he had typed the code Yuri had told him into the pad and he found himself in a hallway that looked like he had come through the back door of the building. The freight elevator was on the right and opened immediately as he pressed the button with his knuckle so he didn't leave any fingerprints. The ride to the topmost floor was quiet, only the low hum of the elevator audible. The light in the elevator was dim. Otabek's headache came back and he clasped the key in his pocket so hard his hand hurt. When he clenched his other hand too the wound on his ring finger burned.

The elevator didn't even make a sound. It just stopped and the door opened. When they closed behind Otabek after he had stepped out and pressed the button for the first floor to send the elevator back down in order not so make people suspicious he found himself in a dark hallway littered with boxes and shelves. With a sigh he whipped his phone out of the pocket and activated the flashlight. Water had damaged some of the boxes, making the cardboard swelling to twice its original thickness. There was dust and dirt coating the shelves and their contents, making it look like no one had been up here to look at them in a long time. The floor was dirty, bare concrete. Here and there there were paper sheets, the ink faded and smudged. From the layout it could be contracts or documents of some sort. Looking around Otabek spotted a double-winged metal door. The sign on it read 'Archive', but the dust piling up on the floor in front of it hinted that there hadn't been anyone in there for a very long time.

It took Otabek a few moments until he spotted the door Yuri had mentioned. It was indeed hidden behind a corner, impossible to spot if you didn't actively look for it. Otabek really wanted to find out what kind of documents had been abandoned up here, what kind of building this was, but he shook off the thought. Yuri was waiting for him. And with his headache it probably wasn't the smartest idea to go through old documents with only the light his phone provided.

With a soft sound the key slid into the lock of the hidden door. It turned without much effort, then the door swung open quietly. Carefully Otabek stepped inside, then made sure to lock the door behind him thoroughly again. In the sparse light of his phone he found himself confronted with a narrow stairway, the stairs of the same bare concrete as the building he had come from. There was no handrail, no lamps, not even spiderwebs or dust collecting in the corners. The air tasted thin and stale on his tongue, going well with the throbbing behind his forehead and the exhaustion of his entire body. He climbed the stairs that seemed to go on, more and more, endlessly, only darkness awaiting him as he ascended. It made him feel like he was underground although his legs started hurting from climbing stair after stair. Having started to count the stairs as he walked he found himself numbly staring at his feet after some time. He couldn't remember how far he had counted. Seventeen maybe. Or twentyfive? There was no sound, only his breathing and the sound of his boots on the stairs sounding hollow in his ears. He frowned, his head hurting even more as his eyebrows crinkled. It was hard to breathe in here. He felt like he was hurrying, but there were just more stairs peeling themselves from the darkness ahead. His knees hurt. Yuri had said it was two floors he had to climb. How far had he come by now? Why hadn't he counted the stairs?

He jumped when suddenly there was a door appearing in front of him out of nowhere. Otabek stared at the pale metal and the door stared back at him. Reaching out he placed his left hand on the smooth surface. Surprisingly the door wasn't cold. It felt pleasantly warm under his blood stained fingers. Like it's stare wasn't judging him. But welcoming him.

"I'm here for Yuri", Erasyl's said, placing his palm on the metal door softly. His voice echoed in his head but the darkness of the stairway and the thin air swallowed the sound. Or maybe he hadn't even said it out loud. The door didn't respond either way. Instead it revealed a lock on the right edge. Perhaps it had been there all along. Otabek couldn't tell with his headache pressing against his forehead from the inside.

Slowly he took the key from his pocket and slid it into the lock. It fit in just as effortlessly as before. There was no handle, just a little notch, wide enough to fit three fingers and Otabek pressed against the door right above it. The door swung open with a tiny creak. When he stepped through it, everything changed.

It was still dark here. But the air was warm and sweet, smelling like honey and lavender and laundry detergent. Otabek reached out and pushed the hangers aside, his hand brushing against silk and velvet and soft wool. He closed the door behind him and locked it before stepping through the closet.

Exhaustion dragged on his shoulders as he let himself be surrounded by the warmth and darkness of Yuri's wardrobe. The scent was so pleasant he could as well just lay down and fall asleep. There was perfume in the air and the scent of freshly washed and dried clothes and something so distinctively Yuri that he felt like he must be dreaming. He wanted to stay here. It was so comfortable to just stand here. Whenever he moved there was the light touch of cashmere and silk and fur, like gentle fingers caressing him. How wonderful would it be to just drop to the floor and sleep. He wanted to sleep so badly.

He made a step, running his hand over the the clothes draped over the hangers. His headache pierced through his head. In the light of his phone he saw a shimmer of light pink silk, but with his fingers still dirty from his blood he didn't dare to touch it. He was sure it was the light pink dress that Yuri had wore for the ballet. He had looked so beautiful in it. Ethereal. His prominent collarbones casting shadows on his pale chest. The curve of his white neck so elegant. Otabek sighed.

The sound of splashing water had him back in the reality in an instant. Right, Yuri was waiting for him. He had poured him a bath before he had left. How long had it been? Ten minutes maybe, or longer? He couldn't tell. Hopefully the water hadn't cooled down already. Yuri said he'd wait for him. How long had he waited? Had he finished the joint in the meantime? Had he come down from the cocaine? Had he gotten into the tub already, his long limbs relaxing in the hot water, his eyes drifting shut in bliss, a small smile on his lips as the other drug lulled him asleep. And then, the sound of splashing water.

Panic hit Otabek before he could even make sense of what he was thinking. He hurried to the left where he remembered the door of the closet being, ripping it open. It only took him a split second to regain his orientation.

On the right he could see steam coming from the half closed door of the bathroom. His heart beat so fast he wasn't sure if it hadn't stopped entirely, his pulse an indecipherable humming in his chest. With not more than a few fast steps he was over there, steam bulging into his face as he pushed the door open, then he froze.

The first thought that appeared to him was how beautiful Yuri was. His eyes were closed and his face utterly relaxed just as the rest of his body. The red scratches on his chest had flushed even more from the heat of the water, and he looked even more fragile with them spoiling the flawlessness of his fair skin. His hair was floating around his face like clouds illuminated by soft sunlight, a shimmer of gold hovering softly in the steaming water. He looked like an angel, sleeping underwater, the blur of the steam and the ripples on the water making him look surreal. Otabek couldn't breathe. And then everything happened really fast.

The phone and the key Yuri had entrusted to him landed on the white bath mat without a sound and a moment later Otabek was in the tub, his knees left and right to Yuri's hips, grabbing the skinny shoulders and lifting him out of the water. His skin felt warm, like he was still alive. But of course the water had kept his body warm. It soaked through his clothes, hot on his skin, flowing off Yuri's face and hair and chest, splattering back into the tub almost drowning out Otabek's voice when he yelped Yuri's name.

And then Yuri looked up at him, exhaling hastily, and grinned but Otabek's heart didn't start beating for another moment.

His body convulsed as he pulled Yuri close, buried his face in the wet hair, clasping his arms so tight around the skinny body but he didn't care if he hurt him. A painful sob crept from his throat, and then a second one, louder, almost a scream.

Yuri's hands came to lie on his back, feather light, just like his voice. "Otabek", he murmured, his tone irritated and concerned. "Otabek, what…"

"What are you doing?!", he interrupted Yuri, holding him even closer. His tears burned in his eyes and the heat didn't go away when they mingled with the water in Yuri's thick wet strands. His head hurt like it had been cut open with a knife; it was nothing compared with the pain in his chest.

Yuri chuckled. The sound was so wrong it made Otabek howl in agony. "I can hold my breath over a minute", he said, nonchalantly. When Otabek just winced the amusement vanished from his voice. "Otabek", he murmured, trying to free himself from the tight embrace, but Otabek didn't let him. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Otabek just shook his head. He couldn't talk. He couldn't explain. Not right now. Right now he had to hold Yuri. Listen to his heartbeat. Feel him breathe. Feel him squirm in his arms until he gave up and just held onto him lightly.

For a moment he had thought he had lost Yuri. For a moment it had looked like he had come too late. Like he had let Yuri alone, tired and high and careless, drowning in his tub and not even noticing. His face had looked so peaceful. As if he had left all the fatigue and pain and sorrow behind. Like he had let the struggle go and found rest. Like Otabek had let it happen. It had only been a moment until Yuri had opened his eyes and grinned at him, proud how long he could hold his breath under water, but nothing had ever hurt Otabek that much. The pain was so overwhelming it just wouldn't stop, not even after Yuri was alive and well and his fingers ran over Otabek's shoulders in an attempt to calm him down. It hurt so much inside, realizing that he could have lost him so easily.

"It's alright", Yuri whispered. His fingers kept dancing on Otabek's shoulder blades, muted by the fabric of his clothes. "Everything's alright. I'm here, Otabek, I'm here. And you are. We both are. It's okay. It's okay." He kept muttering sweets words, caressing Otabek lightly and after what felt like an eternity Otabek felt his breath evening out. The tension in his shoulders decreased and he didn't cling onto Yuri quite that painfully. The sobs didn't hurt that much anymore. The tears didn't burn. But they didn't stop entirely either.

"Now look at you", Yuri murmured, still gently stroking Otabek's back, then backing away a little to run his fingers through the black hair. "So hurt, so tired. So scared. But you don't need to be. I'll take care of you. I'm here for you." He looked at him for a moment, silently combing through Otabek's hair. It felt good. Yuri's hands and Yuri's voice. He closed his eyes, shivering.

"You're so good", Yuri continued. "So good. How about we get you out of those wet things, hm?"

Otabek nodded. The motion made heavy tears fall from his lashes but he sat back and let Yuri peel his coat from his shoulders. The fabric must be heavy from water, but Yuri didn't let it show when he let the coat drop outside the tub. "That's better", he murmured, then proceeded to the jacket. It landed on the coat with a wet sound. Yuri turned to him, looking him up and down but Otabek hardly noticed. He was aware that Yuri was naked underneath him, but he couldn't think about it. The pain in his chest was still too present.

Almost unnoticeable Yuri's fingers danced over the fabric of Otabek's dress shirt, up the sleeves, then over the leather of the gun holster and up to his neck. "Come here", he whispered and pulled Otabek close who let it happen, his arms wrapping around Yuri again but without any strength. "I scared you, didn't I?", he guessed and Otabek nodded weakly. "I'm sorry, Otabek. I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention. Did you think I was drowning?" Another nod made him sigh deeply against Otabek's shoulder. "Oh, my sweet, stupid Otabek." He pressed a kiss on Otabek's temple and then another one. "I'm so sorry."

Thinking of it brought another sob from Otabek's throat. "I thought I was too late", he managed to say with a raspy voice. "I thought I had lost you."

"I'm sorry", Yuri repeated and pulled him closer.

They remained like that for some time, silent. And then, slowly, the pain in Otabek's chest lessened. It didn't disappear entirely but by the time the water had cooled down enough to make him feel uncomfortable it had diminished enough to make him notice the goosebumps on Yuri's arms. He stirred in Yuri's arms and the boy let go of him, smiling softly when he looked him in the eyes.

"Let's get you out of the water", Yuri said, his voice low and soft as velvet.

The water draining from his clothes was noisy falling back into the tub when Otabek got up slowly, his body stiff and shivering from cold and exhaustion. Yuri watched him, sitting up on the edge of the tub. The water swirled down the drain after Yuri had pulled the plug, adding to the sound of droplets falling from Otabek's soaked clothing.

"Can you hand me the towel?", he asked and Otabek got out of the tub, reaching for the white towel on the small cabinet next to the door. He froze when he realized what a mess he was making on the bathroom floor, his clothes still leaking water that already had formed an expanding puddle around his feet.

"Don't worry", Yuri said, wringing water from his hair. "We'll clean that up tomorrow, together, okay?"

Otabek nodded and finally handed Yuri the towel. His head felt fuzzy, like it was filled with cotton.

"Just get out of those clothes", Yuri said, getting up and wrapping himself in the massive towel he had unfolded before stepping out of the tub himself. "I'll get you another towel and fetch you some dry clothes you can sleep in." He opened the cabinet behind him and handed Otabek another towel. The soft smile was still on his lips. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Otabek nodded and watched him leave through the door that led to the walk in closet. The thought that Yuri would give him something to wear from the same closet he had come through made him clench his fist. Thinking about the softness and warmth of the closet made him realize how cold he was, so he decided to follow Yuri's advice and with shivering fingers started to undress.

He had managed to put down the gun holster complete with the Grach on the cabinet and get out of his dress shirt when Yuri was back.

"Here", he said and put what looked like a plain black T-shirt and jerseys on the edge of the sink, then grabbing the hairbrush from the small board under the mirror. "I'll wait over there", gesturing to the bedroom. But instead of leaving again he looked Otabek over, then huffed a soft laugh and came over. His hand felt soft and warm on Otabek's bare upper arm. "Is this a thing we do now?", he murmured, his eyes on how Otabek's undershirt clung to his abs and his pants to his legs. "Helping each other out with dry clothes after we got soaked. Like the other day when we were drenched by the rain and you took me home and got me dry clothes." He looked up to Otabek's face, then stretched and kissed his lips softly. Otabek didn't have a chance to respond though. Yuri broke the kiss right away. "I never wanted to make you cry", he whispered, placing his hand on Otabek's cheek. "Please stay with me and let me take care of you. Let me make up to you for scaring you. Let me kiss you to sleep, just for tonight."

Inhaling shakily Otabek nodded. "Is that all though?", he croaked, his fingers trembling. He couldn't do more. He couldn't do things to Yuri. He couldn't have sex with him. The mere thought made his insides ache. "Please, Yuri", he whispered, not sure what the boy expected from him. "I can't satisfy you. I'm not... " He grit his teeth painfully.

"Don't." Soft fingers caressed his cheek. "I just want to hold you", Yuri said his smile a little sad now. "I just want to make sure you're safe."

"Are we?" The thought hadn't come to him before. Sure, he had come up here taking the backdoor, the secret way, but what if someone else came here and caught them? What if someone came to see Yuri and found them together? After what Sergej had done Orlov sure was cautious. If he sent someone to check on his Katyusha, or even came to do so himself, he'd be dead. He dropped his shirt and grasped Yuri's hand with both of his. "Are we safe here?", he pressed. "How can you be so sure?"

But Yuri just smiled. "I promise", he said. "No one will hurt you. You're safe here. We both are. You can trust me."

"But… What if he suspects something? What if he comes to see you? He didn't catch Sergej, but what if he comes to see if I do the same Sergej did?"

"If this is about Anatolij… He doesn't know about Sergej."

Otabek frowned. "What do you mean, he doesn't know?"

Yuri chuckled. "He doesn't know I let Sergej up. Let him in. I never told him. He has no idea."

That information left Otabek speechless for a moment. A shiver ran down his spine as he stared at Yuri in disbelief.

"Look,", Yuri explained and tilted his head, "I didn't do it to protect Sergej. Or to keep it a secret from Anatolij. It just would have been stupid to tell him and make him aware of the freedom Sergej had. That in his position he had opportunities to make more of his obsession with me than just collecting photos from when I was still acting in the videos. That he actually did seize those opportunities and fuck me whenever he could. Because it had made Daddy furious. And it had made him keep an eye on you, more than he probably does already. I'm not stupid enough to give him any more reasons to keep me under surveillance, or you, or both of us. So I didn't tell him, even after you idiots came running to his office and told him about the pictures you found at Sergej's place. Which had me almost punch you in the face and Boris too for being so fucking stupid, by the way." He laughed, then leaned in and kissed Otabek's lower lip. "I know you did what you thought was the right thing to keep me safe and protect me. Even if it was stupid. So don't judge me for doing the same thing: I didn't tell him so he wouldn't have a reason to mistrust you. I did it to make sure you aren't in danger. So I can have you here without anyone ever considering the possibility. Without anyone ever coming up with the idea that I could keep you so close." He looked up at Otabek again. "So. Will you stay?"

The glimmer in Yuri's eyes made Otabek smile, although it felt strange after all that had happened this night. "Okay", he replied and leaned down to kiss Yuri.

Yuri left the bathroom with a smile and the elegant sway of his slender hips despite how the drugs must still affect him. The smile on Otabek's lips stayed in place as well as he finally peeled the soggy clothes from his cold skin, then toweled himself dry. The clothes Yuri had left on the sink for him felt warm and soft against his skin, the shirt a size too tight but he couldn't care less. He straightened the fabric over his chest when his eyes fell on the wound on his left ring finger. The incident in the tub had washed away the blood and dirt from his hand, making the wound look fresh and red. It hurt a little, he noticed, but everything hurt a little and some things a little more. His heart and his head and his insides. But it was okay in the end.

He came to the bedroom and found Yuri in a white shirt that was at least two sizes too big, making it slip from his shoulder. He looked up from brushing his hair and smiled a tired smile. Otabek smiled back at him, then came over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it just as Yuri put the hair brush on the nightstand.

"Is this okay?", Otabek asked keeping his voice low.

Yuri didn't answer, at least not with words. Instead he sank back onto the white sheets, pulling Otabek into his arms and wrapping the both of them in the soft blanket. Otabek's head came to rest on Yuri's shoulder and the boy started caressing the short hair of his undercut with gentle fingers.

"Can I ask you something?", Yuri muttered after a while, his voice making his chest vibrate a little.

"Of course."

Yuri hesitated for a moment, then went on: "Why did you choose that name? Erasyl."

With a hum Otabek thought for a moment. It felt like it had been ages since he had arranged things with Nad to get a new identity. He wondered how the tattoo artist was doing. And her little pet bunnies. Had he ever expressed his gratitude for everything she and her friends had done to him? Getting him new papers, getting him the tattoo. He looked down on the ink decorating his right arm that he had wrapped loosely around Yuri's ribcage. "I was used to the name already", he eventually explained. "If I had chosen another name perhaps I would not have reacted if someone called me by that name. By going by Erasyl I could be sure that I'd be convincing."

"I see", Yuri said slowly. His fingers played with one of the longer strands of Otabek's hair. He felt the light tug, right where the scar was hidden under his hair. There was no way Yuri was doing it on purpose, but it felt to Otabek that maybe it wasn't entirely coincidental that he got reminded of the night of the attack like this.

"It's what Khaligaz called you", Yuri murmured, more a statement than a question and Otabek nodded lightly. "It means 'Noble Hero'. I asked her about it. She said that she has called you that since you were children. And then she said that she knew how much I loved you. Back then, when I came visit you in Almaty. When I had just figured out myself how massive a crush I had on you." He chuckled. "She knew already. And she told me that you are worth it. That she didn't call you Erasyl for no reason." There was a pause and then Yuri concluded: "She was right. You live up to your reputation. Even now. Especially now. Do you mind if I call you Erasyl?"

Otabek closed his eyes. Yuri felt bony and warm next to him. His scent was honey and almond. That hadn't changed. "I don't know", he confessed, feeling the fabric of Yuri's shirt against his lips as he spoke. "There's so many things I can't do. I want to protect you, but I fail again and again. That's not what a hero does - fail people. Fail the one person who matters."

"And you don't", Yuri cut in. "You never failed me, Otabek-"

"But Erasyl does!" He sat up, his shoulders felt stiff all of a sudden, his breath hitched. "He is supposed to protect you! But he keeps ruining it. He can't do anything to save you. And if he can't… how could I? He's the strong one." His exhale didn't only release his breath but also the sudden anger that had built up in his chest. He was too tired to be angry now. But that didn't change the fact that in the end Khaligaz might have been wrong. There was nothing noble about him and nothing heroic. Maybe it was nothing but irony that of all names he could have chosen he had picked the one that didn't fit him in the least.

"Otabek", Yuri said, sitting up as well, and when he didn't say anything, because he couldn't stop thinking about how he didn't deserve the name, he said it again, more severely: "Otabek!"

He looked up at the green eyes that seemed to look right into his heart.

"You're here", Yuri said, softer now and took his hands. "You get that? You are here, with me. You came here, against all odds, to find me. You got yourself involved with the fucking mafia because you love me. You stood your ground against a vor vzakone who could easily crush you and became my personal driver. You got yourself hurt, again and again, just to stay close to me. You pulled me out of the water when you thought I was drowning. You were ready to cut off your finger when Anatolij asked you for it. You were there for me when Reaper ate the coke and you were there for me when I stumbled out of the Belyi house after they have… used me for hours and all I wanted was to disappear. You were there for me when I felt like the cheapest, dirtiest, ugliest whore in Russia and you held me close when anyone else would have pushed me away. You are more than noble, you both are. You and Erasyl. Because you are one and the same. You are the man I love. The man I kept living for. The man I kept fighting for when I had lost everything. You are here now, closer than I had ever hoped. You didn't let them stop you. I want you to keep that in mind, okay? At the end of the day, you are here. Only you." He pushed a black strand of hair from Otabek's forehead, smiling as it fell back immediately. "You understand how important you are, don't you? And how much I adore you. Because you are here for me. You've always been. Just like Khaligaz said. Do you understand?"

Otabek nodded. It was right, everything Yuri had said made sense. It was so hard to accept that when he himself still felt insufficient. When there was so much he was just not good enough at. He had to improve, he and Erasyl. Because in the end maybe it really didn't matter who he was. If only Yuri loved him. He'd be able to protect him, no matter what. And if being there for him was what Yuri needed from him he'd be there at all costs.

"I love you, Otabek."

It made him look up to Yuri. His smile was tired but beautiful.

"I love you, too", he whispered and let Yuri pull him down onto the pillows again.

The fingers were back in his hair again, soft and loving, and Otabek fell asleep before he even noticed.