Otabek rarely remembered his nightmares in detail. More often than not he woke up in the middle of the night and could only tell from the cold sweat on his skin and the violent throbbing of his heart that he'd had a nightmare. Sometimes he woke up from his own screaming. And two or three times he had found himself sitting upright, back pressed into the corner of his dark room, his right hand clenched around the grip of his MP-443 without any memory of how it had gotten there. He rarely remembered his nightmares in detail, but when he did they were about Yuri.

When he woke up on this Saturday it wasn't from a nightmare. It wasn't from the sound of his phone either. It was from soft fingertips caressing his hair.

Opening his eyes slowly to get used to the sunlight he was greeted by golden lashes framing bright tourmaline eyes and a smile so soft and sweet he wasn't sure if it wasn't a dream, but a good one this time. Yuri looked at him with so much fondness that he felt his heartbeat accelerate nevertheless.

"Good morning", Yuri murmured, just like he had used to when they had fallen asleep together and then woken up next to each other, Yuri's slender body snuggled up against Otabek. It was like a past memory coming back to him, from so long ago, in Almaty, when they had both slept in Otabek's bed or even when they had fallen asleep on Yuri's hotel bed in Antalya. Just that Yuri had blushed after realizing how close he was and backed away. He didn't this time. He didn't even blush. He just leaned over and breathed the softest kiss on Otabek's lips. It made Otabek close his eyes in bliss.

Yuri broke the kiss and Otabek looked up to him again. The sun played with the light blonde hair. It must be early afternoon already. The thick strands fell around Yuri's relaxed face in soft waves, like rose tendrils that had left a light pink petal on Yuri's smiling lips. He was too beautiful to be real. Way too beautiful.

"Good morning", Otabek finally managed to answer and it made Yuri chuckle and kiss him again.

"I think I never woke up earlier than you", the boy whispered against his lips, then leaned back and supported his upper body on his elbow. The fingers of his right hand fidgeted with the collar of the shirt he had given Otabek last night, until he found the small bronze coin around his neck. "You must've been really tired. It gave me a little time to look at you though." He looked up to Otabek's face from the amulet but his fingers kept playing with the pendant. "I never had a chance to just appreciate what those past three years did to you. Has someone told you how gorgeous you are?"

Otabek felt the blush first in his ears then on his cheeks. The view made Yuri chuckle.

"I guess so, all you hear is how attractive that new 'Korean' guy is." He tilted his head and let the coin go to trace the scar on Otabek's jaw with dainty fingers. "They didn't lie", he whispered, his voice low and his lips shimmering. "After all I always thought you were attractive."

"You did?" Otabek's voice sounded breathy.

"Of course I did", Yuri answered, scrutinizing the motion of his fingers on Otabek's skin. "I fell in love with your frown first. You looked so fucking cool I couldn't believe I had never noticed you before."

"You called me 'asshole'", Otabek objected with a grin.

"I was intimidated, okay?", Yuri gave back with a laugh. "I warmed up to you pretty fast though, didn't I?" His smile became soft again. "The thing is that I used to think you were… hot, back then. And now look at you. I clearly had no idea…" Leaning in, he placed a peck on Otabek's jaw, right where the scar was. "You believe me, don't you?"

Otabek frowned. "It's hard to believe that when you look in the mirror and all you see is scar tissue."

Yuri frowned. "I see why you feel self-conscious about it. But really, Otabek, you shouldn't. Those scars don't ruin you. They adorn you. They show how your will to live was stronger than your injuries."

Otabek turned towards him, so that Yuri's hand fell from his face. He gave him a long, thorough look. The shimmer was still in Yuri's eyes, but it was different now. "And what if it wasn't", he asked, his voice low and bitter suddenly. "What if it wasn't my will to live that made me survive? What if it was the sacrifice of the one I wanted to protect and who gave himself up to make me survive? What if all those scars remind me of are how they were the reason you had to go through hell, Yuri?"

"Is that how you feel?"

A nod. "I know I could feel proud. I know I should be glad that I survived when I look at those scars. Mila said I should see them as a symbol for my survival, as an achievement. I wanted to believe her. But even if I survived, at what cost did I do so? Am I the one to take credit for that? Or should I feel ashamed because I survived, but only because I ruined your life by doing so? Should I not rather feel guilty?"

"Please, don't", Yuri hurried to whisper and then he was in Otabek's arms, toppling him back into the sheets, his forehead pressed against the scar running along his jaw bone. "Why do you hurt yourself so much, Otabek? Why can't you just accept that I did all that of my own free will? Because I wanted you to live, because I wanted you to come back to me one day and let me make you happy. You deserve it, Otabek, to be happy at last. You don't deserve all this pain you put yourself through." He took Otabek's hand, the left one, carefully not to touch the injury on the ring finger. "You did this to yourself, didn't you. Because you think you deserve to suffer. Like you could outweigh my pain if you just hurt yourself enough. But that's not going to work! It only causes more pain, more and more, until there's nothing else left. And it hurts me, too, to see yourself aching all the time. To hear yourself talk about how you are not good enough. Because I love you, but not matter how much I do it never seems to be enough to reach you through all the pain you take upon yourself." He pressed a kiss on Otabek's throat, hard and desperate. "And it's so fucking discouraging. It hurts me as well. Or do you think I don't see how you coil yourself up in that fucking depressing shithole you call your apartment, and how you wait for me in the car all the time, sitting in the car and God-knows with what kind of images going through your head. And how you show up with your finger a fucking mess, the very same finger you were ready to cut off without even hesitating, just to show Anatolij how much pain you can take in my behalf. Do you think it doesn't scare me when you talk of Erasyl like he is a different person, the strong one and you see yourself as nothing but the weaknesses that remain when he's abducted." A sigh made Yuri slow down. "I told you before, Otabek. It's too much. You can't take that much pain. You can't take that much vilification. You are so much more fragile than you want to admit. But you don't need to carry all this weight. You don't need to handle so much sorrow, if you don't inflict it to you yourself. You are strong. Not infinitely, but strong enough to be by my side. You are strong and you are beautiful. I'd do anything to make you finally accept that."

His arms wrapped around Otabek's chest and held him close and eventually he wrapped his own around the skinny, pale body next to him, too.

It was overwhelming how good Yuri thought of him. And he did believe that this was how Yuri felt. But it was hard for him to think that maybe the image he had of himself was so wrong.

It was true, he did hurt himself. Erasyl had brought it to his attention when he had gone back to Sergej's place for the second time. And he had known then already that it was true. But it was the kind of atonement he had to make. It was the only way he could think of to make himself feel like he was paying for what he had taken from Yuri, and not only Yuri, but from the world. He had been blessed with a life he didn't think he deserved. He had taken it and caused so much pain to everyone; his fans, his friends, his parents, Khaligazh and Belek, JJ and Yuuri, Victor, Mila and Georgi who had cried when he had seen him this winter. And it all was nothing compared to what Yuri had gone through, self-imposed or not. This fragile little boy who held him so close despite everything he had made him go through.

"It's hard", he murmured into the sweetness of Yuri's hair. "I can't think of anything else to make up for all the pain I caused you."

Yuri shot up onto his elbows, glaring at him with piercing eyes. "But I can think of something!", he gasped. "And you know what, it's only fair to make me decide how you can 'make up' for everything." His expression softened. "Love me, Otabek. Hold me. Kiss me. Make the pain go away by giving me what I never had. You owe me over three years of being in love with you. Make up for everything by three years worth of kissing me awake and holding my hand and kidnapping me on your bike. Give me your adorably tousled hair waking up next to me and sneaking out to be with you and keeping your eyes on me when I get out of the car. And sometimes… smile because I make you a little happy. Take care of me, and worry about me and just... love me. And yourself. That's how I'll forgive you. That's what I need from you. Can you do that for me?"

"I can try", he said, then lifted a hand to run his fingers through Yuri's hair.

"Can I kiss you?"

Instead of answering Otabek just pulled Yuri down. Their kiss was hungry, with too much tongue and too many emotions. But at the same time it was just enough. If that was what Yuri asked from him, he'd do it. Not only the kiss. But everything else, too.

A moment later Yuri sighed into the kiss, pressing his body closer to Otabek's. The heat he radiated was seeping into Otabek's skin, making his insides melt. He wanted more. And although there was no way Yuri could be any closer to him he grabbed his slender hips. His fingers slipped under the hem of the loose shirt, touching the silky skin. It felt so good, so incredibly good. And then Yuri was over him, his hair everywhere around him and his hand on his shoulders, fisting the shirt Otabek wore and the kiss got too intense for Otabek to think straight. One moment he was sliding his hands up Yuri's ribs, the next he found Yuri on top of him, grinding his hips against Otabek's hesitantly. That was when Otabek startled, his shoulders stiffening under Yuri's touch, his lips motionless against Yuri's sweet mouth and his hands stilling on the prominent ribs.

Inhaling slowly Yuri backed away a few millimeters, only enough to break the kiss, but Otabek could still feel his hot breath on his lips. "Too much?", he whispered and Otabek frowned.

"Sorry." He didn't want Yuri to stop. Not when the blush on his cheeks was so beautiful and his eyelids lowered in bliss. It was true - he owed him. But he wasn't ready for this kind of physical contact. He'd have to interrupt Yuri, disappoint Yuri until he had things sorted out with himself. He needed time to do so. He couldn't just make the discomfort go away so suddenly. And the feeling of guilt.

"Don't be", Yuri murmured and sat back on Otabek's tights. "I didn't want to rush anything. I've just… been wanting you for so long." He placed his hands on Otabek's that had fallen back onto the sheets. "We'll do this your way, okay? I want this to be nice for you. This… thing we have." He smiled and he was so pretty doing so Otabek's heart hurt from looking at him. "What… what is this thing we have anyway?" His eyes wandered over Otabek's chest, along his shoulders and the back up until looking him in the eye.

There wasn't a moment when Yuri had ever been this insecure. The way he held onto Otabek's hands so softly, biting his lips and giving him this shy look. It was obvious that he was not sure the answer would not hurt him. So Otabek made sure to give it a good thought.

What was it they had really? He had never thought about how to define this. It was hard coming up with an answer now. Especially because there were still so many things undefined between them. It wasn't like they could take their situation lightly. They were in danger, without cease, now and probably for the rest of their lives. They had lived the past years so differently, Otabek didn't know what Yuri expected from him. Hell, he didn't know what to expect from himself! With Yuri's sweet words and his own feelings, still so troubled about everything he did and was, it was so hard to make out something certain, something he could start to figure out with what they were to each other. What they could be. What they wanted to be. But weighing his feelings and Yuri's softness and everything that had happened, everything they had endured to come this far he found one thing that was definitive. It was love. His love. Yuri's love. And as the thought peeled itself from the mess that was their life, he couldn't help but smile.

"It's everything, Yuri", he said. The smile on his lips widened and there was one on Yuri's lips too. "This 'thing', it's love. Like it's always been. Just that we know now. It's everything you want it to be."

Yuri chuckled, entwining his fingers with Otabek's. The wound on his left ring finger hurt, but he didn't care, because all of a sudden Yuri looked so happy. He had never looked so happy.

"Does that mean…", he tilted his head and laughed lowly, "that you are my boyfriend now?"

Otabek nodded. Because that was the only thing he could think of this being. He twitched when Yuri screamed and fell onto him, wrapping his arms around his neck so tight Otabek couldn't breathe.

"Oh, finally, fucking finally!", he squealed. "Oh my fucking God, I can't believe I finally made it! Oh God!" He laughed into the nape of Otabek's neck and then peppered kisses all over his face. Then, suddenly, he sat back and grinned. "Was about time, asshole!"

е

They had a very, very late breakfast in Yuri's kitchen. It was after 2 pm already, but when Otabek asked about Yuri's plans for the day, the blonde just shrugged.

"Gotta head over to the 'shade, but that's not until tonight", he said, his mouth half full with one of the bread buns they had found in the freezer and warmed up in an oven Otabek would bet had never been used before. "Maybe you could show me where the car is. The one you bought, you know?"

"Right", Otabek agreed, sipping on the cup of tea. "I should show you as soon as possible." He pondered for a moment, before asking: "You are sure that Orlov will not notice that you are gone? Even when leaving through the back door, he could come up here and find you are gone."

"Nah, not very likely. He's usually not around on weekends." Twisting a strand of hair around his index finger Yuri leaned back in the chair. "Unless he's got some work to do and needs my assistance. He's quite the family person, actually. He spends most of the time in his office on weekdays, working overtime and stuff, but even then he rarely shows up up here. He leaves me my personal space and if there's something he needs my help with he usually has Miss Lysenkova call me and ask me to come downstairs. On the weekends he spends time with his family mostly."

The way Yuri so nonchalantly said that made Otabek a little uneasy. "But aren't you a part of his family?" Yuri gave him a strange look, but Otabek couldn't help but wonder. With everyone repeating that the bratva was basically a family like it was their mantra be had been certain that the vor in particular lived by this principle. And it all had looked a lot that way, Yuri being so intimate with Orlov's daughters and all. All this time Otabek had thought that Yuri had found some sort of family here. Had he been wrong all along?

"You know…", Yuri said slowly, "I'd like to think so." Leaning forward again he crossed his arms on the table and stared at the polished wood. "Maybe that's what I want to feel like. And it's easy to see this that way. Everyone's so close here. In the bratva. It's not some clan of evildoers like you see in the movies, not just an accumulation of drug dealers and murderers. The people here are… just people. Like, humans. With their own story and feelings and hopes and shit. And Anatolij and Svetlana Ivanova and the girls are no exception. They are perfect. And sometimes I feel like I'm an intruder. Because after all I'm just the slut Anatolij kind of has a thing for or something. No matter how much I belong to him. There's a gap and I don't want to make everyone uncomfortable by being brash." He looked up to Otabek. "You know what I mean?"

"Is it because of Miss Orlova?" The thought came naturally. If there was someone who could make Yuri feel uncomfortable it was probably her.

Surprisingly Yuri laughed lowly. "Not at all. What gave you the idea?"

Otabek sipped on his tea before answering. "At the ballet I didn't fail to notice that the two of you have… some similarities when it comes to outer appearance. I thought that maybe she would feel a certain… bitterness realizing that she had been replaced by someone so much more beautiful than her. And younger. And overall… a lot more…" He fell silent when he didn't find words to describe how he perceived Yuri.

The boy stared at him for a moment. "Was… was that a compliment?"

With a shrug Otabek looked into his half empty mug. Half full. His ears felt hot.

Yuri's chuckle was low and raspy. "Shit, you're cute. But don't worry, Svetlana Ivanova doesn't see me as a rival. Actually I'm still in awe over how she doesn't hate me. But apparently she thinks of me as more of a substitute for the things she can't provide for Anatolij. Like having gay sex with a pretty boy. I don't take anything from her. I just fill in the places where she can't satisfy him."

Otabek hummed. "So you share the position?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"But you still don't feel like you belong to the family?"

Yuri sighed, folding his hands and looking down on them like he could read the answer from his slender fingers. "Yes, somehow. I know it's probably stupid but… You know, I've never had much opportunity to experience what it's like to have a family. I just had Grampa all the time and even with him it was… I wasn't around enough. I was always so busy with what I thought was important. I missed so many things, because I was so occupied with shit that didn't matter in the end but that I thought was my life. So when Anatolij stays away to spend time with his family, his real family… I rather keep my distance. I don't want to steal him away from them. They deserve a loving husband and a father who's there. And who for once doesn't have to care about that whore he keeps around."

"Yuri." The whisper made the blonde boy look up to him again. "He doesn't think of you that way."

"How can you know?"

It wasn't too hard answering that question. "I can see it in the way he looks at you", Otabek said. "When he came to pick you up from the veterinarian I noticed for the first time. And then again, when he kissed you before Irina's performance, in the theatre's lobby. And when he told you to be careful when you informed him about yesterday's appointment." He put the mug down with the right hand, reached out over the table and placed his left on Yuri's fingers. "When he said that if I ever threatened you he'd make me pay, it wasn't like people do if they see a whore in distress. He said it like he's going to kill me without second thought. It was scary. And although it's hard for me to confess it, I realized that he is honest and that you mean so much to him."

Yuri huffed a thin laugh. "I wish that was true as much as I wish it wasn't."

"It is, Yuri", he reassured. "He will protect you like you are his family. He will kill everyone who hurts you. He got so angry when he heard about Sergej."

"I noticed", Yuri said with a nod. "And I also noticed that you were angry."

"Of course I was."

A smile showed on Yuri's lips. "Then does it mean you'd kill everyone who hurts me?"

"I wish I could."

"Otabek." The tone of Yuri's voice was urging. "Would you kill someone for me?"

Strange how Yuri hadn't noticed all along. Maybe it was because he still couldn't understand that he was really everything for Otabek now. That he would do anything if Yuri would just benefit from it if it didn't put him in danger. Of course he would kill for him. It could have felt creepy how calm he was about thinking that. About how natural it felt, how okay it was. He'd end a human's life. Much like his own life had almost been ended on his 20th birthday. And he wasn't scared of himself. Because on the other side of the table sat a being so pure it was worth anything. He'd kill for him. He'd burn down Moscow for him. He'd doom the world if it would keep Yuri safe even just for a second.

"Yes", he said. The happy smile on Yuri's face was all the reward he needed.