Open Minds and Kind Words Soothe the Pain

Setting: During Series: Occurs the Friday after season two episode Behind the Blue Line.

Companion Pieces: Team One Guardian Angles: 8 - Center Ice and Unacceptable Nap Locations: 11 - Bike Rack

Sam's Apartment – Friday – 5:00 pm

Sam sat in his black swivel chair. The last week had been hell. Sure he put his bag back into the locker after the team put everything back in. He had even given them a small smile and gone with them for drinks at the Goose.

But that was all deflection.

He was in a real quandary. Out of everyone the team had dealt with in hot calls, Darren was the one guy he should have been able to connect with. Boss said he did. But did he really?

If he had connected he should have seen the suicide intent. Hell he struggled so long with survivor's guilt, that's what Dawn called it, after each and every one of the soldiers that had died in front of him. His guilt was deeper than that though. He should have been able to do something, anything to save them.

Unicorn was the worst. He had put the two of them in that small hole. That was his call to hide in that small underground cellar. It got Unicorn killed. It was almost like he held Unicorn under the water and drowned him with his own hands. That was not how it happened, Unicorn was trapped and he was saved by the unit. But that is how it felt.

For weeks he felt he was the one that should have died. Not the rookie Unicorn. Why was he alive and Unicorn dead?

It was a question Sam asked so many times for so many. Sara, his little sister, was dead because the car hit her and not him. He was mere inches away. Why her and not him? He would gladly switch places.

Then there was Gary, Ripsaw, Buzz, Dutch and Yankee to name a few of the unit guys. One other name popped into his head, Shy, and Sam pushed it away. Shy haunted his dreams lately.

Sam focused on the others. Why did Gary die in that blast and not him? Why could he not save Ripsaw, Buzz and Dutch? Why was he not captured with them? It hurt to recall how they died. So he pushed it down.

Yankee, Christ so many bullets and he was not hit in a critical location. He lived but Yankee died. Why? Hell, he even survived a direct artillery strike. How the hell that happened no one had any clue. He should have been dead by all accounts.

Shy's name pushed back into his conscious thoughts. Shy's death was too painful to think about right now. Sam tried again to push it down and lock it away.

But it wouldn't stay locked away. He and Shy had survived the corn field. Just the two of them left and everyone else slaughtered and hacked to pieces. As horrible as that was, Shy's death was worse.

Sam covered his ears. He could still hear Shy's screams in his head. Forcefully, Sam pushed that memory way, way down. It was one memory he could not bear to remember. It hurt too much. So he pretended it did not exist. It never happened.

He made his mind move on. After JTF2 there were few deaths. But Sam could not save Aaron and Lou. He failed both of them. He was too slow to save Aaron. And if he had only searched that basement more thoroughly, he might have found something to tell them that the sick eco-terrorist had planted landmines. He failed Lou that day. If he had been better, then Lou would still be alive.

On some level, Sam knew none of their deaths were the result of his hands directly. But they were dead nonetheless because he could not save them. He failed so many times.

A mirthless laugh emitted from his throat as he recalled Darren asking if he had a place he went to when everything got too much and he wanted to die. Sam had such a place. He would never tell the team his place though.

Matt's grave.

If he was going to kill himself it would be near Matt. All week he had fought the urge to pull the pearl handled colt out of the gun safe that Ed got him.

Sam could not wrap his head around the fact that Darren wanted him to be the one to kill him. Darren said 'it has to be you'. Why him? Why?

He was so tired of killing. He wanted to save people, close up. He thought he had a real connection with Darren and that he helped Darren. But no! Darren wanted suicide by cop. Suicide by SAM!

Sam dropped his head into his hands. He was so fucking FINE right now.

He was not sleeping again. But he had hidden that well from the team. He had taken to leaving earlier for work and stopping at Timmy's. He had Tia give him two extra shots of expresso in his normal iced capp. He downed it before arriving at the barn and then had another iced capp after workout when the team did a Timmy's run. He got Jules or Spike to stop for coffee while they were patrolling. And if they were in a hot call when he felt himself getting tired he popped a few caffeine pills.

Sam lifted his head when his phone rang. He was dreading today. Ed and the Sarge had asked him several times if he would be coming to the meetup with cops and military guys.

He would not be able to get out of it. Ed had become almost insistent. It was couched in words that made it sound like it was his choice. But he knew Ed was watching him closely. So was Sarge.

It was Ed calling now. Sam growled in frustration but then answered the phone using a non-emotional tone "Hey Ed."

[Ed had just finished dressing and Greg would be here shortly. They were carpooling tonight to the meeting. Greg suggested that he drive and that Ed call Sam to see if he could finagle Sam riding with them. Sam had been non-committal about going. He always answered 'I'll see' or 'Maybe'.

He measured his tone and said "Samo, Greg is on his way to pick me up for the meeting. Wanted to know if you would like a ride. It is on our way and would be no problem to swing by."]

Sam caught himself from sighing. Here it was. He had to make a decision. Did he go or did he possibly incur the wrath of Ed by saying no. Neither option felt like a winning option to him.

He had always coped on his own. He processed his thoughts and then sealed them away in his safe place where he put all his hurt and failures. That place was damned full now. But he could stuff some more into it if he had too.

Sam looked up and then at his desk. His eyes landed on the picture of him diving into the lake to save Clark. He and Ed had come a long way in understanding each other since they recuperated together and they had those all team counselling sessions at Wanderlust Lodge.

His eyes then landed on the picture of him and Matt.

Matt whispered gently "Sam go. It will be good for you. It will show you that you are not alone. And by the way, you are never alone and the unit used to help you deal with things when they got this bad. Trust Ed. Trust Sarge. Say yes."

Sam blew out a breath and then answered Ed "I'll come but I don't need a ride. It's a cool autumn night and a bike ride sounds nice."

He said that for two reasons. One he could really use a bike ride to clear his head. And two, if he did not feel comfortable at the meeting he could just leave without having to call a taxi or explain to Ed or the Boss.

[Ed grinned, "Then we will see you there at six. They always have pizza and drinks. So all you need to do is show up. We will be there a little before six. You remember the location?"]

"Yeah, okay. See you then" Sam said and then hung up.

What did he just get himself into?

Sam stood up and shuffled to his room. He needed a shower and to dress. Going in just boxers would not be a good thing.

Ed's Home – Friday – 5:20 pm

Greg pulled up and got out of the car. He hoped that Ed had gotten ahold of Sam and that Sam agreed to go. He rang the door bell and Clark ushered him.

Closing the door Clark smiled and said "Dad will be down in a minute."

Greg grinned at Clark "How's things going Clark?"

Shrugging Clark said "Okay."

Ed bounded down the stairs "Sam's coming but he wanted to ride his bike. I told him we would be there a little before it started. So we need to get going now."

Then he turned to Clark and said "See ya kiddo. Have fun at the movies with the guys. Is mom still the one picking you all up?"

Clark nodded "Yeah, bye Dad."

Greg said "Nice seeing you Clark. Have fun."

Smiling Clark said as he closed the door "I intend too."

Then Clark headed into the kitchen to pop a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner. Mom should be home in about an hour then she would pick up all his friends and drop them at the movie theater. Tonight should be loads of fun. Then tomorrow his dad had said they would play basketball. Clark was looking forward to spending time with Dad too.

Support Group Meeting – Friday – 6:00 pm

Sam had enjoyed the ride to the support group meeting. It was a long ride and he was feeling the effects of days with little sleep. But the wind had been cool and rides always helped him center himself and clear his mind. He had locked his bike in the bike rack out front then hesitated to enter.

He was still unsure about coming. But he had told Ed he would and he never broke a commitment. Sam took a deep breath and entered. As he stood just inside the door he looked around scanning the area for exits. Some habits never really stopped.

Ed tapped Greg's shoulder and smiled "He's here."

Greg turned and saw Sam across the room as he said "You sound surprised Eddie. He said he would be here. Sam never breaks a commitment."

Just before moving toward Sam, Ed nodded "Yeah, but there's always a first time for everything. He's been really struggling this week. All that extra caffeine. He thinks he was hiding the fact he is not sleeping from us."

Greg chuckled lightly "Spike switched out his caffeine pills to sugar pills today without Sam knowing. Perhaps he will sleep better tonight."

"Perhaps" Ed said.

As he headed for Sam, Ed thought that Sam really needed this group. He hoped it would help him. All week he saw the dark circles under Sam's eyes. They were reminiscent of when Sam first joined the team.

The whole team saw. Each of them had tried to draw Sam out in one way or another all week. Something was eating at Sam but he was not sharing with any of them.

Ed could sense it had started with the Godwin Coliseum call. As terrible as that day had been, Ed felt that there was something more going on with Sam.

Having come to these meeting for years Ed recognized the signs of a guy struggling with something he did not want to acknowledge. A few of the guys here looked like hell the first time they came. Much like Sam was looking right now.

Ed took a deep breath and then said pleasantly, making sure to keep his voice low "Hey Samo. Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to a few of the guys while we grab some pizza and soda."

Sam nodded but remained silent. He went with Ed and was introduced to many of the guys. He did not feel out of place like he expected too. For some reason he felt safe and secure here. It was odd. That feeling never just happened. It took time to develop.

Matt smiled at all the guardian angels gathered. All had done their part to whisper to their charges and created an environment that Sam would find safe and secure. Matt was hoping tonight Sam would open up.

Sam needed to lance the infected wound. It had festered for far too many years. Sam needed to give voice to what happened with Shy. If Sam could, then that tear in his soul would begin to heal.

Matt whispered "Sammy you are safe here just like you were in the barracks with the unit. Open up. Release your pain. Begin the process of healing my brother."

Greg smiled as he watched Sam interact with some of the guys. He was profiling Sam unabashedly. Greg was very worried about Sam. That same haunted look Sam had when he had first joined SRU had taken over Sam this past week. Sam was certainly dealing with something that was hurting him deeply.

Sam needed this group. This group had open minds and kind words that could help if Sam allowed them too. Greg hoped tonight Sam would talk. No one would push him. But Greg hoped Sam would. If Sam did, then they could maybe soothe the pain Greg saw reflected in Sam's eyes all week.

It was hard to witness. Most would miss the pain. Sam's masks and deflection worked to keep most people from noticing.

But he, Ed, Jules, Spike and Wordy all noticed. They had known Sam long enough and watched as he dealt with many painful things in the past. They all recognized Sam was hurting. They all wanted to help.

Support Group Meeting – Friday – 7:00 pm

Sam chose a seat, well actually he was guided to a seat by Sarge, which was between Ed and Sarge in the circle. They had eaten and socialized for the first hour. It was not a huge group of guys; fifteen in all including him, Sarge and Ed.

The feeling of security only grew as he talked to the group of guys. Sam was surprised that they were not all old. There were a few retired guys and a few younger guys like him. The others were more Ed's and Sarge's age. Some had both police and military experience and some just police or military. A one of the guys had been in the Sudan and two in Kandahar. Others had been in the field in Iraq.

Each of them had made Sam feel like he was welcome here. Sam watched as a retired police Sergeant named Kelly called the meeting to order.

For Sam's benefit Kelly explained "We are just guys here that have dealt with or are dealing with things that we have experienced. We offer support without condemnation or pity. There is no pressure to talk. We want everyone to feel safe to share so the only thing we ask is that you maintain any confidences that are shared within this room. We are here to support each other and listen with open minds and offer advice based on our experiences if wanted."

Turning to Sam he said "Welcome Sam. As I said there is no pressure to say anything. Some of the guys that come have never shared a thing but they keep coming because it helps them understand that they are not alone in dealing with difficult and painful experiences. Knowing you are not alone and someone is willing to listen if you want to share is half the battle."

Sam nodded in acknowledgment of the welcome and that he understood.

The meeting started and Sam just listened as several of the guys shared problems they were struggling with. He carefully watched the faces. He was looking for any signs of pity. He was assessing the guys. Sam heard only kind words and support when the troubles were shared and advice was requested.

He watched as Corporal Carles Padilla, who served in the Sudan, broke down into tears. Carles was in the regular Army and his unit had been taken by a group of rebels.

A Special Forces unit had been sent in to rescue them. Carles was dealing with feelings of guilt and plagued by nightmares because one of the men in the Special Forces unit was hurt badly saving him. The guy might lose his leg, it was all mangled, and Carles could not get the images out of his head.

As Sam watched one man hold Carles as he cried out his pain, Sam thought about images and guilt. Images haunted him this week. Guilt was his constant companion too.

Ed glanced at Sam. He could not tell if Sam felt comfortable here or not. He could read nothing in Sam's expression. It was like Sam closed himself off. Silently he said 'please Sam open up'.

Greg stole a quick look at Sam and saw that he was intently watching everything. Absolutely everything. Greg knew that was one skill Sam relied on; his ability to watch everything. That skill had saved the team many times. Sam would see the smallest details sometimes that the others either did not see or did not see as a threat. Greg could tell Sam was measuring the men in this group.

It was a good feeling. It meant that Sam was assessing whether or not it was safe. If he found it safe then Sam just might open up. Greg hoped that Sam found it safe.

The group took a break after Carles breakdown. All of them needed a moment to regroup. Greg and Ed deliberately did not engage Sam in conversation at the break. They moved off to speak with others. Neither wanted Sam to feel they were hovering over him.

Sam rose from his seat and headed to the restroom. He needed to pop a few caffeine pills because all they had here was decaf coffee. Sam would rather drink bilge water than decaf. He was so tired and the caffeine pills he took earlier did not seem to work as well as they did all week. He was so very tired tonight.

Support Group Meeting – Restroom – Friday – 8:30 pm

In the restroom, Sam pulled out the pills and popped them in then cupped his hands under the running water and took a drink. He was startled when Carles spoke. He had thought he was alone in the room.

Carles saw the new guy Sam pop some pills as he exited the bathroom stall. That worried him. He said "Pills are not the answer. They only work so long. Then they screw up the rest of your life. I know. Had a few friends go down that path."

Sam turned and withdrew the pill container "Just caffeine pills. Had a long shift, a long week. Need to be alert riding my bike home later. Can't stand decaf."

Carles smiled with relief "Right there with you on decaf. Who in their right mind drinks decaf? It is vile tasting, not even tons of cream and sugar make it drinkable. I should talk to Kelly and make sure we have regular coffee next time. Not sure what happened tonight, we usually have regular coffee too."

Sam grinned slightly.

Carles then broached something he wanted to ask "So you were in JTF2, right?"

Leaning back on the sink counter Sam nodded. His hands gripped the edge tightly.

"That Special Forces guy, the one whose leg was mangled … I don't get something. He was their sniper. Why would he run down to save me? He was safely away from the shit going down. But when I was hit and went down and could no longer run he showed up. He covered me. Why?" Carles asked.

Sam sucked in a long breath and blew it out slowly "I can't say exactly why he did it. But the Special Forces motto is Deeds not Words. His unit was sent in to rescue yours. They would not have left without getting every one of you out. If the others in the unit were fully engaged elsewhere then the overwatcher would move in. I know. I did it many times."

Nodding Carles said "I wish I knew his name. I'd really like to thank him for saving my life that day. I think it would help me if I could just thank him."

Sam said "Perhaps if you give me the date of the mission and location I can find out."

"You could do that? I thought all mission details were like classified or something" Carles stated.

Sam released his death grip on the counter and shrugged "I have connections."

"Really?" Carles voice questioned.

"My dad is General of Special Forces. He might be willing to give me the man's name if I tell him why I need it. Could I share with him why?" Sam asked.

Carles nodded and the first real smile he had in months crossed his face "Yeah. That would be great if you can pass me his name. I'd like to know how he is too. If he lost his leg he might need someone to talk too. A friendly ear willing to listen."

Heading for the door Sam said "I'll see what I can do Carles."

"Thanks Sam. I'm glad you came tonight" Carles responded and patted Sam on the back as they exited the restroom.

Support Group Meeting – Friday – 9:30 pm

They had resumed their seats as the meeting regrouped. A couple of other guys shared and sought advice. When the last man to share finished Kelly looked at his watch and said "We have time if anyone else wants to share."

Matt whispered to Sam "Open up buddy. Please. You can do this. You need to do this."

Sam shifted in his seat and stole a quick glance at Ed and then Greg. Then he looked across at Carles. Carles had opened up and everyone had supported him.

As a result, Sam might be able to do something to help Carles too. His dad would surely pass him the name of the unit member or at least his status and pass a thank you note from Carles to the unit member if he could not name him.

Then Sam thought that he was many things but he was never a coward. Something was telling him to open up and that he would be safe here if he did. He did not need to fear looking weak here. Here they would understand.

Inhaling and holding it for a count of four Sam slowly exhaled then said "Nightmares. I've been having nightmares. I cannot sleep. Every time I fall asleep it is the same nightmare. I wake shaking and covered in sweat."

Ed reached out a hand and gently laid it on Sam's shoulder.

Sam turned to look at Ed. He did not see condemnation. He thought he saw pride. Sam turned to Sarge. He saw the soft caring eyes that also showed relief.

A half-chuckle came out as Sam said "You knew?"

Greg gave him a small smile and a slight nod.

Ed said "Kinda hard not to miss the dark circles under your eyes Samo. Do you want to tell us about your nightmare? It might help."

Sam recalled sharing his nightmare about drowning with Ed. He had helped then. A lot. The trust they developed when they recuperated together after Darby dock had been something Sam had relied on when they had to rescue Ben and Daphy months later. He had trusted Ed to keep him legal and from crossing the line that day. Not that he ever got a chance to say 'cats' based on how everything worked out that one hot summer day. But …

So Sam said in a soft undertone for only Ed's ears "Cats."

Ed grinned, "Yeah Sam cats. Let us help you. Talk to me again. I promise whatever it is you have to say you will see no pity."

Greg put his hand on Sam's other shoulder "Sam."

Sam turned to Greg.

Greg said "It's time to let it out. Is it related to Darren Kovacs?"

Sam dropped his head and his eyes closed as he softly said "No and yes. I get what Darren did. I don't like it but I get it. Darren was only the catalyst though. It unlocked memories I've been burying for a long time. Something that hurt too much to deal with, so I locked it away and ignored it. I pretended it never happened."

He opened his eyes and looked at Ed "But now it won't leave me alone. It haunts my dreams."

Ed quietly encouraged "What haunts you?"

Sam's voice cracked "Shy. His screams. His begging me to kill him."

Greg's eyes closed. Oh this was gonna be painful to hear. He just knew it.

Ed responded "I see. Darren wanting it to be you to kill him unleashed your memories of Shy. Was he a unit mate?"

"Yeah, something like that. Shy was Sarge of a unit I was temporarily assigned too. He was a good soldier. A good Sergeant and his men admired him. He took care of them. He took care of me. It was one unit Blaze never worried about me going with" Sam shared.

Carles asked "Who is Blaze?"

Looking across the circle at Carles, Sam answered "Blaze was my Sergeant for six years until I killed Matt and left JTF2 and joined SRU."

In a rare instance of openness and trust Sam shared with the group how he had killed Matt and the call with Darren and how it ended with Ed having to shoot Darren because he had lost perspective and put his team at risk because he could not see that Darren wanted suicide by cop.

Both Ed and Greg decided not to counter Sam's thoughts on the call. That was not what was bothering Sam right now. They both knew he needed to talk about Shy. Shy was the root of what was bothering Sam this week.

When Sam was done Ed quietly said "But that is not what is haunting you Sam. Tell me about Shy."

Sam looked at Ed.

Ed smiled and said "I'm starting to read you Samo. Deflection is not going to help you deal with this."

Greg added "If you give voice to it Sam, you will release the hold it has over you. Like lancing an infected wound and letting the pus drain out."

Sam had heard Matt say those words so many times to him. How did Greg know to say that?

Hasdiel looked to Matt and said "Thank you for the right words for Greg."

Matt nodded "They always worked on Sam. He should talk now."

Sam began to sniper breathe as he looked around the circle. No one was looking at him with pity; only openness and kindness. He registered that Ed was breathing in unison with him. It was almost like he was counting out the breaths for him like he did in the bank and in the hospital and several other times too.

He could do this. It was gonna hurt like hell but he could do this. He could let the memories of Shy's death see the light of day.

Sam started "My unit was down due to a few minor injuries. Shy's unit needed a long-range marksman, a sniper. His previous sniper had not reupped and a new one was not assigned yet. Shy's unit normally worked in the Sudan but we had loses in Kandahar so his unit was transferred there until replacement units could be brought up to speed."

"Shy asked for me personally to round out his team since my team was down. We were sent deep into insurgent territory, I cannot say where. But things went sideways and four of the unit were captured by insurgents. Three of the unit met quick, painless execution style deaths. They were forced to kneel and shot at point blank range in the back of the head. But Shy …"

"My spotter, Dragon, and I were still hidden in my sniper perch. We could see and hear everything. Dragon called it in and tried to get a rescue unit to us. We were so far in it would take over an hour for them to get to us."

Sam stopped as tears filled his eyes. He dropped his head and his voice broke "We watched, we heard. There was nothing we could do to rescue Shy. There were too many of them and we had orders to stay put. Dragon and I argued about whether to disregard the orders. I wanted to go in but Dragon was second in command of the unit and in charge."

Blowing out a breath Sam continued "Dragon was Shy's best friend after Yankee died. He said Shy would not want us to commit suicide by trying to rescue him. It would have been suicide too. There was no way we could kill all the insurgents."

Sam turned his head to Ed and wiped his eyes to clear them "I'm fast but not fast enough to take out forty insurgents before they would overrun our position."

Ed nodded "You do not have to justify to me Sam. The numbers were far against you. Dragon was right. If Shy took good care of his men as you say, then no, he would not want you to put yourself at risk to save him. Not with those odds Samo."

Sam sat up and looked around the room. He wasn't sure what he was looking for until he found it in their faces. Their faces held no recrimination that he didn't try to save Shy.

But his face screwed up in pain and tears dripped down a Shy's screams assaulted his ears and images flashed in his mind. Sam slammed his hands over his ears trying to quiet the screams. He rocked back and forth in the chair.

Ed and Greg shared a look. Neither of them wanted to startle Sam; that was always a bad idea. But they could see Sam was locked in a memory and needed their help to pull out of it.

Simultaneously both of them put their hands on Sam's back

Sam jerked back and upwards. His eyes scanned quickly and settled on Ed. Recognition flooded his mind. Ed, it was Ed. Slowly Sam turned to the other side and saw Greg.

Softly Greg asked "Sam what are you seeing and hearing? It looks very painful."

Sam pursed his lips together to keep from screaming along with Shy. That day he had bitten right through his lower lip to keep from screaming and giving away their position.

"Shy is screaming. They are torturing him. Cutting him deeply. They wanted information. Shy told them nothing. We survived the corn field but they were hacking Shy up little bits at a time just like the ones in the corn field had done" Sam's gravelly voice rasped out.

Ed sucked in a breath. He remembered the corn field. Sam told him about it when he demanded to know why Sam got angry at Spike for pushing him to go to a corn maze. He learned not to push certain things with Sam after hearing that. So did Spike.

Continuing to speak softly Greg asked "What are you doing?"

Sam sobbed out as tears ran down "Trying not to hear, not to see. Trying not to feel."

Carles rose from his seat and walked over. He knelt down in front of Sam and placed a hand on his knee "There is nothing you could have done to stop what was happening."

"You're wrong. I never miss. I never miss … never miss" Sam rasped out.

Ed knew they were missing something here. Then the recalled Sam's previous words 'begging me to kill him'. Quietly he asked "Why did Shy beg you to kill him?"

Images so horrible to witness flashed in Sam's head. He was too choked up to answer and he began to sweat and shake.

Ed reached out and drew Sam to him. He simply held him for a long moment as Sam shook and sobbed. Ed caught Greg's eye over Sam's head. They held a private conversation with only looks.

Greg's look said 'He needs to let it all out. You are doing good Ed.'

Ed's look said 'Sam is in so much pain. I'm worried about the pearl gripped colt'.

Greg shook his head no and his expression read 'No he is here. Sam wants help. He's here'. Then Greg reached out and put his hand on Sam's back offering comfort.

Sam cried as the images assaulted him again but with much less power. He was letting them out. As he let them out of the locked box he had kept them tightly locked and buried deeply in for so long they began to have less power over him.

But it still hurt. It hurt so badly.

Getting himself together a little bit Sam pulled out of Ed's arms.

Sam finally answered Ed in a voice racked with anguish "Shy screamed in pain as they hacked off his fingers one at a time, sliced off his ear and cut deeply into his chest, back and face. The rescue unit was about ten minutes out and we thought Shy would be saved if he could just hang on a bit longer. He would be maimed for life but he would survive."

Clenching his jaw as fresh agony crashed through him Sam could not stop the tears again. He swiped at them almost angrily. He shouted "Why? Why me? Why did he have to ask me?"

"Why you what?" Ed asked quietly seeing the rage brewing with the pain.

Sam pushed up to a standing position knocking the chair backwards he raged at Ed "Why did he beg me to kill him? Why not Dragon? Why me?"

Greg stood up and gently turned Sam to him. He could not answer Sam's question. But he needed to help Sam process this. So he asked "What made Shy beg you to kill him Sam? From what you say the torture when on for a while. What changed?"

Breathing fast and hard trying to control his rage. Rage that was truly directed at the insurgents and not Shy. Sam answered in a gritty tone "They poured gasoline on him. They lit a match …"

Shy's tortured screams begging, 'Blondie shoot me. For the love of God shoot me. Don't let me burn to death. Shoot me now Blondie. Please', ripped through Sam's mind and ears. They were followed by Shy's ungodly screams as he was set on fire and became a human torch. The images he saw in his scope as he sighted Shy and Shy looked directly at his position and fell to his knees assaulted him.

Sam dropped to the chair feeling emotionally spent. He covered his face with his hands as he said in a barely audible whisper as tears filled his red-rimmed eyes yet again "They set him on fire. Shy begged me for a mercy killing. The last thing he yelled to me was Blondie please, you never miss, it has to be you. I shot him. I killed him. Shy is dead because I never miss."

The room went absolutely still and quiet.

Greg swallowed a lump of emotions. Son of a bitch. Darren's five words 'it has to be you' triggered this memory. Something Sam had tried hard to forget.

Ed watched as Sam's shoulders shook as he cried quietly. Damn, something like that had to hurt so badly.

He said "Sam what you did … you helped him. You saved him from pain … you gave him a quick death instead of a long painful one. What he asked you to do was hard to do. But you did it. You helped Shy."

Carles sat on the floor. He could not imagine the emotional toll of pulling the trigger on a unit mate. What Shy asked of Sam was too much to ask of a man. The pain Sam was feeling must be enormous.

He didn't know if he could ever do what Sam did. Carles would like to think he could help a mate like that. But the burden of being the one to shoot him would be god awful. It took a strong man to bear the weight of something like that. Carles wasn't sure he was that strong.

Softly Greg said "Sam I think you answered your own question. Shy asked you because he trusted you to end it quickly for him. He could have asked Dragon but he knew you would not miss. You said Dragon was Shy's best friend. He could not ask his best friend to bear the weight of shooting him. You know what it is like to bear the weight of that. Would you want Dragon to feel what you feel? Would Dragon even been able to take the shot?"

Sam turned his head to look at Greg. His voice was raw pain "No I wouldn't want Dragon to feel what I feel about Matt. But Shy's death his on me. I killed him."

Ed said firmly "No you didn't Sam. The insurgents killed Shy. They tortured him and set him on fire. What you did was a mercy killing. Shy's death is not your fault. You helped Shy and you protected Dragon from a heavy burden."

The men in the room all added their voices seconding Ed's statements. None of them felt Shy's death was Sam's fault. They offered compassion for the pain that Shy's request had caused him. They had kind words of understanding.

Sam listened to all they had to say. As he listened he found that the ever-present pain began to lessen if only a little. Their open minds and kind words were helping him to begin to process the memory and it was soothing the pain he felt.

He had lanced the infected wound tonight. It had hurt very badly to cut deeply into it and feel the emotions he was trying not to feel. But the pus was running out now. It would take time Sam knew, but now this wound could start to heal.

Sam was glad he had come. He was glad that Ed asked him to come. He was glad Greg and Ed were here with him tonight. He trusted them.

Matt smiled and turned to Shy "He lanced the wound. He will heal now."

Shy nodded "I shouldn't have asked that of him. If I knew the pain it would bring Blondie I would have never asked."

Matt put his arm around Shy "Sam's soul is strong he can bear this weight. He is a chosen protector. He has family and friends that care a great deal for him. They will all help him as Ed and Greg helped him tonight."

A smile appeared on Shy's face "So you said Spike swapped his caffeine pills for sugar pills?"

Matt laughed "Yeah, Nanael whispered to him to do it. Sam was taking too many. He really needs to sleep tonight. I think he will sleep without nightmares tonight."

Kelly called the meeting to a close and every man came forward and hugged Sam. Using various words each encouraged Sam to come back and that he was always welcome. Several including Carles gave him their phone numbers and said to call if he ever felt overwhelmed or just needed someone to listen with open minds without judgment.

Only four were left in the room, Sam, Ed, Greg and Kelly after everyone else left.

As Ed and Kelly talked Greg asked "Sam would you like a ride home?"

Sam shook his head "No a bike ride in the cool breeze will be nice."

Greg did not push. He recalled how much bike rides helped him after he was assaulted by the redheaded stalker. So he just nodded and said "See you on Monday. Get some rest this weekend. If you need to talk you have my number."

Sam nodded and waved by to Ed not wanting to interrupt his conversation with Kelly.

Ed waved bye to Sam. Then he turned back to Kelly and said "Thanks for making sure there was only decaf tonight. But I don't think I could do another session without coffee."

Kelly grinned, "Same here. So you think Sam will sleep tonight?"

Greg joined the conversation "I hope so. I'll check in with him tomorrow."

Ed shook his head "Let me do that. I'll invite him to go shoot a round of golf and then we can play some basketball with Clark and his friends. That way, I'll be able to tell if he actually slept regardless of what he tells me."

"Sounds like a plan Ed" Greg said with a smile. He was glad that they had learned enough about Sam's deflection to find ways to flesh out the truth without confronting him directly on things.

Bike Rack Outside Support Group Meeting – Friday – 11:30 pm

Sam yawned. He was so very tired even though he was feeling better than he had felt since the Godwin Coliseum call. He unlocked his bike from the rack and reattached his lock to his bike.

It was nice that he had a place to belong and family that cared about him. Ed and Greg really helped him tonight.

Matt was right. There was still beauty in his life even with all the terrible things he had experienced. It was those fragments of life that Sam held onto dearly when he felt overwhelmed.

Sam could add tonight to that list. He sighed feeling a bit more at peace. He yawned again and wondered why the caffeine pills were not working like they should be.

Then Sam thought that tonight he might actually sleep straight through. He was so exhausted and sharing his memory of Shy had lessened its hold on him. Maybe he would not have nightmares tonight. He hoped he didn't.

It was a long ride home Sam thought as he straddled his bike. He yawned again. Then he crossed his arms on the handlebar of his bike and laid his head down. He needed just a moment to rest before he took off.

Sam thought briefly that he should have taken Greg up on his offer of a ride home.

.

AN: Oatmeal, raisin walnut cookies for those that figure out who saved Carles (hint you meet him in RoMCSB and in YHABL and he had the coolest princess that is no damsel in distress).

I know this one was a bit painful for a FOABL story but it was more than just Sam's memory of Shy. It was about how Ed and Greg were there for him when he needed them. And how they gave Sam a new outlet for talking if need be in the future. A place where Sam felt accepted and secure to share painful memories and get help.