It's almost 3 in the morning when he arrives at Leorio's hotel room. It's taken too much time to get here—he's got too much time to think during his walk—and now he's standing in front of the shabby wooden door, hesitating, resolve undermined by his same old doubts, the same old cowardice that'd made him ignore Leorio's phone calls for far too long.
But his reasons to hesitate aren't entirely invalid. When he'd started to put Leorio at bay he did it to protect him from his enemies—enemies that still are a very real threat, even more so now that the chain around Lulcifer's heart is gone. The thought that he might endanger Leorio because of their friendship is terrifying beyond words, but then again, he'd already accepted the offer to join the Zodiacs. Avoiding him will be almost impossible for the next few months and probably pointless too. Is all the hurt he's obviously putting Leorio through even worth it, now that they're planning a voyage with very low chances of return and survival?
He takes another step, hand outstretched, but still, he's wavering.
And then the door is pulled open from the inside. Just like that, his choice is taken away from him.
Leorio stands in the doorway, posture sagged, suit disheveled and shadows beneath his eyes, but apart from those signs of tiredness he looks fine.
"Kurapika," he asks, squinting down at him. "What are you doing here?"
"Why are you still up?" Kurapika retorts. The question comes out more brusque than intended due to his inner turmoil.
"I was studying—I thought I've felt your aura—Wait a sec, why do I have to justify myself when you're the one who's been looming in front of my door like a creep?" He's pointing an accusing finger at Kurapika but his reproachful posture deflates after a while. "Hey, are you alright?" Leorio asks, obviously worried now.
The lie is ready on Kurapika's tongue but he chokes it down—he doesn't want to lie anymore—but it's also not fair to dump his emotional mess on Leorio like that.
"Kurapika," Leorio presses again and suddenly it's too much, he can't hold it in anymore.
"I've called Gon."
"Huh?"
"I've called him to apologize for not visiting him when he was … you know."
"Well … you didn't know how bad of a state he was in." It's almost funny how Leorio's coming to his defence now when he was so eager to accuse him of bailing on Gon just a few days ago.
"Anyway, I've called to apologize. It's just, I never got the chance to apologize because suddenly he apologized to me! To me! Can you imagine?"
Leorio opens his mouth, eyes wide, but his words fail him.
"He apologized because he now 'understands how it feels when you want to kill someone so badly because they killed someone you loved' and because he 'had no right to ask me to never go after the Phantom Troupe again.'"
"Kurapika—"
"And then he told me what he did to beat that Chimera Ant and—Gods, I didn't know. It's my fault."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Can't you see?!" Kurapika hates the hysterical edge in his voice but he can't stop, Leorio has to understand. "I was the one who told him about restrictions! If I didn't he wouldn't have—and why did they allow them to fight against the ants in the first place?! They're kids, Leorio! And stop looking at me like that, I don't deserve—"
"Kurapika!" Leorio says again and he reaches out for him and takes his hand, the grip gentle yet strong, just as his voice, just as the look in his eyes. "Come in."