Doing Right Doesn't Mean We Get To Feel Right

SETTING: Sam and Jules married after Sadie is born.

Braddock Home – 1:20 a.m.

Sam's steps were sluggish as he trod up the stairs. Halfway up he stopped and drew in a ragged breath. He raked his fingers through his hair, leaned on the wall, and bowed his head. Another ragged breath in and he forced himself to lift his foot and take the remaining steps.

Reaching the top, he shuffled down the hall towards their room on autopilot. Something halted him before he arrived though all he wanted to do was fall into bed and escape into oblivion. His hand reached out for the knob, and he turned it before he could stop himself. The door swung open, and he stared inside.

His ragged breathing hitched as his eyes landed on the crib. A sob emitted before he could silence it. Once expelled, others followed. Sam's feet moved him into the room. Tears dripped freely as the welled liquid blurred his vision.

He reached the crib and gazed at the bunny sheets. Jules found sheets with yellow bunnies after he shared the story of Sara's favorite toy. His hand reached out … it shook as he brushed the empty bed. His heart ached, and grief overwhelmed him as he crumbled to the floor of Sadie's room. Sobs wracked his body.

Sam had no idea how long he cried but slowly became aware of a hand drawing light circles on his back. He inhaled deeply taking in the scent of jasmine mixed with baby powder. Sam gradually lifted his eyes meeting Jules' compassionate brown orbs.

They held each other's gaze as he communicated his pain silently. No words were needed, she understood him, shared his pain, stood solidly for him when he could no longer bear his burdens.

Jules moved her hand to Sam's face and caressed gently. "Ed called." Sam's floodgates opened again, and Jules shifted Sadie into Sam's arms and wrapped him in hers. She didn't offer platitudes that held no meaning. She only embraced him showing him she loved him with all her heart.

Cradling Sadie, her pure scent filling him, Sam slowly regained a minute amount of control. He peered down into the innocent brown eyes of his three-month-old daughter who stared at him with complete trust. He drew in another shaky breath. "I'm a monster, but she looks at me …"

"Shhhh. You are not." Jules' eyes welled with tears.

His pain-filled eyes shifted to Jules. "I am. I took the shot."

Thumbing away the tears still running down Sam's face, Jules found it difficult to speak past the lump in her throat. Sam's pain was her pain—their connection soul deep. "You did your job. You did the right thing. How many others would be dead tonight if you hadn't?"

Rocking with pain Sam bit his lower lip to keep from screaming.

"She had a bomb. She planned to detonate it. A suicide bomber. You had no choice." Jules stroked through Sam's hair.

His voice gravelly, he croaked out, "She was eight months pregnant. I killed an innocent baby."

Jules lifted his chin to meet his eyes. "No. The subject did that. She chose to strap on that bomb. No one forced her. Her choice. Your action saved your team and all five of her other children."

"They had to witness their mother die. I was twenty feet from her. Their screams. The way they looked at me. I'm a monster." Sam broke down again as sobs racked his body.

Sam saved so many tonight, but it would be the one he couldn't save who would haunt him for a long time. An innocent unborn child the victim of a deranged, suicidal mother who planned on killing as many people as she could when she died. Ed's call had given her the details, but nothing could adequately prepare her for the rip in Sam's soul. Doing right didn't mean they got to feel right.

Jules pulled him close. Her own tears spilled out. She would hold him and help him come to terms with what he had to do tonight. It wouldn't be easy or quick, and Sam may never fully release his pain and guilt, but she would always be here for him. Always!

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A/N: Not the usual fare in this series, but I think it still fits ... Jules is there for Sam in this darkest hour.

Working hard on SERENITY: A Path Home. Hope to have it published in early/mid-December. Currently, on chapter 55, the sixth novel will be about as long as PURGATORY which is 580 pages. Tons of new content. With as dark as Purgatory was, Serenity is light and will have a Christmas theme.